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Mayden 05-30-2013 06:31 PM

Attitudes and responses to other members.
Okay, this might seem a bit naggy and horrificly long/repetitive but I'd appreciate people reading and maybe taking it on board too.

This is basically a post about "attacking" others on the forum for actions they've done or thought about doing regarding their fids. There's many examples that have gone round in my time of being on the forum and this is so far my least 'aggressive' forum that I've been on, but it still occurs. So this here is a little lesson in forum etiquette, manners and how to successfully teach someone a lesson about bird care WITHOUT scaring them off - encouraging them to come back for more help if they need it.

I think it's really important to take the approach of "the damage is done, so lets make sure the lesson is learnt to avoid it happening again".

The idea of blaming someone for something they have done regarding their fid because of ignorance is absurd. I appreciate that everyone should read up the best they can before getting a parrot but some things we just have to learn by asking questions or by our own mistakes. The best way we can help people out is for them to ask questions and for us to respond in the best way we can and encourage them to come back if they still don't understand or have more questions - surely this is the best thing for the fid?

I've been on the recieving end from said attackers in the past after rescuing a ducorps cockatoo and housing him in a parrot cage that was (undoubtly) too small for such a large too, but large enough for him to stretch and clamber around ect. The cockatoo was being housed in a travel cage 24/7 at the time, which as most of you know is not adequate. His tail feathers were barbed and matted from the water and bars on the cage, he couldn't stretch except for a wing at a time that got stuck through the bars so in my opinon, getting him out of there in ANY cage as an upgrade was better than leaving him to be sold off to some idiot in said travel cage.

I asked on a forum for help - he was my first 'parrot' (having owned budgie's before) and I wanted to make sure I was doing right by him in every way possible. I posted pictures of him in his cage with his new toys, eating etc and ALL I got back were people attacking me about the size of his cage. Seemingly to completely ignore the story (I was 18, had just been given a sizeable sum of money from my mother and spent it ALL getting him out of there and in that cage with appropriate toys etc) but no, their focus wasn't on me getting him out, it was his cage.

(Link to the cage if anyone is interested - currently Merlin's cage now - Montana Brazil)
Here's a picture of him in it! (Before a ton of toys were added and perches changed to natural wood with bark he can strip etc.:))

So instead of getting help, I was attacked, made to feel I'd done a horrible thing, ended up in tears and regretting getting him and it temporarily put me off forums or even speaking about him. I only wanted to know if I was going about bonding with him etc, correctly and if anyone could identify which cockatoo he actually was. Instead I was attacked and will never touch that forum again - I learnt nothing, other than people can be incredibly nasty. I appreciate that you may be anxious that a bird is at risk by someones actions but attacking and being aggressive is NOT the way to get somebody to learn what they have done is wrong.

Anyway; moral of my story is - please, PLEASE, do not attack anyone on this forum, berate them, put them down for their actions. They're asking for HELP to improve their birds lives and what is done is done, the best thing you can do for all involved is to offer encouraging words and help them to now do what is best. You cannot change the past, but you can permanently damage the future if you go in all guns blazing. The person will feel attacked by a community and will leave with no answers, just more anxiety and the welfare of their fid is then at stake. Is that really our goal? No, it's not.

I know some do it because they get on their high horse regarding their knowledge on birds. I know some do it out of panic and rush to get their message across. Some just don't realise they're being aggressive or think it's necessary to get their message across. It isn't.

If you think back to your best teachers in life, I'm sure it'll be the ones who took the time to sit with you, explain things thoroughly, point out your mistakes and NOT get angry with you for them, but explain how to go about it better next time.

Please guys, just take into consideration that we are human, we make mistakes and we're all here trying to learn. So let's get rid of all that nastyness, intended or not and encourage others to learn - and come back to learn some more!


BillsBirds 05-30-2013 09:42 PM

Re: Attitudes and responses to other members.
Well put, Mayden!

MissTaz 05-30-2013 10:12 PM

Re: Attitudes and responses to other members.
Thank you so much! I feel so bad when people snap at people who are here to learn. Thank you for your wise words and personal experiences! Cheers!

Triplemoon 05-30-2013 10:12 PM

Re: Attitudes and responses to other members.
I fully agree. I see it happen on all kinds of forums, groups, and the such.

Mayden 05-31-2013 02:49 AM

Re: Attitudes and responses to other members.

Originally Posted by grey782163 (Post 269377)
Bear in mind that tone and inflection, 2 important keys to conversation, are not present in written communication. These have to be inferred by the reader, and the reader's mood can color that inference. So a simple, straightforward response can be interpreted as belittling, scolding, or berating depending on the reader's mood while at the same time can be interpreted as a lighthearted jab by another reader. If there is ever a question as to what the responder meant or how they said it, there is always the option of a PM for clarification.

That's why I think smilies are actually so important in text posts on forum!


"You really shouldn't be doing that! :p"
is a lot different from
"You really shouldn't be doing that. :mad:"
and really helps to convey a message better. That's why at the end of my text post I put a smiley - and also as the thread icon too as this was not a "I'm really annoyed with everyone" post, more of a "hey guys, lets consider this...!" but I appreciate too that not everybody is a 'smiley' type person. ;)

I do understand what you're saying and I agree, it can often be taken one way when you meant another which is why I think CLEAR, ENCOURAGING messages are important, to further stress that you're not here to scold, but to teach :) Also why I won't be pulling people up on it unless it's blatantly obviously they're being nasty and need to wind their necks in because sometimes it is just miscommunication/understanding that's the problem and nothings wrong with the posts at all.

&thanks all, like I said, I don't see it too much on this forum and more often than not I think it's just a case of people not thinking their responses through properly, jumping the gun and causing the original poster stress. Having experienced it myself, like I said, it's really really horrible. So I just want others to appreciate that actions have consequences and so one blip of lashing out at someone can pretty much ruin their relationship with helpful forums which they and their fid might need.

I rehomed my 'too (which was the plan from the beginning) but I did it on my own with no help or guidance from the forum. Literally spent the day in tears doubting myself over and over because of things they said whilst trying to justify that his cage was adequate for his brief time with me. I was a great foster home for him, he had a blast whilst staying with me and was then moved on to an even better home for him. I did the right thing - I realise that now but at the time all I felt was angry, hurt and so so horrid about myself. I needed help and encouragement, not nasty people berating my every step.

JerseyWendy 05-31-2013 08:50 AM

Re: Attitudes and responses to other members.
BEAUTIFULLY said, Mayden!!!!

THANK YOU for reminding us what this is all about! :)

We want to help folks, not scare them off or shy them away.

Friendly advice will most definitely go much further than hurtful remarks. :)

Thanks again!!

Kalidasa 05-31-2013 09:17 AM

Re: Attitudes and responses to other members.
:confused::mad::eek::(:(^^its done exactly that for me. (Scare off) bye

JerseyWendy 05-31-2013 09:36 AM

Re: Attitudes and responses to other members.

Originally Posted by Kalidasa (Post 269508)
^^its done exactly that for me. (Scare off) bye

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! Good one, Kalidasa!!! :D

ruffledfeathers 05-31-2013 11:57 AM

Re: Attitudes and responses to other members.
i think that is why i have learned to overuse smileys in written correspondence. sometimes it IS hard to tell exactly how something was intended.

and there are also so many different opinions on things---cover or not cover, clip or not clip--and they vary from person to person, situation to situation. there is no absolute right or wrong, so no point arguing or offending someone who feels differently for their own reasons.

JerseyWendy 05-31-2013 05:23 PM

Re: Attitudes and responses to other members.

Originally Posted by Kalidasa (Post 269508)
:confused::mad::eek::(:(^^its done exactly that for me. (Scare off) bye

Kalidasa, I now understand. I'm sorry!!! Please don't leave!!!

I thought you cracked a funny at me, I really did. :(

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