Letter to Mother-In-Law : too harsh?

Kinny

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My Mother-in-law called me last night and she started talking about our newborns name we chose.... we get along for the most part. I tolerate her opinions and 'advice', but she is very opinionated and she doesn't just state her opinion.. She tells me/her children/ just about everyone what to do and how to do it, and she's always right.

Here is an amusing example of what happened many months ago:

HER: Cockatiels are the best pet birds for everyone. You should breed THEM.

ME: Cockatiels are lovely little birds i agree! But i prefer my Conures. Conures tend to be a bit more challenging but I prefer that.. Well 'I' prefer Conures.

HER: No. Cockatiels are better.

Mind you shes only ever been around 1 bird in her entire life, a very sweet Cockatiel.


is a letter i just wrote to her, does it come across harsh or is it ok?

"Dear '**' (Mum),

I've been very tolerant lately of the things you have said, and I understand that you are going through a hard time at the moment with your menopause. I am sorry for my comment the other day regarding your menopause and pregnancy (I'm sure you remember), I wasn't thinking.

You have done so much for us and we are very appreciative. However there are some things I personally will not tolerate any longer.

I am very very happy that Chad is a boy and I love him with all that I am just the way he is. His name is and will remain ** 'Chad' ** ** . It is 'him' and I must admit, as odd a name as it is it suits him.

I am very glad we didn't have a girl, because I am no longer fond of the name Belaraine and therefor I would have been under far too much pressure to name her that. I quite like it however as a name for a hand-raised female Eclectus.

Yes I do want ** in his name, but it's not needed. He will always be a Suasua to me, and I can just make him Suar toys etc.

I am not ashamed of his name. Chad may be blunt but it suits him, and in all honesty I actually like it, I'm just not 'over the moon' about it.

I have no doubt he will get teased, as will the other 2. Teasing occurs everywhere to everyone for everything. It's our job and responsibility as parents to prepare them to be able to deal with all the nastiness of the the world. And we will do all we can to the best of our ability to prepare our kids to one day venture out into the world and know how to cope.

Many people in this world are incredibly self-centred, proud and egotistical. Why on earth would I rename my son to avoid the harshness of such people? Why should I worry what others may think? No matter what his name would be, there will always be people to make fun of him and bully.

I will not be forced to go against our wishes as a family because of a fear of bullying/teasing. That would be so selfish of me.. to change his name purely because others may tease him for it only because it is different. I will not live in fear of others thoughts.

(God) wishes our son to have this name, (husband) wishes it, and now so do I.

In my opinion to disrespect a childs name is a form of bullying done behind their back. ** 'Chad' ** ** is his name. If you don't like it that is not my problem, it is yours.

From now on I will not tolerate 'opinions' of this sort. You may state your opinion, but to tell a Mother what to name and/or what not to name her child who has already been named, is in my view very disrespectful, mostly to the child themselves.

I request that you not tell me (or husband) what we should and shouldn't call our son. Nor do I wish to hear our child's name being put down because you may be embarrassed by it.

I apologise if i have offended you or caused you harm of any sort. I must however stand up for our children in every way, shape and form.

-with love, Liana"
 

Selestine

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I think opening the letter by talking about her menopause sounds aggressive and like you're trying to dismiss her.

All in all I think the letter is.. well.. aggressive. I think you could state your point much more simply by just telling her that you've chosen a name and are sticking with it. I think it is fine to tell her that it hurts your feelings when she makes fun of the name, but this is more of a smack-down than a gentle sharing of your hurt and wish for peace with the name.

I am also a little confused by the letter (I'm sure she won't be since she knows the situation) but I can not tell if you are naming your son Chad or Suasua?
 

Sterling1113

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Oh wow- I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your mother in law. Family disagreements are always the worst.
I don't think your letter was harsh, though. Hopefully it opens her eyes.
I also recently had a rather strong disagreement with a family member(grandfather on my dad's side.) I wont get into the details here but just know that I can(somewhat) identify with you. If you ever want to rant or anything feel free to PM me. :)

Best of luck with the mother-in-law.
 

Kiwibird

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I guess I'm really unclear what is wrong with the name "Chad" in the first place. It's a fairly common boys name. I think the letter is respectful, but still makes the point. Personally, I would prefer to address her in a face-to-face conversation or phone call, but if she's more the type to respond to a letter, I think it's a very good one.
 

Terry57

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I think that the letter should be run by your husband first, since it is his mother.
 
OP
Kinny

Kinny

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She was the one who told me she had menopause and wouldn't stop talking about it and i sympathise/d with her, which is why i didn't tell her off over the phone for what she said regarding our son. (she was rather rude about it and was trying to guilt trip me into naming him something SHE wanted to name him.) i think im also angry with her for how shes treating her daughter (who is also my best friend). Her father/her mums ex died in an accident overseas recently and long story short, he did bad things when he was young but started trying very hard to be a good Dad a few years back) so my SIL is obviously traumatised.. And her mum my MIL keeps swearing at her and telling her how horrible she is and disrespectful to be posting things on fb like "I wish my Dad was here..".. My MIL has been horrifically nasty to my SIL lately... I think ive just had enough of tolerating her.


His nickname is Chad (suasua is short for another name i like, just not sharing real names on the net)

Yeah..family troubles aren't fun..
 

Agapornis

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Wow, your MIL sounds like MY mom! She also has very strong ideas and opinions about things. :rolleyes:

Gosh, what's wrong with the name Chad? It's a nice name. I think your letter is pretty good, very respectful and to the point. I agree, you probably shouldn't mention the menopause. :54: OH, and the line where you said, "as odd as the name Chad is, it suits him." I would say, "as odd as it is to YOU, it suits him." because Chad isnt an odd name at all, that is HER perception.

I doubt if she will change her opinionated personality from reading your heartfelt letter, but maybe she'll realize that the name is non-negotiable, and shut up about it. :rolleyes: Good luck!
 
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Kinny

Kinny

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kiwi - she works full time and is always busy and lives in a different state, and when shes on the phone she doesnt listen she just talks over the top... :/

That is a very good point Terry. Thank you

Hows this? Or should i open it with a more appreciative tone?

"I've been very tolerant lately of the things you have said, and I understand that you are going through a hard time at the moment.
"
 
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Kinny

Kinny

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Thank you Agapornis. That sounds better! I changed it to an unaccusing sound though.. ^^ yeah.. I just want it to get through to her that some things just aren't open for negotiation >.>
 

thekarens

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I actually think the letter is fine, but I'd skip the menopause part. I've had experience in that area :)

I agree, I don't get the problem with Chad. I know a few and it's a perfectly nice name.
 

GW.Joe

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I think opening the letter by talking about her menopause sounds aggressive
All in all I think the letter is.. well.. aggressive

VERY aggressive

I think that the letter should be run by your husband first, since it is his mother.

Completely agree, But ask yourself this question, Is the letter going to make your husband feel better about the situation?
I'm sure he knows there is a problem with his mother, and if he feels like me it makes him VERY Sad....

Most couples have a rule about dealing with each other's family:
He has to deal with his family on your behalf, and you have to deal with your family on his behalf

From experience I can tell you that if HE upsets his family they will "forgive" him
On the other hand, anything YOU say to his family will never be forgotten

Really think about is it worth it to "tell her off" ? sure it will make you feel better in the short term, but long term it will do nothing to help you

"Don't burn Your Bridges Behind you"

BTW, from a horoscope point of view what is her Birthday (month and day only)

Joe
 

getwozzy

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I completely agree with Joe-

Having MIL issues myself (lol) I **always** discuss the situation with my husband, and if something needs to be said HE's always the one to do it... If it were my own mother, then I'd have no qualms about telling her exactly how I feel.

IMHO I don't think a letter from you about this is going to solve anything... It's just going to add fuel to the fire, make her feel belittled, and could most likely backfire on you. If anything, next time she says anything (to you directly) just calmly tell her to not say things like that because it's really hurtful and they're not going to make you change things anyways.

Sometimes people don't realize they say hurtful things, but at the same time you can't take everything personally because it will just cause you unnecessary pain and frustration.
 

GW.Joe

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If anything, next time she says anything (to you directly) just calmly tell her to not say things like that because it's really hurtful

Sometimes people don't realize they say hurtful things, but at the same time you can't take everything personally because it will just cause you unnecessary pain and frustration.

Exactly, My mother can be very hurtful, but i know she has problems, Just let it roll off and feel bad for her....

Ask yourself if you should even bother talking to your husband about it
(over the years these kind of things can put a strain on your marriage)

As long as your husband is on board with the babies name what does it matter?

Joe
 

Squirt

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Many people find it perfectly acceptable to say not nice things to mother's who are expecting. They will be critical of names, how you plan to give birth, if you are finding out the sex, if you are going to breastfeed or not, etc. I had a woman at the post office chastise me for finding out the sex of my daughter through and ultrasound. She was nasty and told me I am "taking all the fun out of it." Maybe for her...but it was still fun for me!

I have encountered many people who won't even tell you the names they are considering and I am starting to think it's a great idea if you can keep it to yourself. I can't. LOL. When I was pregnant with my daughter I knew I wanted to name her Violet but was also considering Clara. I told my sister about the name Clara and she made a face and negative comments about it. She ruined the name for me.

People are less likely to make negative comments about the name once the baby is born. I don't know why but it is what it is.

I agree with running it by your husband first. It does come off aggressive. But I don't know this woman and maybe it's what she needs to be put in her place. I would run it by him and possibly an in-law that knows she can be rudely opinionated first.
 

Tosca

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Forget the letter altogether. Next time you have a disagreement just tell her politely that you disagree. The key here is to being polite because you want to keep peace in the family and you have a long life ahead of you. Your other choice is let her talk, but do what you please later. As long as she is living, she will be a part of your lives. She can say whatever she wants, but you do not have to do whatever she says. Your husband should side with you in every way, but he should be the one dealing with her and unpleasant issues. Also, keep in mind she does have wisdom from experience.
 

4dugnlee

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Hmmm...difficult situation! First let me say that Chad is a very nice name, and very common here. Do you think the letter will get through to her, or will it just fuel the fire? I agree that your husband should be involved and probably handle the discussion with his mother, however that said, be prepared to then hear how "you made him talk to her". I think the letter is good, maybe reword the menopause part as others have said. I just don't think it will work to better the situation. If your MIL is so obstinate then I really think no matter what you do or say, YOU will always be in the wrong in her opinion. If it were me, I would probably tell her on the phone or in person that you have something to say and would appreciate her just listening without speaking until your finished. Then I would go on to calmly say that she can say/think what she wants and she can hurt you and you understand that it's just how she is, BUT you will NOT tolerate her hurting YOUR son, CHAD, and that IS his name and WILL remain his name. I would make it short and direct and then move on. You are not going to change her, so to an extent, all you can do is accept that it is just her personality. However, I would NOT tolerate her in any way hurting your son! Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
 

Birdman666

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"Dear '**' (Mum),

I've been very tolerant of the things you have said, and I understand that you are going through a hard time at the moment. I am sorry for my comment the other day (I'm sure you remember), we were both a bundle of raging hormones at the times, and sometimes it causes us both to be less than tactful. I wasn't thinking. I just reacted.

You have done so much for us and we are very appreciative. However, I am a mother, and there are some things I personally will not tolerate as a mother.

To be clear, I am very very happy that Chad is a boy and I love him with all that I am just the way he is. His name is and will remain ** 'Chad' ** ** . It is 'him' and I must admit, as odd a name as it is it suits him. I am very glad we didn't have a girl, because I am no longer fond of the name Belaraine and therefor I would have been under far too much pressure to name her that. I quite like it however as a name for a hand-raised female Eclectus.

Yes, I do want ** in his name, but it's not needed. He will always be a Suasua to me, and I can just make him Suar toys etc. I am not ashamed of his name. Chad may be blunt but it suits him, and in all honesty I actually like it, I'm just not 'over the moon' about it.

I have no doubt he will get teased, as will the other two. Teasing occurs everywhere to everyone for everything. It's our job and responsibility as parents to prepare them to be able to deal with all the nastiness of the the world. And we will do all we can to the best of our ability to prepare our kids to one day venture out into the world and know how to cope.

Many people in this world are incredibly self-centred, proud and egotistical. Why on earth would I rename my son to avoid the harshness of such people? Why should I worry what others may think? No matter what his name would be, there will always be people to make fun of him and bully.

I will not be forced to go against our wishes as a family because of a fear of bullying/teasing. That would be so selfish of me.. to change his name purely because others may tease him for it only because it is different. I will not live in fear of others thoughts.

(God) wishes our son to have this name, (husband) wishes it, and now so do I. He is my son, and my husband and I have already picked a name. Please stop disrespecting my child's (your grandson's) name. ** 'Chad' ** ** is his name. If you don't like it that is not my problem, it is yours. As a mother, I will not tolerate 'opinions' of this sort.

You are entitled to your opinion. You are not entitled to force your opinion on others. To tell a Mother what, and/or what not to name her child who has already been named, is in my view very disrespectful, to your son, to me, but most of all to the child themselves. A line has clearly been crossed here, and I need to make you aware of it.

I request that you not tell me (or husband) what we should and shouldn't call our son. Nor do I wish to hear our child's name being insulted because you feel embarrassed by it.

I apologise if i have offended you or caused you harm of any sort. I must however stand up for our children in every way, shape and form.

-with love, Liana"

I have edited it above. See if you like my changes.

Good luck!
 

Betrisher

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I think the more you justify your decisions to this woman, the more she will think you should justify them. The less said, the better, IMHO. Say nothing to her, just call your child 'Chad'. If she ever mentions disliking your choice in your hearing, simply state 'It's my child and his name is 'Chad'. That's all there is to it.' By writing an extended, complicated letter, you simply send her ammo to come back at you. Put nothing in writing. That's my take on the matter.
 

Dopey

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If you can...let it go.

When I was told my frist grandson's name I was shocked. I don't remember what I said. My daughter had been in labor for over 24 hours and it was after 11 pm and I was tired. I don't even remember telling them congratulations. When I told my dad and mom his name - my dad took a long breath and said "Well, that's quite a name he's going to have to grow in to." I knew then that he was thinking the same thing I was. Now (7 1/2 years later), no other name fits him and well...my other daughter married a man with the same name.

Please try to just let it go. She may never say anything about him to his face on in front of you again. And take it from this MIL and grandma we just say stuipd things. The older we get the more open we are about what we think and we expect family to be more forgiving and laugh with us. :rolleyes:

Chad is a wonderful name.
 

Dinosrawr

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I'm with the idea of not even bothering with a letter. I personally find them very passive-aggressive, and I can't say there's ever been a time that they've worked in anyone's favor.

I can only imagine how frustrating it is to deal with that, though. All of the male names that I adore my mother hates, but I could care less. I mean, I HATED my name as a child (I mean, why couldn't I be named Crystal or Candy or Rose?!), but she loved it. And I've come to appreciate my name and its spelling because I rarely meet anyone with it.

This is your child, and no one can tell you what is right or wrong regarding raising him, let alone naming him. Giving your MIL the fisty-cuffs via letter is inviting her to do more, in my opinion. She sounds very... closed to the world and to other people's thoughts. It's very rare you can change the opinion of someone like that.

And I also think Chad is a wonderful name. Reminds me of Chadwick, a character of one of my favorite novels :)
 

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