You sound like me. Baci my green cheeked conure was my baby, he was everything to me. At only 5 years old it just never occurred to me that I would lose him. Yet he contracted pancreatitis and started showing symptoms over a weekend when bird vets are closed. A non-bird vet had a look at him and couldnāt find anything wrong but suggested we take him to our regular vet first thing Monday, which we fully intended to do anyway. By that time however he was becoming ataxic and much more ill. My bird vet is extremely good and I left him there fairly confident that Baci would be ok. My husband had to take an interstate trip for work so I was left by myself in the house waiting for news from the vet. As the hours dragged on i got a feeling in my gut that Baci wasnāt going to make it. The vet called the next morning to say he had died in the night, in the clinic all alone, probably wondering where I was. Iāve never been so heartbroken and devastated in my life. I donāt know how I got through the next few months at work because Iād break down and cry multiple times a day in the office, as well as on the bus to and from. Eventually after months of blaming myself over and over and suffering frightening panic attacks in the night where things got very scary indeed I sought medical help, mostly to help me sleep and short circuit those panic attacks, and that has helped enormously.
I still desperately miss my baby Baci and I always will. He is buried in my garden in a spot thatās just outside my living room window - heās about as close to me as possible but in the garden. If we ever move from this house I will pop him in a plant pot and bring him with us. The kind of grief you are experiencing is normal among those of us who have been privileged to share our lives with these extraordinary creatures. Iām lucky I have an incredible husband to support me, and when things get really scary I also have an excellent and very empathetic doctor. If your doctor isnāt particularly understanding of your situation go find one that is! I will always cry over my baby boy and I donāt know if Iāll ever get over his loss but with my loving husband here and a little medicinal help Iāve managed to get through the worst of it, and I sincerely hope you and your family do too.