Letter to Mother-In-Law : too harsh?

[Anansi]

I would also advise against the letter, Kinny. Though, if you do decide to go with it, Mark's edits were quite good.

The thing is, given your intent, combined with the nature of your MIL as you've described her, a letter would be unproductive at best, and detrimental at worst. We all, as human beings, adapt well to change and pain. Part of what allows for this is the hazy nature of our memories. How many mothers (God bless you all!) would again subject themselves to the rigors of pregnancy and the agony of childbirth if the memories didn't have that comforting tendency to soften with time? Some still would, of course. But I reckon a good number might think twice.

I mention this for two reasons. For one, a letter has a permanence to it that typical human memories do not. (Excepting, of course, anyone with eidetic memories.) So years from now, when the fallibility of human memory might have managed to soften this episode to something relatively minor and easily shrugged off, a letter will only serve as an unchanging reminder of EXACTLY how things were. It might serve to fan the flames of future fires, and possibly even permanently damage your relationship with her.

And secondly, as Dopey illustrated with her situation, continued exposure eventually renders even the most eccentric things mundane and matter-of-fact. Eventually your MIL, like Dopey, (I really need to know your actual name! Lol) may come to see the name as inextricably linked to your son, part and parcel of who he is. And once that has happened, the current discomfort could quite possibly fade into yet another hazy memory, softened with time.

There are times when letters are indeed the right response to a situation. I just don't think this is one of them.

But, that said, you are certainly right to stand up for your son. I've always believed that a line has to be drawn, respectfully but clearly, between where a relative's well-meaning advice ends and where unacceptable meddling in your parental decisions begin. So when she crosses that line, by all means let her know that it's NOT okay. Calmly. Respectfully. And verbally.

Sorry that turned out so long-winded. I promise when I started this post my intent was two to three lines, tops! Lol!

 

[GW.Joe]

I really need to know your actual name! Lol

Dopey = Mary Lyn

Yea... Me Too Just couldn't call a sweet girl like Mary Lyn "Dopey" LOL

 

[Anansi]

I really need to know your actual name! Lol

Dopey = Mary Lyn

Yea... Me Too Just couldn't call a sweet girl like Mary Lyn "Dopey" LOL

It just felt wrong. Lol!

 

[Dopey]

Dopey is wrong and that's why the name was changed to Houdini (which didn't seem right either) and then to Elsa. She doesn't seem to answer to any of them.

I no longer have the bird. She was a cockatoo that is now at the home of my SIL (extended family) with another cockatoo. It was just the right thing to do.

But I won't be offended if you call me Dopey. It's just the name of the game in a forum.


Kinny - I think writing the letter was the right thing to do. You needed to express your opinions. I'm glad that you had a place to come and let your feelings out. We are just expressing ours. Your feelings aren't wrong they are your feelings.

On another note - how are you today? It's been several days since you brought that little one home. I hope Chad and you are doing well.

 

[Dopey]

I really need to know your actual name! Lol

Dopey = Mary Lyn

Yea... Me Too Just couldn't call a sweet girl like Mary Lyn "Dopey" LOL

That is so sweet of you. Thanks!

 

[Birdman666]

"Dear '**' (Mum),

I've been very tolerant of the things you have said, and I understand that you are going through a hard time at the moment. I am sorry for my comment the other day (I'm sure you remember), we were both a bundle of raging hormones at the times, and sometimes it causes us both to be less than tactful. I wasn't thinking. I just reacted.

You have done so much for us and we are very appreciative. However, I am a mother, and there are some things I personally will not tolerate as a mother.

To be clear, I am very very happy that Chad is a boy and I love him with all that I am just the way he is. His name is and will remain ** 'Chad' ** ** . It is 'him' and I must admit, as odd a name as it is it suits him. I am very glad we didn't have a girl, because I am no longer fond of the name Belaraine and therefor I would have been under far too much pressure to name her that. I quite like it however as a name for a hand-raised female Eclectus.

Yes, I do want ** in his name, but it's not needed. He will always be a Suasua to me, and I can just make him Suar toys etc. I am not ashamed of his name. Chad may be blunt but it suits him, and in all honesty I actually like it, I'm just not 'over the moon' about it.

I have no doubt he will get teased, as will the other two. Teasing occurs everywhere to everyone for everything. It's our job and responsibility as parents to prepare them to be able to deal with all the nastiness of the the world. And we will do all we can to the best of our ability to prepare our kids to one day venture out into the world and know how to cope.

Many people in this world are incredibly self-centred, proud and egotistical. Why on earth would I rename my son to avoid the harshness of such people? Why should I worry what others may think? No matter what his name would be, there will always be people to make fun of him and bully.

I will not be forced to go against our wishes as a family because of a fear of bullying/teasing. That would be so selfish of me.. to change his name purely because others may tease him for it only because it is different. I will not live in fear of others thoughts.

(God) wishes our son to have this name, (husband) wishes it, and now so do I. He is my son, and my husband and I have already picked a name. Please stop disrespecting my child's (your grandson's) name. ** 'Chad' ** ** is his name. If you don't like it that is not my problem, it is yours. As a mother, I will not tolerate 'opinions' of this sort.

You are entitled to your opinion. You are not entitled to force your opinion on others. To tell a Mother what, and/or what not to name her child who has already been named, is in my view very disrespectful, to your son, to me, but most of all to the child themselves. A line has clearly been crossed here, and I need to make you aware of it.

I request that you not tell me (or husband) what we should and shouldn't call our son. Nor do I wish to hear our child's name being insulted because you feel embarrassed by it.

I apologise if i have offended you or caused you harm of any sort. I must however stand up for our children in every way, shape and form.

-with love, Liana"

I have edited it above. See if you like my changes.

Good luck!

I have thought about it, and edited my edits:

"Dear '**' (Mum),

I've been very tolerant of the things you have said, and I understand that you are going through a hard time at the moment. I am sorry for my comment the other day (I'm sure you remember), we were both a bundle of raging hormones at the times, and sometimes it causes us both to be less than tactful. I wasn't thinking. I just reacted. I do respect you. You have done so much for us and we are very appreciative.

However, my husband and I have already picked a name. ** 'Chad' ** ** is his name. To be clear, I am very very happy that Chad is a boy and I love him with all that I am just the way he is. His name is and will remain ** 'Chad' ** ** . It is 'him' and I must admit, as odd a name as it is it suits him.

I am under far too much pressure to change his name. I do not wish to have an ongoing conflict with you over our child's name. You are entitled to your opinion. You are not entitled to force your opinion on others. To tell a Mother what, and/or what not to name her child, where the child has already been named, is in my view very disrespectful, to your son, to me, but most of all to the child. A line has clearly been crossed, and I need to make you aware of it. Please stop disrespecting our right to decide this, and my child's (your grandson's) name.

I understand your concerns. However, no matter what his name, there will always be mean-spirited people that look for a way to make fun of him and bully. Teasing occurs everywhere to everyone for everything. It's our job and responsibility as parents to prepare them to be able to deal with all the nastiness of the the world. And we will do all we can to the best of our ability to prepare our kids to one day venture out into the world and know how to cope. I will not be forced to go against our wishes as a family because of a fear of bullying/teasing. I will not live in fear of what others might (or might not) think.

I apologise if i have offended you or caused you harm of any sort, but this needs to stop. Please understand and try to accept our decision, as my son's name will not be changed.

-with love, Liana"


Better, I think. Shorter, more on point.

 

[Dinosrawr]

If you were to write a letter, I like Mark's shortened version. Very on point, gets your point across quickly. Keep us updated! We're all here for you should things go sour

 

[Kinny]

I have thought about it, and edited my edits:

"Dear '**' (Mum),

I've been very tolerant of the things you have said, and I understand that you are going through a hard time at the moment. I am sorry for my comment the other day (I'm sure you remember), we were both a bundle of raging hormones at the times, and sometimes it causes us both to be less than tactful. I wasn't thinking. I just reacted. I do respect you. You have done so much for us and we are very appreciative.

However, my husband and I have already picked a name. ** 'Chad' ** ** is his name. To be clear, I am very very happy that Chad is a boy and I love him with all that I am just the way he is. His name is and will remain ** 'Chad' ** ** . It is 'him' and I must admit, as odd a name as it is it suits him.

I am under far too much pressure to change his name. I do not wish to have an ongoing conflict with you over our child's name. You are entitled to your opinion. You are not entitled to force your opinion on others. To tell a Mother what, and/or what not to name her child, where the child has already been named, is in my view very disrespectful, to your son, to me, but most of all to the child. A line has clearly been crossed, and I need to make you aware of it. Please stop disrespecting our right to decide this, and my child's (your grandson's) name.

I understand your concerns. However, no matter what his name, there will always be mean-spirited people that look for a way to make fun of him and bully. Teasing occurs everywhere to everyone for everything. It's our job and responsibility as parents to prepare them to be able to deal with all the nastiness of the the world. And we will do all we can to the best of our ability to prepare our kids to one day venture out into the world and know how to cope. I will not be forced to go against our wishes as a family because of a fear of bullying/teasing. I will not live in fear of what others might (or might not) think.

I apologise if i have offended you or caused you harm of any sort, but this needs to stop. Please understand and try to accept our decision, as my son's name will not be changed.

-with love, Liana"


Better, I think. Shorter, more on point.

Oh THANK YOU! That is so much better! Making the point clear as crystal and confronting her without being emotional and aggressive. Thank you very muchly! It sounds perfect. I'll run it by my husband. What is it with Men and being able to find the right words without being 'snappy'.. (I'm assuming you are a Man.. lol)


Thank you Dinosrawr. I agree I shall!

 

[HTTR]

I agree with TheKarens regarding mentioning menopause. I also think the name Chad is a fine and strong male name like Mark or Matt. I also agree with running it by your husband first. Not only is it his Mother, it is also his son. Finally, I would go toe to toe with your MIL. Face to face.

 

[sonja]

Your husband should absolutely be at the forefront of the conversation with his mother. If you both want to address her, fine, but your husband must be involved or I think you will just make matters worse, for the reasons others mentioned above.
If you must send the letter, put your husband's signature on it before yours. But I think a better solution would be for your husband to talk directly to his mother and tell her to stop it, and there will be no further discussion on the matter of the kid's name.

 

[Flboy]

Very old thread, I wonder how it all worked out!