Trying to forgive myself and feel secure to adopt another...

[jjsunlucky]

At 7:00pm, the day before Thanksgiving my beloved Quaker, Marley, AKA Green chicken, passed away, while emergency vets relently worked to save his life. About 2 1/2 weeks prior, my lil guy popped off his cage, while I was on the floor painging a canvas. I heard him and turned to the left to pick him up...Well, in the process I slightly stepped on his leg, breaking it. I felt the pop. Horrified and in tears I immediately took him to my avian day hour vet. They wrapped his leg and calmed me and said he more than likely would be just fine, and he was for the first two days. However, on the third day his toe nail on the foot started to bleed. I got the bleeding stopped, but he continued to pick at it every time it stopped. I called the vet right away, but could not get ahold of anyone. So I then took him to an emergency vet and they re-wrapped his leg and said to keepan eye on him and hopefully it was due to the tightness of his bandage and Marley picking at it. Upon arriving home, it started again and he kept picking at it. The bleeding was getting harder and harder to stop. This time once I got it to stop. I held him, towled and just wouldnt allow him to even get to it. This continued for almost a week 1/2. I didn't even take any time to sleep and I mean that. I stayed up for 60hrs, the first round and had my son watch him the same way while I slept for a few hrs. I continued this way the whole time. I also had fed and watered my baby the entire time. Then we made another visit to another vet one weekend evening, because the first two vets wernt open, and they had to fit poor Marley with a collar, then two collars. Then on the evening before Thanksgiving it got severe again and we took him to the emergency center for surgery to amputate his leg at a last effort to try to stop the bleeding and save his life. However, during the hour prep for surgery, he lost his fight. He was just too weak to survive. I was and still am devistated about what I have caused to happed to my love. I lost a piece of my heart that day and not sure I can ever forgive myself. I'm even scared I will accidently harm another one of my birds. The way I felt when I felt his leg break, the weakness he fought so hard through, the way I felt when the doctor told me he didn't make it...and the worst of it, every time Marley would ever trip when playing, or even nip he would say what he said to me that day.... "I'm sorry, it's o.k." Yes, that is exactly what he said to me that day.
I can't stop thinking that if I had only turned the other direction, he would still be with me. I just wish I could get through a few minutes without replaying it all over and over again. I miss and cherish every single moment I had with my Marley.

 

[JerseyWendy]

JJ, I'm sitting here crying. I am so deeply sorry for your loss of your beloved Marley.

Please, please stop blaming yourself. Accidents can and will happen. This was not your fault - it was an ACCIDENT, and you did everything and anything in your power to make Marley well again, to help him overcome his fractured leg.

Marley would not want you to be so sad. He is not mad at you. He loved you, and I'm sure he wants you to have fond memories of him. Try and remember the times he made you smile and laugh. Remember snuggling him. Good memories will help you heal. It will be a slow process, but it will happen. But first you must forgive yourself, please.

Go ahead and find a birdy companion! He/she will help you mend your broken heart.

HUGS

 

[sonja]

I am also so so sorry for your loss. I completely understand your feelings of guilt, but I hope you can find a way to let your sorrow go and give your love to a new birdie who would love to have a home with you. Do it in honor of Marley.

 

[MonicaMc]

It's hard to say "it's ok, it was a freak accident" but the truth is, the guilt is there as well as the 'what if's'. A year from now, every time you think of Marley and what happened, that same guilt, dread and questions may pop up fresh as if it just happened. I know, because I still think of my little cherry head that I wish I could have given the world to, but couldn't... or at least, his wings (he couldn't fly) and good health (came to me with several health problems). December 22nd, I remembered that "today marks the day, 11 years ago that I took in that bedraggled, misunderstood bird", and in February, I'll remember that it was 2 years ago that I lost him. It took me a couple months before I could mention losing him, and I still tear up thinking about those early morning hours when he passed away and I wasn't there to hold him when he went.


I'm deeply sorry to hear how Marley lost his life. I hope you will be able to remember all the great times you spent with him, and the cute way in which he would say "I'm sorry, it's o.k." He was a special green chicken, so don't let your grief make you forget all the happy times you had with him! Forgive yourself, but do not forget him!


Do you have any feathers or anything left of Marley? Something of his that you could perhaps frame or make into some sort of ornament or jewelry? That way, you could always keep a little part of him close by!


*hugs* :60:

 

[cnyguy]

So sorry for your heartbreaking loss. Do try to focus on your good memories of Marley; in my own experience, they are a great comfort.

 

[ruffledfeathers]

This just made me cry for what you must be feeling. I am so sorry and I hope the peaceful, happy memories will have more lasting power than reliving the loss. I am always amazed at parrots' ability to love, to be loyal and really understand love. Your baby knew he was loved and i'm sure that made his life happy.

 

[jjsunlucky]

I'm sorry for not knowing how to copy quotes on here yet, I'm new. But as to having some of Marley's feathers, actually I had just started saving them for donation. So needless to say I will keep them and plan to hopefully have enough to make a small, framed, heart wall hanging (if it works).
Can I just say that I have tried to explain my grief to non-bird friends and I feel lost with them. In fact I get very upset when I get that,"it's just a bird" look. (it even hurts me to type it). So this is only about the second time I have told the whole story.
I am so glad to have found this Forum and though I don't really know anyone much yet, I'm thankful to have al of you for support in my loss. Again, Thank you so much!

 

[Birdlover11]

Stop being so mad at your self, accidents happen. In fact, I think marley would have been very proud of you on the lengths you went to help him. Marley passed away knowing he was well cared for, and he was under anesthesia so he probably didn't feel any pain. Please stop blaming yourself , Marley would be really sad. I think this forum is a great place too, people understand you and don't act as if you are crazy and wasting your money. My mom said that to me that I'm wasting my money when Pepsi and series birthday present package came, but they didn't go on it for a while. I think it was really sweet of you to make a feather frame. You will know when you are ready for another bird

 

[MonicaMc]

A heart frame of his feathers would be a lovely way to remember him! I've also seen photos of feathers that had the birds painted onto them, and it was gorgeous! Be creative in his remembrance!

 

[lene1949]

What a sad story... I'm so sorry to read this...

I lost my little Quaker close to two years ago... I still haven't been able to get another one, but I got other parrots after... Maybe I'll get a blue Quaker one day, who doesn't remind me so much of Shrek...

 

[BeakersBro]

This is very sad. Something similar to this is my worst fear. I think it is OK if you get another bird. This is a learning experience and I'm sure you will be so careful around your next bird that this could never happen again.

 

[antoinette]

So sorry for your loss, I am in tears.
Losing a bird is exactly the same as losing a child, non bird people will not understand it.
Please do not blame yourself, accidents happen. You did all you could to save, I am sure Marley knew that as well.

I have lost 2 AG, time heals, I have fond memories of them, never to be forgotten.
I lost Gigi in 2004, I thought about her day and night (she was 13 months old) died of a stroke.
I wanted to get another bird, but knew emotionally I was not ready.
I still think about Congo and Gigi, everyday day.

Three years later I became guardian to Mishka (AG).
He is now 5 years old, he is my life.

Consider getting another bird at a later stage, you first need time to mourn your loss.

Continue posting how you are feeling, your motions etc, we are all here for you.

Be strong

 

[wenz2712]

I am so sorry for your loss and I feel your pain, but please do not blame yourself.. this was an accident! You did everything in your power to save Marley and I am sure he knew this.

Maybe one day, you will feel ready to get another Bird.

 

[bkparrot]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I cant imagine what you are going through right now. Just know that everything happens for a reason but we just dont know it. Your friend is in a safe place now and watching over you. When you are ready, add another feathered friend to your life. You are never going to replace your lost bird but the new one can help as a new friend.

 

[happycat]

I nearly cried reading this. I am so extremely sorry. I can't even know how sad you must feel because the only animal loss I has was from old age. He seemed to love you so much and I hope you forgive yourself because it was only an accident and it wasnt your fault.
Sorry for your loss.

 

[goalerjones]

I had pet rats while I was in the military. The 2nd one I owned, Sylvester after Stallone, was a lover. He followed daddy absolutely everywhere. One evening I was reaching up high above the medicine cabinet on my tiptoes. He got under my feet and I crushed him when I came back down. I was horrified. He died moments later and it took a long time for me to forgive myself.

I own a Hahn's macaw now, many years later and I read a lot of threads and a few books and blogs for safety issues and tips. And I act upon them so as to avoid things like teflon, bad foods, burns, drownings, etc. but life isn't a person, cannot be reasoned with, and isn't concerned about your plans and therefore accidents happen.

Heal. Take time to remember all of the time you had together. Time will dull the edges of your pain. You may cry from time to time as I still do for my Conure who lost his life because I loved his flying more than getting his wings clipped. We learn from the mistakes but we also learn to love again, and we enjoy all life has to offer, not letting fear of "what if" rule our lives.

 

[MollyGreenCheeks]

First, you must stop blaming yourself. It was an accident and accidents happen! You would be fine to adopt another one. We just have to be attentive of our every move at all times when our birds are not locked up. I pray your heart heals soon!

I have to say that after reading your post I had to snuggle and kiss my babies while telling them how much I love them.

 

[crimson]

I am very sorry for your loss, such an unfortunate accident. I agree with the other members and stop beating your self up. It's not helping, and is only increasing your guilt.
It will take time for you to move on with what's happened
Your Quaker will never be forgotten, and only remembered with good thoughts.
if you ever do your photo and feather frame, please post it on here in memory of Marley, I think we all would love to see it, but only when you are ready.

 

[aliray]

I also read this with tears running down my face. I am so sorry for your loss. You don't ever get over it but you do learn to live without them.