Mental condition conflicting with my interests (more of less passion.) Urhg.

[Sterling1113]

So I learned something new about myself today, or rather put the pieces together.
I have severe anxiety and depression as it is genetic on both sides of the family and from traumatic experiences in the past, so I got the short end of that stick unfortunately. However today I learned about a very particular trigger to said anxiety.
Yoshi screamed for the first time today and it was crippling. Not the volume, I'm sure that wasn't so bad, but really I can't hardly remember it anymore. My body just went into full panic mode. I had to go outside and go for a walk to physically cool myself down as I was having heat flashes from the near-panic attack(Not good when pregnant.) And even still I sat on the patio until my boyfriend got home, because I couldn't just sit in the room with him, so (irrationally..) scared that it would happen again.
At first I was really taken back and surprised by my reaction but it makes sense to an extent. I have an anxiety of thunder, but not storms. Certain alarms, and sirens(I.E fire alarm, carbon monoxide alarm, etc) and some alarm clocks I just can't stand. I can't sleep if I'm expecting anything other than my vibrating alarm in my pillow.

This is an issue. I absolutely hate the thought of living in constant fear of the sounds this bird is capable of making. I was well prepared for it, or so I thought, until it happened, and that was really unexpected.
I have no idea what to do to help it, and I'm worried it will hurt my building bond with him, or worse lead to re-homing him to someone who's a little bit more.. err.. for lack of a better word, mentally healthy than I am.
I'm absolutely heartbroken. I was really excited to watch him grow, and my irrational anxiety is getting in the way. I can try housing him at my parents house about a mile away from me temporarily, where if he's loud I can leave the room rather than go outside, but that's just a temporary fix.
I'm going to see how it goes tomorrow (Not even if he screams, cause that's a matter of 'when' not 'if', but how my stress levels are) and sort of go from there.
Really nervous and upset by this. I'm hoping it's something I can overcome but I don't know how to even start fixing something like that.

 

[MikeyTN]

Sorry to hear that.....ekkies can be very loud when they scream!!! Mine only screams when there's strangers around. As they never scream otherwise, only chatter constantly....

 

[Sterling1113]

Sorry to hear that.....ekkies can be very loud when they scream!!! Mine only screams when there's strangers around. As they never scream otherwise, only chatter constantly....

His was louder than any house alarm/fire alarm I've ever heard. It doesn't help that all it did was echo in my apartment, it was like 5-7 consecutive squawks and then he stopped. Plus I have no idea what triggered it, and I know there isn't really a way to 'prevent' it from happening again, since any number of things could cause it. Even just sitting here I'm paranoid. I hate it.

 

[noblemacaw]

I use to have a Soloman Island Eclectus. He did scream but once he learned to talk the screaming to communicate pretty much ended. When he lost his ability to speak because the virus moved to his brain and took that away he screamed...he screamed a LOT and I just could not take it. I almost rehomed him but I knew that was not fair to him because he was at his end of life due to the disease. I stuck it out. I had too for his sake. I will say Joaquin's screams never triggered me badly.

Valentino's screams are a different matter. They ALWAYS trigger me and I do suffer from panic attacks. I have always been very sensitive to noise for example on the 4th of July when I was a kid I always spent it in the basement so I could get away from firecrackers. I never have been able to watch fireworks live at all. They are just too loud.

When Valentino screams it is like knives stabbing into my brain and I get so pissed off I just want to snap his neck. Of course I would never do that but with the high level of stress I am experiencing lately I just can't handle his screams. Yelling back at him will NOT help. I leave the room when I get bad. I will say since Valentino learned to speak he mostly speaks to me his wants and will communicate with words but he can and does still scream. Especially if I have made him wait. I try not to make him wait very long and I do reward him when he is quiet. His screams are getting less but I do realize baby RFM's do scream a LOT. I would say since I got out of the hospital and have been home on a consistent basis his screaming has lessened.

How do I handle Valentino's screams triggering me. I leave the room. I live in a two story home so I can go upstairs and the screams heard from the upstairs lesson the trigger for me. If I am close to him and he screams loudly I can't help but yell back at him but that is my failing and even though I know that I can't help it at that time.

Sometimes I think that I will have to rehome him because I can't live with the screams because they trigger me so badly. Then Valentino will look at me and say "I love you" in a endearing voice or when we have our cuddle sessions I know then I could never rehome him. I need to learn to handle the trigger and address the severity of it. I need to train myself not to react to his screams which is very hard for me.

My hope is that once my stress levels go down I can handle the screams better. Right now I can't handle anything so I know it is not his fault but my own.

 

[Sterling1113]

noblemacaw: I definitely feel your pain. I can't really leave the room in my apartment though, the noise won't get any quieter no matter where I go, so my only option is to go outside, weather permitting. We don't have too much of a bond as I only got him about a week ago but it breaks my heart because I was so excited to bring him home and give him the life he deserves (He's 3 years old, and was living in a small cage with only a couple toys and seed mix in a very loud bird breeder room.) But now because of this I can't hardly be in the same room as him without being insanely paranoid at every noise he makes, even though I know how irrational that is. I know he probably doesn't care for me very much but I definitely care for this bird and I want him to be somewhere that he will be fully taken care of and spoiled like a bird should be. (Not to an unhealthy extent, of course.) I don't know how I'm going to handle the 9 hours alone with him tomorrow, I'm going to *have* to find somewhere to go for atleast a few hours to get out of the apartment.. buh. I feel so bad, like I failed him.

 

[Betrisher]

Sterling1113 and Rebecca, have you tried Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for your panic attacks, especially with regard to noise aversion? Honestly and truly, it's very effective and helps massively when GAD is part of the equation. I know medical and therapeutic treatments don't just fall off trucks in the US, but if you can, see if there's a well-reputed CBT specialist to work with. In my own experience, it doesn't make the panic go away, but it helps you manage it so that it doesn't matter to the extent you're a screaming heap on the floor (exaggerating, but you both know what I mean).

I get minor anxiety when the Beakies are out and when they shriek in the mornings and afternoons - but - I know how to manage it and can shove it down into a place where I can choose to look at it later when I'm ready. CBT and stress management techniques, when used together, can make a big difference to your quality of life.

Try to remember: it's not the bird that's making you anxious, it's anxiety making you anxious and anxiety can be managed over time. The other thing (which I tell my kids all the time) is that nothing is worth worrying about: worry is like a magnifier for our troubles and never gives a true picture of what's really going on. The bloke who wrote that song was absolutely correct when he said 'Don't worry: be happy'!

 

[Kiwibird]

I'm sorry to hear you're having this kind of reaction to your new baby While I have never issues with Kiwi's squawking, I did suffer from severe anxiety attacks and impulsive reactions triggered by different situations for years. What I have found to be extremely helpful is "desensitizing" myself to my triggers in a controlled manner. It was a lot easier for me to break the mental link between harmful situations and harmless triggers when I was in full control of the situation and able to "psych" myself up for the trigger coming. I won't lie and say that the switch doesn't sometimes flip, but after going through a rationalization process a thousand times in a controlled circumstance, it is a lot easier to fall back on that rational thought process and not go into a full blown anxiety attack in an uncontrolled circumstance.

One thing I can think of that might help in your situation is to have a friend or family member who can handle the screaming to record it. That way, you can play back the recording as many times as you need to help you break that link in your brain that correlates your bird making noise to whatever it is that triggers your anxiety over it. Since it is a bird, you can't exactly make him scream on command, nor would you want to encourage that, but a recording gives you control over the situation. It would give you the ability to play it back when you are mentally prepared to go over in your head all the reasons the screaming bird is not a threat, is not going to force you to relive a traumatic experience and that it is a normal and harmless sound in your everyday life. You would also have the ability to hit pause if it becomes too much to handle at first. Given the situation, it may also be a good idea for someone to temporarily take in the bird until you can confront and overcome the anxiety the screaming gives you, and if it really comes down to it, you may have to rehome him. You wouldn't need to feel guilt over that, as you weren't negligent and some things are unexpected and entirely out of your control.

However (just being truthful), your anxiety is something you seriously need to work on. If everyday sounds like alarms or a screaming bird triggers full on panic attacks, you can't live like that long term. It's not healthy, nor is it fair to yourself and those you love. If you are unable to overcome the issue yourself trying techniques at home, there is no shame in seeking professional help. What you can't do is ignore it, because it isn't going to get better that way. I wish you the best of luck with your bird and with your mental well being.

 

[mtdoramike]

Yes, Ekkies, have a very loud scream that I think could break glass given the right situation. But what concerns me even more than your recent episode is, how are you going to react when a screaming crying baby is alone in the room with you?

 

[mtdoramike]

I would also like to add here that this doesn't get better with Ekkies and their scream. It is usually an alert scream letting you know of a danger or at least what they perceive as a danger. So if you are having this kind of reaction, you may have a decision to make as far as whether to keep him or not.

 

[riddick07]

I wouldn't know the first thing about any of this but if echoing just compounded your reaction then you can try dampening curtains like you would find in a theater. They should help keep the sound from echoing too badly. Also, covering the floor with a rug if its hardwood, even a book case with a lot of objects. Basically anything to interrupt and diffuse the sound waves helps with echoing.

I hope you can find a way to make it work!

 

[labell]

I am so sorry. When people ask me about getting eclectus I always bring up the alarm call because while it doesn't happen often even with as many as I have, it is a shocker when it does. It's really impossible to adequately convey what it sounds like. I have said that it's enough to make your eye lashes singe, your ears bleed and peel the paint off the walls. These birds are so observant that sometimes it can be something outside that you didn't even see that sets them off. Thank goodness it is usually just a few short bursts and it is done.
I really am torn about what to suggest, there is no way to stop it and there is no way to predict when it will happen. I liked the earlier post about trying to desensitize yourself to it but only you know if that's something that could work for you. If you know in your heart it is something you won't be able to move past then I reluctantly think it maybe better to find a new home for him now before he becomes really comfortable there and then has to be re-homed.
Again I am sorry you are going through this. I am sensitive to some sounds, ambulances make me cover my ears but I know that's because as a little girl I almost died many times and was taken by ambulance to the hospital. Crying babies can make me lose it. I have to leave a store or place where a baby is crying non-stop. I was lucky that my son was the happiest baby ever, people always commented on how outgoing and happy he was, he barely cried with getting shots even!
I know this must be heart breaking but you have to think of your health and your unborn baby, remember they experience all the emotions right along with mommy. Those fear chemicals that are released in you are also going through your baby now as well.

 

[labell]

Something else that I just thought of is I wonder and would maybe ask your doctor if I were you is whether your condition will make you predisposed to post postpartum depression. I had my son in 1983 long before it was talked about or much was known. I wouldn't have even considered sharing the awful thoughts and images that went through my mind with ANYONE. It was something that I truly suffered in silence over. The shame and constant worry that I was losing my mind was awful!
Having a SOB for a husband didn't help, but I can tell you if I had to deal with one more thing on top of the depression I don't know what I might have done. Believe it or not the only thing that kept me sane was breastfeeding, I know now that the body releases a calming, bonding hormone while feeding your baby and I truly believe that saved me. I wish you well and hope that you can overcome this, if you can't please don't beat yourself up, or feel guilt, it won't help you or your baby.

 

[Sterling1113]

Thanks everyone for the replies: My insurance actually covers mental health, to an extent, so maybe I can find a good therapist or psychologist that is covered for me. It just upsets me that it happened to that extent. I'm at my parents right now, I couldn't even sleep last night and the thought of being alone for 9 hours is really terrifying to me right now even though It's what I'm used to. I explained to my dad and his girlfriend why I'm such a mess and that it's not my boyfriends fault (Which, you know how dads are..) and he said to bring the bird over here, and he will stay here *atleast* until my pregnancy is over. I can set him up in my old room, and it's only a mile away from my apartment so I can walk over whenever given the weather is nice.
Please don't bash on me for it: but unless something changes (I.E win the lottery and get a house and not have to worry about bills) We're going to adopt my son out to a lovely couple we know who cannot conceive and have been ready for over 4 years for a baby. This way we don't have to worry about the foster home horror stories you hear about, and we can keep in contact, atleast minimally until he grows up enough to decide he wants to meet his biological parents, and then we'll be there. We just aren't ready emotionally(Clearly) OR financially, and we think this is a safer alternative for ourselves and our relationship. Thank you for all the support and I'm going to do my best to NOT rehome Yoshi, because it isn't his fault. He will still get the care and love he deserves (Now also from a couple different people too!) So we will take it from there and see how things go in June I suppose..

 

[getwozzy]

Sterling, I just wanted to commend you for your bravery- giving a child to a couple who cannot conceive their own is one of the most selfless acts a person can make. It takes a heck of a lot of courage to make that kind of decision. **HUGS**

IMHO you need to take care of YOU first, and I think it's a wonderful idea to keep Yoshi at your parent's house for a bit. I think you will find that there are PLENTY of us here on this forum, myself included, that suffer from depression, anxiety, and all these unfortunate mental diseases. I hope you do find a therapist who can help you manage your anxiety and depression, but we will all be here for you if you need us.

 

[labell]

My goodness I would hope this isn't the kind of forum that anyone would "bash" you for making the decision that is best for your child. No one has the right and I am afraid my Scottish temper would flare at anyone who tried. What a selfless loving act, I applaud you for knowing what is best for your baby and wanting that over people who are clearly not ready and keep a baby for selfish reasons and then fail at being good parents. Hugs to you, I am so glad your dad is willing to take Yoshi in now and give you some peace of mind and that he will be close enough for you to still bond with him!

 

[Sterling1113]

Thanks guys, I'm glad you feel that way. It's shocking how many people out there feel like a child absolutely needs to stay with the biological parents no matter what. I have a long day ahead of me since I didn't really sleep last night so I'll come back later tonight if I get Yoshi moved today and whatnot. Thanks again, it really helps me have some peace of mind.

 

[Terry57]

When I was pregnant with my son, any loud noises at all made me feel my head was going to explode! My ex hubby and I went to a Foreigner concert and I spent the entire concert outside the auditorium as I could not stand the loudness.
You need to do what is best for you right now, and as soon as I gave birth I was fine with loud noises again.
I think that what you are doing for your baby is such a wonderful & selfless thing, and I cannot imagine anyone trying to make you feel bad about that.
Please let us know how Yoshi is doing with your parents

 

[noblemacaw]

I commend you for doing what you think is best to take care of yourself. People don't seem to understand that a person needs to be able to take care of themselves first so they can be able to extend themselves for others.

You have taken care of the situation with your Eclectus and found a situation for him that will work for all involved. It seems he will get a lot more attention with the new location and that is very good.

I wish you nothing but the best for you to have a successful, safe and healthy pregnancy and great success with your decision involving your son. How can someone be judgemental to a mother that only wants what is best for the baby. I am sure the decision to adopt out your son could not of been easy decision to make but I am sure you possess great courage for being able to make such a decision.

Now if only I had half the courage and bravery you have I could accomplish so much more.

 

[RavensGryf]

I think that is a selfless and mature decision and wonderful that you can make another couple happy.

Look at it this way... If you do feel that rehoming Yoshi is best, don't feel bad. Why? Because you just got him out of a terrible situation. No matter where he ends up, it will be a good home for him because I know you'll make sure of that
No matter what happens, I wish you and Yoshi the best!

 

[Sadie13]

Sorry if i am a little late here...i just wanted to let you know you aren't alone when i comes to life altering irrational fear.
I cant drive....i'm 28
i go into full blown anxiety attack even just sitting in a drivers seat....
i want to drive in the worst way but i just cant (yeah i tried Valium) to no avail....

just a month ago i began seeing a psychotherapist/ hypnotherapist who works with fear and anxiety. after only a few sessions i am already feeling a bit more confident in myself and i am going to go take my permit test in the next week...so i can legally freak out in the drivers seat lol

maybe looking one up in your area could greatly benefit you as well

good luck!