Still heartbroken

Bmb7904

New member
Jul 5, 2014
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0
Hello fellow bird lovers. I am new to this site, just registered, because I finally am at the point to get this off my chest, so please bear with me. I just really need to put in writing how I feel. My name is Brett and, To put it bluntly, I killed my 3 and a half years old green cheek conure on Christmas night 2013. His name was Ricky and he was my best friend. It was obviously cold at this time of year in PA, and my furnace broke down. Knowing that my little buddy could be in danger I put him in his travel cage and went to my parent's house for the night to sleep. I only brought my very small travel cage so I took him out of it and let him have free roam of my old bedroom with the bedroom door closed, There was nothing in that room unsafe and I stayed with him in the room for the majority of time anyway. He perched on top of my dresser and eat and drank normally. Around 9pm, we watched Christmas vacation while he perched in my shoulder and preening my hair and we also shared some fruit. I went to bed at around 10 pm and he went up to the top of the dresser. I left the light on in my room so he wouldn't be scared. At around 5 am, I woke up and looked to my dresser to see how he was doing. He wasn't there and I started freaking out as I searched my room to find him. as the door was closed so he couldn't of gone anywhere. I finally looked under the pillow I was sleeping on and this is when the dagger went through my heart: he was under the pillow dead. The emotions I felt are hard to describe but it's along the lines of horrified and unbelievable sadness. I screamed and woke my parents up and my mom comforted my endless tears all morning. I buried him in my backyard which was hard because the ground was kind of frozen. So please do not sleep with your parrot or your parrot out of cage under ANY circumstances.

The heartbreak continues to this day, and I cannot seem to get over it. Multiple times a day I get that dagger through my heart feeling as so many thing remind me of him. There is no way I will be getting another bird anytime soon. The guilt and sadness I feel is unbearable and I have repealed in my previous drug addiction. I don't know what else to say and I don't know how to get over the fact that I killed my Ricky. I miss him very much and since he was my only parrot I ever had I don't know how to get over it.

Anyway, thanks for hearing me out through my rambling and please do not, under any circumstances, sleep with your bird.
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RavensGryf

Supporting Member
Jan 19, 2014
14,233
190
College Station, Texas
Parrots
Red Bellied Parrot /
Ruppell's Parrot /
Bronze Winged Pionus /
English Budgie
I am so sorry. It may take a lot of time to "get over" this feeling being so at the surface. Just know you're not the only one who has dealt with this sort of thing with a pet. Many people have.
About 15 years ago, my dad had a Jack Russell Terrier who he LOVED more than any other dog before or after him. He didn't see the dog one day when he was backing out with his vehicle, and ran over him. He suffered and lived in the vet hospital for about a week before dying. People never forget this sort of thing, but you WILL get to the point where you won't feel intense pain and guilt anymore. It will just take time, and that is normal. Sometimes it's therapy to write your story and tell others like you did. Take care. :)
 

Ducatimom

New member
Jun 10, 2014
416
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Colorado Springs, CO
Parrots
6 yr old Sun Conure (Ducati)
I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel. Thank you for the warning, but please don't beat yourself up over it like this. I understand that is way easier said than done, but there is no way you could've known that would happen. It was a horrible freak accident. They happen. It's a shame what happened to him but it was an accident. Again I know how much easier it is for me to say it than for you to feel it, but it's the best I have and I hope it helps.
 

Allee

Well-known member
Oct 27, 2013
16,852
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U2-Poppy(Poppy lives with her new mommy, Misty now) CAG-Jack, YNA, Bingo, Budgie-Piper, Cockatiel-Sweet Pea Quakers-Harry, Sammy, Wilson ***Zeke (quaker) Twinkle (budgie) forever in our hearts
I'm very sorry for your loss! It's hard to get past such a sad event. It should comfort you to remember the joy and the strong bond you shared with Ricky for three and a half years. Please try to forgive yourself, it's obvious it was a terrible accident, but just that, an accident. Take care of yourself and when you are ready, consider another feathered companion.
~Allee
 

Terry57

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Nov 6, 2013
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Spruce Grove, Alberta, Canada
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Hawkhead(Darwin),YCA(Dexter),VE (Ekko),OWA(Slater),BHP(Talli),DYH(Calypso),RLA(Kimera),Alex(Xander)CBC(Phoe),IRN (Kodee,Luna,Stevie),WCP (Pisces),CAG(Justice)GCC (Jax), GSC2(Charley)
I am so sorry for your loss of Ricky. It is obvious how very much you loved him, and would never have done anything to hurt him. Accidents happen and 20/20 hindsight is so hard to live with. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and please feel free to post more. we are all bird people here who love our babies and understand the pain you are feeling. My heart goes out to you.
 
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Bmb7904

New member
Jul 5, 2014
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Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all who replied. I was having a particularly bad day and posting and reading the replies have helped. I just hope to god he went quick and I really hope he knew how much he was loved by me. Being a 27 year old single guy and only bird lover I know, it's difficult for my friends and family to understand the depth of a relationship you can have with a feathered friend. I have read every parrot book and website I could and I tried my best to be a great parrot dad. Ricky truly was a one person bird. I fed him the best food available and bought him so many toys and even his happy hut which he adored. I still have his cage and the thought of another feathered friend has crossed my mind. But I feel like i don't "deserve" to have another bird after what I did. I hope these feelings will pass and if I do adopt another parrot it will be a rescue. I just still feel loyal to Ricky and I don't want to replace him and possibly forget about him. These feelings might seem strange and as sad as his death makes me, I never for a second regret getting him and our 3 and a half years together. Thanks again everyone.
 

Kiwibird

Well-known member
Jul 12, 2012
9,539
111
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1 BFA- Kiwi. Hatch circa 98', forever home with us Dec. 08'
I am so sorry for your loss of Ricky. You obviously cared deeply for him, and I am sure he KNEW he was cherished and loved every day. There is no time limit on grieving for a loss, and no rush to get another bird or pet of any kind. In time, you will start feeling better and while you will never forget Ricky, you will reach a point where you can provide another bird or animal a wonderful home. I think when you are ready, adoption is a wonderful route. Giving a bird in need a life they probably never experienced is a wonderful, fulfilling feeling.

I missed some early warning signs my beloved bearded dragon was ill, and by the time the symptoms were blatantly obvious, there was nothing to be done. She went in a terrible way, and I felt immense guilt. Guilt for not seeing the early signs and guilt for not having her euthanized right away rather than letting her suffer because I was too devastated to let her go peacefully. It was awful:( After some time had passed, I decided to adopt a parrot in desperate need of a loving home. It has been a beautiful thing to watch him blossom from total distrust of people into a wonderful, smart, spoiled bird who is a member of the family:) I still miss my Tiffany, but had she not passed, I never would have ended up with my beautiful Kiwi. While it doesn't always feel that way at the time, everything happens for a reason. Things will get better and in time, you will be able to give another animal a wonderful life in Ricky's memory.
 

Ducatimom

New member
Jun 10, 2014
416
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Colorado Springs, CO
Parrots
6 yr old Sun Conure (Ducati)
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all who replied. I was having a particularly bad day and posting and reading the replies have helped. I just hope to god he went quick and I really hope he knew how much he was loved by me. Being a 27 year old single guy and only bird lover I know, it's difficult for my friends and family to understand the depth of a relationship you can have with a feathered friend. I have read every parrot book and website I could and I tried my best to be a great parrot dad. Ricky truly was a one person bird. I fed him the best food available and bought him so many toys and even his happy hut which he adored. I still have his cage and the thought of another feathered friend has crossed my mind. But I feel like i don't "deserve" to have another bird after what I did. I hope these feelings will pass and if I do adopt another parrot it will be a rescue. I just still feel loyal to Ricky and I don't want to replace him and possibly forget about him. These feelings might seem strange and as sad as his death makes me, I never for a second regret getting him and our 3 and a half years together. Thanks again everyone.

These feelings will pass. You are not undeserving of another feathered friend. Most of the time it does help to write about it and feel the support of so many others and know that you're feelings are completely normal. The fact that after 3 and half years you still feel the way you do proves that you will not forget Ricky. You never truly forget those you love. I know a rescue parrot will find you. Just like our little Tuzzi found us after my husband swore he didn't want another dog. I love her more every day for changing his mind.
 

BoomBoom

Well-known member
May 2, 2012
1,722
58
Parrots
Boomer (Sun Conure 9 yrs), Pewpew (Budgie 5 yrs), Ulap (Budgie 2 yrs), Eight & Kiki (Beloved Budgies, RIP)
I'm sorry for your loss :( It was brave of you to come here and make that post.
 

ruffledfeathers

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Aug 23, 2012
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Gilbert Oliver, Blue Crown Conure; Georgie, Sun Conure (2/8/01-8/8/12) RIP little girl; Percy, budgie 1993-1999. RIP Pepito-spanish timbrado canary
I am so sorry. Your story brought a tear to my eye. Even with an accident, it's hard not to feel terrible guilt mixed with your grief. (my bird died an accidental death when I wasn't even home and I still cry with guilt sometimes.)


Birds form a special kind of bond with us, and 'bird people' definitely relate and feel deeply for their feathered friends.


Your bird was lucky to be loved so much.
 

Birdman666

Well-known member
Sep 18, 2013
9,904
258
San Antonio, TX
Parrots
Presently have six Greenwing Macaw (17 yo), Red Fronted Macaw (12 yo), Red Lored Amazon (17 y.o.), Lilac Crowned Amazon (about 43 y.o.) and a Congo African Grey (11 y.o.)
Panama Amazon (1 Y.O.)
It's time to let go, and give yourself a break...

Little birds get themselves into trouble all the time...

I had a conure that lived inside my shirt for 12 years. He was my baby. He was flighted and recalled. I used to take him outside and freefly him, thinking it would enhance his life. Then, one day, flying back to me too low across the parking lot of the complex where I live, he flew directly in front of a car.

Another conure when I was outside cleaning cages, got spooked when the kids next door playing ball in their yard threw a ball over the fence and it went whizzing by his head. Unfortunately, he flew into a tree where an owl was roosting. I did not get there in time to save him...

There was a basket case of a G2 that I fostered... he was a sweet little neurotic plucker. I tried to train him not to overpreen himself, and play with preening toys instead. Unfortunately, he obcessed to the point that he ingested so much preening material that "the cure" killed him... I thought I was doing good.

Bad things sometimes happen to good people, and good little birds. It happened. It was an accident. You never intended to do this. Let it go, and stop torturing yourself.
 

Sterling1113

New member
Feb 15, 2014
1,189
3
Dallas area, Texas
I just read your story, and really wanted to emphasize on the point that you are NOT alone in this. So many people here (some have already shared their stories) can empathize with you from their own personal experiences. Humans aren't perfect. I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, and even though it may be awful for a long time, in the end you've learned from it and grown from it. Just please try not to beat yourself up, you were obviously doing everything you could for him. I feel without a doubt that your bird knew that he was loved, and that your bond was special for the both of you.

It takes a special person to have a bond like that with a bird. To really know them and love them and treat them the way you did. You have such a great heart, and I'm so glad to read that when the time is right you may consider a rescue. In the meantime visit local rescues if you can, you never know when a bird will "choose" you. And instead of looking at it like you're 'forgetting' Ricky, you're taking everything that he taught you about loving a bird and opening your heart to another companion. You know in your heart you could never replace him, but you can definitely love another bird in respect for him. All when the time is right.

I hope to see you posting again soon. Keep your chin up, like everything else, this too shall pass. :)
 

BirdyMomma

New member
Aug 4, 2013
626
1
Long Beach, NY
Parrots
Lilac Crowned Amazon (Bacci- Forever on my shoulder, forever in my heart.)
Yellow Collared Macaw (Loki the Monkey Bird)
Military Macaw (Wingnut)
Citron Crested Cockatoo
(Knuckles)
Hello Brett. My name is Michele. I just read your story, and I felt like I needed to reach out to you. I had an Amazon, who I loved very very much. His name was Bacci, and he was my baby. Like you did with Ricki, I did everything I could, to make his life special. One day, in a poorly thought out attempt to spend more time with him, I unwittingly put him in a dangerous situation, which resulted in his death.
I want you to know, that I have felt all of the horrible feelings that you are feeling. I want you to know, that there are other people here who have felt them too, and that we care about you, and are here for you.
The sadness and regret and guilty feelings have not gone away for me either, and for me, I dont think they ever will. I didn't think I deserved another bird either, but when Bacci died, we already had Loki, so I had no choice. I already had her, and she was my responsibility, and I loved her, and needed to care for her. Brett, I never forgot Bacci. His name is tattooed on my shoulder. His grave is in our backyard. He is in my heart forever, but Brett, loving my other bird was the best therapy. It helped me function. It gave me a reason to go on, when I felt like I didn't deserve to anymore. It doesn't mean he meant any less to me..... And it took me a long time to accept that, but again, I had another baby who needed me... Nurturing Loki helped me heal, and it helped the people around me to stop worrying about me, and if I was going to be OK after what happened.
So Brett, when you are ready, please consider another parrot. It would be mutually beneficial to you and the bird. You would have someone to love and nurture, and a lucky little bird would have a wonderful home, with someone who really does deserve to be a bird parent.
 

pycthedragon

New member
Jun 13, 2014
136
1
michigan
Parrots
Cream, Cookie and Baby, peach faced lovebirds
I've heard about things like that before. People go to sleep with their bird and they pass away. It's so sad. I always put my bird to bed in his cage because I'm terrified of him dying when I'm asleep. I'm so sorry for your loss, I absolutely adore conures and their wonderful personality.
 

hkschumaker

New member
Aug 26, 2014
3
0
I am so sorry for your loss. It isn't easy and it does take time. I agree with getting another feathered friend but in the meantime, have you thought about other ways to remember? There are different types of pet keepsakes that I personally have given to close friends and sometimes just the comfort of having a part of them with you helps tremendously. I've used a couple of different companies for pet memorials and have had good luck with all of them. And when the time is right you go forward with another friend. Sending hugs!
 

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