Cockatiel chose to bond with my roommate instead of me

Hello! So this is a long story. It might be more of a roommate problem, but I am not sure who to ask anymore.
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So I got my tiel when she was about 4 months old from the pets store. She was hand raised and everything (so she's about 8 months now). My girlfriend originally got her for my birthday present since my roommate and I had wanted a pet in the apartment anyways. I just want to clarify in all intents the bird was supposed to be mine, but I wanted to be nice and share her with my roommate.

It started about two weeks after I brought the bird home. My girlfriend and I noticed how my roommate was being really close to my bird, and I know I should have stopped it then but didn't because I wanted to be nice.

My roommate and my bird (Missy) were very becoming comfortable with each other, to the point that they have bonded. Whenever my roommate is home, Missy refuses to acknowledge me and attacks me even if I get close. Missy loves my roommate, loves my girlfriend, and loves every one else who comes in this apartment: except me. She hates me so much and it breaks my heart a lot.

I still take care of her. I do all the cleaning, the refreshing the food, EVERYTHING. But she still hates me.

I am a college student so I am gone during my classes for the most part, and my schedule is really intensive as an engineer, and my roommate is home a lot more. He got pissed at me for being 'negligent' and would text me about how I can't take care of the bird and am not giving the bird enough emotional attention, even tho the first thing I would do when I got home for my bird is open the cage so she can come out.

It got to a point where my roommate asked if he could buy the bird off me. He claimed that the bird had bonded with him, and it would be detrimental to Missy's health if he and Missy were separated. I told him let's worry that if he wanted to buy the bird he would have to take care of Missy.

***Let me clarify it really broke my heart, and still will if I have to see Missy go, but I am worried he is right about the mental health thing****

I let this trial run go on for a month, and my roommate had NEVER, not even ONCE cleaned Missy's cage, but he kept sending me articles with research he did on things I happened to be doing wrong for the birds mental health (aka articles about stuff like bonding), but he never once took care of her physical needs. But I couldn't stand that Missy's cage is so dirty.

But now him and the bird are too attached and I am not sure what to do.

He lets Missy do whatever she wants. He doesn't even cage her at night! He says it's bad for birds to stay in a cage, He doesn't let me take Missy to get her wings clipped, He lets Missy bite on everything and eat anything she wants, and he even lets Missy come into the bathroom/shower with him. She is kinda being a little **** and is screaming a lot because my roommate always listens to her when she screams even tho I told him to stop.
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I am not sure what to do at this point. Is my roommate right? Even though he doesn't take care of the bird, would Missy be better off with him?

I honestly didn't want my bird to hate me, and the pet store lady said it is too late for me to bond with Missy now because cockatiel's are one person birds...

I just don't understand why he chose my roommate and not me other than the fact that I just have a slightly longer work day. I tried and still try to put in effort to bond but Missy hates me. I also don't let Missy do whatever, so that might be another reason I am not sure.

I really wanted a pet bird, and I think I am being reasonable with how I care for Missy (not letting her bite my keyboard, stopping her from eating things she shouldn't, putting her in the cage at night, ect)
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I am asking:

1) Is there any way for me to salvage a relationship with Missy if I am the only person she hates?

2) Would it really affect her mental health that much if I separate Missy & my roommate when our lease ends in May?

3) And should I just give my roommate Missy because there is really no other option?

You can salvage a relationship with her. Give her a treat or toy that nobody else is giving her. Make some time for just you and her. It sounds like the roommate spoiled Missy,and that is not good for her either. I disagree with him about not caging her. We all need our space, and she can get hurt if she is out with nobody to supervise her. Have you asked this guy if he is going to clean her cage, take her to the vet, give her clean water and food everyday? It sounds like he just wants the 'loving and fun' part of owning a bird.

eagle18 said:

You can salvage a relationship with her. Give her a treat or toy that nobody else is giving her. Make some time for just you and her. It sounds like the roommate spoiled Missy,and that is not good for her either. I disagree with him about not caging her. We all need our space, and she can get hurt if she is out with nobody to supervise her. Have you asked this guy if he is going to clean her cage, take her to the vet, give her clean water and food everyday? It sounds like he just wants the 'loving and fun' part of owning a bird.

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Hello! Thank you for replying so fast. He did change out food and water but I noticed that freshwater was only given every couple days instead of every day At that point I had to restart maintenance for Missy. How long would it take for me and Missy to form a bond? If my roommate and her already have such a strong bond?

Sounds to me Missy is the one suffering here. I'm not saying this to be mean or sarcastic..but...why not give the bird to someone who lives alone or to a couple who won't feel neglected and won't fight over such petty s*** and then you two can get maybe FISH that can't/won't choose between two people...not being a hater here...just sayin'....








Jim

You can't force a bird to bond to you in the way you prefer. If you feel you are able to accept that and capable and willing to take care of your bird that's what you should do. If not, it's your decision if your roommate is suitable to adopt her. Based on what you're saying, no. Birds are caged and given some rules for their own safety. Birds get fresh food and water everyday, sometimes multiple times a day when they poop in the dishes. Birds also get veggies and a bit of fruit every day as well as our best effort to enrich them mentally and emotionally.

PS There's nothing wrong with showering a bird as long as the water isn't too hot

You can bound with her by talking softly and not making any sudden moves. Then after a few days start giving her a special treat and then see if she will take it out of your hand. Chances are she just doesn't trust you yet but you can gain her trust.

AmyMyBlueFront said:

Sounds to me Missy is the one suffering here. I'm not saying this to be mean or sarcastic..but...why not give the bird to someone who lives alone or to a couple who won't feel neglected and won't fight over such petty s*** and then you two can get maybe FISH that can't/won't choose between two people...not being a hater here...just sayin'....








Jim

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You didn't have to say it in such a mean way. And we aren't fighting over the bird. I am more than capable of taking care of a bird, my family had a few parakeets in the past. I am just upset my bird did not chose me back and don't know what to do.

Mindy said:

You can't force a bird to bond to you in the way you prefer. If you feel you are able to accept that and capable and willing to take care of your bird that's what you should do. If not, it's your decision if your roommate is suitable to adopt her. Based on what you're saying, no. Birds are caged and given some rules for their own safety. Birds get fresh food and water everyday, sometimes multiple times a day when they poop in the dishes. Birds also get veggies and a bit of fruit every day as well as our best effort to enrich them mentally and emotionally.

PS There's nothing wrong with showering a bird as long as the water isn't too hot

Click to expand...

That is a big problem for me. I get very emotionally attached to all my previous pets, and I am really attached to Missy right now. But since she didn't chose me, I don't know what is better for the bird. To stay with me with no bond or to stay with my roommate who does not know how to take care of the bird.

Also I am really concern because he takes Missy into the shower when he goes to shower, and I am concerned since Missy eats and drinks everything because my roommate allows it, she might end up eating the soap or shampoo.

get another cockatiel perhaps. maybe they can be buds. get your own cage and stuff probably though.

call me mean or whatever but right now is not good for a bird. You clearly don't have the time for her emotional needs which are as important as the physical stuff and your room mate sounds too lazy to do the basics (fyi cage open at night is a recipe for dead bird, (crushed whilst sleeping))

Instead of thinking about yourself right now you need to think about Missy. Is it fair she has to be at the center of an argument? That right now her options are to deal with someone her can't fulfill her needs as a flock mate or someone who won't even change her water daily. Call me a bad guy but it's not fair on her. Unless you can suddenly change your schedule, remove the tension of the arguing between you and the room mate and open yourself up to allow her to bond then it's not a good environment for a pet bird and it's not doing you any favors

Hello and welcome to the forum!
I feel your pain, we have a large flock, and all but 4 prefer my husband.
I see how busy you are, how much time do you have to spend with Missy? Even with less time with her than your roommate spends with her, you can still forge a bond. I am home all day with the birds, and my husband is only home in the evenings, but they still prefer him. Our OWA actually hated me for the longest time, and while he is still bonded to my husband he will now dance with me and talk to me. Sometimes it just takes time and a lot of patience.
As far as separating Missy from your roommate at the end of the lease, she will adjust. Spend as much time with her as possible now, and having a treat that she loves that she only gets from you as suggested by eagle is a wonderful idea. If your roommate won't provide her with the necessities such as a clean cage and water, she is better off with you.
Good luck in whatever you decide!

Welcome to the forums, thanks for approaching with this sensitive issue.

It is not at all uncommon for birds to initially develop "favorites." Cockatiels are not, however, strictly one-person birds. There are many techniques to build trust and bond: http://www.parrotforums.com/general-parrot-information/49144-tips-bonding-building-trust.html

Your roommate seems to desire the Peter Pan approach; enjoyment without the responsibility. It is entirely possible he will tire of Missy and move on. Meanwhile, he is allowing Missy to engage in potentially dangerous behaviors. IMO, time to reassert your "parental" responsibilities!

Given your choices, I'd endeavor to bond more closely with Missy. A departing roommate would not likely crush Missy, but may spur a closer relationship with you and your girlfriend. My vote is to avoid choice #3 as Missy's long term interest is not IMO best served.

It is not unusual for a Parrot or even a child to develop a fondness for the individual that provides all the goodies! It becomes even more likely when the one wanting the relationship is not providing the needed time to develop and maintain a relationship.

Although, it has been some time since I had seen the evoking of the: "Your roommate seems to desire the Peter Pan approach; enjoyment without the responsibility." by my fellow Super Moderator. It clearly fits based on the what has been presented.

It is fair for you to set boundaries for your room mate and expect him to follow them. It is also fair for you to step-up you're one-on-one time.

That said, I believe that it is very important for you to read with more depth your Posts - as to why someone would be seen as mean or hard hearted. Parrot Forum's membership is filled with owners that deeply love their Parrots and their bond is deeply emotional. This evokes deep concern for the Love and Care of all Companion Parrots. A life well understood, requires seeing a discussion from several points of view.

Engineering is a demanding course of study. Add to the mix, wanted time with your girlfriend, and your available time with your Cockatiel becomes ever shorter.

As a double majored Mechanical Engineered, I understand the demands of the course study. I also understand the power of time being together! The complexity of a relationship involves mixing study and time together.

It's an honor to follow the Moderators' posts above. Beautifully said.
I admire you for reaching out, and I appreciate you for coming back and being so open-minded.
It sounds to me as if you really love this little bird.
Stick with us and w'll see you through whatever decision you make.

I feel your pain ! I am also an engineering student, but I have the fortune of living at home and a family that regularly interacts with my bird while I am away at school. Technically, I'd say my bird prefers my father right now... we're joking she has a crush on him, which might not be much of a joke. She will choose him over me, given the opportunity. Still, it doesn't make my bond any slighter. You just need to focus on building your relationship. You could try trick training if you've hit a wall with your socialization (i.e. target training, or simple tricks like wave or spin).

Birds are so long lived, I'd take someone who can reliably care for a bird & understands their health needs over someone they "prefer". My bird is fickle in her favorites, and sometimes it fluctuates. But what stays constant is her need for yearly vet visits, a balanced diet, and a clean environment. Assert your ownership over Missy, & if your roommate is so insistent that he must have a bird of his own, then he can purchase one himself while assuming all the work and risks required of pet ownership. Provide him the appropriate literature, of course, for such an undertaking.