Attitudes and responses to other members.

Mayden

New member
Apr 22, 2010
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Merlin & Charlie (Senegals)
Okay, this might seem a bit naggy and horrificly long/repetitive but I'd appreciate people reading and maybe taking it on board too.

This is basically a post about "attacking" others on the forum for actions they've done or thought about doing regarding their fids. There's many examples that have gone round in my time of being on the forum and this is so far my least 'aggressive' forum that I've been on, but it still occurs. So this here is a little lesson in forum etiquette, manners and how to successfully teach someone a lesson about bird care WITHOUT scaring them off - encouraging them to come back for more help if they need it.

I think it's really important to take the approach of "the damage is done, so lets make sure the lesson is learnt to avoid it happening again".

The idea of blaming someone for something they have done regarding their fid because of ignorance is absurd. I appreciate that everyone should read up the best they can before getting a parrot but some things we just have to learn by asking questions or by our own mistakes. The best way we can help people out is for them to ask questions and for us to respond in the best way we can and encourage them to come back if they still don't understand or have more questions - surely this is the best thing for the fid?

I've been on the recieving end from said attackers in the past after rescuing a ducorps cockatoo and housing him in a parrot cage that was (undoubtly) too small for such a large too, but large enough for him to stretch and clamber around ect. The cockatoo was being housed in a travel cage 24/7 at the time, which as most of you know is not adequate. His tail feathers were barbed and matted from the water and bars on the cage, he couldn't stretch except for a wing at a time that got stuck through the bars so in my opinon, getting him out of there in ANY cage as an upgrade was better than leaving him to be sold off to some idiot in said travel cage.

I asked on a forum for help - he was my first 'parrot' (having owned budgie's before) and I wanted to make sure I was doing right by him in every way possible. I posted pictures of him in his cage with his new toys, eating etc and ALL I got back were people attacking me about the size of his cage. Seemingly to completely ignore the story (I was 18, had just been given a sizeable sum of money from my mother and spent it ALL getting him out of there and in that cage with appropriate toys etc) but no, their focus wasn't on me getting him out, it was his cage.

(Link to the cage if anyone is interested - currently Merlin's cage now - Montana Brazil)
Here's a picture of him in it! (Before a ton of toys were added and perches changed to natural wood with bark he can strip etc.:))
260124_10150646405105508_6577711_n.jpg


So instead of getting help, I was attacked, made to feel I'd done a horrible thing, ended up in tears and regretting getting him and it temporarily put me off forums or even speaking about him. I only wanted to know if I was going about bonding with him etc, correctly and if anyone could identify which cockatoo he actually was. Instead I was attacked and will never touch that forum again - I learnt nothing, other than people can be incredibly nasty. I appreciate that you may be anxious that a bird is at risk by someones actions but attacking and being aggressive is NOT the way to get somebody to learn what they have done is wrong.

Anyway; moral of my story is - please, PLEASE, do not attack anyone on this forum, berate them, put them down for their actions. They're asking for HELP to improve their birds lives and what is done is done, the best thing you can do for all involved is to offer encouraging words and help them to now do what is best. You cannot change the past, but you can permanently damage the future if you go in all guns blazing. The person will feel attacked by a community and will leave with no answers, just more anxiety and the welfare of their fid is then at stake. Is that really our goal? No, it's not.

I know some do it because they get on their high horse regarding their knowledge on birds. I know some do it out of panic and rush to get their message across. Some just don't realise they're being aggressive or think it's necessary to get their message across. It isn't.

If you think back to your best teachers in life, I'm sure it'll be the ones who took the time to sit with you, explain things thoroughly, point out your mistakes and NOT get angry with you for them, but explain how to go about it better next time.

Please guys, just take into consideration that we are human, we make mistakes and we're all here trying to learn. So let's get rid of all that nastyness, intended or not and encourage others to learn - and come back to learn some more!

:)
 
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MissTaz

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May 11, 2013
481
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Utah
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Rory ~ A male turquoise green cheek conure ~ Hatched 02-12-2013
Thank you so much! I feel so bad when people snap at people who are here to learn. Thank you for your wise words and personal experiences! Cheers!
 

Triplemoon

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May 21, 2013
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mid tn usa
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Goldie- hen Gold/Yellow cheek Cockatiel ( almost 20 yr old) and a newly weaned Lutino parakeet named Boo 2 GCC's Milo-Turquoise and Jada-Pineapple.
I fully agree. I see it happen on all kinds of forums, groups, and the such.
 
OP
Mayden

Mayden

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Apr 22, 2010
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Merlin & Charlie (Senegals)
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Bear in mind that tone and inflection, 2 important keys to conversation, are not present in written communication. These have to be inferred by the reader, and the reader's mood can color that inference. So a simple, straightforward response can be interpreted as belittling, scolding, or berating depending on the reader's mood while at the same time can be interpreted as a lighthearted jab by another reader. If there is ever a question as to what the responder meant or how they said it, there is always the option of a PM for clarification.

That's why I think smilies are actually so important in text posts on forum!

Because:

"You really shouldn't be doing that! :p"
is a lot different from
"You really shouldn't be doing that. :mad:"
and really helps to convey a message better. That's why at the end of my text post I put a smiley - and also as the thread icon too as this was not a "I'm really annoyed with everyone" post, more of a "hey guys, lets consider this...!" but I appreciate too that not everybody is a 'smiley' type person. ;)

I do understand what you're saying and I agree, it can often be taken one way when you meant another which is why I think CLEAR, ENCOURAGING messages are important, to further stress that you're not here to scold, but to teach :) Also why I won't be pulling people up on it unless it's blatantly obviously they're being nasty and need to wind their necks in because sometimes it is just miscommunication/understanding that's the problem and nothings wrong with the posts at all.

&thanks all, like I said, I don't see it too much on this forum and more often than not I think it's just a case of people not thinking their responses through properly, jumping the gun and causing the original poster stress. Having experienced it myself, like I said, it's really really horrible. So I just want others to appreciate that actions have consequences and so one blip of lashing out at someone can pretty much ruin their relationship with helpful forums which they and their fid might need.

I rehomed my 'too (which was the plan from the beginning) but I did it on my own with no help or guidance from the forum. Literally spent the day in tears doubting myself over and over because of things they said whilst trying to justify that his cage was adequate for his brief time with me. I was a great foster home for him, he had a blast whilst staying with me and was then moved on to an even better home for him. I did the right thing - I realise that now but at the time all I felt was angry, hurt and so so horrid about myself. I needed help and encouragement, not nasty people berating my every step.
 

JerseyWendy

New member
Jul 20, 2012
20,995
8
BEAUTIFULLY said, Mayden!!!!

THANK YOU for reminding us what this is all about! :)

We want to help folks, not scare them off or shy them away.

Friendly advice will most definitely go much further than hurtful remarks. :)

Thanks again!!
 

Kalidasa

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May 8, 2013
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Michigan
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1 green cheek conure (Kumar)
2 male budgies (Charlie and Diego)
:confused::mad::eek::(:(^^its done exactly that for me. (Scare off) bye
 
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ruffledfeathers

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Aug 23, 2012
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Gilbert Oliver, Blue Crown Conure; Georgie, Sun Conure (2/8/01-8/8/12) RIP little girl; Percy, budgie 1993-1999. RIP Pepito-spanish timbrado canary
i think that is why i have learned to overuse smileys in written correspondence. sometimes it IS hard to tell exactly how something was intended.

and there are also so many different opinions on things---cover or not cover, clip or not clip--and they vary from person to person, situation to situation. there is no absolute right or wrong, so no point arguing or offending someone who feels differently for their own reasons.
 
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Mayden

Mayden

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Apr 22, 2010
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Merlin & Charlie (Senegals)
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i think that is why i have learned to overuse smileys in written correspondence. sometimes it IS hard to tell exactly how something was intended.

and there are also so many different opinions on things---cover or not cover, clip or not clip--and they vary from person to person, situation to situation. there is no absolute right or wrong, so no point arguing or offending someone who feels differently for their own reasons.

I disagree with clipping in most cases, but I try and put both sides of the coin across to help owners make more informed decisions about things. I'd rather the person had both pros and cons for each and then we can help tailor their decision for their own fids. I think it's a nice system to have together. Work it all out, then tailor it for a great fit! (That applies to everything by the way, not just clippings :))

But thanks again; nice to know my messages arn't going unnoticed. :) Like I said before, not a criticism of the forum, just a friendly reminder. :cool:
 
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henpecked

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Dec 12, 2010
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Jake YNA 1970,Kia Panama amazon1975, both i removed from nest and left siblings, Forever Home to,Stacie (YN hen),Mickie (RLA male),Blinkie (YNA hen),Kong (Panama hen),Rescue Zons;Nitro,Echo,Rocky,Rub
Thank you mayden, I joined to help out a few birdies. That's my only motive. I'm thankful there's a forum like this that people can turn to for help with their bird. I've noticed you try and help and aren't judgmental , hope i can do the same. Thanks again for keeping the bird's best interest at heart. Something we all should strive for.
 
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Birdlover11

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Aug 23, 2012
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Pepsi and sprite, both are American male budgies
Thank you SO much for this ! This is a great forum and all, but your right, these things do happen. It's always great to hear from the other end, than the accusing.
 

critterman

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Jan 1, 2011
230
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Maryland
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Crimson bellied conure.
Well put Mayden. I also was attacked here on this forum by a couple of people when I had to rehome my 2 greys for serious health issues. I had them for 10 years and they were sisters. It broke my heart to give them away but I had no choice. I had just had my second heart attack and needed emergency bypass and open heart surgery. I had one week to rehome them before going into the hospital for surgery. I had no one who would be willing to care for them while I was in the hospital and rehab. I tried my best to keep them to no avail. Rehome was the only alternative for me. I did it and knew they would be better off than being alone in my home for the 3 months I was in the hospital for surgery and rehab with someone only coming in once a day or so to feed them and change their cages and clean them. I was attacked by a few here who mad me feel like a bad person and a bad bird owner. Not true. I did leave this forum for awhile but recently came back. I must be honest though I am reluctant to tell too much here as I am still worried that others will again condemn me especially since when I get better I got another smaller easier to care for parrot. I don't think anyone has the right to attack or belittle or beat another person down for any reason. I hope this will stop in this forum and remember we are here to offer help not condemnation to others. Again Mayden thanks........it was a well needed topic that should be discussed. Thanks to you for having the courage to do so.
 
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Mayden

Mayden

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Apr 22, 2010
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Merlin & Charlie (Senegals)
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Well put Mayden. I also was attacked here on this forum by a couple of people when I had to rehome my 2 greys for serious health issues. I had them for 10 years and they were sisters. It broke my heart to give them away but I had no choice. I had just had my second heart attack and needed emergency bypass and open heart surgery. I had one week to rehome them before going into the hospital for surgery. I had no one who would be willing to care for them while I was in the hospital and rehab. I tried my best to keep them to no avail. Rehome was the only alternative for me. I did it and knew they would be better off than being alone in my home for the 3 months I was in the hospital for surgery and rehab with someone only coming in once a day or so to feed them and change their cages and clean them. I was attacked by a few here who mad me feel like a bad person and a bad bird owner. Not true. I did leave this forum for awhile but recently came back. I must be honest though I am reluctant to tell too much here as I am still worried that others will again condemn me especially since when I get better I got another smaller easier to care for parrot. I don't think anyone has the right to attack or belittle or beat another person down for any reason. I hope this will stop in this forum and remember we are here to offer help not condemnation to others. Again Mayden thanks........it was a well needed topic that should be discussed. Thanks to you for having the courage to do so.

You're welcome. Didn't another forum member take your two greys or am I confusing two other sister greys? (one was slightly plucked?... the name Grace springs to mind?)

I'm glad you're back and hopefully things will go a little smoother this time. What's happened has happened and hopefully you're in a better position to care for you new guy now. I hope that what happened didn't cause you too much stress, the horror of that whilst suffering with a heart condition is just dreadful. (I hope that is all better too now!) It's generally a case of "damned if I do, damned if I don't" as people would probably have condemned you for trying to keep the fids with them getting minimal attention for months etc, suggesting rehoming them, which could have caused a lot of upset for you and your fids too (as did rehoming I imagine!). I think each comment should be taken with a pinch of salt and focus on the positive ones - and hopefully each ends up being a positive one anyway! ;)
 

chippy

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Feb 16, 2013
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2 Indian Ringnecks, Tiki (DH's) and Pippin (mine), 1 lovebird, Gemma (DD's) and 1 in birdy Heaven... RIP, Wilbur.
I agree... I think if people are coming and asking, then they are trying to learn and do the best for their birds.
 

kanundra

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Apr 25, 2013
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Lancashire
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IRN blue
I remember joining my first Koi Forum in 2008 being a new owner and wanting to do what was best for my fish. Boy, I soon learned... the guy was literally shouting at me through text. Which was kinda scary, however he did pm me the next morning and apologize. We actually became pretty close friends, (although he's since passed away) and I'm very grateful for the time and help he gave me.

But, I totally understand what you're saying. It's very easy to 'see' only pictures and get 'some' of the info and judge people. As care givers. Be it to Koi or a Fid (as I'm just learning) we all need to strive to help the person and not judge the circumstances. Because you don't always get that full picture, It takes too long to type up, when someone is in full blown panic mode thinking their pet is going to die!

I help moderate one of the best Koi Forums now, and I've learned all that I can about my fish to keep them in tip top shape. I would like to think I'll eventually learn everything there is about my Bobby, and our soon to be rescue Sparky :) But it takes time. And we all need a little helping hand now and then.

:) Thank you to everyone here. I look forward to spending many years chatting to you about our pets.
 

ConureCrazy

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Senegal: Oliver ~~
Yellow-Sided GCC's: Bella and Zora ~~
R.I.P Tweeters the Cockatiel<3
Thank you for the explaining. :) This forum is to teach new and/or questioning owners, and to learn ourselves. I'll admit, when I look back at the first month owning Bella and Zora without this forum, I want to cringe. They were taken care of, of course, proper diet, housing, out time, you know, but my understanding of their limits, body language, and behavior, was completely wrong. Without all of you guys I wouldn't have known what to do. :) Thanks.
 

WannaBeAParrot

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Jul 5, 2012
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SE Florida and Sullivan County, NY
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Cody-Blu, female Blue-Crowned Conure, Hatched - (approx) June 1, 2014, in a South Florida tree.

Pritti (Cherry-Head Conure) -- Fly in Peace my beautiful boy. Forever I'll love you.
Excellent Mayden.
Sometimes some of the posts ignite that protective parenting instinct which can make a person react and then assess the manner of reaction later.

The best thing is stay focused on the fid. It's all about the fid and how we can help. There's nothing wrong with trying to help a person set on bringing home a bird see that maybe they are not ready to be a parront, but humbly, gently and in a coaching way so that maybe they'll stick with the forum and learn before they bring that birdie home.
 

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