Confession of mental conflict about parrot

I am afraid to post this. I don't know who else would understand, though. I've been posting about our new rescue B&G, and the responses have been so helpful. This time the issue is me, not Gus. When I met my future husband he had an Amazon parrot. He was delightful for an Amazon - not evil, accepted me as part of the flock, but I was always last in the pecking order. Those of you who are spouses / partners of parrots may understand. Humans need love just as much as parrots, and it can be difficult to have a guard parrot keeping you at a distance from your person. I wasn't happy about it, but it was how it was, so I tried to make the bird's life as good as could be, researched food and care, did everything I could to help him recover from his chronic illness, but he did not survive.

It was a terrible time for us. Hubs went into deep grief and depression. I grieved, but I hadn't known him for as long, and he wasn't bonded to me, so there is no comparison. Now comes the future. I personally didn't want another parrot right away. We're at the age where we have the time and freedom to travel, and I am a rolling stone. I like to go off in the car for a there week trip through the western parks, or go car camping, or go for a weekend getaway, or stay overnight in town (it's an hour drive home from movies, party, etc.) and this doesn't go with parrot.

I never had children and never wanted to, and a parrot is like a permanent child. At least maybe the kids learn to drive and move out eventually, but a parrot is the rest of your life. I view it as a commitment of the highest order, a decision to be made soberly and gravely, much like the decision to have or adopt a child. Parrots are too intelligent and emotionally inflexible to discard when they become inconvenient. So I really, really didn't want to get another bird. Maybe foster. But my human really, really needs a bird. Can't bear the thought of fostering and letting go. I decided everyone needs what they need. If he needs a bird, he needs a bird. If I need to travel, I need to travel. He's willing to let me go off on my own, though he doesn't like it.

So now we have this new baby, this poor rescued B&G, and I am devoting hours of time learning how to make his life better, learning what he needs to eat, what he wants to chew, what he fears and what he likes, what he needs to be healthy and happy. I do love him. I love to scratch his little head, I love it when he sits on my lap like a blue chicken, I love it when he scrambles up to my shoulder to go walkabout. But I also want him to bond to hubs and he is. The sad thing is that I think part of the reason he chose this parrot is because he thought he would be good with both of us due to his gentle nature. But what he really wanted was another Amazon and he misses the energy and bluster. So I think down the road he might need to get one.

This is a long post and I hope not too rambling. I felt I should confess that I'm not the real parrot person. I feel enormous trepidation about taking on such a responsibility. I feel guilty about wanting to go off for a long trip. I feel guilty about not being willing to give up my passion for exploring, permanently, to care for a bird. At the same time I do love this little macaw, this misshapen little blue bundle of sweetnes, and I will be asking questions and bugging you all for advice in order to give him as much as I can. I figure maybe I'm not the best parront, but I will be the best parront spouse - step parront? That I can be. Is this enough? Is it ok for me to keep posting here? Maybe there should be a forum for the spouses/partners, because we have different issues and experiences, and because the happiness of the parrot may be dependent on the happiness of the spouse. It's challenging, to have to take on the responsibility and inconvenience of a parrot that hates you, or just tolerates you, or even displaces you. I'm very conflicted, and maybe that's how it should be. Important things should give us pause, maybe.

Thanks for letting me talk about this. I can't keep it inside. No need to flame me ...just keeping it 100.

I think you are fantastic for being real and true, flame you LOL, no don't think that will happen. Want to wish you luck and hope you can please everyone although it is not easy. Any chance that there is someone that could bird sit for you so you have a chance to get away for a while, together?

I say please post away, you bring a different angle which is probably appreciated by many readers of this site, don't stop now LOL!

It is more than OK for you to keep posting here, it is absolutely welcomed! Marriage is all about give and take, and compromise, and it sounds like you and the hubby are figuring out just how to accomplish that. Which is by no means always an easy task, especially in regards to such a potentially complicated scenario.

You sound like you are doing a great job, especially as a "step parront". Your care and concern about the well-being of gus, even though you didn't really want another parrot, speaks volumes.

I can only speak for myself, but I very much admire your decision to post this. Easy to post the good things, much more difficult to post things we are personally conflicted about. But, if you don't talk about it, how can you get help? You are in just the right place, doing just the right thing, and I think you are wonderful for it!

And I can assure you, no one is going to flame you, not in the slightest. And if anyone did have the audacity to do so, it would be *rapidly* taken care of.

I agree with plumsmum completely. It is hard to tell how many people your posts will help, as there are alot of family members who are also members, and your posts could help them. Your posts can also help the rest of us if we have a significant other who is not the bird person.
I love your honesty, and your love for your husband and for Gus.
You won't be flamed here, on the off chance someone would, the Mods would take care of that as flaming is not welcomed nor allowed here
Please stay with us!

Kentuckienne said:

I am afraid to post this. I don't know who else would understand, though. I've been posting about our new rescue B&G, and the responses have been so helpful. This time the issue is me, not Gus. When I met my future husband he had an Amazon parrot. He was delightful for an Amazon - not evil, accepted me as part of the flock, but I was always last in the pecking order. Those of you who are spouses / partners of parrots may understand. Humans need love just as much as parrots, and it can be difficult to have a guard parrot keeping you at a distance from your person. I wasn't happy about it, but it was how it was, so I tried to make the bird's life as good as could be, researched food and care, did everything I could to help him recover from his chronic illness, but he did not survive.

It was a terrible time for us. Hubs went into deep grief and depression. I grieved, but I hadn't known him for as long, and he wasn't bonded to me, so there is no comparison. Now comes the future. I personally didn't want another parrot right away. We're at the age where we have the time and freedom to travel, and I am a rolling stone. I like to go off in the car for a there week trip through the western parks, or go car camping, or go for a weekend getaway, or stay overnight in town (it's an hour drive home from movies, party, etc.) and this doesn't go with parrot.

I never had children and never wanted to, and a parrot is like a permanent child. At least maybe the kids learn to drive and move out eventually, but a parrot is the rest of your life. I view it as a commitment of the highest order, a decision to be made soberly and gravely, much like the decision to have or adopt a child. Parrots are too intelligent and emotionally inflexible to discard when they become inconvenient. So I really, really didn't want to get another bird. Maybe foster. But my human really, really needs a bird. Can't bear the thought of fostering and letting go. I decided everyone needs what they need. If he needs a bird, he needs a bird. If I need to travel, I need to travel. He's willing to let me go off on my own, though he doesn't like it.

So now we have this new baby, this poor rescued B&G, and I am devoting hours of time learning how to make his life better, learning what he needs to eat, what he wants to chew, what he fears and what he likes, what he needs to be healthy and happy. I do love him. I love to scratch his little head, I love it when he sits on my lap like a blue chicken, I love it when he scrambles up to my shoulder to go walkabout. But I also want him to bond to hubs and he is. The sad thing is that I think part of the reason he chose this parrot is because he thought he would be good with both of us due to his gentle nature. But what he really wanted was another Amazon and he misses the energy and bluster. So I think down the road he might need to get one.

This is a long post and I hope not too rambling. I felt I should confess that I'm not the real parrot person. I feel enormous trepidation about taking on such a responsibility. I feel guilty about wanting to go off for a long trip. I feel guilty about not being willing to give up my passion for exploring, permanently, to care for a bird. At the same time I do love this little macaw, this misshapen little blue bundle of sweetnes, and I will be asking questions and bugging you all for advice in order to give him as much as I can. I figure maybe I'm not the best parront, but I will be the best parront spouse - step parront? That I can be. Is this enough? Is it ok for me to keep posting here? Maybe there should be a forum for the spouses/partners, because we have different issues and experiences, and because the happiness of the parrot may be dependent on the happiness of the spouse. It's challenging, to have to take on the responsibility and inconvenience of a parrot that hates you, or just tolerates you, or even displaces you. I'm very conflicted, and maybe that's how it should be. Important things should give us pause, maybe.

Thanks for letting me talk about this. I can't keep it inside. No need to flame me ...just keeping it 100.

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What is car camping?

I say figure out how to take the bird/s (and hubby) with you some of the time. Or find someone else who wants a bird part time (i.e. takes care of them while you go away but is very involved with there day to day life). Also, cleverly done (foraging toys), your bird will survive at home without you and your hubby for an over nighter or two.

Thanks all, I was starting to feel like a phony. Car camping is when you drive to a campsite and then set up your tent, chuck box, kitchen etc. instead of carrying everything in a backpack.

My sister used to parrot-sit the Amazon, and I think Gus will be gentle enough that she will be able to keep him also. Problem is she has seven cats which have the run of the downstairs, so the bird must be confined to the upstairs guest suite. Even though she goes up to spend time with the bird every evening after work, it's still an isolated situation for a bird that's used to constant company. We had a sitter who would keep him, but she had several birds and dogs of her own and he never could be let out of his travel cage. Plus I worry about him picking up an infection from other birds. Maybe he could stay at the vet's, and we talked about getting a small RV and taking him with. Maybe the real issue is hubby is a stay at homer - he'd make a good dairy farmer - and my picture is what you see if you look up "fugacity" in the dictionary.

As spouse/partner of someone which children/birds, there are always issues. It's not good to be defensive or pretend they don't exist. Problems for human - what would make it better? What are the needs of the human that must be met? Problems for parront - what support is needed, how can the partner understand a bond that they don't participate in? What are the needs of the parrot, and how can the parrot be helped to have a good relationship with the step-parront? The only way it can work is if the humans have good intentions and work together, as a team, with the welfare of all in mind. Step-parront is not enemy, and parront is not bad partner for loving a bird. Maybe we need a new word - I propose "Polly-amory".

Thanks for a beautiful post, straight from the heart! Please continue the narrative with the knowledge every mod has access to heavy-duty fire extinguishers. You shall not be flamed here!!

Communication and innovation may be the key to your dilemma. Assuming he fully understands your desires and concerns, is he essentially on the same page? The solution may eventually involve either boarding Gus or having a trusted pet sitter care for him either in your home or theirs. A day-trip or overnight outing shouldn't pose a serious problem if Gus is in his cage and has access to abundant food/water.

I agree with everything that everyone has said above! Also, remember most ugly secrets really aren't ugly once they're out in the daylight! You soon find out that what you were going through is been gone through by many many others!

Wow, that is a perspective that a lot of folks on here do not even consider when getting or wanting a parrot. Especially those of us married folks. I am super lucky in that my wife, Geri, loved our old parrot Maxie, and when he passed, was just as, if not more, affected by his death then I was. I have always been the parrot person, she had never had one prior to meeting me. And I was the one that decided it was time to look at maybe getting a another parrot. Salty and I have been very very lucky that Geri has decided to let us both into her heart, and she keeps us both alive.

Something I have not seen brought up is the possibility of you and your husband taking Gus and any future birds with you on some of your travels. Only in captivity are parrots confined to small homes they never venture outside of. In nature, the freely roam hundreds of miles of rainforest with their mate and flock. Moving about is in their DNA. Many parrots and owners find trips with birds a rewarding experience for everyone. Perhaps not every trip would be appropriate to bring a parrot on, but some could and that could work out to be a fair and fun compromise for everyone

Also, I understand from your husbands perspective how it feels to need a bird in your life. I felt empty without a parrot around, having grown up with them. My husband would never own a pet period if it weren't for me, let alone a troublesome exotic dinobird. I just can't bear living in a home that isn't livened up by a parrot. Kiwi is 100% my bird. I picked him, I did the majority of the work training and socializing him, I feed, clean and care for him, I am the main one who interacts with him. My husband has grown to love him and interacts with him but he's ultimately my responsibility and hubby takes very little part in his day to day care. It has worked well for us. Not everyone is a big animal person and thats ok.

Scott said:

Thanks for a beautiful post, straight from the heart! Please continue the narrative with the knowledge every mod has access to heavy-duty fire extinguishers. You shall not be flamed here!!

Communication and innovation may be the key to your dilemma. Assuming he fully understands your desires and concerns, is he essentially on the same page? The solution may eventually involve either boarding Gus or having a trusted pet sitter care for him either in your home or theirs. A day-trip or overnight outing shouldn't pose a serious problem if Gus is in his cage and has access to abundant food/water.

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If you guys really think it's OK, we might try leaving him alone overnight once he trusts that we will always come back. He spent eight years in the cage in the back in the corner in the dark so we don't have the heart to go out for more than a few hours yet.

I believe that part - a big part - of the answer is to accept that people are different and to accept them as they are, not to try to make them change. It's a risk - if two people wind up doing too many things apart it can have consequences. But if we can find enough things to enjoy doing together, and allow one another to enjoy doing things alone, then things will work out. Come to think of it, that's good advice for relating to a parrot. Luckily it's working out that Gus is bonding to J, so he might not mind me being gone for short periods..

There's always the future-tense of getting an RV and exploring the open road. My grandparents took 3 extremely yappy shelties everywhere they went in theirs... I don't see why a bird would pose a problem. If he's harness trained you could even go hiking with him once in a while. Free Flying looks like a lot of fun!

Invest in a really nice travel carrier, and in the RV you could always enclose one of the 'Cabinets' into a bird cage with doors. Hotels are probably a bad idea, but you could always park on the opposite end of an RV park and be fine. Some places let you rent lots so you have no neighbors and beach for miles. (Carrabelle Florida for example.)

Car Camping you could always crack the windows and set the bird up inside the vehicle under a blanket to prevent drafts. No kids means free backseat.

Great, great, great advice, all!

I can only add to the encouragement to keep posting. In fact, my ol' man (who chose the name "Rival of the Rickeybird") posts here. Often, I find that instead of arguing about bird issues in daily life, we come here and take playful jabs at each other. He regularly raids the Rickeybird's Scrapbook and leaves clever and worldly comments that he is sure delight and amaze all.

Maybe your husband would enjoy visiting this site.

Your human is lucky to have you my husband is in a similar place; he could happily live in a home with one dog, me, and no one else. But on a deep, soul level, I need my birds and my cat. Maybe I could part with the fish...

I know that my husband doesn't love them, but he loves me and he is compassionate toward them, protective of them, proud of their accomplishments, but if I were to pass away I expect only my cockatiel Glorie would remain with him, and perhaps Kaleo and Nohea, two of my IRNs, depending on the situation. I have a large flock and have made other arrangements for them.

I guess that got a bit off topic. In the end, we compromise. Some of the things we have done are;

-the first thing we do every time we move (about once a year) is seek out a vet AND PET SITTER! Most of my birds are pretty easy with strangers, but I used to watch my friends parrots (and dog and cat and rabbits) for weeks at a time so they could travel.

-I harness train my birds. Josh loves hiking, the beach, and other adventures, so I DO my best to make it so my birds can go with me

-my birds are used to carriers. Like I said, we move a lot, but I know plenty of people who travel with their birds in the car, in a camper, I even met a guy who put his lovebird on his shoulder to ride his motorcycle from Arizona to Sturges, South Dakota for the motor cycle rally each year (which i do NOT recommend!!) my point is; take the bird with you! It might take some time before he is ready, but just like human children he can happily accompany you on some of your vacations with the right adjustments

And just for the fun of it I'll include some pics of my birds going on adventures with me




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Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I feel much better now that I've outed myself as the reluctant parront. I will do my best by Gus, and it's impossible to not love him. He settles in the lap, turns up his chin for rubbing, and makes ....the sweetest little sqonking noises. I tell myself, at least I get to pet this one. And when the amazon rescue arrives...because I just have a feeling...at least maybe I'll have a friend in the menagerie.

You're not the only one conflicted! Parker gives me some conflict.

I was so torn between an ekkie and a macaw. Macaws kind of have my heart. Problem is their activity level. As a dog owner I'm not a "run around outside throwing the ball" kind of owner, I'm a lazy "veg on the couch" owner. Constant attention doesn't suit me. A macaw would a little too busy for me.

Parker is perfect for me in that respect. Hes a lazy perch potato who just wants to sit with you. I just wish he had a tiny bit more animation, and let me touch more beyond a quick stroke of the wing (don't you dare try to touch his head or keep your hand anywhere on him for an extended period of time, lest you pull back a nub).

But I keep coming back to macaws and have a lot of "what if" going through my head. A part of me regrets not having a macaw. This isn't to detract from Parker, he's an absolute prince and sweetheart and couldn't imagine my life without him. He's perfect in every way.

Classic case of what you want vs what you need.

Chris-md....Gus must be the most chill B&G ever. He is nearly silent - does squawk and squonk now and then if he thinks we are leaving. Sits quietly most of the time. Chews delicatey on toys. Allows himself to be picked up just about any time for scratches, and doesn't want you to stop. I think my husband really wanted another amazon, but all the rescue 'zons he looked at were fiercely one-person birds, or hated women, and he wanted a bird that would accept both of us ... plus a macaw is about the most parroty parrot there is. Now that Gus is here, we both can have all the bird love we can hold - but he misses the fire and energy of the little green ones. That's why I expect that some day, after we see how Gus has settled in, he will want another amazon. There really is something about a bird that whistles, talks, sings, and generally feists around like an amazon.

Did you know going in that you wanted a macaw, but thought it would be too much bird? If Parker were more physically affectionate, would it change that? Because that can change, maybe. I used to care for our amazon when my husband was away - family stuff. At first the bird would miss him terribly. I was only allowed to touch the underside of his feet as I carried him around the house looking for his absent mate. But he would sit on the living room perch with me in the evenings, and after a few days he would sit on my arm, but not go up to the shoulder. And sometimes, if it was late and he was sleepy, he would let me touch his chest feathers a while. I think maybe over time he would have allowed me full friend status - except (fortunately) our mate always returned, and I was abruptly demoted to "chopped liver" status.

It's probably anathema to say, but even people - who have promised 'till death do us part - sometimes change and get divorced. It makes sense that if a person can fall out of love with a human, they could fall out of love with a bird. But the bird doesn't understand. People also separate from their children which is maybe a better analogy, as the children don't usually choose or want or understand why one parent isn't there anymore. It's not ideal but it happens. This is why I look at parrot "ownership" as a lifelong commitment. It's cruel to the parrot to send it away. It's too bad there's no way to audition possible mates and let the bird go home with its true love. The heart wants what the heart wants. My sister has seven house cats, and folks have multiple big birds, because sometimes that's what it takes. I hope you find the right combination of feathered odalisques for your harem. :red: need more newspaper!

GaleriaGila said:

Great, great, great advice, all!

I can only add to the encouragement to keep posting. In fact, my ol' man (who chose the name "Rival of the Rickeybird") posts here. Often, I find that instead of arguing about bird issues in daily life, we come here and take playful jabs at each other. He regularly raids the Rickeybird's Scrapbook and leaves clever and worldly comments that he is sure delight and amaze all.

Maybe your husband would enjoy visiting this site.

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Well! I will be avenged! *heading for the scrapbook*

SUCH big hugs! You are a legend, and we live in real life
One of the things I did early on was find a couple of girls at secondary school (mid-late teens) who enjoyed spending time with parrots. We go away alot...mental health thing...inlaws are our neighbours....and so early on the girls and the parrots got close. Sometimes they just come with us, but when they don't, they know and love the people in our house. This has included a 10 day trip to Perth, our IRN sulked for about 48hrs on our return.
My husband is very much a step parront. He's also a step brother to parrots? His parents have a SC2 he really struggles with, and my mum has an RB2 who spent 8 months boarding with us. He warmed up to the Galah, and he is doing well now with our IRN.
We're tossing up the idea of a year in an RV....the animals were holding us back. When we realised they could come too, it opened up a new world of possibilities. When there is a will there is a way Nothing is perfect, and sometimes parrot ownership has it's tough sides too.