I accidentally killed my bird

[LENA11]

Hi just wanna say this is a deeply sad sensitive story and i don’t wanna bring anyone down so this is just a heads-up

i don’t know why i resorted to the internet but i feel horrible and writing this may help me process

i hope this doesn’t come off as me trying to make it about myself but i truly don’t know how to live after this i feel a heavy guilt. sorry if this sounds incoherent i’m in lost of words

i have 2 Budgies one is 3 years old and one that i got a couple months ago cause my old bird started showing signs of loneliness and going crazy when she hear the birds out door. any way i live in a pretty save environment ( ironic) with my family members where all sources of heat are central and we don’t have water bodies so i like to let them out to play around the house since that they can’t fly.
i know deep down it was dangerous but it will break my heart to see them scream from their cages to let them out . they play together all the time they are like old and young brother what my old bird dose my young bird ( mochi ) dose too .

mochi is a very quiet and peaceful bird and his big sister have a big personality and she leads him all the time . i spend most of the times on the second floor and i mostly have them with me but sometimes when i’m working or doing something i keep them at the living room down stairs so that my parents can keep an eye on them. they know how to go up the stairs and where to find me they are very smart birds


my bird mochi loves to play up the stairs where i keep my vacuum because he loves jumping the wires
today i was playing with my phone and i heard them screaming in the stairs. i was so focused on the game because my internet was weak and i was getting frustrated i go out side my room and find one of my birds ( the old one ) on the couch outside and my first thought was that my bird mochi most have gone upstairs cause this is where he usually go when he go up the stairs or he’s still in the living room downstairs. i didn’t give it much thought i went and sat next to my other bird on the couch and continued to play.a couple minutes go by and i didn’t hear his voice down stairs so i went to the upstairs where the vacuum is to check it he’s sleeping their. didn’t find him.

i stormed the house looking for him screaming his name i had a sinking feeling that something bad happened. after i looked all around the house i went back to where i was sitting. yes you gussed it. there was a newly washed fitted sheet on the couch where i sat. i found mochi’s corpse under where i was sitting in the couch crack. i thought he was just suffocated i tock him in my hand freaked out to do cpr and i realized that his neck was broken. i did that. i killed my baby. i knew that they had a habit of going under the sheets but i didn’t check. it wasn’t their sleep time why would i check. dumb me .

i screamed for an hour until my sound was gone and felt my soul going through my mouth. nothing can undo this. nothing can bring my baby back. i didn’t know what to do but i still thought about myself. i thought i need to process and deal with it fast since i have depression and this is gonna make me go into a very dark bath. it didn’t work . i took him to the car i wrapped him with the sheet i was sitting on.i didn’t know what to do and how to grief and if i have the right to. i buried him . i wrote an apology letter like a dumb kid just to make myself feel better. didn’t work ether i killed my pet. i killed the one thing that i was taking care off . taking care is funny word in this context. the vet told me to burn him but how can i hurt him more ? i don’t know how to live with myself i feel guilty for breathing eating and sleeping. i feel like such a bad person and parent to the point where i’m thinking about giving my other bird to someone professional who can take care of animals.

this feeling may never go away and i fully think i deserve it. when i went to the vet i heard the birds there i knew that every time i hear i bird i will remember how i killed my pet and how avoidable it was if i was a more careful person. i remember everytime i paid more attention to his sister more than him i will remember how an amazing polite of a bird he was and he will be if he had a more responsible owner. with anyone really giving that the chances of anyone killing his pet is slim .
i can’t describe my feelings.i’m so so so so so so deeply sorry i wish i never existed i wish i never bought you i wish someone else did i’m so so so sorry mochi rest in peace i loved you so much you brought things within me that no human could ever bring. you made me a happier person and this is how i pay back .


RIP mochi…

 

[SailBoat]

Sorry for you loss!
Moving forward is never easy as the want to hold in the here-and-now may seem the right thing.
Combined with the pain of causing the loss provides even more resistance to moving forward.
But, moving forward is what you must do not only for you, but for the love of your dear friend.
What helps:
Making changes so that is can not happen again.
You're writing here starts you on the journey, as it lets others know what to avoid.
Your dear Parrot made your life happier, it only makes sense to do your part to assure your other Parrot's life is made happier.
Shut the 'game board' down and spend that time helping out at your local Rescue making life for those birds more comfortable.
Grieve as long as you need, but avoid the darkness as that does nothing for moving forward.
Again, very sorry for you loss.

 

[zERo]

I'm so sorry, I know how terrible this is for you.
BUT this isn't your fault, accidents happen no matter how hard we try and prevent them.
Losing a bird feels impossible, like there's no way a shining star that is a parrot can ever die, but they can and they do, and I assure you your beautiful Mochi is flying in heaven and he doesn't blame you.
When my Falkor passed, I thought my world would never be happy again, I thought it was my fault too, if I'd just noticed something amiss. Hard to believe next May it'll be two years since she left, she was a budgie too.
You must remember you still have your other bird to love and cherish and maybe in time you'll find, though it still hurts, you can open your heart to another bird, to love and bless.
Again I'm so sorry.

 

[LeeC]

@LENA11, I am terribly sorry for your loss.

I have experienced the natural, but drawn-out death of my Sun Conure, Peaches. It was over three hours of agony for him (heart disease), and I was with him the whole time, which was heart-wrenching for me. My fantastic avian vet was on the phone with me at first helping me decide if I should put Peaches through the long trip to her office. She coached me on how to properly prepare him for a necropsy, which put me into vet-tech mode as soon as Peaches passed. I did take a few minutes to show his expired body to my other parrots. That was rough. I get choked up thinking about it. Right after the "viewing" service, I had to cool him down properly and make that long trip to the vet for his necropsy. The ride home seemed a lot longer than the ride to her office. Months later, I bumped his cage and his bell jingled. I was overwhelmed with emotion. That bell meant the world to him. He was blind, probably his whole life. When he reached out where he thought the bell was, and contacted it, he got so happy, because that meant he was oriented correctly to his surroundings.

Yet, that experience for me is nothing like what you are dealing with. I committed to myself and my other parrots that I would put all the love, time, and energy of mine that was for Peaches into helping other parrots. A very in-need Peach-fronted Conure showed up at the rescue right after. (Peaches expires, a Peach-fronted in need appears) I was not emotionally ready, at all, to get attached to another parrot, but I was ready to help a parrot in need. I continue to pay Peaches' love forward. It was the only way forward for me. Again, your case is different, but perhaps that helps you find a way forward that works for you.

I commend you for sharing your story here. I appreciate you sharing your story here.

 

[HeatherG]

Hi,
I’m going to have to go back and finish your post because it is too sad and blaming to read right now. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I also sat on my bird once but I was lucky I didn’t put down much weight so she was fine. I assumed the thing under my leg was a sock. It was my parrot, but she was a bit bigger than a budgie and she survived.

We have all made mistakes and had accidents with our birds. Some of those accidents have worse consequences. But they are part of life’s randomness: so much is determined by chance, even life and death.

You did not hurt your sweet bird on purpose. Basically it was an act of God and there is/ was nothing you can do. People have accidents with their children and it’s horrible but it is not their fault. It is an accident or fate.

Feel welcome to write and post and people will be glad to talk with you. We all love our birds! I have had my Willow and Jasper for two years. Before that I had Lucy for 23 years. She was my best friend and I still miss her. Mochi loved you and had a good life with you. I did not do everything perfectly for Lucy either but I loved her.

Take care of yourself,
Heather

 

[HeatherG]

Hi,
I’m going to have to go back and finish your post because it is too sad and blaming to read right now. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I also sat on my bird once but I was lucky I didn’t put down much weight so she was fine. I assumed the thing under my leg was a sock. It was my parrot, but she was a bit bigger than a budgie and she survived.

We have all made mistakes and had accidents with our birds. Some of those accidents have worse consequences. But they are part of life’s randomness: so much is determined by chance, even life and death.

You did not hurt your sweet bird on purpose. Basically it was an act of God and there is/ was nothing you can do. People have accidents with their children and it’s horrible but it is not their fault. It is an accident or fate.

Feel welcome to write and post and people will be glad to talk with you. We all love our birds! I have had my Willow and Jasper for two years. Before that I had Lucy for 23 years. She was my best friend and I still miss her. Mochi loved you and had a good life with you. I did not do everything perfectly for Lucy either but I loved her.

Take care of yourself,
Heather

“i screamed for an hour until my sound was gone and felt my soul going through my mouth.” I have felt like this and it’s terrible. I am so sorry. When I sat on Lucy she just looked up at me like “what? You wouldn’t hurt me, momma.”

I was lucky to have many more years with her. But she passed on a couple of years ago. I thought I’d have a heart attack or something when she died (not logical I know) and felt sort of surprised I was still there and she was not.

Take it easy on yourself and give your older bird a lot of love and attention. Can you bury mochi somewhere and have a small funeral? Or say a prayer for him and thanks for sharing his life? I bought a locket to put a bit of Lucy’s ashes in so they will always be with me. Maybe you should save some of on his feathers to remember him by.

 

[LENA11]

“i screamed for an hour until my sound was gone and felt my soul going through my mouth.” I have felt like this and it’s terrible. I am so sorry. When I sat on Lucy she just looked up at me like “what? You wouldn’t hurt me, momma.”

I was lucky to have many more years with her. But she passed on a couple of years ago. I thought I’d have a heart attack or something when she died (not logical I know) and felt sort of surprised I was still there and she was not.

Take it easy on yourself and give your older bird a lot of love and attention. Can you bury mochi somewhere and have a small funeral? Or say a prayer for him and thanks for sharing his life? I bought a locket to put a bit of Lucy’s ashes in so they will always be with me. Maybe you should save some of on his feathers to remember him by.

thank you. you’re so kind it really means a lot to me thank you. and thank you to everyone on this thread i keep checking and re reading

 

[wrench13]

THis was an accident plain and simple. Greive yes, remember , yes, but blame? No. A caution to others whose parrots like to burrow into clothes, bedding and other hidey holes. If they read this and prevent a similar accident all the better. FWIW we read about accidental deaths exactly like this several times a year here on ParrotForums.

 

[BirdyBee]

I am so sorry to hear about Mochi. Please don't feel bad for posting about your grief here, many of us have lost our birds on this forum, either due to accidents or natural causes. But, everyone has a different experience and a different way of dealing with grief.

When I was seven I accidentally killed my senegal parrot. I was beyond devastated. For years I felt guilty. Because it was my fault. Sometimes I honestly wish my parents never got her for me in the first place, because seven years olds are stupid when it comes to handling birds. But, after the incident, I was a lot more careful with animals. I wouldn't just chase and grab them like most kids. I would just calmy sit until the animal came to me. I really cared about being gentle with animals, and I still do. In a way, I think it was a good thing that she was in my life.

You're not alone in your struggles. We're all here for you. Take your time to grieve, and when you're ready, move on. Moving on doesn't mean you don't acknowledge what happened. It just means letting go of the guilt.

Sending hugs your way🤗

 

[Gringosid]

So so sorry! Yes, it’s very sad and a terrible accident. You are not the only one who has made a mistake. Please forgive yourself and know that by telling your story, you will help others, and you may even help other bird owners be aware of what can happen, resulting in saving another birds life. Tell your story! Grieving is healing. Thanks for sharing!

 

[Percival the great]

This is so horrible!! I’m sooo sorry you had to go through that!! please please know that you are human and we all make mistakes that make us feel like the worst thing on the planet! Believe me I have lost many pets after each loss I blame myself more and more one of The hardest was a bearded dragon(he was basically my esa) and I’m telling you it took at least 3 months for me to calm down just a little, I still blame myself to this day and will never forget the hundreds of things I could have done to prevent him passing(he was only a young adult at almost 2yo) but please know we all make mistakes and you must do whatever you feel like you need to do to get over it, but please I beg you don’t go too far in your self blame! It’s in the past and dwelling in the past can lead to dreadful consequences, you mind will likely replay that moment for a long time(same happened to me) but don’t obsess over it! Find things that help you, talk to someone(that can include your other pets)

I am truly sorry let know one bring you down for what happened! Give yourself whatever you need, cry for a year if you need to, try forget it if you need to and I hope you find a way to heel and press onward.

 

[MajesticMealy]

I know the guilt you must be feeling. I had a conure that got trapped in between a door and I had to watch him die before we got hold of a vet. It was my young son that shut the door (he was perching on top at the end) and I always keep blaming myself that I should have looked out for him better.

It is so so hard. But accidents do happen.

Not sure if it will help but budgies suffocate to death in the wild do- when huge flocks some down to drink water it is not unknown for some to get squashed to death due to the sheer numbers.

It was a pure accident not murder. Don't beat yourself up.

 

[psitticine]

I feel your pain.
The deepest grief I ever had was for the loss of my lovebird (also my first bird,) Chichi.
We have a cat that I always kept a close eye on. He got comfortable with Chichi, enough over time that he could be in the same room when Chichi was in the cage and never bother him. They both seemed content with this.
My huge mistake was letting Chichi free fly when I wasn’t in the room. He would always perch on a high surface like a shelf or window so I didn’t think anything would ever happen. Stupid mistake.
One day I was working from home in my office while Chichi was hanging out in the bedroom. I went into the bedroom and he flew out, so I chased him and had him step up, then put him back in the bedroom. The cat slipped in through the door I left open when I went to get Chichi. I closed the door, came back and Chichi was nowhere to be seen. I found a chunk of feathers on the floor and knew it was over.
My boyfriend looked for him while I called my mom screaming, then he came out and confirmed what had happened, and that he found him under the bed. That was the worst week of my life. Just the fact that it was so avoidable, he was SO young, and such a spunky and social little bird. We didn’t hear any chirping, screaming or other noise. Just gone. I was literally kicking and screaming when it was confirmed. People shamed me and told me I should never have a bird again, among other hateful and rude comments from people who didn’t know anything else about my husbandry. I did my best to ignore it. Still, I think I’ve done okay with taking responsibility but not being too hard on myself and learning from what happened.
Also, my boyfriend has had this cat for 7 years and he is a falconer who has also had parrots that the cat never went near or seemed to even notice. So we’re still shocked that this happened.
I know that there are fantastic bird owners out there who also have cats. Jamie from Birdtricks (very good resource for bird care info, seasoned keeper and rehabber) and the breeder I got both birds from have cats that they’ve had for a long time.
I did a lot of research into precautions to take with a bird and a cat in the same house before taking in my Quaker, Rainy.
I can’t live without a feather baby. So my boyfriend and I immediately started talking strategy for how to prevent anything like this in the future.
This pain was profound and left a lasting scar for me. I was not careless by any means, but a little naive. The silence was so loud that first week. I couldn’t sleep in that bedroom for a while just knowing he wasn’t there and wouldn’t be there when I woke up in the morning. My baby was gone and I couldn’t fix it although I wished so badly that I could. Later that night I took a mesh bag that he loved to play with and filled it with some of his feathers, freeze dried peas (his favorite veggie,) an earring back that he stole off of the earrings I was wearing days before (lol), and some organic fiber from a toy he loved. I have that hanging on our Christmas tree right now. It helps me to hold it when I’m really missing him but makes my heart ache at the same time. The pain has lessened over time but there are still nights when I can’t stop thinking about him and what happened. How unfair and heartbreaking it was.
I now have a beautiful and loving Quaker that I protect with my life. We have a gate secured over her door, the door is always closed if I’m not nearby, it’s never open if she’s out, and my #1 rule is that my boyfriend or I have to be in the room if she’s out. That’s also a separate room beside our bedroom, so, no cats allowed whatsoever!
I still deal with a LOT of intense intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and anxiety. But my Quaker is a joy, and I believe the decision to keep her and learn from my mistakes is an honor to my bygone friend. He wouldn’t want me to stop being a bird mom. I have bipolar disorder, which comes with intense episodes of depression, and birds are such healing and comforting friends to have. You’ll never be lonely if you have a bird.
Your story really reminded me of this traumatizing loss I had. I kneeled at Chichi’s grave, where I placed a tiny angel statue, and tearfully told him that he will always stay on my shoulder. Since we moved, I took the angel and it now sits on the dashboard of my car. That’s a comfort too.
Your story really made me feel less alone in this. I hope my story can provide you with some comfort just as well.
Mochi will always be with you, my friend. I hold space for you and I wish you a steady healing. Please be easy on yourself, learn from this the best you can for your other babies, and remember that healing is not linear and takes time. I wish you a joyful live with your feathered friends.

 

[DonnaBudgie]

Hi just wanna say this is a deeply sad sensitive story and i don’t wanna bring anyone down so this is just a heads-up

i don’t know why i resorted to the internet but i feel horrible and writing this may help me process

i hope this doesn’t come off as me trying to make it about myself but i truly don’t know how to live after this i feel a heavy guilt. sorry if this sounds incoherent i’m in lost of words

i have 2 Budgies one is 3 years old and one that i got a couple months ago cause my old bird started showing signs of loneliness and going crazy when she hear the birds out door. any way i live in a pretty save environment ( ironic) with my family members where all sources of heat are central and we don’t have water bodies so i like to let them out to play around the house since that they can’t fly.
i know deep down it was dangerous but it will break my heart to see them scream from their cages to let them out . they play together all the time they are like old and young brother what my old bird dose my young bird ( mochi ) dose too .

mochi is a very quiet and peaceful bird and his big sister have a big personality and she leads him all the time . i spend most of the times on the second floor and i mostly have them with me but sometimes when i’m working or doing something i keep them at the living room down stairs so that my parents can keep an eye on them. they know how to go up the stairs and where to find me they are very smart birds


my bird mochi loves to play up the stairs where i keep my vacuum because he loves jumping the wires
today i was playing with my phone and i heard them screaming in the stairs. i was so focused on the game because my internet was weak and i was getting frustrated i go out side my room and find one of my birds ( the old one ) on the couch outside and my first thought was that my bird mochi most have gone upstairs cause this is where he usually go when he go up the stairs or he’s still in the living room downstairs. i didn’t give it much thought i went and sat next to my other bird on the couch and continued to play.a couple minutes go by and i didn’t hear his voice down stairs so i went to the upstairs where the vacuum is to check it he’s sleeping their. didn’t find him.

i stormed the house looking for him screaming his name i had a sinking feeling that something bad happened. after i looked all around the house i went back to where i was sitting. yes you gussed it. there was a newly washed fitted sheet on the couch where i sat. i found mochi’s corpse under where i was sitting in the couch crack. i thought he was just suffocated i tock him in my hand freaked out to do cpr and i realized that his neck was broken. i did that. i killed my baby. i knew that they had a habit of going under the sheets but i didn’t check. it wasn’t their sleep time why would i check. dumb me .

i screamed for an hour until my sound was gone and felt my soul going through my mouth. nothing can undo this. nothing can bring my baby back. i didn’t know what to do but i still thought about myself. i thought i need to process and deal with it fast since i have depression and this is gonna make me go into a very dark bath. it didn’t work . i took him to the car i wrapped him with the sheet i was sitting on.i didn’t know what to do and how to grief and if i have the right to. i buried him . i wrote an apology letter like a dumb kid just to make myself feel better. didn’t work ether i killed my pet. i killed the one thing that i was taking care off . taking care is funny word in this context. the vet told me to burn him but how can i hurt him more ? i don’t know how to live with myself i feel guilty for breathing eating and sleeping. i feel like such a bad person and parent to the point where i’m thinking about giving my other bird to someone professional who can take care of animals.

this feeling may never go away and i fully think i deserve it. when i went to the vet i heard the birds there i knew that every time i hear i bird i will remember how i killed my pet and how avoidable it was if i was a more careful person. i remember everytime i paid more attention to his sister more than him i will remember how an amazing polite of a bird he was and he will be if he had a more responsible owner. with anyone really giving that the chances of anyone killing his pet is slim .
i can’t describe my feelings.i’m so so so so so so deeply sorry i wish i never existed i wish i never bought you i wish someone else did i’m so so so sorry mochi rest in peace i loved you so much you brought things within me that no human could ever bring. you made me a happier person and this is how i pay back .


RIP mochi…

Your absolutely heartbreaking story (I cried when I read it) is a reminder to all of us to never walk or sit anywhere when our beloved birds are out of their cages until you know exactly where they are, and for that I am grateful that you had the courage to share your tragic story with us. I did something careless over 30 years ago that killed a sweet young budgie I had just adopted and to this day it still hurts when I dare to think about it. As time passes, trust me, the pain will become more tolerable. In the meantime, you must try to forgive yourself and continue to give your birds all the love they deserve.