Hi just wanna say this is a deeply sad sensitive story and i donāt wanna bring anyone down so this is just a heads-up
i donāt know why i resorted to the internet but i feel horrible and writing this may help me process
i hope this doesnāt come off as me trying to make it about myself but i truly donāt know how to live after this i feel a heavy guilt. sorry if this sounds incoherent iām in lost of words
i have 2 Budgies one is 3 years old and one that i got a couple months ago cause my old bird started showing signs of loneliness and going crazy when she hear the birds out door. any way i live in a pretty save environment ( ironic) with my family members where all sources of heat are central and we donāt have water bodies so i like to let them out to play around the house since that they canāt fly.
i know deep down it was dangerous but it will break my heart to see them scream from their cages to let them out . they play together all the time they are like old and young brother what my old bird dose my young bird ( mochi ) dose too .
mochi is a very quiet and peaceful bird and his big sister have a big personality and she leads him all the time . i spend most of the times on the second floor and i mostly have them with me but sometimes when iām working or doing something i keep them at the living room down stairs so that my parents can keep an eye on them. they know how to go up the stairs and where to find me they are very smart birds
my bird mochi loves to play up the stairs where i keep my vacuum because he loves jumping the wires
today i was playing with my phone and i heard them screaming in the stairs. i was so focused on the game because my internet was weak and i was getting frustrated i go out side my room and find one of my birds ( the old one ) on the couch outside and my first thought was that my bird mochi most have gone upstairs cause this is where he usually go when he go up the stairs or heās still in the living room downstairs. i didnāt give it much thought i went and sat next to my other bird on the couch and continued to play.a couple minutes go by and i didnāt hear his voice down stairs so i went to the upstairs where the vacuum is to check it heās sleeping their. didnāt find him.
i stormed the house looking for him screaming his name i had a sinking feeling that something bad happened. after i looked all around the house i went back to where i was sitting. yes you gussed it. there was a newly washed fitted sheet on the couch where i sat. i found mochiās corpse under where i was sitting in the couch crack. i thought he was just suffocated i tock him in my hand freaked out to do cpr and i realized that his neck was broken. i did that. i killed my baby. i knew that they had a habit of going under the sheets but i didnāt check. it wasnāt their sleep time why would i check. dumb me .
i screamed for an hour until my sound was gone and felt my soul going through my mouth. nothing can undo this. nothing can bring my baby back. i didnāt know what to do but i still thought about myself. i thought i need to process and deal with it fast since i have depression and this is gonna make me go into a very dark bath. it didnāt work . i took him to the car i wrapped him with the sheet i was sitting on.i didnāt know what to do and how to grief and if i have the right to. i buried him . i wrote an apology letter like a dumb kid just to make myself feel better. didnāt work ether i killed my pet. i killed the one thing that i was taking care off . taking care is funny word in this context. the vet told me to burn him but how can i hurt him more ? i donāt know how to live with myself i feel guilty for breathing eating and sleeping. i feel like such a bad person and parent to the point where iām thinking about giving my other bird to someone professional who can take care of animals.
this feeling may never go away and i fully think i deserve it. when i went to the vet i heard the birds there i knew that every time i hear i bird i will remember how i killed my pet and how avoidable it was if i was a more careful person. i remember everytime i paid more attention to his sister more than him i will remember how an amazing polite of a bird he was and he will be if he had a more responsible owner. with anyone really giving that the chances of anyone killing his pet is slim .
i canāt describe my feelings.iām so so so so so so deeply sorry i wish i never existed i wish i never bought you i wish someone else did iām so so so sorry mochi rest in peace i loved you so much you brought things within me that no human could ever bring. you made me a happier person and this is how i pay back .
RIP mochiā¦
i donāt know why i resorted to the internet but i feel horrible and writing this may help me process
i hope this doesnāt come off as me trying to make it about myself but i truly donāt know how to live after this i feel a heavy guilt. sorry if this sounds incoherent iām in lost of words
i have 2 Budgies one is 3 years old and one that i got a couple months ago cause my old bird started showing signs of loneliness and going crazy when she hear the birds out door. any way i live in a pretty save environment ( ironic) with my family members where all sources of heat are central and we donāt have water bodies so i like to let them out to play around the house since that they canāt fly.
i know deep down it was dangerous but it will break my heart to see them scream from their cages to let them out . they play together all the time they are like old and young brother what my old bird dose my young bird ( mochi ) dose too .
mochi is a very quiet and peaceful bird and his big sister have a big personality and she leads him all the time . i spend most of the times on the second floor and i mostly have them with me but sometimes when iām working or doing something i keep them at the living room down stairs so that my parents can keep an eye on them. they know how to go up the stairs and where to find me they are very smart birds
my bird mochi loves to play up the stairs where i keep my vacuum because he loves jumping the wires
today i was playing with my phone and i heard them screaming in the stairs. i was so focused on the game because my internet was weak and i was getting frustrated i go out side my room and find one of my birds ( the old one ) on the couch outside and my first thought was that my bird mochi most have gone upstairs cause this is where he usually go when he go up the stairs or heās still in the living room downstairs. i didnāt give it much thought i went and sat next to my other bird on the couch and continued to play.a couple minutes go by and i didnāt hear his voice down stairs so i went to the upstairs where the vacuum is to check it heās sleeping their. didnāt find him.
i stormed the house looking for him screaming his name i had a sinking feeling that something bad happened. after i looked all around the house i went back to where i was sitting. yes you gussed it. there was a newly washed fitted sheet on the couch where i sat. i found mochiās corpse under where i was sitting in the couch crack. i thought he was just suffocated i tock him in my hand freaked out to do cpr and i realized that his neck was broken. i did that. i killed my baby. i knew that they had a habit of going under the sheets but i didnāt check. it wasnāt their sleep time why would i check. dumb me .
i screamed for an hour until my sound was gone and felt my soul going through my mouth. nothing can undo this. nothing can bring my baby back. i didnāt know what to do but i still thought about myself. i thought i need to process and deal with it fast since i have depression and this is gonna make me go into a very dark bath. it didnāt work . i took him to the car i wrapped him with the sheet i was sitting on.i didnāt know what to do and how to grief and if i have the right to. i buried him . i wrote an apology letter like a dumb kid just to make myself feel better. didnāt work ether i killed my pet. i killed the one thing that i was taking care off . taking care is funny word in this context. the vet told me to burn him but how can i hurt him more ? i donāt know how to live with myself i feel guilty for breathing eating and sleeping. i feel like such a bad person and parent to the point where iām thinking about giving my other bird to someone professional who can take care of animals.
this feeling may never go away and i fully think i deserve it. when i went to the vet i heard the birds there i knew that every time i hear i bird i will remember how i killed my pet and how avoidable it was if i was a more careful person. i remember everytime i paid more attention to his sister more than him i will remember how an amazing polite of a bird he was and he will be if he had a more responsible owner. with anyone really giving that the chances of anyone killing his pet is slim .
i canāt describe my feelings.iām so so so so so so deeply sorry i wish i never existed i wish i never bought you i wish someone else did iām so so so sorry mochi rest in peace i loved you so much you brought things within me that no human could ever bring. you made me a happier person and this is how i pay back .
RIP mochiā¦
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