Peaches has passed

[gracebowen]

Jonathan I think you should think about letting yourself break down. Go ahead and fall apart for a few days. Just make sure you give skittles basic care those days.



Sadness and depression are part of the grieving process. Maybe instead of holding it back you will feel better after you let it out.

 

[Scott]

Jonathan, have you brought Peaches home yet, and if so has the physical presence helped a bit?

Wonder if your care team has tried different therapies with you? There are many helpful techniques in the talk-therapy arsenal in addition to useful meds.

Sorry you are having such despair and hope you find relief soon.

 

[Doublete]

I have struggled with depression off and on since I was 16.

The first race horse I owned and trained in 2002 ended up being diagnosed with something called "wobblers" which is more or less irreversible and nothing can be done. He was euthanized. My heart broke. I had nightmares. My then fiancé left me because I couldn't get out of bed. I think that is what started the worst of my depression. Any time
I lose an animal my heart breaks. Unfortunately it happens when you have race horses (injury etc).. Also when your animal head count is almost 40.... Odds of losing one every year or so goes dramatically up...


So I understand. And I'm sorry.

I hope you were able to safely get to your therapists and I hope you are able to find peace and closure soon. Grief is nothing to be ashamed of. But don't let it consume you.

 

[Skittys_Daddy]

@gracebowen After the shock wore off (after a few weeks), I did break down and couldn't stop crying. It got so bad I couldn't breathe and had to call a neighbor. Since then, I've been afraid to let it out and I suspect that isn't helping.

@Scott Yes, I actually got her ashes back the week after she died. She is on display above my desk but I have not had her 'memorial' yet.

@Doublete Yes, I got to see my therapist and it was a productive session. I mentioned about feeling guilty for Skittles feeling sad for me and she told me that probably isn't the case. She said he probably feels helpful and wants to comfort me, which is a far cry from me hurting him.

A lot of the grief is also underlying guilt. The past few years with Peaches have not been easy. The stinky poops, the chronic masterbation, chronic egg-laying just became unmanageable. After her last bout with the egg laying, she was left with a swelled crop. She didn't have sour crop and didn't fidget when I touched it, she was eating and drinking normally, so I let it go.

The vet said I could bring her in for a cropwash but I didn't want to go that route. Peaches never reacted well to the vet. She panicked all the way down and was in severe distress each time on the way back. A few times she even bit herself and vomitted on herself during exams. I was afraid if I went the cropwash route she might not survive the procedure and that would have killed me. The vet had mentioned a shot called Lupron but said it carries a number of risks and they were worried, given her age (she was two months shy of 21 when she passed). They also couldn't guarantee the medication would even work.

Given her age and the invasiveness/risks of procedures, I just let nature take it's course and I think I feel guilty for not fighting harder. I worry that she thinks I just gave up on her.

I've never done that before. I've always fought hard to save my babies, I've never let nature take its course, but after what I went through with Sammy, my parakeet, I didn't want to go through that again. With Sammy, I ignored the vets recommendation to euthanize him and instead decided to try medication and fight. He passed away a few weeks later, after no doubt suffering in pain. Sammy was 11 when he passed and given that he was on a commercial all-seed diet, he lived a long and happy life. I like to think Peaches did as well. Given that for the first eleven years of her life I did not feed her properly, I should be happy she lived as long as she did. But I feel guilty for feeling relieved that it's over.

The good thing in all this is, Skittles has not been neglected. In all honesty, it's not really an option. Skittles wouldn't let me get away with that and I know it. LOL.