OMG...I have to leave him

faeryphoebe1 · Oct 16, 2013

Warning: this is long.

I have no friends, no one to talk to, so I hope that I don't offend anyone by posting this here.

I've been in an abusive relationship for years. Believe it or not, I didn't realize that I was in an abusive relationship until recently.

The abuse began to escalate last year after I found out that my husband was having an affair. He has promised many times to stop hurting me. Sometimes months will pass and he's fine, until out of the blue he loses his temper and things get ugly.

Well, last night was one of those times. I got off work at 2:30 am and went to buy a few groceries. I bought some food for the family as well as strawberries, grapes, lettuce and carrots.

Everyone was sleeping when I got home, so I brought the groceries in from my car and it was about 3:30 am. The kitchen was a mess, so I had to tidy it up a bit so that I could make room for the groceries. I threw out the garbage, cleaned my hands and was washing the fruits and veggies when he startled me by stomping into the kitchen.

I should digress by saying that when I get home, I usually go and close the bedroom door so as not to wake him, but not last night. I was happily washing the grapes and strawberries when he came blazing in, screaming, saying that I was making too much noise. He began slamming cabinet doors and telling me that his sleep had been interrupted.

Suddenly, his eyes averted to the fruits and veggies and he began screaming more loudly, saying that I wasted our money on feeding the parrots. Trying to explain to him that the kids and I also eat these foods didn't help.
I guess I went too far by telling him that I wasn't exactly painting the town red with money on new clothes, new shoes or a new hairdo.

Well he grabbed me by my head and screamed in my face. When he let go, I walked away and stood facing him with my back to the kitchen sink. He then grabbed my shoulders and pushed me hard against the tile counter until I screamed from the pain. He let go and apologized while I sat sobbing on the floor.
He gave me some b.s. story about how he had suffered a mini stroke but didn't want me to worry, so he didn't tell me, and since he was super stressed and I had pushed all the wrong buttons, he had lost control. I just sat there stunned, in pain and grateful that our kids slept through it all.

I've tried to leave before. He hides my keys or physically restrains me. I could move in with my mom but she's a very controlling, a religious fanatic and is also quite mean, although not physically abusive.

I think my only choice (to be able to be on my own) is to pull my kids out of private school so that I can support the 3 of us on my sole income. The home locks can be changed when he's at work. The big thing stopping me is that FINALLY my kids are in a special needs school for ADHD. It's expensive but it's helping them a lot. Unfortunately, the public schools in my area have a lot of gang members, so if I pull the kids out of their school, I prefer to home school them, which my mom is very adamantly against.

I feel torn, hopeless and pretty worthless. My kids, fids and pets are the only ones who bring joy to my life. I feel trapped, embarrassed and stupid. And my back is really hurting.

tab_xo · Oct 16, 2013

Awwwww I am so sorry this is happening to you

Big hugs!

Definitely time to leave, you shouldn't have to deal with this!

I am not much help, im not in a relationship, dont have that experience.. But home schooling IS an option! How old are your children?

Honestly, home schooling is the EASIEST thing in the world.. I did it when i was 9 i think? and it was so simple... Then i did it when i was 16, and still found it incredibly easy...

MUCH simpler than actual school.. Its very straight forward.. 'Heres your assignment for this week, read this book'

Hope your back feels better soon!

faeryphoebe1 · Oct 16, 2013

Thank you so much, Tab. They're 12 and 15. My son and I love science and reading, so that would help. My daughter is good with computers and art.

tab_xo · Oct 16, 2013

I am not sure how it works in America, but there are 2 ways you can do it.. When i was 9, everything we did was with a big booklet.. So it would say 'Week One- list of questions for you do to'

But when i did it when i was 16 it was ALL on the computer, so it was just 'Do this quiz this week.. Complete the assignment and email it to the teacher'

So its all pretty straight forward.. And you can do all the subjects they could do in a normal school as well, so your daughter could definitely do Art.. And your son could do science, they even send a big science pack to do experiments!

It's definitely an option to look at!!

Wish you all the best! Hope you can figure out what to do!

antoinette · Oct 16, 2013

So sorry for what you are going through. You have no choice but to leave him, this is affecting your well being and most definitely your kids.

My ex was extremely physically abusive, smoked dagga and is a alcoholic. I left my ex when my guys were 3 and 1 year old, never had a job, slept with my kids in my car in a police station for two weeks, until being placed a place of safety. I got back on my feet, began my own company which I ran for 14 years (while my guys were in school)

It took ages to settle down again, long road, without the support of my family.

I have been divorced for almost 21 years, my guys have achieved the impossible, studying and going to University, never given me a days problems ever.

Believe me when a man is abusive they cry afterwards, and promise to change THEY NEVER EVER DO !!!!
I also heard all the stories of what had happen to him ABSOLUTELY B..S

My ex has re-married.......
He still abuses her, just last week he hit her so badly, she took an overdose.
My eldest son was called by his stepsister to help her.....
When seeing his father drunk and abusive for the final time he has now written his dad off forever.

There must be woman's groups, shelters etc that would be able to assist you, give them a call, you have NOTHING to lose but everything to GAIN.

If there is a world there is a way, if I could do it anyone can. I had all the odds against me, but for the sake of my guys I got through those difficult years.

YOU CAN DO IT !!!!!

Keeping you in my thought and prayers

Kimmied · Oct 16, 2013

First please know what is happening to you is NOT your fault. I think it would be better over all for you and your kids to leave your husband. They will be much happier when mommy is away from someone who hurts her a lot. You would be surprised how much kids pick up on. You may be able to get housing assistance so you won't have to move in with your mom. Or like you said change the locks when he is at work, as long as the kids don't let him in. Call the police as soon as he shows up too. If you have bruising on your back can someone take pictures? Please know you have a right to be happy as do your fids and kids. I wish there was some other way to help. There should be a women in transition in your area that you could call. They may be able to help as well.

No_where1976 · Oct 16, 2013

I'm sorry that happened to you! There should be a help line you can call here it is 211 they will have LOADS of useful information for you. I have had to call before as well. You can also call legal aid. You've made the first all important step. You know you need to leave. Keep your chin up. Protect yourself and your children. I hope your back gets better and please keep us informed. My thoughts are with you abusive relationships stink! Oh and you might try calling the private school to see if you can work out an arrangement. Just a thought. It will be one less worry

Kimmied · Oct 16, 2013

antoinette said:
So sorry for what you are going through. You have no choice but to leave him, this is affecting your well being and most definitely your kids.

My ex was extremely physically abusive, smoked dagga and is a alcoholic. I left my ex when my guys were 3 and 1 year old, never had a job, slept with my kids in my car in a police station for two weeks, until being placed a place of safety. I got back on my feet, began my own company which I ran for 14 years (while my guys were in school)

It took ages to settle down again, long road, without the support of my family.

I have been divorced for almost 21 years, my guys have achieved the impossible, studying and going to University, never given me a days problems ever.

Believe me when a man is abusive they cry afterwards, and promise to change THEY NEVER EVER DO !!!!
I also heard all the stories of what had happen to him ABSOLUTELY B..S

My ex has re-married.......
He still abuses her, just last week he hit her so badly, she took an overdose.
My eldest son was called by his stepsister to help her.....
When seeing his father drunk and abusive he has now written his dad off forever.

If there is a world there is a way, if I could do it anyone can.

Antoinette wow you are an amazing woman. I know in general women are strong. But then I see something like your story and I just stop and go wow! That is a story to inspire many.

Chelle · Oct 16, 2013

Coming from a childs point of view.... When I was a child my mom was the abusive one. Believe me your kids are very aware of what is going on. I would encourage you to file charges against him and get a restraining order ASAP!

I am so sorry you are having to go through this tough time. But know that there is always a way out! Find yours and find it FAST!!

I will keep you and your kids in my PRAYERS!!!

faeryphoebe1 · Oct 16, 2013

Tab, I found a website for homeschooling a few months ago that is accredited through by the Texas Education Agency. There are some books to order and the tests are online, so that's a viable option.

Ant...you're so brave! I'm scared of failing, but even moreso, I'm darn tired of walking on eggshells and living in fear on a daily basis. It's so stressful.

Thank you, minamommy and nowhere. It wouldn't be a bad idea to try to find other women in a similar situation. I feel all alone.

Kimmied · Oct 16, 2013

So you live in Texas. My brother lives in Grapvine( near Dallas). He also said that the public schools are terrible. My sisters friend home schooled and she told us it was pretty easy. You have to do what is beat for you and your kids and pets. Not your mom. She will get over it. In Texas there should be plenty of support groups as well as support with finding housing, food,a link with other people. We are always here for you too.

MonicaMc · Oct 17, 2013

I'm more like Chelle... I had an abusive parent. My father. It was more verbal abuse than physical, but he still pulled some crap. He was also an alcoholic.

He was finally kicked out of the house, but my mother still made it a point for my sister and I to see him on weekends and during summer break while we were growing up. I haven't spoken to him in maybe 10+ years now. Even his own mother got fed up with him and kicked him out of her house when he couldn't afford to live on his own. I know he's never met his grandson, my nephew... and he's going to be a grandfather again next year. (also my sisters)

It was rough on not only my mother but my sister and I as well. However, we survived.

You could go to a marriage counselor and see if one could be of any help... but honestly.... do you still love him? is he a good father to his kids? do you think he'd change if you got help?

If you don't think he would change, then get out of the relationship! You can survive! Your kids can survive! It will be a little shaky in the beginning.... it will be rough... but you can pull through this!

Kinny · Oct 17, 2013

i agree with everyone else... GET OUTTA THERE! This may sound awful, but its only a matter of time before he puts you or your kids in hospital.. Or worse... I am married and Christian, however even my husband agrees that if you have an abusive husband you need to leave. He wont change without serious help.

I had a somewhat abusive father, throwing me across my room smashing my head against a brick wall at 11 years old because i didn't do my clothes washing... My mother was extremely mentally abusive, i almost tried to kill myself multiple times as a child.

When i was only 5 i could tell exactly what was going on when my parents fought. No words had to be said, all us kids could sense every thing. The worst thing a father can do is to hurt a kids mother.. Please listen to what everybody has said here. You and your kids lives are in danger. You have to do whats best.

good luck faery -mega huggles- im so sorry you have to go through this...

And there are so many simple home schooling systems out there. My best friend was homeschooled and now shes at uni completing science.diplomas etc with A's. It is possible. Very possible, in fact i will be homeschooling my kids. Far too much poop going on in public schools these days, plus teachers can be horrid and almost bully kids too.

ShellyBorg · Oct 17, 2013

I was where you are. I got out 2 years ago. Money is tight but the kids and my life is so much better!

MikeyTN · Oct 17, 2013

All I can say is wow,,,,we're a group of people from different walks of life that's gone through abuse and all. I was abused since I was very young until 18 and the moment I turned 18 I moved out when a friend decided to help me out. I had nothing! Everything I've got today I worked very hard for. And later on I was in a abusive relationship being with a control freak, yes we tend to fall for idiots like that....But leaving those type of people behind is better for all of us and it only make us stronger then before. So be brave and get out while you can before he tries to hurt you even more. And do not EVER let anyone hurt you like that!!!!

SoCalWendy · Oct 17, 2013

faeryphoebe1 said:
Tab, I found a website for homeschooling a few months ago that is accredited through by the Texas Education Agency. There are some books to order and the tests are online, so that's a viable option.

Ant...you're so brave! I'm scared of failing, but even moreso, I'm darn tired of walking on eggshells and living in fear on a daily basis. It's so stressful.

Thank you, minamommy and nowhere. It wouldn't be a bad idea to try to find other women in a similar situation. I feel all alone.

When I first read your initial post, it struck a nerve. I didn't think I could respond to this. Now I am back on and I want to tell you how sorry that you are going through this. I can't tell you what to do but I will say this: IF you choose to leave, you will not fail. You fear failure because, your in fear on a daily basis. Your self esteem is being affected. Once there is peace, failure will be a distant memory. Nope it won't be easy, but which is easier, staying or leaving? Only you know the answer to that. Are your children afraid? Are they afraid for you? Have they witnesses him being violent towards you? Is he violent towards them? Remember, when they witness discord and or violence between their parents it changes them. Who they are, who they will become and the relationships they will have in the furture. Somethings to really think about.

I homeschool through California State Board of Education. I am a private school with 1 student. My daughter is in 10th grade. I have homeschooled her off and on since she was in kindergarten, but full time since 5th grade. If you have any questions, please feel free to pm me. (((Hugs)))

Ps.. Your not alone. It took courage to reach out like you did.

SoCalWendy · Oct 17, 2013

faeryphoebe1 said:
Warning: this is long.

I have no friends, no one to talk to, so I hope that I don't offend anyone by posting this here.

I've been in an abusive relationship for years. Believe it or not, I didn't realize that I was in an abusive relationship until recently.

The abuse began to escalate last year after I found out that my husband was having an affair. He has promised many times to stop hurting me. Sometimes months will pass and he's fine, until out of the blue he loses his temper and things get ugly.

Well, last night was one of those times. I got off work at 2:30 am and went to buy a few groceries. I bought some food for the family as well as strawberries, grapes, lettuce and carrots.

Everyone was sleeping when I got home, so I brought the groceries in from my car and it was about 3:30 am. The kitchen was a mess, so I had to tidy it up a bit so that I could make room for the groceries. I threw out the garbage, cleaned my hands and was washing the fruits and veggies when he startled me by stomping into the kitchen.

I should digress by saying that when I get home, I usually go and close the bedroom door so as not to wake him, but not last night. I was happily washing the grapes and strawberries when he came blazing in, screaming, saying that I was making too much noise. He began slamming cabinet doors and telling me that his sleep had been interrupted.

Suddenly, his eyes averted to the fruits and veggies and he began screaming more loudly, saying that I wasted our money on feeding the parrots. Trying to explain to him that the kids and I also eat these foods didn't help.
I guess I went too far by telling him that I wasn't exactly painting the town red with money on new clothes, new shoes or a new hairdo.

Well he grabbed me by my head and screamed in my face. When he let go, I walked away and stood facing him with my back to the kitchen sink. He then grabbed my shoulders and pushed me hard against the tile counter until I screamed from the pain. He let go and apologized while I sat sobbing on the floor.
He gave me some b.s. story about how he had suffered a mini stroke but didn't want me to worry, so he didn't tell me, and since he was super stressed and I had pushed all the wrong buttons, he had lost control. I just sat there stunned, in pain and grateful that our kids slept through it all.

I've tried to leave before. He hides my keys or physically restrains me. I could move in with my mom but she's a very controlling, a religious fanatic and is also quite mean, although not physically abusive.

I think my only choice (to be able to be on my own) is to pull my kids out of private school so that I can support the 3 of us on my sole income. The home locks can be changed when he's at work. The big thing stopping me is that FINALLY my kids are in a special needs school for ADHD. It's expensive but it's helping them a lot. Unfortunately, the public schools in my area have a lot of gang members, so if I pull the kids out of their school, I prefer to home school them, which my mom is very adamantly against.

I feel torn, hopeless and pretty worthless. My kids, fids and pets are the only ones who bring joy to my life. I feel trapped, embarrassed and stupid. And my back is really hurting.

The locks can be changed, but it's his house too. So doNt do anything that can cause it to backfire on you. You may have to file a report with the police. If you have bruises, document it. Document everything. Talk to legal aid at you local court house, you may be able to get an emergency restraining order. File it with the court, file it with the local police department, serve him, keep one on your car, at home, at work, and in your purse. Then change the locks. And make an extra set of keys for your car, keep them in a safe place. As you begin to take your life back you will feel stronger.

Edited: why is he so angry? Is he angry with himself for his affair? Regardless of the answers, he obviously needs help, and so do you. If you want to get his attention, get a restraining order and remove him from the home. It might be just what he needs to shake him up if he sees 'evidence' of your intent if he won't change. I would spell it out for him in black and white.

MikeyTN · Oct 17, 2013

Wendy made some very good points there!!!! And PLEASE do keep us updated!!! Cause now I'll be checking in on you daily, no one needs to live in a fear like that ever. I've lived in it for years of verbally, mentally, physically abused. It scarred me for life and I do not wish it onto anyone! Please do take care of yourself!

Kinny · Oct 17, 2013

i forgot to add in my post that children don't need to SEE anything to know their mummy is being hurt, and when i was a child it was far more scary hearing what was going on than seeing it. Kids know... And are GREAT fakers at being asleep, so for all anyone knows they couldve heard things going on. And just the hostile unsettled aura that hangs around is so noticeable for kids. Mikey is right, seeing your parent abused in any manner is scarring. I had a crying session just yesterday because of how my life has been affected... All these small things.. And because of my abusive father i have a bit of an issue with authority. Which my poor husband has to deal with as i can very easily become a little hostile towards him if he even says one word which my father used a lot. Trust me, you don't want your kids scarred like that. -hugs again-

Chelle · Oct 17, 2013

I definitely agree... You MUST file a police report and get a restraining order! My Mother still to this day (and I am 40 now) Thinks she is above the law. She can do whatever she wants to whom ever she wants (this is part of the mental state of someone who abuses in my opinion) Believe me if he is abusing you it IS affecting your children... either physically because he abuses them as well when you are not around to take the fall or Mentally because I assure you they do know what is going on!

In my case my Mother had me convinced that this was the way everyone lived but no one talked about it openly. She was mentally abusive, Physically abusive, There were drugs in our house, there were times that she was selling drugs, strange people in and out of the house at all times day and night! I feared what I would find on the other side of the door every day when I returned from school!!!

And did I mention she was the President of the PTA??? Someone who was supposedly being an advocate for the children... No one would have ever guessed what was going on behind our closed doors! And I believed it to be normal because that was what I was told my entire life!!!

Please for the sake of your Children... Do whatever it is that you have to do to get them out and show them what a loving family should be like before it is too late.

I am lucky. I decided there was NO WAY I was going to live that kind of life and have done EVERYTHING the exact opposite of what I learned and saw in my own home. However, I have a brother that is 2 years younger than I am and he turned out just like my Mother!!!

I know it seems as if I am rambling on and on.... But this post has really gotten to me! I always felt abandoned by other family members because they were not strong enough to stand up to my mother. Your Children need you to be STRONG NOW!!!!

I Know you can do it, if you have the courage to post it here on this forum you have taken the first steps towards a wonderful life. One in which you don't feel as if you have to watch over your shoulder at all times because you never know what is coming next.

PRAYERS WILL CONTINUE TO COME YOUR WAY ALL THE WAY FROM NEVADA!!!

***HUGGS AND STRENGTH COMING YOUR WAY***

OMG...I have to leave him

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