I can't stop blaming myself

[Oli]

Sunday after eight years she's gone. Vet warned us to expect half lifespan for a GCC due to inbred/congenital heart issues. Didn't even get that. Normal day. Grooming day. I stopped doing it myself so that she would go through less stress and it may be "faster" for her. I really thought it would be better for her. Same bird groomer as always, macleod parrot sanctuary. Passed so quickly and instantly during them filing her nails. Shoved her in my arms and said start doing CPR and go to the vet hospital now. I said I can't hear her (usually extremely loud) heart. They said it's fine she's probably okay. It was too late but I did CPR on my bird the whole drive and cried. Just gone like it was nothing. Her eyes were wrong. She was just a baby. I should have known better. It's my fault for taking her there. I should have known better. I knew an elderly bird that passed the day after a groom once. I should have known. My baby is gone. I hate myself. Everything hurts. I don't know who I am without her. I didn't get a necropsy and maybe I should have. If they cut her open and said they found nothing or that it was something preventable that I should have noticed I couldn't take it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. If I had her at the vet groomed maybe they'd save her. I'm so lazy. I'm so disgusting. I want my child back.

 

[LaManuka]

Oh @Oli, what an unimaginably awful thing to happen! I am truly heartbroken for you and your baby girl - I gather from your profile her name is Juliet? Please forgive me if I am wrong about that.🙏 How utterly devastating, and I am devastated for you! There are no words that I could possibly say that will lessen your pain but you are NOT disgusting, and please don't hate yourself for this, I do know that's probably impossible right now because I've hated myself for losing babies too. Loss like this is so very cruel, but one thing I do know for sure is that they do not blame us, Juliet loved you and always will and she does not want you to hate yourself! I thank goodness that you're here, among people who understand how very deeply this hurts, and I am sending every prayer and every bit of comfort that I can to you, you have my every sympathy and my most sincere condolences. You will see your girl again and she will greet you with nothing but joy and love - I have faith that that will happen for all of us who have been blessed to have loved and been loved by these feathered miracles.

Godspeed to the Rainbow Bridge, precious Juliet, until we all meet again 🙏 🌈

 

[Oli]

Oh @Oli, what an unimaginably awful thing to happen! I am truly heartbroken for you and your baby girl - I gather from your profile her name is Juliet? Please forgive me if I am wrong about that.🙏 How utterly devastating, and I am devastated for you! There are no words that I could possibly say that will lessen your pain but you are NOT disgusting, and please don't hate yourself for this, I do know that's probably impossible right now because I've hated myself for losing babies too. Loss like this is so very cruel, but one thing I do know for sure is that they do not blame us, Juliet loved you and always will and she does not want you to hate yourself! I thank goodness that you're here, among people who understand how very deeply this hurts, and I am sending every prayer and every bit of comfort that I can to you, you have my every sympathy and my most sincere condolences. You will see your girl again and she will greet you with nothing but joy and love - I have faith that that will happen for all of us who have been blessed to have loved and been loved by these feathered miracles.

Godspeed to the Rainbow Bridge, precious Juliet, until we all meet again 🙏 🌈

Thank you. My Juliet. I knew you all would understand the way that I feel. I'm sorry that you do, but thank you.

 

[foxgloveparrot]

Please listen to me when I say this.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure she loved you SO much.

I know that nothing I say can ease your pain. I wish it could. I wish I could find the perfect words that would make it all better. I'm so, so sorry that I can't.

It's fine to grieve. If nothing helps you in the moment, that's ok. If you want to cut everyone off and disappear into your own little world, that's ok. Just try your best to eat, drink water, and sleep, and I would be so damned proud of you. And in time, you might start to feel better.

I don't know you. I don't understand what you're feeling right now. I just know that I care. So much.

Try not to beat yourself up. Easier said than done, I know - but please try. For me. And for her. And for all your friends here on the forums.

Remember that your baby girl loves you so much.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Oli]

Please listen to me when I say this.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure she loved you SO much.

I know that nothing I say can ease your pain. I wish it could. I wish I could find the perfect words that would make it all better. I'm so, so sorry that I can't.

It's fine to grieve. If nothing helps you in the moment, that's ok. If you want to cut everyone off and disappear into your own little world, that's ok. Just try your best to eat, drink water, and sleep, and I would be so damned proud of you. And in time, you might start to feel better.

I don't know you. I don't understand what you're feeling right now. I just know that I care. So much.

Try not to beat yourself up. Easier said than done, I know - but please try. For me. And for her. And for all your friends here on the forums.

Remember that your baby girl loves you so much.

Thanks for reading.

Thank you so much.

 

[texsize]

I am very sorry for your loss.
I know how small those words are.

I think I can speak for everyone here that has lost a beloved feathered friend.

I have been through the self blame with just about every bird I have lost.

Plumas died after I performed a slight beak grinding. Not immediately but a few weeks later.
Pacho died from eating her rope perch. I should have noticed sooner.

We all have had these would have/should have thoughts.
Try not to let them eat you up .
remember all the good times and know that your little buddy knew he was loved.

 

[DonnaBudgie]

Sunday after eight years she's gone. Vet warned us to expect half lifespan for a GCC due to inbred/congenital heart issues. Didn't even get that. Normal day. Grooming day. I stopped doing it myself so that she would go through less stress and it may be "faster" for her. I really thought it would be better for her. Same bird groomer as always, macleod parrot sanctuary. Passed so quickly and instantly during them filing her nails. Shoved her in my arms and said start doing CPR and go to the vet hospital now. I said I can't hear her (usually extremely loud) heart. They said it's fine she's probably okay. It was too late but I did CPR on my bird the whole drive and cried. Just gone like it was nothing. Her eyes were wrong. She was just a baby. I should have known better. It's my fault for taking her there. I should have known better. I knew an elderly bird that passed the day after a groom once. I should have known. My baby is gone. I hate myself. Everything hurts. I don't know who I am without her. I didn't get a necropsy and maybe I should have. If they cut her open and said they found nothing or that it was something preventable that I should have noticed I couldn't take it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. If I had her at the vet groomed maybe they'd save her. I'm so lazy. I'm so disgusting. I want my child back.

I'm so sorry and I feel your pain because it happened to me too. I brought my BFF budgie, Buddy, to have a routine beak and nails trim at a good independent bird store where I had gotten him a few years before and had brought him in for trims in the past. I was watching the procedure standing next to the person as he held Buddy and did the trims when suddenly Buddy appeared to go limp. I told him to let go and he did and Buddy was dead! I went hysterical crying and screaming "you killed my bird!" The store instantly emptied out. They offered me a replacement bird but I refused and left with Buddy's empty cage. I didn't even take his body I was so distraught. It took me three years to take them up on their offer for another budgie. So I REALLY DO FEEL YOUR PAIN! I, too, blamed myself. You will feel better, I promise, and you should not blame yourself (but I did too), but you will slowly feel better. For now, let yourself cry and grieve.

 

[wrench13]

I, along with the whole Moderator staff, offer our condolences on your baby's passing. We've all said some very sage things to you about your loss, but nothing is going to assuage your feelings for her. I think most of us have experienced this loss, I know I have. My last parrot, Max, was fine one day, perfectly normal, and then he just .......... went away. No warning, no inclination of sickness, just gone.
I still feel horrible about losing him, with the same thoughts you have, about what could I have done better, different, smarter - anything. There is no point in beating yourself up. What makes me feel better is remembering all the fun stuff we did with him, his off little quirks, calls and mischiefs.

Also, you should know that I make a twice yearly donation to the Cornell University Vet program, directed to be used exclusively for parrot related studies and programs, in the name of Parrot Forums and I list each and every one of our feather babies on here who have crossed the rainbow bridge in the period. Rest assure that Juliet's name will be in the next donation.

 

[YUMgrinder]

Sunday after eight years she's gone. Vet warned us to expect half lifespan for a GCC due to inbred/congenital heart issues. Didn't even get that. Normal day. Grooming day. I stopped doing it myself so that she would go through less stress and it may be "faster" for her. I really thought it would be better for her. Same bird groomer as always, macleod parrot sanctuary. Passed so quickly and instantly during them filing her nails. Shoved her in my arms and said start doing CPR and go to the vet hospital now. I said I can't hear her (usually extremely loud) heart. They said it's fine she's probably okay. It was too late but I did CPR on my bird the whole drive and cried. Just gone like it was nothing. Her eyes were wrong. She was just a baby. I should have known better. It's my fault for taking her there. I should have known better. I knew an elderly bird that passed the day after a groom once. I should have known. My baby is gone. I hate myself. Everything hurts. I don't know who I am without her. I didn't get a necropsy and maybe I should have. If they cut her open and said they found nothing or that it was something preventable that I should have noticed I couldn't take it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. If I had her at the vet groomed maybe they'd save her. I'm so lazy. I'm so disgusting. I want my child back.

I'm so sorry! But you can't blame yourself! She may have died at home in the same fashion! I had an experience like this, I took my sick nanday to the vet to get blood work done. She was weak and I wish I would have just let her stay home that day. She died while the vet took blood. I blamed myself for a long time. How scared she must have been, right? But there's no way to know it was gonna happen that day out of all days and just know you gave your beloved pet a great life.

 

[Oli]

I want to thank you all for your thoughtful and beautiful replies. I made my post in a fit of grief, not knowing where else to turn in that moment. While on one hand, I understand why some of you have said that words are only words, it is also humbling & clement to see so much shared loss. Every comment, word, thought, and prayer sent my way is felt deeply in my heart as from a collective that truly understands what it means to love a bird. To those that understand too well, I offer my condolences for your losses.

Juliet saved my life, genuinely. I was a pretty troubled teen and my poor dad didn't know where else to turn to keep me alive; he knew I needed an anchor of responsibility. When he rescued her & gifted her to me, everything changed quickly. I went from a child that only thought of my own pain to someone who learned how to care for someone else unconditionally. We've been Velcro since - stores, my college classes, trips, and everywhere possible. I learned what it meant to live and love for something regardless of what I would receive in return. She saw me through high school, through college, and almost to my wedding - I'll be 25 soon. I didn't know who I was then, and I don't know who I am now without her, but I guess I'll have to figure it out.

Thank you again from my heart to all who have sent me their kindness and any who may continue to. This is a truly unique community.

 

[Oli]

I am very sorry for your loss.
I know how small those words are.

I think I can speak for everyone here that has lost a beloved feathered friend.

I have been through the self blame with just about every bird I have lost.

Plumas died after I performed a slight beak grinding. Not immediately but a few weeks later.
Pacho died from eating her rope perch. I should have noticed sooner.

We all have had these would have/should have thoughts.
Try not to let them eat you up .
remember all the good times and know that your little buddy knew he was loved.

My condolences for your losses, and thank you for your words. I will do my best.

 

[Oli]

I'm so sorry and I feel your pain because it happened to me too. I brought my BFF budgie, Buddy, to have a routine beak and nails trim at a good independent bird store where I had gotten him a few years before and had brought him in for trims in the past. I was watching the procedure standing next to the person as he held Buddy and did the trims when suddenly Buddy appeared to go limp. I told him to let go and he did and Buddy was dead! I went hysterical crying and screaming "you killed my bird!" The store instantly emptied out. They offered me a replacement bird but I refused and left with Buddy's empty cage. I didn't even take his body I was so distraught. It took me three years to take them up on their offer for another budgie. So I REALLY DO FEEL YOUR PAIN! I, too, blamed myself. You will feel better, I promise, and you should not blame yourself (but I did too), but you will slowly feel better. For now, let yourself cry and grieve.

I unfortunately said the same things as you. I think I must have traumatized a poor girl. I called back later to apologize, but I still have intrusive thoughts where I want to blame them - which is unfair of course. My fiance could see she was held properly and breathing. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Oli]

I, along with the whole Moderator staff, offer our condolences on your baby's passing. We've all said some very sage things to you about your loss, but nothing is going to assuage your feelings for her. I think most of us have experienced this loss, I know I have. My last parrot, Max, was fine one day, perfectly normal, and then he just .......... went away. No warning, no inclination of sickness, just gone.
I still feel horrible about losing him, with the same thoughts you have, about what could I have done better, different, smarter - anything. There is no point in beating yourself up. What makes me feel better is remembering all the fun stuff we did with him, his off little quirks, calls and mischiefs.

Also, you should know that I make a twice yearly donation to the Cornell University Vet program, directed to be used exclusively for parrot related studies and programs, in the name of Parrot Forums and I list each and every one of our feather babies on here who have crossed the rainbow bridge in the period. Rest assure that Juliet's name will be in the next donation.

I mean this in a way of bittersweetness - this comment hit me hard. Thank you for your words and beautiful gesture. I have marked my calendar and plan to join you in donating in solidarity. There is so, so much we don't know medically about our parrots. I am a scientist by trade, and in my grief have only found a handful of papers on congenital heart disease in companion parrots - none of which are focused on small breeds.

As with others, I offer my condolences for your loss as well. I will do my best to remember the good times, of which there are many.

 

[DonnaBudgie]

I unfortunately said the same things as you. I think I must have traumatized a poor girl. I called back later to apologize, but I still have intrusive thoughts where I want to blame them - which is unfair of course. My fiance could see she was held properly and breathing. I'm sorry for your loss.

A CAV told me that parrots that need beak and nails trims despite having plenty of things in their cages to chew on and wear down their nails often have undiagnosed metabolic disorders or liver diseases that lead to their early and often sudden deaths. The trigger can be being held, even correctly, for a trim job.
I don't expect this to make you feel any less grief, but understanding this may make you blame yourself less.

 

[DonnaBudgie]

A CAV told me that parrots that need beak and nails trims despite having plenty of things in their cages to chew on and wear down their nails often have undiagnosed metabolic disorders or liver diseases that lead to their early and often sudden deaths. The trigger can be being held, even correctly, for a trim job.
I don't expect this to make you feel any less grief, but understanding this may make you blame yourself less.

I don't know what I've done on my phone to make this type so big. Help me moderators!

 

[kme3388]

I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. Nail, and beak trims from what I’ve gathered can be dangerous. I know you said your parrot also had other medical issues. Parrots have to be held a certain way to put some of the vibrations through “our” hands to take away from so much vibration going through the beak/head. Especially in smaller parrots. When my vet trimmed my conures beak she did it very quickly, and minimal was taken off. I learned that day that I can tuck the top beak into the bottom beak in most parrots to trim the lower beak. Nails are another thing that can be dangerous due to cutting into the quick, and it not being properly clotted. Infections can follow. There’s a lot to beak, and nail trims. Not to mention the amount of stress that it can cause parrots. I heard some horror stories from the shelter I volunteered at. They had a volunteer who said they knew how to trim beaks. They said they had a lot of experience doing it. 4-5 of the smaller parrots died after their beak trim. I wasn’t there but I always wondered if they trimmed into the maxilla where there is flesh. I figured there would be a mess if that were the case, and no mess was mentioned. Parrots are so fragile!

Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you were a great parrot parent. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

 

[DonnaBudgie]

I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. Nail, and beak trims from what I’ve gathered can be dangerous. I know you said your parrot also had other medical issues. Parrots have to be held a certain way to put some of the vibrations through “our” hands to take away from so much vibration going through the beak/head. Especially in smaller parrots. When my vet trimmed my conures beak she did it very quickly, and minimal was taken off. I learned that day that I can tuck the top beak into the bottom beak in most parrots to trim the lower beak. Nails are another thing that can be dangerous due to cutting into the quick, and it not being properly clotted. Infections can follow. There’s a lot to beak, and nail trims. Not to mention the amount of stress that it can cause parrots. I heard some horror stories from the shelter I volunteered at. They had a volunteer who said they knew how to trim beaks. They said they had a lot of experience doing it. 4-5 of the smaller parrots died after their beak trim. I wasn’t there but I always wondered if they trimmed into the maxilla where there is flesh. I figured there would be a mess if that were the case, and no mess was mentioned. Parrots are so fragile!

Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you were a great parrot parent. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

I have a female Budgie right now (Pickle) that has a beak overgrowth problem despite having lots of wood and stuff to chew. She had a beak trim a couple months ago and already needs another. None of my other seven budgies has this problem. Vet says it's probably a liver or other metabolic problem we can't do anything about. Very unpleasant because she's not tame so I need to stress her by catching her and taking her to the vet. Poor Pickle. She's such a good little bird and I hate to upset her but I need to take her to the vet again next week.

 

[kme3388]

I have a female Budgie right now (Pickle) that has a beak overgrowth problem despite having lots of wood and stuff to chew. She had a beak trim a couple months ago and already needs another. None of my other seven budgies has this problem. Vet says it's probably a liver or other metabolic problem we can't do anything about. Very unpleasant because she's not tame so I need to stress her by catching her and taking her to the vet. Poor Pickle. She's such a good little bird and I hate to upset her but I need to take her to the vet again next week.

Nico has quite a few medical issues. His beak, and nails need trimmed probably every 2-3 months. He had an undesirable diet for 16 years. I don’t think anyone meant to hurt him. I volunteered at the shelter he came from. The person who runs the shelter is an amazing lady. She deeply cares about every parrot that is there. She is at the shelter every single day. She does the best she can with the resources, and funding she has. Nico is just a one off parrot that has some dietary needs that are perplexing. By changing Nico’s diet he no longer toe taps, or wing flips. He does still grow out his beak, and nails quick. Once the damage to a liver is there nothing truly just gets rid of it. Nico, and his vet just manage his medical issues to the best of their ability. He also doesn’t play with toys like your budgie, and has no interest in them. I’ve tried sticking treats in them, and I’ve tried playing with them in front of him… he just looks at me like I’m the dumbest human he’s ever came across 😂😂😂

 

[Oli]

I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. Nail, and beak trims from what I’ve gathered can be dangerous. I know you said your parrot also had other medical issues. Parrots have to be held a certain way to put some of the vibrations through “our” hands to take away from so much vibration going through the beak/head. Especially in smaller parrots. When my vet trimmed my conures beak she did it very quickly, and minimal was taken off. I learned that day that I can tuck the top beak into the bottom beak in most parrots to trim the lower beak. Nails are another thing that can be dangerous due to cutting into the quick, and it not being properly clotted. Infections can follow. There’s a lot to beak, and nail trims. Not to mention the amount of stress that it can cause parrots. I heard some horror stories from the shelter I volunteered at. They had a volunteer who said they knew how to trim beaks. They said they had a lot of experience doing it. 4-5 of the smaller parrots died after their beak trim. I wasn’t there but I always wondered if they trimmed into the maxilla where there is flesh. I figured there would be a mess if that were the case, and no mess was mentioned. Parrots are so fragile!

Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you were a great parrot parent. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

I honestly thought they would do better for her nails than I could as I always take so, so long and she comes away from it really stressed. So I figured, the less time she is under stress and being toweled the better. I've only been able to get through the grieving process by finally accepting it as an accident (her bad heart giving out), so I really truly hope nothing happened that was preventable...

 

[kme3388]

I honestly thought they would do better for her nails than I could as I always take so, so long and she comes away from it really stressed. So I figured, the less time she is under stress and being toweled the better. I've only been able to get through the grieving process by finally accepting it as an accident (her bad heart giving out), so I really truly hope nothing happened that was preventable...

I can’t even imagine how you felt as things unfolded right in front of you. Every parrot has individual personalities, and they really do bond with their owners. They are always excited to see you. They know your routines. I agree with you about always feeling more comfortable bringing parrots to someone who does do the nails, and beaks often. What takes a vet seconds would take me minutes. Accidents do truly happen. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.

PS I don’t like toweling my parrots. I’ve only had to with my conures on a few occasions. One time I was moving, and my conure would not come out of her cage. I had to be out of there in 30 minutes for the new owners to come in. I had to reach in there with a towel, and grab her. She didn’t come out of her cage after that for a few days. When she did come out she was very hesitant, and would only come out a few inches at a time. She usually just comes out quickly. I felt awful!