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Old 10-30-2014, 10:49 PM
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Unhappy Need advice, keep crying

Tiki died last Monday. It's been a week and a half so yes it is still recent. I was suffering depression while he was sick. He died IN MY HANDS. Breathing so heavy I had to help him go a little faster so it would be quicker and not drawn out. Watching the life leave his eyes was the worst most traumatizing thing I've ever experienced. I can't stop picturing it. I cry at random in public out of nowhere it just happens. I felt depression, then guilt. Guilt that I shouldn't have helped him go quicker because it makes me look like a killer I don't know. (I didn't do anything vulgar, I just kept him warm in the blanket against my chest while stroking his head and just covered him a bit more so the lack of oxygen he was ALREADY SUFFERING FROM would just go quicker. I made him comfortable and it was quicker than it would have been. Not instant of course, because that would involve something brutal. I don't condone any animal cruelty. I'm glad it was with me rather than getting euthanized but I feel guilt like maybe I'm the reason he died (even though that morning he was visibly different and about to die, so by that night he was on his way out.) my friends and family said I did what I needed to do and what I thought was right and best for him. But I feel guilt like maybe I could have done something more. He was on medicine from the vet visit not even a week before. I feel like I should have done more but I spent nearly a grand on him with no answers every time. The Kakariki breeder I met actually bred Tiki and he said it was probably slow internal bleeding from an injury which would explain his weird drooping of one side at one point... But yea, depression, guilt, and now this terrible rage and anger at I don't know what. I'm hysterically crying right now angry and hurting. I can't believe this is actually real. I don't want it to be real I want him back and I hate that I tried hard to save his life over months and months and all my paychecks straight to the vet. I am distraught. I have never felt this way before about any pet. I don't know what to do but it is interfering with my daily life. I can't focus and I spontaneously cry or get enraged now. I am so pent up. When will I ever accept his death. I feel like he led me to his family so that I now have his sister, but it's not the same. She's not him. She has his blood and it was a miracle I found out that the breeder I met actually owned Tiki from day 1 before the exotic bird store got him. But it's not the same and I can't take it anymore I feel like I am losing my mind. I'm sorry for this long rant I just need to get this off my chest because no one understands. Why is this happening and when does it end? Why all these weird combination of feelings?please I am in desperate need of advice. I obsess over old videos and photos of us and I dwell on his death. I feel unbearably destroyed and hurt I feel stuck and don't know what to do.
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Tiki & Cleo, may you both rest in peace together now at the rainbow bridge.

Last edited by RainbowRose; 10-30-2014 at 10:54 PM.
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Old 10-30-2014, 11:24 PM
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Re: Need advice, keep crying

I'm so sorry *hugs!* PLEASE stop second guessing yoruself and thinking you should have done things differently. You did everything you could, and with love. At that point it was already inevitable.

The sorrow is bad enough, don't beat yourself up on top of it please. This will take a while to go through, and it's tough. But you will get through it and have some happy memories I promise.

Before I had Raven my Bronze Winged Pi (about 8 years before) I had a female BW Pi named Adrion. After she passed (euthanized) it took me a very long time to get past it. I'd burst out crying uncontrollably and unexpectedly no matter where I was. The tears would just come when it came into my mind. This happened for maybe a year after? But would we rather risk putting ourselves through this type of intense heartache and pain, than stop having pets altogether? Of course!! I hope there is a little comfort knowing that others know what you're going through. Take care...

Last edited by RavensGryf; 10-31-2014 at 12:49 AM.
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Old 10-31-2014, 12:43 AM
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Re: Need advice, keep crying

I'm sorry you are experiencing an uncomfortably deep period of grieving, but know that it is a reflection of the intense bond and love you shared with Tiki. Revisiting the memories of the past few weeks leaves you with a feeling of helplessness and despair as you relive the details, but please understand you did the very best possible, far more than most would do.

It is important to share your feelings with friends, family, and with folks here who have walked this path. May I suggest you start a simple journal, placing your thoughts on paper and keeping them in an envelope with one of your many pics of Tiki? Visualize that as a place of safekeeping for this difficult period. As the next few days turn into weeks, shift more time to bonding with your new birds; they will never replace Tiki but I am confident they will help brighten your mood and lead you through the grief process. I did this for one of my hardest losses, and have read the pages perhaps twice over the last 14 years, but it remains a source of comfort.

Last edited by Scott; 10-31-2014 at 12:51 AM.
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Old 10-31-2014, 08:11 AM
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Re: Need advice, keep crying

Your a good mother to you babies. It should hurt to lose one. You have to remember that you were the best thing to happen to Tiki. Nobody would have done better. But only time will help deal with this. It's very tough losing someone you love. I believe that evertime you think of Tiki it's his way of telling you that he is fine and still woth you. You found his sibling for a reason.
Godspeed.
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Old 10-31-2014, 08:40 AM
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Re: Need advice, keep crying

Don't beat yourself up and the past is the past you can't change it. I say that because that helped me when I had to make the decision to euthanize my schnauzer. I spent several thousand on her and the vet could not identify what the root of the issue was. I stayed with her when it happened, I yelled at the vet because she was in pain when it happened and I lost it. I'm even tearing up now. At the time, two days after I had to take a flight for work and was not doing well, I cried in the airport, on the plane the entire time telling myself to straighten up because I didn't want to be flagged for being too emotional. It took several weeks for me to stop crying. Grieving is normal and that's what you are going through. The time it takes to work through the grief is different for everyone. Focus on the good times and focus on the present. Keep yourself busy to help you get through and hugs.
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Old 10-31-2014, 09:12 AM
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Re: Need advice, keep crying

Quote: Originally Posted by RavensGryf View Post
I'm so sorry *hugs!* PLEASE stop second guessing yoruself and thinking you should have done things differently. You did everything you could, and with love. At that point it was already inevitable.

The sorrow is bad enough, don't beat yourself up on top of it please. This will take a while to go through, and it's tough. But you will get through it and have some happy memories I promise.

Before I had Raven my Bronze Winged Pi (about 8 years before) I had a female BW Pi named Adrion. After she passed (euthanized) it took me a very long time to get past it. I'd burst out crying uncontrollably and unexpectedly no matter where I was. The tears would just come when it came into my mind. This happened for maybe a year after? But would we rather risk putting ourselves through this type of intense heartache and pain, than stop having pets altogether? Of course!! I hope there is a little comfort knowing that others know what you're going through. Take care...
I had Tiki less than a year myself so it's amazing how in such a short time an intense bond can form. I feel like a piece of me died inside as well. I hope I can get a handle on things soon because I burst into tears on the train to NYC, I burst into tears last night in grad school (had to leave class), it just happens out of nowhere.


Reading all of these made me feel better because it makes me feel not alone and I feel lonely without him so it helps. I've never experienced this before so I need someone I can relate to to feel better :/ thank you all, again I'm sorry for the long rant I just feel like I'm running around an emotional circle looking for an end
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Tiki & Cleo, may you both rest in peace together now at the rainbow bridge.
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  #7 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2014, 12:43 PM
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Re: Need advice, keep crying

Quote: Originally Posted by RainbowRose View Post
I had Tiki less than a year myself so it's amazing how in such a short time an intense bond can form. I feel like a piece of me died inside as well. I hope I can get a handle on things soon because I burst into tears on the train to NYC, I burst into tears last night in grad school (had to leave class), it just happens out of nowhere.


Reading all of these made me feel better because it makes me feel not alone and I feel lonely without him so it helps. I've never experienced this before so I need someone I can relate to to feel better :/ thank you all, again I'm sorry for the long rant I just feel like I'm running around an emotional circle looking for an end
We've all been through similar events with a devastating halo of sorrow and dread. No need to apologize for expressing your feelings amongst friends; the alternative of keeping your emotions bottled-up in a vacuum is unhealthy. Grief is a process without schedule nor finite ending, but there is an accommodation that will leave you emotionally balanced.
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Old 10-31-2014, 03:07 PM
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Re: Need advice, keep crying

We've all been there - consider us your support system.

As for sharing your grief, remember - a problem shared, is a problem halved. We all need to share to help us cope until the time is right to welcome another little one, that also desperately needs our love, into our lives.

Rest in peace, little Tiki. You were loved beyond measure.
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Old 10-31-2014, 10:23 PM
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Re: Need advice, keep crying

See and I got two new birds but they are terrified of me. I can't even get anything sticks pencils perches let alone my hand for them to step up. I kept my hand in the cage for an HOUR today with seed. One bite. They are the opposite of Tiki and it's frustrating
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Tiki & Cleo, may you both rest in peace together now at the rainbow bridge.
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Old 11-01-2014, 03:36 PM
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Re: Need advice, keep crying

I read this last night but wanted some time to phrase my answer.

I am a hospice nurse. And as such I see grief all the time. There are different kinds.

There's the kind that wants to see their loved one not suffer any longer.
There's the kind that wants your own suffering to end.
The kind that wants to spare children the pain of seeing something they aren't equipped to handle.

But distancing oneself from the outcome, the actual ending of a life, is critical.

While nothing can be undone or rewound, I will take this opportunity to caution everyone against direct intervention. Please use a professional if your pet is suffering, to end thier lives.

There is a tremendous bond that develops between companion pet and owner. I don't look at Hahnzel as an ornament for my home, but rather a member of our family.

Guilt, remorse, pain and haunting memories will happen anyway, but how much more when it comes by our own hands? I won't even do Hahnzels beak, nail and feather trims. I want to be the good guy. And, as for myself, I wouldn't want my hands to be the ones who made that decision.
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