Something hubby said yesterday made me sad

Cthebird

New member
Sep 19, 2017
101
0
East coast of USA
Parrots
I now have a young Hahn's macaw. I used to have a Pacific Parrotlet that lived until almost 15. Before that I had a budgie.
I forget exactly how the topic came up, but I was telling hubby how I am trying to teach my Hahns macaw the sign language for "I love you". Of course I will never fully know if my little bird boy understands exactly what I'm saying and signing, but I'm sure he knows it's positive. It then came about that my husband said that he does not love our macaw. That really struck me and made me extremely sad. At first I thought he was kidding, but later realized he wasn't. He later said he "liked" our little bird boy, but didn't love him. He said he did love our old Pacific Parrotlet, though.

Our Hahns macaw is just under 1 year old (end of March is his 1st birthday), but our Pacific Parrotlet lived until he was almost 15. There is clearly a difference in their temperaments. Our Pacific Parrotlet was pretty easy going, calm, and sweet. Our Hahns is sweet often, but a bit of a rough houser. He's still a very young guy and much more playful. It's true that we often get scratched because his nails are sharp and he play bites on occasion. He never play bites me hard at all, but occasionally he does bite my husband hard. I think part of it is my husband's fault at how he approaches him, but my husband thinks I am not training him not to bite, and I should. How do you stop a juvenile Hahns macaw from play biting when he's excited and having fun? And as for biting my husband hard on occasion, I still think that's my husband's fault. I sometimes see my husband approach him in a threatening looking way (and tell him), even though my husband doesn't really mean for it to be. My husband ignores my suggestions/warnings.

I will say that I am with my Hahns macaw almost all day every single day, so I am the constant presence. My husband only sees him occasionally before work, and every day after work and on the weekends. Our Hahns seems to really enjoy being around my husband in general. Actually, when my hubby is home, my Hahns seems to prefer to be around him more than me.

Should I somehow train my Hahns to stop play biting? If so, how? Again, I think the hard biting of my husband is based on something my husband does or possibly maybe a little jealousy.

I do put my bird back in his cage when he really misbehaves. I do scold him.

We pretty much never had this issue with our Pacific Parrotlet.

I love my Hahns macaw.
 
Last edited:

SilverSage

New member
Sep 14, 2013
5,937
93
Columbus, GA
Parrots
Eclectus, CAG, BH Pionus, Maximilian’s Pionus, Quakers, Indian Ringnecks, Green Cheeked Conures, Black Capped Conures, Cockatiels, Lovebirds, Budgies, Canaries, Diamond Doves, Zebra Finches, Society F
First, don’t be too upset with your husband for being honest about his feelings. We have a large flock and josh only LOVES a few of them. When our precious Glorie, the cockatiel passed, he was shattered. But if Nohea, my closest companion were to die, most of his sadness would be for the pain I would feel.

He is falling hard for Tsali, our newest flock member, but Kaleo he could do without. He likes her, but he doesn’t love her. It’s just how relationships work; some are closer than others.

As for “play biting” I would really suggest you look up some of Birdman666’s old threads on bite pressure training :). Playing is great but it’s important that your bird learn not to hurt you during play.

Also, I dremmel my flock’s nails and others use clippers, but keeping those needle nails under control is an important part of building and maintaining the relationship between your husband and your bird. Think about it; if your bird is sharp, your husband may be cringing every time he handles him just out of physical pain. That can really impact how he feels about the bird even if he doesn’t realize what is causing him to be uncomfortable handling him.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

LordTriggs

New member
May 11, 2017
3,427
24
Surrey, UK
Parrots
Rio (Yellow sided conure) sadly no longer with us
Like Sage said love is a strange thing. My mum currently has 2 dogs. Her big shepherd I love to bits but her terrier whilst I enjoy and get on with as much as I do any other critter I don't have a bond with him. It's through no fault of anyone, me and him just never got close to each other in that special way
 

Scott

Supporting Member
Aug 21, 2010
32,673
9,789
San Diego, California USA, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy
Parrots
Goffins: Gabby, Abby, Squeaky, Peanut, Popcorn / Citron: Alice / Eclectus: Angel /Timneh Grey: ET / Blue Fronted Amazon: Gonzo /

RIP Gandalf and Big Bird, you are missed.
Very sad to hear, but seems your husband was honest with such admission. Hopefully this will allow you to take some positive actions to prevent an escalation of his indifference to something worse.

Trimming the nails will of course help, but as your Hahns matures perhaps the "offending" behaviors will moderate. (TBH, I don't know the species)

Birdman666 indeed has written extensively on macaw beaks: http://www.parrotforums.com/macaws/56384-big-beak-o-phobes-guide-understanding-macaw-beaks.html

Bite-pressure mitigation: http://www.parrotforums.com/training/63988-bite-pressure-training.html

Another factor may be your husband's feelings for your Pacific Parrotlet; depending on the circumstance of his absence, might he still be mourning on some level and experiencing loss?
 

Carl_Power

New member
Oct 3, 2017
542
21
England
Parrots
Quaker Parrot
Its ok that he doesn't love him. As long as he is nice to him. Who knows, he might really grow on him one day but if not then you love him and that's better than what a lot of Parrots get. 0 people that love them. I think he is lucky that someone loves him and I'm sure he really loves you too and that's special x
 

wrench13

Moderator
Staff member
Super Moderator
Parrot of the Month 🏆
Nov 22, 2015
11,383
Media
14
Albums
2
12,567
Isle of Long, NY
Parrots
Yellow Shoulder Amazon, Salty
Scolding parrots at best does nothing. At worst, it re-enforces the bad behavior, because he got a reaction from you. When Salty gets a little out of hand and bites too hard ( or real hard)., I tell him " Easy" in a quite voice and put him on a chair back, turn away from him and ignore him for a minute. What I'm doing is shunning him from the flock, which is what wild birds do. Dont put him in his cage - that should be a refuge from the world, not to be seen as a punishment. Dont do the earthquake thing - that destroys trust in your handling of the parrot. But your reaction to bites should be immediate (so the bird puts two and two together) and consistent with you and your husband - thats important. May take some time, since both of you are not coordinating your reactions, but talk it out, and agree on how you both will react.
I guarantee you will see slow improvement. And trim them nails, that can hurt and its no fault of the parrot.
 

GaleriaGila

Well-known member
Parrot of the Month 🏆
May 14, 2016
15,045
8,742
Cleveland area
Parrots
The Rickeybird, 38-year-old Patagonian Conure
Great points above!
My husband's ID here is "Rival of the Rickeybird". The bird HATES him and the rival is grudgingly accepting of his... er... rival. We've worked out elaborate compromises to make it tolerable to both. Love is strange. Good luck to you!
 
OP
Cthebird

Cthebird

New member
Sep 19, 2017
101
0
East coast of USA
Parrots
I now have a young Hahn's macaw. I used to have a Pacific Parrotlet that lived until almost 15. Before that I had a budgie.
  • Thread Starter
  • Thread starter
  • #8
Thanks so much, everyone, for the feedback and suggestions. Scott, thanks for the great links! I read both threads in their entirety. I'll try the suggestions in them. The thing is that I really think my hubby has to be more willing to try them, too, since he is the one that really has the bite pressure problem. Not me. But of course I imagine that someday I'll have a harder than usual bite.

I know it is high time we trim my Hahns' nails. I do need my husband to help, I think. I have managed to towel him and administer eye drops before, but he HATES HATES being toweled! I know that toweling is important and I should get him a bit more used to it. Actually, his fear of the toweling was so bad during the eye drops period (just one eye) that I managed to get the eye drops administered even without the towel, but I think clipping the nails won't be that easy. The last time his nails were trimmed was at the avian vets. I certainly don't want to take him there just for that. It's far away and expensive. We have a special nail clipper specifically for parrots.
 

GaleriaGila

Well-known member
Parrot of the Month 🏆
May 14, 2016
15,045
8,742
Cleveland area
Parrots
The Rickeybird, 38-year-old Patagonian Conure
About the nails... maybe a long-term solution...

I really recommend getting those nail-trimming perches... they can eliminate nail-trimming, which was always so stressful for me and the Rb. It took a few years, but I eventually established a pattern/rotation that keeps him trimmed. I haven't had to do his nails in 20-plus years. I keep a dowel as the main "highway" down the middle of the cage, but the special cement/trimmer/textured perches are all over.
A few brands... but there are many: Polly's Sand Walk... Pumice Perch... Trimmer Perch...
Be sure to introduce them gradually: they're abrasive to their tender feet at first. I LOVE them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are smooth on top and abrasive underneath. Very easy to install/clean, oo.
Sweet Feet and Beaks Pedicure Perch xsmall for parrots, Feather Fantasy
May take a while to get the right combinations/locations, but was worth it for me and the Rb.
 

chris-md

Well-known member
Feb 6, 2010
4,349
2,119
Maryland - USA
Parrots
Parker - male Eclectus

Aphrodite - red throated conure (RIP)
I’m totally in this boat. My partners not a bird guy, never was, never occurred to him that he’d have a parrot. Fast forward, I talked him into it.

He refuses to say he loves Parker. Eddie really enjoys hanging out with him, holding him, that’s his buddy for sure. Even says he misses him when we’re on vacation. And Parker has definitely chosen eddie as his favorite. But LOVE is a step too far.

It bothered me at first. How have you bonded and can’t say that? But I’ve since come to appreciate that people move at their own pace. Eddie went from never envisioning having a parrot to missing ours when we’re gone in just 2 years. Love will come.

I can live with that.
 

eagle18

Banned
Banned
Jan 25, 2018
262
7
Missouri
Parrots
I have one Umbrella, a Bare Eye, and two budgies.
I have to be honest, I have never emotionally connected to my birds. I respect them, and enjoy their company, but I don't love them, not like I have my cats and dogs. It is refreshing to read about somebody else feeling the same way.
 

Rival_of_the_Rickeybird

Well-known member
2x Parrot of the Month 🏆
Jul 31, 2016
1,367
1,863
Ohio
Parrots
None. My wife has one too many. Kidding!
I am the long-suffering rival of the... you know. My signature tells the story --- I love my wife, wife loves Bird, therefore I --- tolerate Bird. After all, he was here before I was, and I've been here for 25 years. The first few years we were together, I pretty much tried to make friends with him and lied my head off about appreciating what a fabulous critter he was. Eventually, we all three agreed to compromises. When he's on the loose, I don't touch my wife or even get too close to them when they're romancing. He used to fly at my head when I violated his rules, but I have learned my lesson(S). It's not too much of a sacrifice in order to support one of my ol' lady's greatest delights in life but, do I love him? She has never even asked.
We had some tense moments over the years. Thanks to this site, we now jab and joke at each other in Bird's scraphook, all in good fun.
http://www.parrotforums.com/incredi...11-rickeybird-scrapbook-1984-updates-197.html
 

wrench13

Moderator
Staff member
Super Moderator
Parrot of the Month 🏆
Nov 22, 2015
11,383
Media
14
Albums
2
12,567
Isle of Long, NY
Parrots
Yellow Shoulder Amazon, Salty
Rival if all mates could come to that understanding, and I for one am proud that your of my gender, there would be a LOT fewer re-homed parrots. Not all men are unrelenting control freaks, some of us put up with a lot for the sake of our beloveds
 

Kentuckienne

Supporting Vendor
Oct 9, 2016
2,742
1,631
Middle of nowhere (kentuckianna)
Parrots
Roommates include Gus, Blue and gold macaw rescue and Coco, secondhand amazon
Hey, I know this situation! Love can’t be commanded, and he either loves the bird or he doesn’t. If all he gets is the negative - poop, bird cage in the way, noise, bites - without the love back from the bird, it’s hard to feel love.

Your husband will need to work with the macaw, but you probably have to do it first, and do more of it. Yes, you must bite pressure train him, so he knows exactly what a bad bite is, and the warning/result is the same every time. This can be something like a ten minute time out in the cage, being ignored and left by himself. No more than that because they don’t remember. Once he understands that biting too hard means cage time-out, it’s easier for your husband to do the same. If he gets bitten too hard, time-out. So you set the pattern for the desired behavior, and then your husband follows exactly, and birdie learns that this is the way of the house if all goes well.

If the primary flock-mate doesn’t take the lead on training and establishing firm guidelines, it’s very difficult for the less-favored one to make much progress. In fact, the parrot might get the idea that he’s second in command and lay some grief on that human. Dont ask me how I know this.
 

chadwick

Well-known member
Nov 7, 2011
2,571
196
Parrots
Yellow Collared Macaw
My husband routinely says the “birds are your thing” I’m not offended he’s just not a bird person. However , he loves the dogs.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

MarleyMom

New member
Feb 14, 2018
6
0
I agree with what a lot of people are saying about love. We have two wiener dogs. I love them both very much. They are very different temperaments. Our puppy is wide open and super snuggly, but my husband hasn't bonded with her like I have. I LOVE her, he likes her lol I think men and women are different when it comes to love, too. Don't let that comment upset you- easier said than done I know :)
 

FlyBirdiesFly

New member
Jul 30, 2017
1,304
Media
7
71
I have a cat and four birds and I have emotionally connected much more with the birds. I love my cat and I love my birds, but I have really bonded with my birds as individuals. You cannot blame your husband, as long as tolerates or “likes” your parrot and doesn’t mistreat him it’s fine.
 
OP
Cthebird

Cthebird

New member
Sep 19, 2017
101
0
East coast of USA
Parrots
I now have a young Hahn's macaw. I used to have a Pacific Parrotlet that lived until almost 15. Before that I had a budgie.
  • Thread Starter
  • Thread starter
  • #18
I guess I can live with my hubby just liking my macaw. Hopefully the affection will grow over time. We are a couple who never had kids, so to me my macaw is like my little boy. It's odd to think my husband doesn't feel similarly. He definitely did with our Pacific Parrotlet.

It's hard to figure out how I'm supposed to do the bite pressure training if my Hahns never bites me hard. When hubby gets bitten hard my Hahns is immediately sent back to the cage. I do still have some issues with my Hahns that require training. I'm working on them. I never yell at him as part of any training, but I do talk firmly.
 

gentleheart

Member
Feb 25, 2016
47
0
Parrots
Baby the Peachfaced Lovebird
About the nails... maybe a long-term solution...

I really recommend getting those nail-trimming perches... they can eliminate nail-trimming, which was always so stressful for me and the Rb. It took a few years, but I eventually established a pattern/rotation that keeps him trimmed. I haven't had to do his nails in 20-plus years. I keep a dowel as the main "highway" down the middle of the cage, but the special cement/trimmer/textured perches are all over.
A few brands... but there are many: Polly's Sand Walk... Pumice Perch... Trimmer Perch...
Be sure to introduce them gradually: they're abrasive to their tender feet at first. I LOVE them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are smooth on top and abrasive underneath. Very easy to install/clean, oo.
Sweet Feet and Beaks Pedicure Perch xsmall for parrots, Feather Fantasy
May take a while to get the right combinations/locations, but was worth it for me and the Rb.

Wow. You are the first person I have ever heard of that those perches actually worked for, to the point where you don't have to trim nails. Very interesting! I've always had one in the cage, but never noticed a difference. Didn't seem to help the galah I used to care for at all. I guess the key is having most of the perches being nail trimming perches then?

I keep an eye on my lovies nails, but haven't had to trim them. I figure he breaks off any super long points when he's out flying around the house and lands on various things. Even when his nails are "sharp", they don't hurt at all. Not like the guys conure size and up!
 

bug_n_flock

Well-known member
Jan 2, 2018
1,371
207
Isolated Holler in the Appalachian Wilderness
Parrots
B&G Macaw, Galah, 5 cockatiels, 50 billion and a half budgies. We breed and do rescue. Too many to list each individual's name and age etc, but they are each individuals and loved dearly.
I have three birds. I even tell them(or at least Fatty) that I do not love them the same way that I love my Alex Bird. Starting to go from "like" to "love" with Fatty, but the baby it is impossible not to love(just how unweaned babies are). In some hypothetical emergency where I could only save one? Alex. No question. Do I take less than amazing care of the other two birds who are not my Alex? HECK no.

To be fair though, I think my answer would be the same even if I were one of the options of things to save and can only save one. Still save Alex. Seriously. If a crisis ever went down where it would be impossible to save him I'd need to literally be dragged away from him.

That isn't to say I don't like all my critters and do all I can to give them the best life possible, but Alex is my best friend in the world; I value his life above mine and that is not a joke or just a saying. I mean every word of it. Even when he is being a snot.

Would I do absolutely anything for my other critters? Yeah, probably. But let me put it another way:

My beloved dog and cat, the dog who I have had since a tiny puppy with fleas and ticks who needed to be nursed and I've had him nearly a decade now and my lovely ESA PTSD support cat who I have had almost 2 years.. if either one of them tried or God forbid succeeded in hurting Alex not only would I not keep them, but I think I would be in the moment seriously having to fight the urge to hurt them. And I love both of those animals very very much. Anything that hurts or threatens seriously my Alex Bird though, my heart *instantly* freezes towards. That bird is my world.

Do I think I will open up to Fatty and the baby as much as I have Alex? Probably not. I got Alex when I was a child and a child loves and trusts completely. Could I be wrong? Absolutely. I will also say that I have had animals I liked for years and then one day realized, "oh. huh, I really love this little guy" so feelings can change with time. :)

In the cat rescue community we used to call the special ones our "soul kitties" or some variant. Alex is definitely my "Soul Bird", but that doesn't mean other birds are not also important to me.
 

Most Reactions

Top