New Lovebird

Just from a quick glance I can clearly tell this is a very common subject, so bear with me!


Basically, about a month ago I adopted a single lovebird from a foster who told me in no uncertain terms that she didn't like hands, didn't like people, etc. I was perfectly OK with this even if she never came around. I figured I'd give her some time to see if she likes me, give her some time to meet my conure & cockatiels, basically just wait until she settles in and if it seems like she desperately needs a mate or she won't be happy, I'll look into trying to find her someone she can love even if it's not me. I have several birds in my flock who don't like people, including two mated doves, so the idea of birds who aren't affectionate with me wasn't a concern at the time.



However... at the time, of my flock of 7 I had two affectionate birds, the birds I've had the longest. A conure and a cockatiel. The cockatiel had been acting strangely for a while, she'd been to the emergency vet twice and the standard vet for bloodwork once in the last six months, every time they said "don't worry, she seems healthy, just keep an eye on things." Two weeks ago she passed extremely suddenly. I could go on forever about how shocking it was and how I wish I knew what caused it so I can make it never happen again, but that's not the point.



The point is I now have a flock of 6 with only 1 single friendly bird, which isn't so different from a ratio of 7 to 2 but feels so, so extremely different. I know I'm mourning which makes a huge difference but it really does hurt more.


So basically here's where I am: I have this new bird who I love dearly and I want the best for her, but my entire plan feels as though it's falling into disarray. If I adopt again, I'd really want to go to my favorite rescue, volunteer a few weeks, try to meet a bird who imprints on me and loves me, and introduce them to my flock. But if I really give this new lovebird what she deserves--my next bird would be a companion for her. I can't stretch myself thin adopting two birds but to bring myself back up to 7 with only one bird who loves me, and who is likely a senior... it just feels so heart breaking.


I guess I just want advice all around. I have my own plans... two of my cockatiels are not "unfriendly" per say, they just love each other more than me, and while I think certain birds will just be like that (a bird of the birds, you know?) I do think they're easier to convince to step up and sit with me. The doves are more or less a lost cause but I'm content with that. Really though, this lovebird feels like the most pressing concern.


Right now, I've been trying to really pressure her to spend time with me... picking her up even when she's reluctant and just sitting with her until she calms down. But despite having done this several times, there's been no progress. I think that as a tactic works for some birds but just demonstrates to other birds that I'm not only a big scary human, I'm a big scary human who tramples all over boundaries. I hate this and don't want to do it anymore. But I went all out and got her this mansion of a cage, so if I put my hand in, she has NO reason to work her way over. And I don't want to limit food, so regardless of what tasty treats I hold, she'll just eat safflower seeds in her seed mix and ignore me!


What does everyone think? Best strategies? I know this was a lot and if you read the whole thing I'm very grateful. Thank you.

I am sorry for your loss.
Did the vet perform a necroscopy? I ask because in order to protect your other birds, it is important to know whether your bird had a disease or whether there was some other preventable cause of death.

In terms of bonding with the birds, are they sharing cages or do they each have their own? Birds will bond to each other when they share a cage and this makes the human the "third wheel" in most cases.

You should stop trying to pressure her into moving faster than she is ready. Try just building trust...Do you allow her to come out of the cage on her own terms ever?
IF IT CAN BE DONE SAFELY, I would say that you should open the cage door and just do quiet things nearby (like reading etc). It can take months-- trust is like a bank with birds, and when you scare them, you withdraw some trust. That is why you need to build that trust back up again before you start trying to handle her. Seriously, my bird wouldn't let me pick her up for 3 months when I first got her. At first, I pushed it and thought that she was just being stubborn (because she would eat from my hand etc) but that was an error on my part. Don't push...and just be patient. Once you build trust back up, see if she will take food from your hand (if not, don't panic)- just keep calmly building trust by showing that you won't try to force her into doing things before she is ready. Eventually you will see progress. REMEMBER, just because you see a bit of progress, does not mean you should dive right into trying to pick her up.

Also, getting another bird will not likely solve the problem. Never get a bird for a bird because they might hate each other....It could make your already complicated situation even more complicated. Why do you feel that she needs a mate so badly?

Hi, ya, lovebirds can be tough to win over! But, the word is ‘win’!

@noodles123: I did not get a necropsy. I'm not going to make excuses that it was the right choice but I definitely wasn't thinking clearly, and believe me I'm jumping at shadows about every even remotely odd behavior. My other birds don't have any of the same symptoms but I know that's not evidence that they're "just fine"... honestly this is part of the reason I don't want to adopt right now as well regardless of how lonely it feels, because I have this paranoia of some kind of airborn virus in my flock I don't want to subject a new bird to. All evidence points to my late cockatiel just being a senior but I have so many worries because I expected several more years...



As for the lovebird and wanting a mate, I'm notorious among friends for being a kind of "Noah's arc." When I really examine things this is why my birds for the most part aren't in a hurry to hang out with me (lol) but I definitely try to cage together when possible so that when I'm at work they're not lonely. The birds who already loved me didn't stop loving me but definitely getting new birds to like me in this environment is a struggle. The lovebird is caged alone but I definitely feel that if I can't convince her to get close to me, she'll be starved for affection and start plucking or showing other signs of distress. She already plucks a bit, though she's eased off slightly since moving in with me.



I absolutely have no intention of breeding or anything like that, but I guess for context my first pet was rats and rats because they're extremely social will become neurotic and miserable and mean if forced to live alone. Unlike birds they're much more likely to be cuddly and friendly if you give them as many companions as possible lol. I know it's different for birds but I have a corner of my heart that still worries about making a bird live alone, it seems very lonely.

Birds are super social and can get lonely, but it's tricky because they won't accept just any bird. I will type more soon- just trying to meet a deadline at the moment lol.

I'm no expert on flock development/management, but... I'm glad you're here.

I know you'll get great advice and support.

I'm extremely sorry for the loss of your Cockatiel...I'm also sorry you didn't get a necropsy done, only because it should always be done if you don't know what the cause of your bird's death was and you have other birds in the same house who were sharing the same air-space and everything else with the bird who passed away...Hopefully he did not pass-away due to any kind of Avian Viral Disease or any kind of contagious Infection...Keep a very close watch over the rest of your birds for the next month or two, because they hide all outward signs/symptoms of illness/pain so well that it might take that long before any other sick birds become obvious to you. At the first sign of any runny droppings, any vomiting, any abnormal lethargy/sleeping more than usual, staying at the bottom of the cage, constantly being fluffed-up, or any Upper-Respiratory signs/symptoms like coughing, sneezing more than once or twice, any heavy or labored breathing, open-mouth breathing, wheezing/clicking sounds, etc., you need to get them to your Avian Vet and have cultures done to figure out what it is and what will treat it...Hopefully it won't be an issue for you...

So I don't quite understand why you need to have "pairs" of birds...Is that the idea, or am I just not understanding your goal correctly? I mean, I totally understand about your Conure losing his mate, that's completely different, though he will be okay after a little time of adjusting to the Cockatiel no longer being around (they are extremely resilient and don't mourn death the way we do, sometimes we all tend to "humanize" our birds and worry about them losing a friend/mate, but even bonded breeding-pairs that have been bonded for years do just fine after the loss of their mate, it just takes a little time)...And it's also different if you adopt/rescue an already bonded-pair of birds who have been together for a long time, it's always best to try to keep them together in their new home if possible...But when you adopt/rescue or buy a single, lone bird like your Lovebird, the chances of them bonding with YOU are much, much, much better than them bonding with any other bird you might buy/adopt and bring home specifically to be their mate/friend, even though it often takes months and months for you to earn their trust.

Birds for bonds with each other very much the same way we as people form bonds/relationships with other people; as such, they might love each other and bond-closely with each other, they might like each other but not want to share their "territory" (cage) with each other, they might simply tolerate each other being members of the same Flock but not want much to do with each other at all (this is the most-common outcome that happens), they might not like each other but be fine in the same Flock as long as they don't go near each other or each other's territories, they may dislike each other and need to be kept completely apart at all times or they will start fighting, and then they might hate each other so much that one or both of them will purposely try to hurt/kill the other if they ever get close to one another...And the problem is that you have absolutely no way of knowing what type of relationship they are going to have when you already have a lone bird at home and you bring home a new bird that is supposed to "for them". It's a really horrible idea and not something you should ever do, because you'll likely end-up with 2 lone birds that YOU now have to be mates with. So the only time you should EVER bring home another bird is because YOU WANT IT FOR YOURSELF, and you have enough time to spend with them and keep them happy and healthy.

***I have hand-tamed dozens and dozens and dozens of not only non-tame birds, parent-raised non-tame birds, etc., but also many birds who were abused/neglected by one or more people, and that have never once been given a single reason to give their trust to another person the rest of their lives...But they ALWAYS DO...Eventually.When it comes to bonding with other birds, there is also a natural hesitancy because other birds are competition for food, shelter, mates, etc., they present a natural jealousy over their territories, over food supplies/sources, etc. In-contrast, even though no parrot in the world is "domesticated" at this point in time and rather simply just captive-bred/raised, people do not naturally present any competition, jealousy, territory, mating, etc. issues to them like other birds do...So I've never bought the whole "This bird just isn't ever going to like me" thing, because I've yet to see it happen...What I have seen happen a million times is people giving-up on their birds giving them their trust way too soon because they either become inpatient very easily, they just expect it to happen in a very short amount of time or they don't want to bother, or they just simply don't understand that it can take months and months of both Direct-Interaction and Passive-Interaction with a non-tame bird before they earn their trust and the bird has a want to bond with them.

You're obviously a responsible, loving bird owner, so that puts you WAY AHEAD of most other people when it comes to taming a non-tame bird who has already lived in multiple homes with multiple owners (and experienced god knows what at the hands of a person or people, you never know what they've been through when you adopt/rescue a bird, even if you're told otherwise you must assume that things have not been great for the bird, and that's often the best-case scenario that you can hope for)...There is far-more neglect than physical-abuse when it comes to the histories of re-homed parrots, but neglect is also a form of abuse, and so you have to understand that your Lovebird probably hasn't been given much reason at all to give his trust to person throughout his life...So you have to realize that this process that you've been trying to do can take months and months and months, but trust me when I say that earning the trust of a "rescue" parrot gradually, over a long period of time, results in a type of bond with that bird that you just don't get when you go and buy a hand-raised baby parrot from a breeder who will bond with just about anyone pretty instantaneously. So there is no reason at all why you can't be this Lovebird's mate/friend/parront in-time, and I implore you to do so because the odds of him EVER finding another loving owner/family who is not only responsible and has bird experience, but who is even remotely willing to put in the time with him necessary to bond with him are slim to none...They get caught-up in what I call "The Parrot Re-homing Cycle of Hell", and typically it doesn't end well at all...The other thing you need to realize is that with every new home a bird is put into, the less and less their trust of people is going to be, especially if they are abused or neglected in one or more of them, neglect being EXTREMELY COMMON for birds like your Lovebird who isn't yet able to be handled.

So I'd much rather see you make sure his cage is located in the "main room" of your home, the room where you spend most of your time whenever you're home (rather than in a "bird room" if that's where your other birds are), so that he can simply be in your presence, see you, hear your voice, have you walking past his cage, etc. (Passive-Interaction), and then have you "Hit the Reset-Button" and make today the first day you have him, and start completely over in trying to earn his trust today, fully knowing and aware that this process is can and probably is going to take at least 6 months or longer, than having you yet again re-home him to someone else simply because you think that he just doesn't like you and isn't going to ever bond with you, because I can guarantee you that if you do re-home him, he's going to have 10 more homes if he has 1 more...And the chances of him simply becoming a piece of "living furniture" that is never again let out of his cage or even spoken to or looked at is extremely high because right now he can't be handled, he won't step-up for anyone, he doesn't like to just hang-out and "sit on shoulders" like parrots are supposed to, and that's what happens to birds like this because no one ever wants to put in the time every day with them...

This Lovebird has had a streak of amazingly good-luck because he was in the re-homing vicious-circle and he happened to end-up with you, an experienced, responsible bird owner/lover...So I hope that you'll just re-commit to him, because once you do earn his trust and he bonds-closely with you, it will all be worth it...All you have to do is stop forcing him to do things, never pressure or force him to do anything he doesn't want to do, respect the fact that he's not had a good gig up to this point, and no one has given him any reason for him to trust them...Just put his cage in the room where you do whatever it is you do when you're at home, open up his cage at night (after dinner and before bedtime is the best time for this, when they're getting sleepy, relaxed, and extra "beak-grindy"), and just let him decide when he wants to come out...And then put aside 20-30 minutes each day where you can work with him one-on-one, with no other birds around for him to be concerned with (it also helps if you work with him out of view of his cage, as that's now his only territory and "safe-space", and they often become pre-occupied with getting back to their cages instead of focusing on you and what you're doing and trying to get them to do), and then just keep at it...It will happen, I 100% guarantee you it will happen, it's just a matter of "when" it will happen...But I wouldn't say that about 99% of the population and people he might end-up with if you re-home him...

Also, just to add since Noodles has exactly the same question that I have, I hope you can come to realize that birds do not need another bird that they are bonded-to if they have YOU. So I'm not understanding why you think you need to always have an even number of birds and that they all need to be paired-up...Like your Conure right now who lost his mate, the chances of him bonding with another bird closely are very slim, but he will certainly bond more-closely with you than he ever was...Isn't that a good thing? Or do you not want to be closely-bonded with a bird yourself, and you'd rather just have them be bonded to another bird?

You have to realize that this way of thinking is exactly the opposite of what pretty much 100% of the people who come to this forum are trying to accomplish. They have a bird who they have purchased or adopted who is not tame for one reason or another, and they are desperately trying to figure out how to earn the trust of the bird and bond-closely with it, so that THEY CAN BE THE BIRD's MATE/FRIEND....So someone who adopts/rescue parrots but only wants them in bonded-pairs rather than having one bond-closely with them, is completely new...

Also, on this topic, the odds of your Lovebird bonding with another Lovebird that you bring home or anyone else who adopts him from you brings home or already has are not good, it's much less-complicated and much more likely that he bonds with you closely if you are willing to start-over and give him the time he needs to finally trust a person. After all, no one has given him any reason to trust them up to this point in his life, so you certainly can't blame him for wanting to make you work to earn his trust...

Thank you so much for the post. I'm sorely regretting not doing the necropsy, but I suppose experience is how we learn and hers was the first sudden death I've experienced (I hope it's not too optimistic to hope it's the last...) I did speak to the vet who'd seen her last today, he of course echoed the advice to do a necropsy whenever possible but gave me realistic advice for keeping on top of things and I'll be doing earlier than usual yearlys for everyone this month to just make sure we don't have any obvious clinical signs of illness.



And its nice to see you reminding me everything I know about adoption and rescue. I should clarify--it's not that I want to bond every bird, or keep them in pairs. In fact, when I adopted Elby the lovebird I wanted to bond with her and hopefully for her to get along with my other fids, and I considered another lovebird a last resort step. Her foster has suggested it several times, so I do have her kind of whispering in my ear, but I'm also coming from a place where I really just want the best for my birds... rather than insisting the bird adapt to me, I want to adapt to her needs. But I think I'll give her a long time of my time and effort before losing confidence like this. Especially since she has the rest of my flock to talk to all day--I know verbal communication is a huge part of bird social life, and she absolutely has that! I also bought some training treats and a clicker that may help, may not, I've never used a clicker before so I'm sure I'll be clumsy with it lol


I'll also point out that I had a deceptively good/lucky experience with my dove... he lost a mate suddenly and stopped eating, so in my panic I hunted for a single rescue dove and drove 3 hours to find her since he'd never liked me, and while it worked out fantastic, I see now that it was a rare and lucky thing that it did... honestly I probably wouldn't handle the situation the same today, as I remember he was talking to me and landing on me for the first time and probably would have bonded with me if I didn't panic, but he quite literally wasn't eating and I definitely made a hasty decision.