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Poicephalus Senegals, Meyers, Red Bellied, Jardines, Capes, etc.

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Old 10-09-2019, 11:14 AM
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Unhappy Between a rock and a hard place

I’m embarrassed to ask, and before you have a go at me: I feel extremely guilty for even asking this question.

After 3 years trying to mend the relation between my parrot and my wife, and finally succeeding (documented elsewhere on this forum) I have been informed last week that ... my marriage is over.

This means I’ll have to move, to a smaller place, rent.. (may or may not accept pets).

Oscar is a 6 year old Senegal, and a wonderful friend. We have a deep bond, and he is happy. He already lost one of his pals 2 years ago (our choc lab) and, today, our last cat, Benjamin. Our remaining lab is 14 and heading for the exit too, so another loss for him (and me) will happen soon.

He will also lose my wife’s company.

And now I wonder if ... I need to give him a new chance/life, or not, and it’s destroying my soul. My wife will not have the time for him; she works long hours, has to travel a lot for work, and although their relation is now “better”, it is nowhere near strong enough.

I on the other hand will live alone, will have to work again, so he’d be alone in his cage, without his plethora of pets, for long periods of time per day. Parrots handle this very poorly, as you know. He does not mind to spend a few hours alone, but every day...

A loving family with kids & dogs & noise would be a lot better for him. Do not get me wrong: I love him to bits. It’s mutual. But how unfair would this new situation be to him?

I assure you this is not a troll post. I am numb right now, with a heart in a 1000 pieces. I am trying to do the right thing for him, but any which way I look at it, it blows.

My gut feeling (and I assume my wife’s too) would be that I keep him/take him with me. But is that even fair to the little guy?

What would you do? Give it a try and see how he fares? Start looking for a family and hope he’ll forget me? Any option I just fail to see?

Please do not think about what is best for me; think what would be best for him.
I just don’t see clearly right now, and I’m in a lot of pain. Losing him too would be a nightmare. But nevertheless he deserves the best possible solution.

Can they forget/start over?

Help, please. I have a few months to take a decision, but at some point I’ll need to bite this bullet. I will carefully read & consider any and all advice or thoughts.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
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Old 10-09-2019, 11:32 AM
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Re: Between a rock and a hard place

I truly believe the best thing for Oscar is for him to stay with his loving Parront even if it IS just you and he. When parrots get re-homed, it far too often ends poorly for the bird. Even if he's alone in his cage for 8-10 hours per day, 5 days per week, he'll have you around on evenings and mornings and weekends. Moreover, having gone through a divorce myself, I have no doubt that Oscar would be very very good for YOU to have in your life, during these dark times.

I think you both need each other now, more than ever.
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Old 10-09-2019, 12:22 PM
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Re: Between a rock and a hard place

Work it however you can that you two stay together. He needs you, and you him.
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Old 10-09-2019, 12:26 PM
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Re: Between a rock and a hard place

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. (I mean that)

Although I really would love more opinions, you touch on something fundamental I fear about rehoming - even in the best of all possible worlds.

Parrots are not dogs, and they are not cats. Oscar and I share hundreds of little routines, games, call-response interactions, rituals, words, jokes, laughs... He knows how long I’ll be gone, because I tell him and through some miracle he understands. So he says “See you later!” when I even just put on my shoes. He sulks when I’m late. It goes so deep people think I’m crazy when I talk about him. We do whisper games. Or shouting games. He sometimes tries to make me mad and then tells himself off before I can react (“OSCAR NO!!!!” imitating my voice...)

He is cat like in that he starts grinding when I talk softly to him. Almost like purring. Eyes fluttering...

Putting him to sleep is a 5 minute highly scripted affair...

He knows when we cook spaghetti (how on earth????) and calls it “spaggy spaggy!”. He loves green grapes and hates blue ones.

He alerts us when he sees strange cats in the garden (but never when it was one of ours...)

All that would be gone for the both of us... I’d need to write a 100 page manual for the new owners. And even then... he may just not accept losing me too.

He would not prevent me from travelling as he loves being in the car... And maybe I can work from home a few days per week.

Could that be “enough”?

Just thinking out loud.
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Old 10-09-2019, 12:54 PM
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Re: Between a rock and a hard place

Yes. It can be enough. You can make it work. I'm so sorry for what you are going thru now. I hope you are able to find the light at the end of this tunnel.
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Old 10-09-2019, 01:01 PM
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Re: Between a rock and a hard place

I'd say it's more than enough. Certainly it's more than most parrots have.

Besides, these dark times will pass. Perhaps in a few years you will be in a new relationship with a new job, at home more often, with others in the house who share your love for Oscar... Things change, life goes through ups and down. Oscar will be alive for a long time, even a couple of years is really not much in the long run.
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Old 10-09-2019, 01:36 PM
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Re: Between a rock and a hard place

I'm sorry you are going through this turmoil.
I had a reset moment years ago. I had given up a lot and compromised a ton. When the relationship ended, I decided to pursue my dream job, dream location to live. It took a few years to accomplish, but I couldn't be more thrilled with the direction my life took after that detour! It's the perfect time to reinvent yourself, when you are no longer the reflection in someone else's eyes.

As for your parrot...I'm home nearly 24/7 and I love on them , feed the yummies. And yet I even worry it's not enough, like I feel they need an outdoor avairy , like I should spend more time training tricks, making forage stuff....what I'm saying is for our fids we feel like it's never enough!

No life is static, change happens. Your baby might love being the center of your world.

If you had to re-home, and you carefully choose his new psrronts. Yes it can work out l as well, he would learn new rituals, and new things. I worked in conservation, and parrots can loose a mate and bond with a new one, there are also examples of established pairs that have been together for decades calling it quits, and finding new mates. There are near enough studies done on wild parrots, or enough long-term ones done.
I worked with some endanger cranes that live 70 years and pair bond for life, well we had to move in a young pair temporary with a pair that had been together 40 years, they ended up swapping mates!!!!! The old pair hadn't had chicks, but we fostered double clutch chicks with them that raised. Well low and behold the new pair the old female young male did have chicks...
Ok I rambled...
It'll work out. It's going to be uncomfortable , weird, different as you go through such lfe changes... But I'm hoping you find as much joy starting over ac I did
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Old 10-09-2019, 01:43 PM
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Re: Between a rock and a hard place

I have to agree with what Laurasea says... There were two huge catastrophes I have had to deal with in my adult life, one was my divorce, the other was when my husband (the new one, the forever one ) and I both lost our jobs in the same month. In both times I was devastated and terrified. It was difficult to have any hope. However, both of these events resulted in the best things in my life coming to be. If I hadn't gotten the divorce, I would never have met my current husband, my best friend and soulmate. If I hadn't lost my job, I would never have changed careers and therefor be where I am now, in a job I love that I get to work from home.

Sometimes the worst events lead to the greatest outcomes. Grieve, but do not despair.
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Old 10-09-2019, 04:28 PM
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Re: Between a rock and a hard place

Please keep him. I think it will be best for BOTH of you. These days everyone I know is divorced at least once, including me. He will give you solace and center in ths time of upheaval, and you will do the same for him. Alone time for parrots can be improved by providing a variety of in cage chew toys, and lots of parrots respond well to videos shown on flat screen TVs ( not tube type), YouTube is a great entertainer.

Good luck and please feel free to post about anything that makes you feel better!
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Old 10-09-2019, 05:11 PM
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Re: Between a rock and a hard place

I’m with everyone else - you two will both be better together. Is it perfect that you have to work - no, but many of us work outside the home and have found ways to manage it. Is it different - yes, but that doesn’t mean “worse”. You’ll both adjust, and you’ll both find ways to make it work and you’ll adjust together. And know that we’ll be here to help, support and provide ideas if you run into bumps in the new road .
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