Peaches has passed

[Skittys_Daddy]

I told my therapist that I felt guilty for not doing more to save her or prolong her life. But she wasn't the Peaches I remember and hasn't been for quite a few years. It felt like I was losing her in stages and it just prolonged the suffering. I feel guilty for feeling relieved that she is passed.

I went through similar feelings when my grandmother passed as well as my father. Both were in a lot of pain. But I didn't get the feelings of guilt after. I knew they wanted to go. With Peaches, I've no way of knowing how she felt, did she know how much I love her and how much she'll be missed? I wish I had one more chance to say that. I didn't the night she passed. I wish I had.

After what I went through with my 11 y/o budgie Sammy and doing everything I could to prolong his life (which only led to prolonging his suffering) I didn't want to do that to Peaches. I didn't want to prolong her suffering and I thought I'd have to have her put down this Spring

I told my therapist that so many days I would say to myself, enough of this already. It was like having a bandaid slowly pulled off and I just wanted it over and done with. I just got used to pretending it wasn't happening and going on with my day. I guess it was how I coped. I don't know.

I just hope that wherever she is, that Sammy is keeping her company. I like to think of that. The two of them, together. She's not alone.

 

[Allee]

Jonathan, please try not to feel guilty. All the emotions you are feeling are normal. You took care of Peaches and loved her for her whole life, she knew she was loved. It's hard to watch a beloved pet age and those last years are more difficult because you see all the subtle changes, they aren't instant but they are very real. Many owners take their pets to shelters or rescue organizations when they show the first signs of aging, it happens every day. You didn't do that, Jonathan. You were a loving and responsible parront to Peaches, that never changed.

I love the thought of Peaches and Sammy together with all our forum flock members who are beyond the rainbow bridge.

 

[Doublete]

I'm very sorry.

 

[Skittys_Daddy]

@Allee I'm feeling much better today, considering. Talking with my therapist as well as my friend/neighbor next door last night was very helpful. So has this forum been.

I think the biggest issue for me is managing the flurry of emotions. I haven't been able to cry yet, which isn't like me. But I think it's because I have so many emotions going on that I can't cry. It's not that I feel you have to cry to be grieving. Not that at all, I just find crying very therapeutic and its often been a great release for me. So the fact that I can't, is bothersome. But there is that old saying "the well of my grief is too deep for tears".

But I couldn't cry after my dad passed either. My sister called me to tell me he had passed (he was in hospice and we knew it was only a matter of days). I'll be honest, I was relieved.

It's the same way I feel about Peaches. If anything, it went on for too long with her. But I think she held on until she knew for sure I'd be taken care of. I like to think that.

I too like to picture her and Sammy together. It's consoling. She knows I'm not alone because I have Skittles. I know she's not alone cause she has Sammy.

They're probably up their cackling away and poking fun at all the silly things they see us 'humans' do that don't make sense to them. But Peaches never was the mocking kind. That's more Skittles alley.

 

[WilliamKenyon]

Oh no that's so sad . I hope you feel better soon. At least she lived a long and happy life with you and skittles.

 

[Skittys_Daddy]

This is the second night in a row I've not been able to sleep.

I've spent the past half hour reading online stories from all around about other people who've had cockatiels pass around the age that Peaches did. It's comforting to know that others have had tiels that long and they've passed.

I had always hoped Peaches would live into her 30s. I was going over photos I have of her on my PC and I notice that the last photoshoot I did of her was in March of 2010. I got Skittles in April of 2011. Peaches had begun to withdraw about 6mos prior. In those last photos you can tell she had aged. Especially when compared to other photos I have of her.

For the first 11 years of her life, she was not properly fed a good diet and got lots of respiratory infections. In 2006, I changed her diet to Harrisons and she made a huge rebound. I got nearly another ten years with her that I know I would not have had if I hadn't changed her diet.

Skittles was a little over a year old when I got him and he took right to the Harrisons. I'm doing everything I can to ensure he gets the best care and treatment. By the time Skittles passes, I'll be an old man. That's comforting.

 

[Skittys_Daddy]

I was watching an episode of "Derek" on Netflix. It's the episode where his favorite dog 'Ivor' has to be put down. This song plays in the background of the episode near the end. I just find that this song hits all the right notes.

[ame="https://youtu.be/JMh78jF-fMQ"]Glen Campbell "A Better Place" (Official Video) - YouTube[/ame]

 

[Skittys_Daddy]

Well, I was finally able to do it. I managed to cry. That's the good news, and it really got the tension and pressure off my chest. The bad news is, I couldn't stop. Then I couldn't breathe. So I called my neighbor and I went over there and after about 20 minutes of hysterical crying, it stopped.

Now, I just feel such a sense of peace and release.Maybe I'll finally get a decent nights sleep tonight. It's hard to sleep in the bedroom, that's where Peaches was.

It will be even better once I have her ashes and set up her memorial in my bedroom. I will put her memorial next to Sammy's.

 

[stacy.jolley]

Johnathon, you remind me so much of myself. I, too, take the loss of one of my "pets" extremely hard. Just recently, my pit bull, Bella, was diagnosed with cancer and I have just been paralyzed with grief. I cannot afford extraordinary life prolonging treatments for her and, as a result, have decided to provide "comfort care" and pain management until she requires euthanasia. I have always provided her with a loving, warm home and I try to remind myself of that but sometimes its little comfort. I know, in my heart, that she knows how deeply she is loved and will be missed and all I can do is continue to love and pamper her for whatever time we have left together. I am so very, very sorry for you loss and I pray that you find peace and comfort during this difficult time.

 

[Skittys_Daddy]

@Stacy Thank you SO much for your kind post. It means a lot.

When I was telling a friend of mine how much I needed to cry, they were a bit puzzled, telling me that while society has put this 'idea' that in order to be in mourning you have to 'fall apart' or ball your eyes out or you're not really sad. While I agree that society does put these labels on people, it in no way reflects the actual truth.

I know people grieve in different ways and the way in which a person grieves in no way reflects the depth of their grief. But for me, my way of expressing grief is through crying. I find it very relieving and cleansing. It is what I need to purge myself of the emotion packed inside. I felt it building and building and it got to the point where it felt like someone was sitting on my chest and I was finding myself trying to force it out.

A friend of mine told me I can't do that. It doesn't work that way. It will happen when it happens. She also told me it will likely hit me when I least expect it and like a ton of bricks. Boy was she right.

I was listening to 'A Broken Wing' by Martina McBride and when she hit that final note, that was it. The damn came flooding down. I felt so much better after. Now I do feel the tension building again, and I know that once I get Peaches ashes back and properly lay her to 'rest', I'll begin to find closure.

For me, one of the hardest things has been the guilt I feel for the decisions I made regarding Peaches. She was not doing well, her balance was way off and she was having difficulty perching and I considered all the options. While it would have been difficult, it would not have been impossible to get her to the vet. But Peaches hated traveling and always ended up in distress on the way there but especially on the way back. What if she passed due to the stress? Or the exam? How would I cope with that? The vet had mentioned some procedures they could do, including a crop flush or a hormone injection and I just didn't like the idea of exposing her to any major procedures or risks. She's vomited on vets before and injured herself as well. Given her age, her unsteadiness, her stressing over vets and the fact she was eating and drinking normally, I chose to let nature take its course rather than take any extreme measures.

I need to find peace with that. Luckily, every pet owner I know in my RL, including my therapist understands the choice I made and agrees with me. Though that doesn't completely assuage the guilt, it at least doesn't compound it.

I made the mistake of taking measures to prolong the life of my budgie, Sammy, and it only led to him suffering longer than he needed too. I didn't want that to happen with Peaches. Had she been younger and not showing so many signs of aging I would have handled it differently.

I questioned whether getting Skittles affected Peaches in a negative way. Hormonally, that is. I began to doubt my choices. A friend of mine told me this in an email a few days back and it really touched me. This is what she said:

NO, it was NOT wrong to get Skittles. He came into your life when you needed him so much. You were meant to find each other and he's been so good for you. Peaches simply did not have the same needs as Skittles. That doesn't mean you didn't meet the needs she had.

 

[PetoftheDay]

You are in my thoughts. Everyone expresses grief differently, and it is different for each person and each animal. Grief is a wild beast, it does not come in neat stages, and it cannot be tamed. One must simply live through it. Do not question yourself, you did everything you could, and nothing could ever make up for the poor care she received before you. Whenever self-doubt begins to creep in, make an effort to stop, get a pen and paper and write down a happy memory of Skittles. And I bet soon they will out umber your doubts.








I know grief, today makes 8 months since my husband's death by suicide.

 

[Skittys_Daddy]

Thank you.

I am sorry to hear about your husband. I can't imagine what that grief is like. A dear friend of mine's father committed suicide right in front of her.

Peaches was picked up today by the lady from the crematorium. I 'should' be getting her back later this week. I got to see the type of urn she'll be in as well as the accompanying certificates and I am happy with my decision. I'll be more at peace when I can lay her to rest and have a memorial for her.

Don't get me wrong, I don't "regret" getting Skittles. I wouldn't undo that for the world. So much of my life has changed for the better and each of those changes is thanks in part to him. I just tend to doubt whether or not I handled his effect on her hormones the best way. But that's what we do. We question, we doubt but when it comes down to it I don't feel the guilt I would feel if I blamed myself for her death. I feel the guilt for not doing enough. I have come to realize there is a difference.

I know this might sound corny. But a couple of weeks ago, I was wishing that 'The Shining' would come to Netflix streaming (I'm a HUGE Stephen King fan and it's my favorite horror movie) . I used to watch that in my bedroom at night while watching tv in bed. In my bedroom is where Peaches cage was. Now it's suddenly on Netflix streaming even though it was not announced as an addition. I think it was Peaches 'subtle' way of telling me she knows I love her.

 

[Skittys_Daddy]

I got an email from the lady at the cremation service. I should be getting Peaches back tomorrow afternoon. I am grateful for that.

It will give me a chance to go to the store before the weekend and get some things I will need for her memorial (but need the urn back first).

I will post pictures of her memorial when I have it.

 

[Skittys_Daddy]

I'm not really sure if this is going to help or not, but at this point I'm willing to try anything.

It's been a month and a half since Peaches passed and with each passing day it seems to be getting harder and harder.

I've been struggling to not fall apart and I'm getting to the point where I don't know how much longer I can hold it together.

My doctor added an additional dose of an anti-depressant to help but it's not working much anymore.

I feel like someone scooped out my soul and left me to die and I just wish they'd finish the job.

I'm frightened because I know how much Skittles depends on me and I'm fighting to be there for him but its just so hard.

I know he senses my pain, I can't help but think that's why he's taken to his new cuddling habit (in my shirt), but I just miss his big sister so much.

I thought these things get better in time, but it seems to not be the case.

I see my therapist tomorrow, but with the storm coming I'm not sure the office will be open. I plan on sending her an email.

I have pictures of Peaches all around the house and it hurts so much to see her picture but I can't take them down.

I just want to hold her one last time. Just one last time to tell her how much I love her. This past week has been a living hell and it's now leading to severe physical discomfort.

I just don't know what to do and I just needed to get this out.

 

[RavensGryf]

Oh Jonathan, I feel so bad for you . My advice would be to take down pics of Peaches temporarily. Photos and anything of hers that is a visual reminder. I think that seeing them might subconsciously be adding to the pain. I do hope that your therapist office is open tomorrow. Will she be there by phone to provide counseling if the office is closed from the weather? I cannot even imagine, as I have an older bird who is unlike any other I've ever had. I've had him decades too, so I do understand where you're coming from. Hugs and prayers to you. Skittles needs his daddy, and is doing everything he can to try and lift you up through this most difficult time.

 

[Mariar]

Sorry your feeling sad Jonathan, I understand. Death isn't easy.i wrote a lot after doolie died,a lot on this forum too.
Sending you a big Ol hug!!

 

[Skittys_Daddy]

I emailed my therapist and she got back to me this afternoon. She is not allowed to do phone sessions but if her office is closed due to the storm she is going to call me to check in and we can reschedule for another day this week, but HOPEFULLY I can get in tomorrow.

She gave me a couple phone numbers. One for crisis, one for support. I don't like the crisis hotline. I've had a LOT of bad experiences with that one so I may try the support line.

What's hard for me is that I talk about my birds ALL the time. I talk about them with strangers and friends and whenever an opportunity pops up that I can mention my birds, I do so. Down side is, so often people will ask me how the birds are and even by name. It surprises me how people I hardly know or have only met once or twice will remember my babies names.

 

[RavensGryf]

I hope you can get in for your session too. If not, the support line definitely sounds like a good option.

 

[Skittys_Daddy]

I got an email from my therapist and she IS in the office today so I am going to be able to have a session which should help immensely.

My PCP, my therapist and my psychiatrist are ALL major animal lovers and that really helps.

People who don't have animals in their life usually see 'pets' as just that- pets. Like something that can be replaced. They really aren't. They are companion animals. Hence, the word 'companion'. When you lose one, you are losing more than a pet, you are losing a friend. Or in my case, losing Peaches was like losing a daughter.

I literally see Skittles as a son. I honestly could not love him more if he were actually human. It scares me that I love him that much. It's just him and I now and I find myself being even more protective.

 

[Terry57]

I am so very sorry for your loss Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm glad you can get in to see your therapist, I hope she is able to help some.