I was cuddling with my snuggly Sun Conure when my medication knocked me out and I crushed him in my sleep. I am beyond devastated

Sakered

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Jan 31, 2022
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Green cheek conure
I am new to this site and found it out of despair.

A few years ago, I bought a few-weeks old Sun Conure from a local breeder and brought it home, excited as could be. I noticed pretty quickly that he (or she, was never DNA tested) loved being kissed and nuzzled and I could not get enough of rubbing my nose against his softness. Being somewhat of a loner, I kissed Peachy hundreds of times a day over the next 4-5 years and we bonded like a mother-child would.

Peachy never bit me one single time ever. I could kiss his beak and not have the slightest fear of him biting me. That’s how sweet his disposition was. Eventually I bought him a friend (a green cheek conure who does nothing but bite!) and was able to house them together for years. The three of us were a little family. I loved to shop for toys and food, and cook for Peachy and Greenbird, play with them, spray them with warm water, and play music and dance with them. Peachy learned how to do the kissing sound so when I would put my face next to his he would kiss me automatically everytime.

Eventually, Peachy started diving down into my shirt and we had “snugs” where I would lie down on my bed hovering over him while repeatedly kissing him. He would kiss me back then start chewing through my shirt and bedsheets to get a beak workout. He would fluff up and I would nuzzle him and be in absolute heaven. This became a daily occurrence - once in the morning and once in the mid-afternoon before I put them to bed.

Last Thursday night I took my prescription medication in a higher dose than usual because I was feeling very depressed about something. It knocked me out cold. I don’t even remember having a “snug” with Peachy, but at 10pm, I woke up suddenly and felt him in my shirt. I knew before I saw. But what I saw will stay with me for life. I had crushed his body to death and immediately started screaming “no, no, no, no” and called my parents who came to my apt to get me and Peachy’s lifeless body.

I have not been able to stop hysterically crying since. I am so beyond devastated that I don’t know how I will ever get over any of this. I feel like I lost my baby (remember - I have been a loner, not married no kids). Raising Peachy since he was a few weeks old truly made me feel like his mother (though I am male). My heart is beyond shattered.

I immediately told my landlord that I needed to move out (since I could not face living at the crime scene for one more day). I am now in the process of temporarily moving back in with my parents while I figure out my next move and grieve. It’s only been three days and I am extremely broken. I can’t bring myself to look at the hundreds of photos or videos that I have of Peachy yet. We buried him in a metal box wrapped in his favorite tee shirt of mine, and placed the box in one of the large flowerpots on my parents balcony.

I am so beyond devastated I don’t know where to turn. Although my life will hopefully now undergo some very serious and needed positive changes, it will come at the most expensive price imaginable. No money or anything else could ever replace Peachy. I hope time heals all wounds as they say but I fear this pain will be with me for the rest of my days. I wish I could get the last image out of my head it is so unbelievably horrible…

Has anyone gone through anything like this? What helped you? Grief counselors? Forums? Eventually finding another baby Sun Conure? How do I even start the journey of mending my completely shattered heart?
 

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LaManuka

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Welcome to the forums, Sakered, but I am so very sorry for the awful circumstances that brought you here.

So very many of us (myself included) have lost, or almost lost, beloved feather babies in tragic accidents such as this, so for better or worse we know how you feel. I'm so glad you found us though, because I honestly think that just being part of a community like this helps a lot at times like this too. Just to know that there are other people who care and who love their birds as much as we do, many of whom have suffered similar loss and know how it feels when tragic things like this happen and can empathise with us is so comforting and can be enormously helpful in healing. Sadly I am one of those recently bereaved "parronts" too, and I can assure you from personal experience that being part of a community like this, full of people who "get it", will be an enormous source of support for you as well.

Although I have never used a grief counsellor myself, I do believe that some vet clinics may have information as to the availability of pet-centred counselling services that they may be associated with, so it may be well worth your while seeking out a service like that too.

The grief that you are suffering, that I am suffering too, is equal in measure to how much we love them, and it is to be expected that this would hit you doubly hard due to the shock of Peachy's loss being caused by such a terrible accident. I think regardless of the circumstances of the loss, we all blame ourselves - it just seems to be easier that way. You never intended this to happen, and Peachy knows that and it is clear how very much you treasured him and loved him. Every pet birdie deserves to be so beloved - you gave Peachy a wonderful life full of love, and I hope that one day his memory will bring you more smiles than it does tears. From personal experience I know very how hard this is, but I also know that you will get there. It may take time, but you will, because that's what Peachy would want for you.

Godspeed to the Rainbow Bridge, and fly straight and true on your bright wings, beautiful Peachy, until we all meet again 🙏❤️
 
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Sakered

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Welcome to the forums, Sakered, but I am so very sorry for the awful circumstances that brought you here.

So very many of us (myself included) have lost, or almost lost, beloved feather babies in tragic accidents such as this, so for better or worse we know how you feel. I'm so glad you found us though, because I honestly think that just being part of a community like this helps a lot at times like this too. Just to know that there are other people who care and who love their birds as much as we do, many of whom have suffered similar loss and know how it feels when tragic things like this happen and can empathise with us is so comforting and can be enormously helpful in healing. Sadly I am one of those recently bereaved "parronts" too, and I can assure you from personal experience that being part of a community like this, full of people who "get it", will be an enormous source of support for you as well.

Although I have never used a grief counsellor myself, I do believe that some vet clinics may have information as to the availability of pet-centred counselling services that they may be associated with, so it may be well worth your while seeking out a service like that too.

The grief that you are suffering, that I am suffering too, is equal in measure to how much we love them, and it is to be expected that this would hit you doubly hard due to the shock of Peachy's loss being caused by such a terrible accident. I think regardless of the circumstances of the loss, we all blame ourselves - it just seems to be easier that way. You never intended this to happen, and Peachy knows that and it is clear how very much you treasured him and loved him. Every pet birdie deserves to be so beloved - you gave Peachy a wonderful life full of love, and I hope that one day his memory will bring you more smiles than it does tears. From personal experience I know very how hard this is, but I also know that you will get there. It may take time, but you will, because that's what Peachy would want for you.

Godspeed to the Rainbow Bridge, and fly straight and true on your bright wings, beautiful Peachy, until we all meet again 🙏❤️
Thank you for your beautiful response LaManuka and I am so sorry to hear of your loss and pain as well. You definitely seem to “get it” whereas some other people were questioning whether I needed to be hospitalized for crying so much. Life can certainly shake you up and dump you upside down if and whenever it wants to, and the unexpected nature of it makes us all susceptible to pain. And I agree with you that our pain is equal to the love we felt. I know this to be true because I loved Peachy so deeply and I hurt so deeply there are no words. You are so comforting in your words that hopefully I can sleep a little tonight. So thanks for that and for what you are doing for people on here. You seem like an angel
 

LaManuka

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You seem like an angel
Oh Sakered, thank you, you're very kind. I can assure you however that I'm anything but! ;)And thank you for your words of condolence too. I do understand your infinite and desperate sadness though. But as I said to another member here just the other day, as badly as this hurts, if someone came up to me and said that with some magic words that they could take away this pain but that it would mean never having had my feather babies in my life and never having known and loved them, I would tell them to get lost. The tears that we shed for them stand as a testament to how very deeply we love them and to the powerful bonds that we share with them. I'm so very sorry that it ended this way, with so much pain and anguish for you. But oh my, what a blessed life Peachy had to have been loved the way you loved him 🙏
 

T00tsyd

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May 8, 2017
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Green cheek conure - Sydney (Syd) Hatched 2/2017
People say that time heals. I'm not so sure. Where a love is deep as yours is I think we simply learn to live with the pain. My advice is perhaps not to look too far forward. Take each day, each hour even each moment one at a time and then the big one - stop blaming yourself. You say meds knocked you out, you didn't plan it, but it is the worst kind of accident and be prepared to take time to accept that recognition. Your little one is flying free now and happy, try to keep that picture in your heart as you take little slow steps to recover. God bless you.
 

AmyMyBlueFront

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I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my beloved African Grey Smokey almost seven years ago,not in the manner you lost Peachy but it was none the less devastating. My Blue Front Amy helped me cope and I helped him cope. Amy and Smokey were BFF's for 28 years. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of Smokey.

Jim
 

Kentuckienne

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I’m so sorry to hear your story. The pain is real. I’m glad you found this forum, because people here understand that love is love, and when you lose someone you love it hurts. It may hurt for a long time. The grief will take as long as it takes. People may tell you “It’s just a bird, you need to get over it” and if they do, remind them that love is love. The love comes from YOU, and now the chain is broken, and the love might feel like a live wire snapping inside you. It’s painful and at first it may be unrelenting. If you can, remind yourself - like Manuka says - the pain is there because the memories are there. Hold on to the memories, they will one day be pure joy. Until then, stay here and talk to us when it helps, because we do understand.
 
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I recently lost my very young sun conure, Kevin, when he flew into a window while I was feeding his sister. It was devastating. I felt so guilty as this could have been prevented if I had put the shades down.

The most important part of this is you must forgive yourself. That is truly the biggest step when it comes to healing, especially when it comes to these accidental losses.

These little guys have such big, beautiful spirits. Peachy and Kevin will be there waiting when it’s our time.

The pain is so very potent and it rocks us to the core. I promise that day by day and week by week, the joyful memories will pervade and the painful twinges, though still there, lessen.

Many prayers for you and Peachy!
 

foxgloveparrot

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Thank you for sharing. This is so brave of you. I'm very sorry, really, and may your baby rest in peace. Let the tears flow, take time to grieve, and know we are here for you and thinking of you.
Peachy seemed like the most wonderful little conure you could have had. Be thankful that you had him in your life at all, rather than just sad about losing him.
So many recent losses on the forum. It's been really hard for a lot of our members lately.
Fly high beautiful Peachy, we miss you 🌹
 

Terry57

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I'm so very sorry for your loss of Peachy. He sounds like such a beautiful soul, and I'm sure that with the love you two shared that he would not want you to blame yourself.

For now, take all the time you need to grieve. We all understand how a loss of a bird can be devastating, and I'm so glad you joined us. I pray that one day you will remember the good times without the stab of pain. When I lost my little heart bird, I cried for months, wishing I could have done something differently so that he was still here with me. Sometimes something will remind me of him and I cry again. He passed 4 years ago.
The good thing is that I can also think of him now and smile, knowing I was the luckiest person in the world to have had him in my life.

I know by your post that you and Peachy also had that kind of love between you.

Please remember to take care of yourself now, I also suffer from depression and I know how bad those downs can be. Reach out here to any of us anytime if you need to talk.
I am just so sorry.
 

Scott

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Please accept my deepest, heartfelt condolences for your loss of Peachy. You are among friends who have experienced varied tragedies seeking comfort and solace. Grief has no timeline or arc, allow yourself the full spectrum of emotions as they are cathartic and healing. In time Peachy's memories may bring more comfort than searing pain.

Your last paragraph helpful with finding your way to forgiveness and acceptance. Personalized and group interactions allow processing of emotions, leading to your heart welcoming another treasured feathered companion.
 
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Sakered

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I'm so very sorry for your loss of Peachy. He sounds like such a beautiful soul, and I'm sure that with the love you two shared that he would not want you to blame yourself.

For now, take all the time you need to grieve. We all understand how a loss of a bird can be devastating, and I'm so glad you joined us. I pray that one day you will remember the good times without the stab of pain. When I lost my little heart bird, I cried for months, wishing I could have done something differently so that he was still here with me. Sometimes something will remind me of him and I cry again. He passed 4 years ago.
The good thing is that I can also think of him now and smile, knowing I was the luckiest person in the world to have had him in my life.

I know by your post that you and Peachy also had that kind of love between you.

Please remember to take care of yourself now, I also suffer from depression and I know how bad those downs can be. Reach out here to any of us anytime if you need to talk.
I am just so sorry.
I love this response and all of your responses so much. It helps enormously to know that we are all here for each other. I have been depressed for much of my life, but have never felt this type of acute sadness before. I will stay very connected to this forum and pray that you all heal well so we can all be ready to one day be with our babies again
 

Chrissiejingles

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I'm so very sorry for your loss.
I too lost my heart bird two years ago, due to a terrible accident. I had the privilage of having him in my life for 18 years, since he was 4 months old. He was such a character and he was with me through the worst time of my life.
The sadness and guilt is still with me but I remember him with love...we loved each other very much....that love will be in my heart for the rest of my life, until I see him again.
What helped me, was to write about him...every single thing I remember about him. Also, I read books on grief and loss to help me cope. This helped so much. I gave a Senegal parrot and a budgie a home. They needed love and I know my Amazon, Mr Jingles would have approved.
It is obvious that you loved your little friend very much...you gave him a good life. Take one day at a time. Take care of yourself and keep in touch on this forum. The lovely people here helped me survive those first few months.
 
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Sakered

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I'm so very sorry for your loss.
I too lost my heart bird two years ago, due to a terrible accident. I had the privilage of having him in my life for 18 years, since he was 4 months old. He was such a character and he was with me through the worst time of my life.
The sadness and guilt is still with me but I remember him with love...we loved each other very much....that love will be in my heart for the rest of my life, until I see him again.
What helped me, was to write about him...every single thing I remember about him. Also, I read books on grief and loss to help me cope. This helped so much. I gave a Senegal parrot and a budgie a home. They needed love and I know my Amazon, Mr Jingles would have approved.
It is obvious that you loved your little friend very much...you gave him a good life. Take one day at a time. Take care of yourself and keep in touch on this forum. The lovely people here helped me survive those first few months.
Thank you for this advice and I’m sorry for your pain as well
 

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