Dealing with the death of a pet.

[Jose42]

I don't deal well with death. The hardest ones I've had to deal with are when my pets die. It isn't just the death that bothers me. In a sense, the death is sometimes relieving because I hate seeing them suffer. One of my budgies died from a tumor near his spine in mid-April this year. Now, I'm experiencing the same thing with another one of my budgies. She has a tumor on her right kidney. I've noticed something was wrong with her since late August. She doesn't have long and I find myself crying myself to sleep most nights since then. I wake up to sound of her falling from her perch or struggling to climb. I've done all I can to ease things for her just like I did for my last budgie. My first budgie died when I was 8. Every pet death since then has been as heartwrenching as the last. Remembering them brings a smile to my face now and then, but it always ends up with me crying (even a little). I'm agnostic, but I was raised Catholic so whenever my pets give me any scare I start to pray for them. I hold a short ceremony for them before burying them. I've been given the 'be glad it happened' spiel, but that doesn't help. I'm wondering if anyone here has any advise on dealing with the loss. Any advise is much appreciated. Also, Happy Holidays!

 

[LaManuka]

I’m so sorry for what you and your budgie are going through. Tumours seem to be pretty common among budgies - I once had a budgie called Pete who contracted testicular cancer. I medicated him with painkillers daily and every 3 months we’d take him to the vet for a dose of chemotherapy. He would likely have been in some level of pain and discomfort but he was a tough little critter and simply refused to admit defeat! Finally after about 18 months of this he started to show evidence that he was suffering too much pain and began to pluck the feathers from his chest. We knew his time had come and his doctor agreed, but Pete was still trying to put on a brave face right to the very end.

This was probably 15 years ago now and we still remember Pete fondly because, like all of our other birds and no doubt like yours, they’re not just “pets”. That’s why it’s so very hard to lose them, because they’re family. And sometimes they’re even better than family, let’s be honest lots of us live in or come from fairly dysfunctional families affected by fear or violence or judgement, but our animals simply love us unconditionally, meaning that it’s that much more devastating when they pass. In terms of how you might better deal with the loss I’m not going to be much help I’m afraid since I’m still struggling with the loss of my heart-bird last year. Perhaps though, understanding how and why it is that we can so completely lose our hearts to them may give some insight into why we react the way we do upon their passing. As my favourite anonymous poet wrote ...

“I will lend to you, a bird,” God said, “and teach you all you have to do,
And when I call her back to Heaven you will know she loved you too.”

 

[T00tsyd]

I think to feel pain is part of being a very loving human being. It is a measure of the person you are. Your birds are not just pets in the loose meaning of the word. They are not just there when you want them and discarded when you don't. You care very much and they are part of your family. It is hard to feel that pain but at the same time perhaps it is right to focus not on our pain of loss but on their freedom from discomfort.

I have been a dog person all my life. More than a friend or companion they were often my reason to get up in the morning and get out and meet people etc. I was broken when my last dog died knowing that at my age I could no longer manage the walking etc needed by a dog. He died with a cancer but I knew as he did, that he was at the end of his life. The one thing I understand from creatures is their total acceptance when the time comes. Us humans are not always so accepting and perhaps we can learn something from our 'pets'. My best wishes to you and hope that you will be able to turn away from such grief and look forward to the sunshine safe in the knowledge that your pets are free.

 

[SailBoat]

One of the realities of Living is that Death is a natural companion. It may sound dark and cold, but as we age the experience provides the truth to those words. I'm very old and have come to accept the reality of life.

In one's youth, it is our Pets that commonly first expose us to death and its pain. The advice provided by older family members is that the Pain decreases with time. As you have found, it's not true at all. But with time, the Pain begins to transition to our remembering the joy of them.

We have long taken in the old, very ill and commonly abused Amazons. We know upfront that they have a limited time with us, regardless of our efforts. But, we keep exposing ourselves to the Pain of their loss in the knowledge that they passed Knowing That They Had Been Loved!

As a Catholic you know that we can pray for those who have departed and that it helps them on their way. In doing so, we remember them, miss them. And, yes it is Painful. But as we slowly transition to older Adulthood, we begin to understand that there is a comfort in their memories. Yes, the Pain is still there, but so is the remembrance of the happiness that they gifted us. The comfort in the Love that they returned.

As we age, we also transition from being 'us' center to being 'other' centered. Our Pets are commonly our first step in this transition as we learn to Love them for little more than they being themselves. We Learn To Love Others.

Over the years I have come to understand that each Amazon that took over our home and our life was creating a place within our heart for themselves. At the same time their would also create a place for another. a place next to theirs. A place for you to later bring your Love to another.

Our Amazon Hill has filled over the many years. It brings Pain to visit and remember. But they also brings a large and comforting warmth and the knowledge that each had created yet another space...

Find comfort in their loss as they are the example of you opening yourself to Loving others.

Love has a price, but to provide your Love opening to others and allowing them to find comfort in that Love is overwhelmingly comforting and worth what pain that will come.

Provide your Love to the older and ill around you. Let them know that you Love them and know that your Pets have brought you to this point in your life. Smile when you think of them, for they have taught you well...

 

[SailBoat]

FYI: Please take the time to visit the Amazon Forum. There you will find two sticky Threads at the top of the Forum. On Page 5 of the Huge Thread found in Light Blue, and Titled: I Love Amazons ..., you will find a segment titled: Loss of a Feathered Friend. I know that you will find it helpful...

A huge and warm, Amazon Feather Hug for you...

 

[1oldparroter]

We receive much more than we give to those around us. Pets or people. We do our best for those who make impacts on our lives. There will be pain of loss for any of them. If you ministered to any of them, you would counsel patience and understanding of their short comings and remembrance of their good side. We all suffer loss at the one's that affect us in a positive manner and forget the negatives of any. At death of one of those we should appreciate that they no longer suffer and that they appreciated their time with us. Be "grateful", for the time you had. Hope you had a measure of the same, from them. "Don't" let their loss change your life to those that remain in it, other than to be;more appreciative. jh

 

[Betrisher]

It's so comforting to see such compassion and understanding among our members!

Yes, the loss of our beloved pets is indeed a terrible thing. As you say, I've always taught my kids that we were lucky to have loved and lost our animals. Imagine the lives they might have lived if we hadn't found them and brought them home to love. Imagine them being owned by someone who simply didn't understand the right way to care for them or who mistreated them out of ignorance or even malice!

Each creature (including ourselves) has an allotted lifetime. That time can be easy or difficult, joyous or sad, meaningful or pointless. The way I look at it is that I'm grateful to have been given *any* time with my animals. If they live long lives, that's wonderful. If they live short ones, that's wonderful too. We got to spend that time together. Nothing is permanent in this world and we might wish as hard as anything, but that won't change.

I'm Catholic too and prayer is certainly a great comfort during hard times. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with asking for a gentle grief and for the essence of a beloved pet to go where it ought to go. Time eventually brings acceptance, even though the loss will always be hard to live with. It doesn't go away, but it becomes less pointy over time.

In my case, the loss of our galah was especially sad because he had belonged to my Dad and was very like him in temperament He was a cranky old bastard (that's an Australian term of affection)! I still find myself blubbering for Dommie and wishing I'd known more about the cancer that killed him in time to save him. I remind myself that I gave him ten great years at the end of an awful period that he lived through after Dad had died.

But Rosetta has come along and, while she could *never* fill Dommie's place in my heart, she certainly has wormed her way in and found her own spot. She's just lovely and happily receives every ounce of love I have to give her. You'll find you actually have many buckets of love in your heart and the loss of one pet doesn't prevent you from loving another out of its own unique bucket. My best advice is to get another bird as soon as you're ready and love again.

Sending hugs tonight.

Betrisher XX

 

[chris-md]

I’ve got no real advice for you, but to simply say I’m sorry you’re going through this. Unfortunately, pain is the price we pay for love

 

[noodles123]

Initially, this may sound like bad advice, but when you think about it, an animal who is gone (or a person, for that matter) would not want us to put our lives on hold for them (as they are not coming back). SO, while mourning is healthy, sometimes moving on is easier when you have another animal/person in your life. It isn't a replacement, it is an opportunity to make another life better and help a creature in need. I think that in death, everything "human" (or "worldly") probably seems a little bit more silly than it does to the living...I mean, after a death, the living often guilt themselves out over the mere concept of feeling emotions for other creatures, as though it is some sort of adulterous affair (when really, there is no cap on the love we can feel for others----it's not like you can only love one animal/person etc---dead or alive).

When our dog died years back (from cancer), I was grief stricken...I had spent days sleeping on a tile floor next to her and it was really bad. The day after she passed, I went to the pound and everyone in my family was SERIOUSLY offended, but here is the thing: I will never be over that loss. Time will make it easier, but it doesn't ever go away totally, so waiting seemed fruitless (because it still hurts when I think about it). We all planned to get a new dog eventually anyway, and dogs are killed in pounds daily (because no one comes). I didn't see the point in waiting, as it wouldn't bring her back and I needed something to do with all of my grief/anxious/sad energy.
People like to wait (or refuse to get another animal) out of reverence, but reverence is a social construct of the living to some extent. Despite my family's objections, we ended up picking a dog that day at the pound (and NO ONE thought that would happen, as I was the only one who went originally----had to call everyone 50 x to get them to come meet me). The dog we got was AMAZING and she would have been euthanized the following day had we waited...It didn't replace are negate the loss, but it did provide a channel for emotions aside from wallowing etc.

Sometimes, you have to put the injured part of your heart to good use in order for it to stop hurting so much. It doesn't mean that you don't love the one you lost---and any human or animal with a consciousness after death would absolutely have no problem with you continuing to live your life/providing a home for another animal. Taking time to mourn is healthy, but at the same time, the longer you do it, the harder it can be to move on without feeling like you are dismissing the power of your memories with that person/animal (even though that isn't the case).

Losing a pet can be worse than losing a human family member in some cases (because even the people we love can do mean things on purpose) but animals do not necessarily work that way. I get what you are saying 100%..It is really hard.
You don't have to go into getting another animal (or entering another relationship in general) as a means of replacing or covering up others--that is not the point (again, there is no maximum on the love we have to give to others). My point is to find joy in putting your emotions into something living...Not a replacement, but a new opportunity to do good and help those in need---you may never feel ready, but I'm not sure many people ever really do (until the try).

Bottom line: Every worthwhile relationship IS going to hurt at some point (because everything dies, ends, changes etc). There is no way to make a loss any less painful, because that pain means there was love (and that is worth something). That having been said, DO NOT LET THE PAIN STOP YOU FROM LOVING/LIVING etc. I am sorry you are going through all of this

 

[Scott]

I harbor similar apprehension of loss and endure lengthy periods of mourning following the loss of a beloved bird. Their eternal innocence and lifelong dependence strikes a deeply resonant chord.

When the inevitable occurs, grieving in fulsome manner is helpful. I take solace in the following quote:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”

― Washington Irving

 

[noodles123]

I harbor similar apprehension of loss and endure lengthy periods of mourning following the loss of a beloved bird. Their eternal innocence and lifelong dependence strikes a deeply resonant chord.

When the inevitable occurs, grieving in fulsome manner is helpful. I take solace in the following quote:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”

― Washington Irving

Agreed--- cry and mourn, but then also know that there is no crime in devoting yourself to something other than tears.

 

[Rival_of_the_Rickeybird]

You are getting great input. I am very sorry for your loss. I do have some advice. You are already doing it. Come here to these forums and receive support, and then when a time comes, give back to another who is experiencing loss. There is no better place for a bird lover to come. I fully admit that I am not really much of a parrot person, but my wife is, and this site is her touchstone. So I believe you are doing just what you need to do. Best of luck to you.

 

[Jose42]

I’m so sorry for what you and your budgie are going through. Tumours seem to be pretty common among budgies - I once had a budgie called Pete who contracted testicular cancer. I medicated him with painkillers daily and every 3 months we’d take him to the vet for a dose of chemotherapy. He would likely have been in some level of pain and discomfort but he was a tough little critter and simply refused to admit defeat! Finally after about 18 months of this he started to show evidence that he was suffering too much pain and began to pluck the feathers from his chest. We knew his time had come and his doctor agreed, but Pete was still trying to put on a brave face right to the very end.

This was probably 15 years ago now and we still remember Pete fondly because, like all of our other birds and no doubt like yours, they’re not just “pets”. That’s why it’s so very hard to lose them, because they’re family. And sometimes they’re even better than family, let’s be honest lots of us live in or come from fairly dysfunctional families affected by fear or violence or judgement, but our animals simply love us unconditionally, meaning that it’s that much more devastating when they pass. In terms of how you might better deal with the loss I’m not going to be much help I’m afraid since I’m still struggling with the loss of my heart-bird last year. Perhaps though, understanding how and why it is that we can so completely lose our hearts to them may give some insight into why we react the way we do upon their passing. As my favourite anonymous poet wrote ...

“I will lend to you, a bird,” God said, “and teach you all you have to do,
And when I call her back to Heaven you will know she loved you too.”

Thank you. This was helpful, especially the quote.

 

[Jose42]

I think to feel pain is part of being a very loving human being. It is a measure of the person you are. Your birds are not just pets in the loose meaning of the word. They are not just there when you want them and discarded when you don't. You care very much and they are part of your family. It is hard to feel that pain but at the same time perhaps it is right to focus not on our pain of loss but on their freedom from discomfort.

I have been a dog person all my life. More than a friend or companion they were often my reason to get up in the morning and get out and meet people etc. I was broken when my last dog died knowing that at my age I could no longer manage the walking etc needed by a dog. He died with a cancer but I knew as he did, that he was at the end of his life. The one thing I understand from creatures is their total acceptance when the time comes. Us humans are not always so accepting and perhaps we can learn something from our 'pets'. My best wishes to you and hope that you will be able to turn away from such grief and look forward to the sunshine safe in the knowledge that your pets are free.

Thank you. You may be right. Death can be bittersweet.

 

[Jose42]

One of the realities of Living is that Death is a natural companion. It may sound dark and cold, but as we age the experience provides the truth to those words. I'm very old and have come to accept the reality of life.

In one's youth, it is our Pets that commonly first expose us to death and its pain. The advice provided by older family members is that the Pain decreases with time. As you have found, it's not true at all. But with time, the Pain begins to transition to our remembering the joy of them.

We have long taken in the old, very ill and commonly abused Amazons. We know upfront that they have a limited time with us, regardless of our efforts. But, we keep exposing ourselves to the Pain of their loss in the knowledge that they passed Knowing That They Had Been Loved!

As a Catholic you know that we can pray for those who have departed and that it helps them on their way. In doing so, we remember them, miss them. And, yes it is Painful. But as we slowly transition to older Adulthood, we begin to understand that there is a comfort in their memories. Yes, the Pain is still there, but so is the remembrance of the happiness that they gifted us. The comfort in the Love that they returned.

As we age, we also transition from being 'us' center to being 'other' centered. Our Pets are commonly our first step in this transition as we learn to Love them for little more than they being themselves. We Learn To Love Others.

Over the years I have come to understand that each Amazon that took over our home and our life was creating a place within our heart for themselves. At the same time their would also create a place for another. a place next to theirs. A place for you to later bring your Love to another.

Our Amazon Hill has filled over the many years. It brings Pain to visit and remember. But they also brings a large and comforting warmth and the knowledge that each had created yet another space...

Find comfort in their loss as they are the example of you opening yourself to Loving others.

Love has a price, but to provide your Love opening to others and allowing them to find comfort in that Love is overwhelmingly comforting and worth what pain that will come.

Provide your Love to the older and ill around you. Let them know that you Love them and know that your Pets have brought you to this point in your life. Smile when you think of them, for they have taught you well...

Thank you. Hopefully I will come to understand this and feel this when I am old.

 

[LaManuka]

You are most welcome! As others have mentioned though, just the very fact that you are here seeking support and sharing your own experience is helpful in itself. Our feathered (yes and some furry) babies are so much more than just pets, they are treasured family members who give us so much love, joy and comfort.

How is your budgie doing today?

 

[Jose42]

It's so comforting to see such compassion and understanding among our members!

Yes, the loss of our beloved pets is indeed a terrible thing. As you say, I've always taught my kids that we were lucky to have loved and lost our animals. Imagine the lives they might have lived if we hadn't found them and brought them home to love. Imagine them being owned by someone who simply didn't understand the right way to care for them or who mistreated them out of ignorance or even malice!

Each creature (including ourselves) has an allotted lifetime. That time can be easy or difficult, joyous or sad, meaningful or pointless. The way I look at it is that I'm grateful to have been given *any* time with my animals. If they live long lives, that's wonderful. If they live short ones, that's wonderful too. We got to spend that time together. Nothing is permanent in this world and we might wish as hard as anything, but that won't change.

I'm Catholic too and prayer is certainly a great comfort during hard times. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with asking for a gentle grief and for the essence of a beloved pet to go where it ought to go. Time eventually brings acceptance, even though the loss will always be hard to live with. It doesn't go away, but it becomes less pointy over time.

In my case, the loss of our galah was especially sad because he had belonged to my Dad and was very like him in temperament He was a cranky old bastard (that's an Australian term of affection)! I still find myself blubbering for Dommie and wishing I'd known more about the cancer that killed him in time to save him. I remind myself that I gave him ten great years at the end of an awful period that he lived through after Dad had died.

But Rosetta has come along and, while she could *never* fill Dommie's place in my heart, she certainly has wormed her way in and found her own spot. She's just lovely and happily receives every ounce of love I have to give her. You'll find you actually have many buckets of love in your heart and the loss of one pet doesn't prevent you from loving another out of its own unique bucket. My best advice is to get another bird as soon as you're ready and love again.

Sending hugs tonight.

Betrisher XX

Thank you. It's comforting to think that I was able to give her almost 10 years full of love instead of her having to go through a horrible life.

 

[Jose42]

Initially, this may sound like bad advice, but when you think about it, an animal who is gone (or a person, for that matter) would not want us to put our lives on hold for them (as they are not coming back). SO, while mourning is healthy, sometimes moving on is easier when you have another animal/person in your life. It isn't a replacement, it is an opportunity to make another life better and help a creature in need. I think that in death, everything "human" (or "worldly") probably seems a little bit more silly than it does to the living...I mean, after a death, the living often guilt themselves out over the mere concept of feeling emotions for other creatures, as though it is some sort of adulterous affair (when really, there is no cap on the love we can feel for others----it's not like you can only love one animal/person etc---dead or alive).

When our dog died years back (from cancer), I was grief stricken...I had spent days sleeping on a tile floor next to her and it was really bad. The day after she passed, I went to the pound and everyone in my family was SERIOUSLY offended, but here is the thing: I will never be over that loss. Time will make it easier, but it doesn't ever go away totally, so waiting seemed fruitless (because it still hurts when I think about it). We all planned to get a new dog eventually anyway, and dogs are killed in pounds daily (because no one comes). I didn't see the point in waiting, as it wouldn't bring her back and I needed something to do with all of my grief/anxious/sad energy.
People like to wait (or refuse to get another animal) out of reverence, but reverence is a social construct of the living to some extent. Despite my family's objections, we ended up picking a dog that day at the pound (and NO ONE thought that would happen, as I was the only one who went originally----had to call everyone 50 x to get them to come meet me). The dog we got was AMAZING and she would have been euthanized the following day had we waited...It didn't replace are negate the loss, but it did provide a channel for emotions aside from wallowing etc.

Sometimes, you have to put the injured part of your heart to good use in order for it to stop hurting so much. It doesn't mean that you don't love the one you lost---and any human or animal with a consciousness after death would absolutely have no problem with you continuing to live your life/providing a home for another animal. Taking time to mourn is healthy, but at the same time, the longer you do it, the harder it can be to move on without feeling like you are dismissing the power of your memories with that person/animal (even though that isn't the case).

Losing a pet can be worse than losing a human family member in some cases (because even the people we love can do mean things on purpose) but animals do not necessarily work that way. I get what you are saying 100%..It is really hard.
You don't have to go into getting another animal (or entering another relationship in general) as a means of replacing or covering up others--that is not the point (again, there is no maximum on the love we have to give to others). My point is to find joy in putting your emotions into something living...Not a replacement, but a new opportunity to do good and help those in need---you may never feel ready, but I'm not sure many people ever really do (until the try).

Bottom line: Every worthwhile relationship IS going to hurt at some point (because everything dies, ends, changes etc). There is no way to make a loss any less painful, because that pain means there was love (and that is worth something). That having been said, DO NOT LET THE PAIN STOP YOU FROM LOVING/LIVING etc. I am sorry you are going through all of this

Thank you. I've had budgies as pets for 19 years now. It's true what you say; it helps to continue loving other pets. I don't intend to stop having pets any time soon.

 

[Jose42]

I harbor similar apprehension of loss and endure lengthy periods of mourning following the loss of a beloved bird. Their eternal innocence and lifelong dependence strikes a deeply resonant chord.

When the inevitable occurs, grieving in fulsome manner is helpful. I take solace in the following quote:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”

― Washington Irving

Thank you. That's a powerful quote. I'll keep it in mind.

 

[Gigi4]

Initially, this may sound like bad advice, but when you think about it, an animal who is gone (or a person, for that matter) would not want us to put our lives on hold for them (as they are not coming back). SO, while mourning is healthy, sometimes moving on is easier when you have another animal/person in your life. It isn't a replacement, it is an opportunity to make another life better and help a creature in need. I think that in death, everything "human" (or "worldly") probably seems a little bit more silly than it does to the living...I mean, after a death, the living often guilt themselves out over the mere concept of feeling emotions for other creatures, as though it is some sort of adulterous affair (when really, there is no cap on the love we can feel for others----it's not like you can only love one animal/person etc---dead or alive).

When our dog died years back (from cancer), I was grief stricken...I had spent days sleeping on a tile floor next to her and it was really bad. The day after she passed, I went to the pound and everyone in my family was SERIOUSLY offended, but here is the thing: I will never be over that loss. Time will make it easier, but it doesn't ever go away totally, so waiting seemed fruitless (because it still hurts when I think about it). We all planned to get a new dog eventually anyway, and dogs are killed in pounds daily (because no one comes). I didn't see the point in waiting, as it wouldn't bring her back and I needed something to do with all of my grief/anxious/sad energy.
People like to wait (or refuse to get another animal) out of reverence, but reverence is a social construct of the living to some extent. Despite my family's objections, we ended up picking a dog that day at the pound (and NO ONE thought that would happen, as I was the only one who went originally----had to call everyone 50 x to get them to come meet me). The dog we got was AMAZING and she would have been euthanized the following day had we waited...It didn't replace are negate the loss, but it did provide a channel for emotions aside from wallowing etc.

Sometimes, you have to put the injured part of your heart to good use in order for it to stop hurting so much. It doesn't mean that you don't love the one you lost---and any human or animal with a consciousness after death would absolutely have no problem with you continuing to live your life/providing a home for another animal. Taking time to mourn is healthy, but at the same time, the longer you do it, the harder it can be to move on without feeling like you are dismissing the power of your memories with that person/animal (even though that isn't the case).

Losing a pet can be worse than losing a human family member in some cases (because even the people we love can do mean things on purpose) but animals do not necessarily work that way. I get what you are saying 100%..It is really hard.
You don't have to go into getting another animal (or entering another relationship in general) as a means of replacing or covering up others--that is not the point (again, there is no maximum on the love we have to give to others). My point is to find joy in putting your emotions into something living...Not a replacement, but a new opportunity to do good and help those in need---you may never feel ready, but I'm not sure many people ever really do (until the try).

Bottom line: Every worthwhile relationship IS going to hurt at some point (because everything dies, ends, changes etc). There is no way to make a loss any less painful, because that pain means there was love (and that is worth something). That having been said, DO NOT LET THE PAIN STOP YOU FROM LOVING/LIVING etc. I am sorry you are going through all of this

Omg. Your words are so wise and that what I need to hear/read. I lost by bird pet a week ago and the pain was unbearable