Heartbreaking

[MaraWentz]

My hubby and I would NOT be together today if he didn't love our pets. Elvis would chase and attack him every chance he got and scream my name all day. Erin was aggressive too for the first week. My dogs don't listen to him because he gives in too easily. He has had a rough time with every pet but our reptiles and fish. But if he can't love something as small as an animal how can he love something as a complex as me?

My hubby did not treat Elvis right in the beginning. He cursed at him for screaming for me, flung him hard to the ground if he bit him and threw things at his cage if he screamed. We have gotten into many fights over how to raise our pets. But I spoke with him and said he had to stop, and when he didn't do you know what I did? Packed up my bird and left. I left with no car, no money, no home. He cried and chased me down the street. We ended up giving it another chance because it proved he cared and you know what? He treated Elvis like gold up to his dying day. He even bawled his eyes out with me when we got the news he died.

If your gf is the one give her the ultimatum. If she's not the one dont bother trying and just ditch her. And I hate giving ultimatums but when it comes to the well being of a living things it's necessary, if you don't just leave them from the beginig. I have never rehomed a pet unless it wasn't happy in my home (ie sexist or not getting the attention it wanted) or I wouldn't have a home if I kept it (ie landlord issues). Never because I didn't want it any more or because I found something or some one more important.

Pets are permament.By taking one into your life you are promising to love it unconditionally and giving it the best life you can no matter the extent unless you absolutely cannot provide it happiness, food or shelter.

 

[Featheredsamurai]

My bird comes first, if someone doesn't treat my bird with respect there gone. I'm pretty protective of my bird and never want her to be abused again, seriously if someone was in the house planning on stealing by force her I'm pulling out the Katana and they'd better be grateful I don't own a gun because I will injure them with no regrets.

If I where you I would dump that chick, why are you even with her?

 

[sonja]

Please, for your own sake, not the bird's---- end the relationship. She is abusive. You can not fix her. She has not fixed herself and is very unlikely to as long as she has the "cushion" of falling back on you. For her own good, if she wants to change, she needs to be on her own and work on her. You have already put in 2.5 years and are still with an abusive, angry person. Don't make it 10 years. I speak from experience. Get out now.

 

[Thingamagigs]

Warning... this may be offensive and it is a rant. If you don't want a dose of the truth tune out now...

You are young ... relationships seem like all there is, like its the end of the world if you lose THIS person. Taking your age into consideration, nothing I say will have an impact but I'm going to say it anyway...

There are millions of females in the world. Millions. BILLIONS. Relationships should NOT be hard work!! They should flow, be comfortable, be easy... sure there is the odd tough time... but if serious therapy after only 2 years is needed, then you are best to leave this one and seek new love with someone who makes you happy on every level of your being. You only get one chance at this life!!! Why waste it being unhappy? You may feel somehow responsible asthough if you leave who else will care for her? I think the problem is she never learnt to care for herself and will need to make the choice on her own to either self destruct or turn a new leaf and that has NOTHING to do with you. You can not influence that in a good way, not while you give in to her this way. Sticking around will only give her a crutch to fall back into old habits.

How can you respect someone that is cruel to animals, no matter what they have been through? I tell you what, I was seriously neglected and abused as a child and I am just the opposite! I turned to animals, I love them and although I could see my fathers violent ways in myself when I was a teen, I was only 17 years old when I realised and turned it around!! I had the self awareness and decency to teach myself to take a deep breath, have a good think and then react. Now it is second nature, now anyone who knows me will tell you I am the calmest more tolerant person.
There is no excuse and no amount of help... a professional can help her walk through this but no one can HELP her or turn her life around for her. If she will self destruct, let her do it, she needs to do it and she needs to do it alone. Its her choice and you can not help her. You just ruin your own young life by devoting yourself to someone who does not even have the decency to treat animals well!

I could not imagine my life without animals. If my partner told me I could never have another animal again... I'd kick him out.

 

[thermodynamic]

This could have an impact on your relationship with your Jenday.

VERY true.

The bird might associate the owner with the bad things happening. Especially if there are repeated occurrences. It's also why good (IMHO) vets won't let the bird owner in the same area as the vet, when the vet draws blood or does a physical exam.

And what the girlfriend has done is amazingly bad... cigarettes, throwing things that dent the cage, and Red Bull!!! She could have killed the bird... or reduced its lifespan... or something that could be deemed far worse... she is no friend, and I'd question her human status - she acts more like an unevolved, undisciplined thing than a girl or woman or anything I'd recognize as a human being...

As for human relationships, they always take work and it takes all involved to do the work, out of respect for the other person's differences, as long as the people involved are civilized. If one person is just going to abuse for self-gratifying enjoyment, that person isn't worth the time or effort. especially if it involves conscious, premeditated cruelty. If the girlfriend is being cruel to the bird just for her own personal entertainment, and how that bird is a part of the OP's life, she's not only doing the bird ill-will, she's hurting the OP just as much - if not more, especially if the bird associates the OP with the girlfriend in the process of it being hurt...

But that girl the OP is dating is playing far more cruel. Game playing, right down to throwing things at the cage... and a soft drink that might kill the bird... That's just insipid. Such people who do that shouldn't even be called "human beings", but now I'm starting to emote...

 

[thermodynamic]

If I where you I would dump that chick, why are you even with her?

For the same reason Rihanna went back to the (guy) that used her as a makeshift punching bag... chemistry, often that which makes a human being respond to someone they find sexually desirable... even if such a person has more in common with a vicious monster...

I think the following song lyrics describe it all most succinctly:

If you think the chemistry that makes you stupid
Is the same as the stuff that makes you smart
All I can say to you, my friend
Is that you're off to a banging start
Playing mind games...

Which is ironic, given this is Devo - master of the double entendre and hidden meaning - putting out such straightforward claims...

 

[MeganMango]

I have been with my partner for 9 years. If he threw something at Mango (Ive had him a month) I would have Dave's bags packed and on the door step the same day. Something you will learn in your psychology education (I have a masters in neuroscience and a bachelor degree in biological psychology) is that lots of people experience terrible things, but most of them are still kind and gentle people despite having issues. Your girlfriend is using her tough situation as an excuse to abuse a bird she just plain doesnt like. There is NO EXCUSE for abusing innocent creatures. Stop letting her pull on your empathy chain and look at this objectively. Sure shes messed up, thats not a valid reason for torturing your bird. By moving the bird you are validating her actions, in short, she learns she can manipulate you and your affections. Today its your bird, tomorrow it will be your mother or your sister or your best friend. You girlfriend needs to get a LOT of therapy before she even considers a serious relationship.

 

[Rik398]

I understand everything you guys are saying. Don't get me wrong... I have been in a fairly devistating break up before, and managed to move on from that ok. So (as harsh as it may sound) I am fairly confident that I can move on from this one without too much issue. I simply do not want to end something that (may) come out ok in the end. I do not go into relationships lightly, a relationship is a ign of commitment, for better and for worse and all that stuff. So, I will be here for her if that is what she wants, but basically tommorow (or today lol) she needs to make a decission of whether she wants me to help her out, or whether she wants to end it. This not knowing where anyone stands business is just not helpful to anyone.

I am not the stereotypical animal lover. I am not even sure what an animal lover is. I don't want to spend time in a zoo, and a saffari would be my idea of hell, all I know is that my parrot is my pet, I have had him since I was ten, and he means a lot to me. He is completley dependant on me, and for as long as he lives I am all he has, so I better do the very best I can. Whether that makes me an 'animal lover' I do not know, but I love him. And rest assured, whatever happens, I will not let him be in danger, and I will do everything I can for him to stay with me (god knows why he would want me but he seems to anyway) so yeah... I will look after him no matter what. If it comes to it I will go to my grans everyday to see him.

Sorry for the massive response. Like I say I need to bring this to some kind of conclusion, or at least know which direction I am supposed to be going in. If she goes... At least there is one possible positive side to it, I get the bird back .

But we shall see, I will keep you posted. And I value your advice, I believe that this is the perfect example of why forums like this exist, and how they can help.

Cheers folks.

 

[MollyGreenCheeks]

Time to find yourself a new girlfriend. Get one who respects you enough to respect the things you love. I sounds like you may just be enabling your girlfriend to continue with her issues. There are plenty of people who have been through hell and move on and function normally. If you were married to her it would be a different story and I would encourage you to help her through her problems but it sounds like she is dragging you down. Tell her to move on and if she fixes her issues and you have not yet found a significant other than you may entertain the idea of trying to work things out. In the meantime, bring your bird home!

 

[94lt1]

I actually got my scarlet macaw from a situation just like this... Monte was awesome while his owner was here dropping him off.. after that he changed. He got mean, I had to work hard to get to be his friend, and even harder to be more than his friend..

The guy had him for 6 years, and his new bride just didn't want him around.. scarlets are aggressive birds, and they're all beak when it counts, let me tell ya, if he bites you... you know it, and as a musician I'm dependant upon my digits working.. so its a hard road..but well worth it..


As for the OP, it appears that you're level headed, just remember your friend will never ask you to choose.. I'm not trying to keep on ya.. but the love of a friend, of a bird is special.. I swear I can still see the heartbreak in Montes eyes when he knew his previous owner wasn't coming back.. but I love that bird like he's my son.. all of my birds are my children.

 

[WannaBeAParrot]

Rik,
I'm not a psychologist. With that said-- I think you wrote your post because, in some way, you wanted to hear the message we are all consistently posting -- which is that you should move your parrot back HOME, and move your girlfriend out until she is safe to be around your bird. You owe this to yourself and your bird. Your descibe behavior that says to me she is abusive to YOU and the bird. (?? is she abusive to your family as well - nasty, condescending, attempts to cause them to feel unwelcome?) When she is physically abusing and battering your poor birdy in front of family/friends when you are away, I believe there could be an element of her showing total disrespect toward you, as this parrot is like your child, and she is attacking some"one" you love and have responsibility for. in front of them It sounds like this "problem" your girlfriend has will likely continue to happen, since it sounds like she was "fixed" once before and has relapsed.

I know it is unrealistic to hear all this confirmation from all of us and then turn around and tell your girlfriend to leave the next day -- but if you know she has somewhere to go (a friend, aunt-uncle, grandparents, sister, mental health facility) or can afford to live somewhere else, then don't feel bad about cutting the ties as soon as possible if you don't see a lifelong bond with this person -- how will you live with her for decades, what if you have children -- will she hate you for loving them -- will she destro them by abusing the verbally or physically -- will she alienate you from your family? If you feel you this is the only woman for you, then SHE will have to tell you the same, and she will have to WANT to do what it takes to get better, including - from day one - apologize to you and your famiy for physically and emotionally abusing your bird. Then she'll have to tell you if she feels she can IMMEDIATELY stop abusing the bird and be as kind to the bird as you would expect her to be to your Gran or any of your loved family members. If none of that is important enough to her to agree with and try her hardest, then, I believe, all is lost, and no person should condemn themselves to sharing their life, their family (including their pets) with someone like that. For her own sake, she needs to learn other's have boundaries and she has to respect and honor them in order to receive respect and acceptance - otherwise she is choosing to be asked to go.

I feel very badly for you, because I know it is a serious and difficult sitations that is a huge challenge to overcome, and that their will be some pain and possibly guilt if you ask her to leave -- but imagine living a life together with her and walking on eggshells your whole life. You don't owe her your or your bird's happiness or safety.

Keep us posted. We are here for you for support and words of comfort.

 

[baron1282]

I agree with WannaBeAParrot!

I think in some way you know already what you must do, and now your looking for encouragement and validation from others. I have been though this, wanting to end it with someone that had emotional problems, but was scared because I didn't want to hurt her. I ended it and I lived and she lived. I am still friends with her, and she moved on.

Here is another thought, if you really don't want to be with her, than END IT NOW! You will never be happy trying to fix her problems all the time, nor will you be happy with her. You are being selfish to her as well. Because your to scared to end it, you leave her hanging on to you, not allowing her to find her happiness.

You must admit that you can't fix the problems, but someone else might be able too. So by you keeping her your girlfriend you don't allow her to move on as well. Trust me when I say she will move on, and even if she does do something crazy it's not your fault.

Being with a girl that has problems will only cause you problems. Yes being in a relationship is for better or for worse. Right now, she attacked your companion that you had since ten years old. I am sorry, but you can't buy that kind of love from anyone! Two years does not replace a life long relationship!!

Today the Bird, tomorrow your soul! Yeah that may be out there a bit, but rest assured that this behavior will not end. She will try and control you more, and use her emotional problems as an excuse. Leaving you with two options, you end it, or you deal with it for the rest of your life. From what I am reading you do not want to deal with it. You are not going to do something wrong if you end it now, in fact you give her the opportunity to fix her problems and find her happiness. By you keeping her and thinking you can fix her, you rob her of her chance of finding the person she can really be with without problems.

You also rob yourself. You already did rob yourself!!! You were forced to leave a companion behind that you had scene childhood. How can any person that REALLY LOVES YOU, ask you to do that? Even with all the emotional problems a person can have, that is no excuse for abusive behavior.

If you want an example, my wife had been abused as a child, emotionally scared as a teenager, her father was an alcoholic and died because of it. Her mother beat her, and so much more. Yet out of all her problems she has not once used it as an excuse for her actions nor has she abused any animal. People go though bad times, deal with it and don't make excuses for it.

Sorry for the long post, but I do think you want to end it and you are searching for that validation. Now don't delay and act on it, no amount of working on the problem is going to fix it. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE A PERSON!!! Don't go into a relationship thinking that, are you willing to live with that person for the rest of your life, wake up to her every day?

Again, your bird has been with you scene childhood, you going to throw that away for some girl?

 

[ConureLady]

Whoa.
What if this was your child?
I know its hard but you need to tell her to move out!!!

woman are like buses, another one is always around the corner! lol
you deserve someone you can trust.

 

[Rik398]

Ok.

So the talk took place, and she generally agreed that she needs some help, and will be arranging that ASAP. In the mean time, we just carry on as normal (normal being a fairly weird 'break' situation, which is not actually a break as in see other people, its more of a getting back to basics and keeping it simple, go with the flow kinda thing)

However, to prevent a very strange and awkward (on a break whilst living with me??!!) situation going on forever, we are going to review the situation in 2 weeks time.

When it comes to review time, a final decision needs to be made. Either everything goes back perfectly to normal, or she goes. She is probably currently thinking that I won't make that choice... but I will.

The 2 week thing is mainly because that is how long a holiday lasts, and the bird has stayed with my gran during family holidays before. So this, I feel, is an amount of time which can be just about reasonable.

Any more attacks on the bird from her, and she is gone instantly. She knows that, and I feel that she only realized the seriousness of what she was doing to him in our conversation.

I have no idea whether this will work or not, but she asked for my support, and I feel that the least I can do is offer her a tenth of the time we have spent together so far to do that. Everything suggested was suggested by her, except for the 2 week evaluation thing. Having said this, I feel I could just crumble at any time and ask her to go, simply because being on a break with someone you have already been with for 2 and a half years, whist they are still living with you, is a little strange. In addition, if you have been with someone that long, and they then decide that they need a couple of weeks to assess 'how they feel about you' then that is fairly crappy.

So, I will try my best to go along with what she wants, but have made it very clear that I am not willing to wait as long as her (hence the two week thing) due to it being too hard for me, and a bit strange.

In the mean time, regular visits to the bird, and a lot of me hiding on long days at uni. 7am -10pm should do it lol.

I visited the bird earlier to day, and he seemed pleased to see me. Basically ended up trying to lift the door on the cage to get out and see me, and only stopped screaming once he was with me. So at the moment, i think he does miss me, but obviously is still comforted by my presence, so the bird is ok for now. My gran gets him out too, though he tends to sit on a chair or something and demand food when that happens.

Thanks for the advice folks, and I will keep you updated. Like I say, I am not particularly happy with the current situation, it is very awkward and just hurts so much. She seems to be ok with it though. And at least this way, if it all ends, I can say that at least I tried, and it was not my fault due to lack of tolerance or commitment after all this time.

 

[baron1282]

Good luck!

Look don't take us saying "She needs to go NOW" to heart that much. You got to remember where you posted. We all love animals and our birds.

I give people the benefit of change. If she needs help and she does change her life around and your happy than great. You just need to stick to what you said and let her go if she attacks the bird again, but are you prepared for that? Remember one attack could equal the end of your feathered friend. Please be careful!!

Good luck and I do hope things work out for you. Remember it's not our business what you do with your life, but keep us posted.

 

[ZephyrTK]

Get a nanny cam. Your bird deserves to be safe.

She won't tell the truth and your bird can't speak up for itself. Don't wait and find out the hard way that she has reverted. Birds, as you know, are fragile.

Let's prevent your next thread from being truly heartbreaking.

Once bitten......

 

[WannaBeAParrot]

This is very difficult for you, it's obvious you are a sensitive person.

Reminding you that I am not a psychologist, just a human that knows human (and parrot) nature pretty well, there simply is no way that she will be able to "fix" all the issues that cause her to abuse/attack your bird or disrespect you or your family. It sounds like her issues are far too deep-rooted to make it possible for her to just be okay in two weeks toward your bird. Maybe it will last a few days in front of you, but otherwise, I'd never permit her to be in the home when you aren't there to PROTECT your precious, fragile and dependent little bird.

I don't know where you are, but if you decide to ever let her near your bird again, you could warn her about the animal abuse laws that exist and tell her that you will report her and will be subject to those laws. It sounds extreme, but it may be the only way to get her to think twice before attacking your bird, since it would actually be detrimental to her if she attacked the birdy. In the U.S., all 50 states have laws against animal abuse/cruelty. It is at least a misdemeanor charge in all 50, and there are also felony charges in 30 states.

Think of your bird as your child, sibling, parent, grandparent, or patient -- would you put them back in a home with their abuser after 2 weeks after emergently being removed from the abuser? If you are nearby enough to your Gran, you can "hide out" there with her and the birdy if you are wanting to stay away from your ex-girlfriend but still letting her live in your home. Personally, it sounds like you are not wanting to get back together, but don't want to feel bad about just telling her to leave now. So maybe you can get her to start to make other arrangements for living somewhere now, so that in a week or so, she'll be out without having to feel ejected in one fell swoop. You can always keep talking, skyping, seeing each other and maybe things will turn around while she is NOT entering your home for a while. It will be more difficult for her to manipulate your emotions and your caring nature if she is not inside the home for now.

Do it for your bird, yourself, and your future - which may one day include her again if things turn around.

Lots of luck.

Hey... how about a pic of your birdy for us? I think many of us feel so protective over him (and u too now, lol).

 

[happycat]

I just read your post on pg.3.

How about you keep your parrot in a different room?

 

[Lintini]

I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship that would have ended up having me being a battered wife. 100% positive. What opened my eyes was when he told me that when we were engaged, I would move from CA to PA and I could only bring 2 of my 5 rabbits, and I had to choose. How the hell do you choose something like that? They are all litter-box trained, spayed/neutered and bonded in a pair and trio. He also was going to buy a german sheppard and train it to be some sort of guard dog. I don't know the specifics, but it wasn't going to work out with small pets and maybe children in the future? He now does have a german sheppard which I saw via facebook peeping. That's how I saw his wedding photo as well. He has PTSD from deployment and never got help. Anyways...I don't need to get into this deeper, just know he is a horrible person, abusive, alcoholic and that 6 months later he married another woman, and holy crud I feel bad for her. I still wonder every once and a while when he might start hitting her and if she has someone to turn to when the abuse starts. But he clearly didn't respect me or care about what I loved, and neither does your girlfriend.

We don't like change as human beings. We are safe and secure with what we have, but I think you need to look deep at what she did and does to something that you love and care about. Animal abuse shouldn't be taken lightly and I think you should try your best to know you will be okay without her and she can go somewhere else and move on. You don't need this in your life bringing you down. That really scares me that your cage is bent now. This could possibly get worse before it would ever get better, and you might become the new punching bag.

I hope this turns out well for you, but honestly you need to move on. What does your family think of all this? They have to want her out of the house too don't they?

 

[Rik398]

I think moving the parrot to a different room will be happening when he first comes back. Introduce it slowly and keep an eye on everything. There a a room that is not used with a lockable door and a huge window which I am sure he will be fine in.

As for the whole girlfriend thing, she is going to try and get an appointment with a doctor today. Its hard though, without going into specifics, there was an event last night which highlighted to me how ridiculous this whole thing is, and hhow it is all about her and her decissions. So we shall see... Going to be a long strugle but I am at uni now, so can keep out the house for 16 hours so that should help put everything into the back of my mind for a while.

Thanks again. Keep you posted.