I can't say what you're feeling. I definitely have a good idea. I went through similar. My first CAG of nearly 20 years died of smoke inhalation from an electrical fire. I wasn't home at the time. My siblings were not supportive. One was outright mean or maybe just insensitive. I swore not to get another dog, bird, parrot especially a CAG. My dogs I had from just weaned died about seven months earlier. It was barely a month apart. I had them for nearly 18 years. I was withdrawn and teary. I kept waiting to hear his sounds. Light on and off time were the worst. The apartment was so empty no dogs or parrot. I was moody and cried at the drop of a hat for nearly four years. I was having major health concerns at the same time. This made it easy to do nothing. It encouraged me to sit and look at a wall. I put off getting rid of cage and accessories until later. I broke it down and leaned it against a wall. Then one day, my daughter got the cage, scrubbing and washing it. She said she was taking it to Goodwill her next off day. She also assembled it. I was told that she wanted to make sure it was still good and wouldn't fall apart. A few days later she came home from work. I had a box shoved at me. My daughter only said don't drop it. I didn't look at it closely. I just put the box on bookcase next to my bed. In my mind, the box was also put in the later column. I ignored it for a long time. I started hearing soft and weird sounds. Investigating I opened it. There was Nameliss. A nearly 4 months old CAG. I didn't want her. Nothing could replace Paco. I didn't want to like her. Nameliss was bound and determined that I would. She unfairly used "cute baby bird". I held out for almost a week. Everyone is different. Every loss affects individuals differently. Take your time. Grief doesn't have a time stamp and bang done. It's been close to 25 years. I still get teary looking at his picture. Another trigger could be a random sound or a thought. I'd force myself to remember Paco's favorite saying. He used it to get me up, moving and bring him a treat... Left, Left,..... Left, Left,....I said your other Left, Left. Perfect marching cadence. Paco sounding exactly like my daughter's drill sergeant from basic. I hear faint echoes of marching feet bouncing off the barrick walls fading away. Another sound he did with that saying. The soldiers were moving he expected me to do no less. A perfect mimic of those soldiers and recruits. I sadly tell myself...Ok Paco, here I go or I'm trying. That always triggers a happy memory. I smile because of that happy memory. I'm going through check point to get on that and other army bases. Paco mimicking all the hand gun, rifle, artillery, space weapons and the like he knew. He obviously was responding to the guards khakis and weapons. I'd sit waiting in the car. This as I endured a bright, sunny and hot muggy day in Georgia. Waiting for the guards trying to identify the sounds. They'd compare identity and disagree. Here's hoping you find your item, sound in memory or located around you. Get it to help you get moving.
I feel like I lost everything I had to live for.
