OMG...I have to leave him

[JerseyWendy]

I have no friends, no one to talk to, so I hope that I don't offend anyone by posting this here.

.....

I feel torn, hopeless and pretty worthless. My kids, fids and pets are the only ones who bring joy to my life. I feel trapped, embarrassed and stupid. And my back is really hurting.

Oh YES you do!!! We are here for you, day and night!!! We may be strangers, but believe me, we care a WHOLE lot, and we will do whatever we can to help you sort this out.

You are NOT worthless, please don't ever think that way of yourself.

I honestly cringe when I see how a "loved" one can make one feel so badly.

Many many hugs to you!!! Hang in there, you've received some GREAT feedback already.

Hold your head up high and stand proud. You've done nothing wrong! NOBODY deserves to be treated like this - not ever.

 

[crimson]

OH Phoebe!....my heart breaks for you and your children. You've had some excellent advice, I am shocked at how many of us have gone thru abusive relationships!

I cannot speak from experience(thank god!) but my mother in law was in an abusive relationship for years, and the only memory my husband Dave has of his father is hitting his mom, he was 3 yrs old.

we are all here for you, even though we are in distance, I will pray for you. try and stay strong, you have very good support on here!

 

[sonja]

I agree with everyone else - get out now!
Call a lawyer and a women's help hotline to see what your options are and what steps you should take. Perhaps he can even be forced to continue paying for the kids' school.
Be strong and call today. Today.

 

[Echo]

He wants you to think that you are trapped, alone and worthless. Deep down you know it's not true. You are not alone, your children are with you and your 15 year old is a young adult now. You're not worthless as you work and care about your kids and animals to go and get healthy food like fruits and veggies for them on your way back from work at 3 in the morning!! You are not trapped, the door is wide open...
Most of all you are BRAVE for writing your story for thousands of people to read.....

Get help and get out! Your husband is the one afraid to be alone.....

 

[ruffledfeathers]

I was the child in such a family situation. I know it probably feels humiliating, but you would be surprised how many people have these 'secrets' and know too well how it feels. It doesn't devalue YOU, even if you feel that way sometimes. Leaving also doesn't make you "angry" or "disloyal" or bad in any way (i know how that self inflicted guilt feels too.)

Sometimes even if someone is sorry, they just can't change because the issue is theirs, not yours--nothing you did or could have done or said differently would have changed things. It is their own issue they are actually fighting with and you are merely in the line of fire.

Even if it seems overwhelming, you can still have a much happier life ahead!!

 

[SilverSage]

I didn't read everyone else's posts here until after I had commented before, but I want to add something about homeschooling. I grew up homeschooled and in a homeschooling community. My mom did a lot of work with my siblings, but I loved reading so much that I was basically able to teach myself, and go to her when I had questions. She has no college degree, has homeschooled 5 kids, and taught many of our foster kids to read when the public school failed to do so. You graduated from high school, right? If you decide to, you CAN do it. Get involved in a homeschool group. Since your kids are already older, make sure you have their friends from school over as often as possible so they don't feel ripped away. Give them some freedom to choose their own electives and where they want to work. Let them enjoy the freedom. And you know what? they will be ok. Yes, some people who are homeschooled turn out weird, but have you SEEN some of the public schooled kids? The schooling is not what does it. In fact, the homeschoolers in my hometown were the young leaders of the community, and MANY of them had started businesses before they graduated from high school. I got a college scholarship for being homeschooled. So if that is your choice, I just want you to know you can do it, and your kids will not be turned weird by it. You can ask me more if you want to know. I don't know a lot about the legal parts since I was the student, but my mom knows.

 

[ZoeS]

Not sure if someone else mentioned it, but don't change the locks. It's not legal to change the locks without notice if someone lives in the house.

Best of luck to you!

 

[MissTaz]

Oh sweet girl this is horrible!!!! I am so sorry for your pain. I was in an abusive relationship for a while and one day I just left. I couldn't take it anymore. It's so hard but you can do it. No one deserves to have hands put on them. My heart is just breaking for you. I would have him put in jail and press charges. Call the police and have a restraining order put on him and then when you have enough money move. Every situation is difference and my advice might not fit you and that ok but you do have people here you can talk to. God Bless you!!!!

 

[getwozzy]

Phoebe, I read your post last night but couldn't respond till this morning... Because it struck a nerve and made me so angry that ******* treats you like that. I'm calmer now, I suppose...

I was also abused...first as a child, and then about 10 years ago by an ex boyfriend. He was mentally and physically abusive- telling me I wasn't skinny enough; that I needed to weigh a certain amount. He was constantly cheating on me, and one time I confronted him about it- he grabbed me by my neck and slammed me against the closet doors (dislodging them from their rails) and held me off the ground by my neck. I tried to call the police but he snatched my phone and broke it. Then when he was done he took all the car keys and left me home alone, told me not to leave and to call in sick to work. As soon as he was gone I found my spare phone and called work so I wouldn't lose my job. I didn't know what to do, I felt so alone and confused- why was this person who "loves" me treat me like this???
That was the last straw. I packed up all my stuff in the middle of the night, woke up early and packed up all my important stuff in my car first. I left, moved in with my mom, got a restraining order- when I was standing in front of the judge all I could do was try to keep my tears back, and he was so disgusted at how long his "rap sheet" was he didn't even ask me any questions and granted the order. He even gave me a copy of his rap sheet so that I could see for myself what kind of person he was...restraining orders from other ex-girlfriends, rape, assault, etc.

It takes a heck load of courage to leave, but you can do it. You don't deserve an ounce of this crap he's dishing out, and you are NOT worthless. Take pictures of your bruises and injuries, file a police report, get a restraining order, do whatever you need to do to get him out of your life.

*hugs!*

 

[Featheredsamurai]

Oh man, this is terrible! I'm so sorry, please leave him for the safety of you and your kids. My sister used to date this guy for 5 years, he was great until he got drunk, he choked my sister several times in anger. She still stayed with him because she wanted her two daughters to have their dad and a "happy family". Eventually she made a rule that neither of them would drink, and it went well for a while. But he started lying and going out to bars with his looser brother and talking to girls online about sending him photos. My sister was so mad that be was going behind her back, so she finally left him for good. Her ex got another girlfriend relatively quickly, he went to jail for domestic violence against her, she then paid his bail and they got married. He's a terrible dad, really flaky and my sister is taking him to court because be won't pay his child support. My sister is so happy she left him, being in a abusive relationship was terrible and only after she got her piece of mind back did she relize how bad things had gotten.

Taking your kids out of school and doing home school is a excellent idea! The main thing I'm worried about is that if you change the locks you're still married, so if he breaks in you can't have him arrested for trespassing. If you file a divorce PLEASE don't confront him without someone with you, you don't want him to react badly when you have no one there watching your back.

 

[Birdman666]

As a 50 something who went through a very messy divorce, I can tell you that it gets better... Don't kick yourself. You feel like crap, because you have put up with all that crap. When you stop, you start to feel better about yourself.

1. Get out, but do it safely... let him come home to find you, and the kids, and the pets gone. Why risk violence?

2. What, are the kids and I cutting into the money available to spend on your new girlfriend?!

3. There is a thing called child support, and spousal support. Find yourself a good attorney. The court in most states will order it, seize it, and give it to you... Ummm... he can pay for their school.

4. No public schools available?

It's not fun, but it will work out for the best eventually. Abusive does not work, EVER!

 

[Kimmied]

I am so moved by how supportive we are not only to faery but each other as well. It is pretty crappy what we all have been through but have come through it stronger. I think each and everyone of you are amazing! Faery I know it seems like you will never see the other side of this. And be free of your husband but just as everyone here could do it, so can you.

 

[faeryphoebe1]

Oh my gosh, thank you everyone. I didn't have anywhere to turn to yesterday and wanted to get off my chest what had transpired the previous night.

I think that I was in shock at finally, finally realizing how dangerous he is, to my well being. He totally loses control and just flies into this rage and hurts me. Then he's nice, very nice for weeks, even months until the next time.

He's being nice for now but I'm treading carefully because I don't want him to catch me posting this. He's agreed to move out a week from Saturday. It's payday so he'll have money to rent a place.

Hopefully it will go smoothly. The most dangerous time for me will be when it's time for him to leave or right after. Luckily, he never hurts the kids.

I'm so scared, stressed and feel so guilty about pulling the kids out of school, but we talked and the kids are on board with this. Been crying a lot today.

Thank you for all your prayers and support. Y'all are the best!

 

[MikeyTN]

We're ALL here for you!!!!!!!! IF you ever need someone to talk to, you can count on me for one and I'm sure everyone else feels the same. When he's leaving, would it be possible to have a friend there with you????

 

[faeryphoebe1]

My mother would be the only other person that I could ask to come around that weekend. Unfortunately, she'll antagonize him more. She'd revel in it, but then I might have a high price to pay later if he decides to seek a bit of retribution. That has happened before. I will probably leave my kids with her that day, though.

 

[lisascannell]

Oh you poor thing You're a beautiful person I know because anyone that cares so much for animals has a heart of gold. You need to leave him and take your kids and animals with you and hopefully you have support from friends, family or even work collegues. Stress is no excuse for his behaviour it may only get worse. Best of luck xx

 

[DallyTsuka]

the scariest thing to do is to make that leap to freedom, i know but you can do it. take it one day at a time, try not to stress about what will happen the next day or the day after. think of today or else the stress will make it even scarier. i don't know what its like to be in a relationship with an abusive partner. but i do know 17 years of physical and emotional abuse. i know how scary it is to leave it all behind, and it wont be easy to do, or move forward from. i'm still moving forward from my situation... but my point is, that we're all here for you, many of us know similar pain and have all had to make big decisions like this in our lives. only you can make the choice, BUT you have a lot of people supporting you. he only has the power you give him, so dont let him win. do what is right for you and your kids. as for the being nice after the abuse, its a false sense of security. it will happen again and again, but unless he gets some proper help, he wont actually stop. its part of guilt and denial. he wants to pretend nothing happened (denial) because he knows what he did was wrong (so at least he has a conscience-sp?). abuse victims face things similar to the steps of grief and everyone will face them differently. but, keep your head high. you can do it!


also, dunno how much this will help or not, but you can take it or leave it however you want. i have ADHD, been diagnosed at 6 years old. i'm unmedicated for it and i've learned to live with it. teachers did give me a hard time in school because they label kids with ADHD as "bad troublemakers". they're the ones at fault. us who have ADHD, there's nothing wrong with us. we just think differently and do things differently than others. we see the world differently. i've had a few teachers who understood this and have actually used my ADHD to my advantage. they need a teacher like that, one who is willing to be patient and give them a chance to learn in the way they do. they're not gonna sit still for hours on end, they're not going to want to focus on the same thing for a long period of time. doesnt ever mean they cant learn like other students do your kids are probably VERY smart. a lot of people with ADHD are, but schools often do not acknowledge that. so i understand why you'd be leery about bringing them out of a school that is benefitting them. that's not an easy choice either, to take them out of an expensive school that is helping them, or to home school them. but on a positive note, in both situations, they will benefit from someone who understands them better and can teach them properly

 

[faeryphoebe1]

Thank you Mikey, Lisa and Dally and everyone. That's awesome advice to take it one day at a time, otherwise I'll get completely overwhelmed. I feel a bit that way now, plus I have to act "normal" at work while my life feels like it's falling apart.

It'll be okay. It's time to go forward.

 

[sonja]

Definitely have someone there with you when he's leaving. Even if you have to have a police officer there. Just call the non-emergency number and set it up. They will absolutely help you. And, keep your cell phone in your pocket and be prepared to get out of the house if you have to if things turn bad.

 

[crimson]

I'm worried something will happen on the day he is to leave. you need a concrete plan to protect yourself and your children, should it turn ugly.

don't leave things to chance phoebe, better safe than sorry.