Never Argue with a Woman

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage
after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She
motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to
read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside
the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're
in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.

Lone Ranger and Tonto

How smart was the Lone Ranger??


The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,'Kemo Sabe,
look towards sky; what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says: "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Timewise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord
is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo sh*t. Someone stole tent."

Math

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl
took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my
pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she
hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to
her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? ...
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
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1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit?
---------------------------------
2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What
is his profit?
---------------------------------
3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
---------------------------------
4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.
---------------------------------
5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is
selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our
woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of$20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the
question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as
the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers.)
---------------------------------
6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por $100.
El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha
hecho?

two lines

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared
and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were
true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were
dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St.
Peter."
Soon, all the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was well over 100 miles
long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there
was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the
head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your
purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."


God turned to the one man and asked, "How did you manage to be the only one
in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Heartwarming...

Here's a truly heartwarmingstory about the bond formed between a
little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make
you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child
the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or
less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who
suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the
next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a
real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the f***in' sheet rock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

smart man

He writes:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window andgave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously consideredsuicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so!!!!!!!!!!

Smile!!!

I thought everyone could use some smiles

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