A pirate walks into a bar with a resplendent parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says "By God that's wonderful ! Where did you get him? " .
The parrot replied " The Caribbean ! There's thousands of them".
How does a pirate keep his parrot on his shoulder?
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish-washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to the parrot!"
When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lays there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
A lady took her parrot into the Veterinary Clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? Isn't there some kind of test you can do?. He might be in a coma or something."
The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room. Returning in a few moments with a beautiful black dog. As the bird's owner looked on in surprise, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes, whimpered and shook his head.
The Vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a large tabby cat. The cat jumped up on the table and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed a sad meow, and ran out of the room.
The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead."
As the woman was returning to the lobby the assistant handed her a bill for three hundred fifty dollars!
She read the bill and shrieked "THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!" "THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird is dead???!!!"
The Vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been fifty bucks.
But then you asked for the Lab Report and the Cat Scan... !!!
A man goes into the bird store and sees this wonderful parrot and decides he simply must have him. He asks the shopkeeper how much the bird costs and the shop keeper tells him the bird is $10,000.00. The man is in shock and asks "how can you justify such a high price!?" The shopkeeper tells the man that the parrot has this great trick. If you light a match and put it under his right foot, he sings "Jingle Bells", and if you put it under his left foot he sings "Frosty the Snowman". The man asked the shopkeeper to demonstrate, as he didn't believe him. The shopkeeper obliged and the parrot performed exactly as the shopkeeper said he would. Since it was Christmas time, the man decided to purchase the bird and bring him home. A few days later, the man was having a Christmas party and showed off the parrot's skills to his guests. As expected, the parrot performed again exactly as the shopkeeper said he would. Then one of the party guests got an idea and lit a match and held it between the parrot's legs. The parrot then began singing "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."