OMG...I have to leave him

[Blancaej]

Just curious of he moved out yesterday Phoebe? Stay strong, you WILL get through this!

 

[faeryphoebe1]

I'm embarrassed to say this, but it's taking me longer to get rid of him than I expected. The reason is because I'm stuck with whether to pull one or both kids out of school. If I pull them both out, then I will be able to get rid of him sooner. I will have the $$ to pay our bills and kick him out.
If I withdraw only one kid, then I will need my husband's financial help for about 6-8 more weeks. The kid that I would leave in school would be my son who has Aspergers and ADHD. He loves his school (he tried public school, a different private school and this is his 3rd school and the first one that he's truly been happy in).

I feel tremendously guilty about pulling them out and cry several times a day about it. My chest hurts and I'm so nauseous with all the worry.

Meanwhile, my mother has been scolding me over the phone and telling me that she will only "allow" me to homeschool them for a year. Like it's even up to her? She broke my confidence and told my older, "know it all" sister, when I'd already asked my mother not tell any family members what was going on.
Now mom and sister are trying to set up a homeschool intervention.

Husband threatened to take me to court over the homeschooling. I called his bluff and said, "go ahead". He broke down and cried and said that he wouldn't really do that, but that he wished he hadn't screwed up the kids' lives and that he didn't want to lose me because he loved me."Yeah, right".

One good thing is that my daughter says that she's actually looking forward to being homeschooled. On the other hand, my son really wants to stay in his school.

This is where I'm stuck. For this particular private school, I had to sign a contract to keep them there for the entire school year. To withdraw them, I have to submit a letter of intent to withdraw. The school board has to approve the withdrawal before I can pull them out. I did speak to one of the administrators and told her what was going on, so I do believe that this withdrawal will get approved.

I'm so conflicted. The only way to keep them both at their school is to stay with my husband. After putting up with his cruelty for so long, I finally, FINALLY am ready to get rid of him. So that scenario isn't going to happen.

So, this is where I'm at. Stuck between typing out one or two names on that "intent to withdraw letter". I've cried and cried about it. Will I totally screw up my kids? Am I capable of homeschooling Brandon, too? He's mostly socially awkward with black and white thinking. Will Brandon forgive me if I pull him out of his school? This is so difficult. :5_sad:

 

[Kimma]

I'm embarrassed to say this, but it's taking me longer to get rid of him than I expected.

There is nothing to be embaressed about. It often takes a long time. Marriages entwine people, and abusive people are particularly good at putting their hooks in.

I'm so conflicted. The only way to keep them both at their school is to stay with my husband. After putting up with his cruelty for so long, I finally, FINALLY am ready to get rid of him. So that scenario isn't going to happen.

Will Brandon forgive me if I pull him out of his school? This is so difficult. :5_sad:

I am sure they would rather have their mother safe. Have you talked to them about why you're doing it? Remember that your needs are as important as anyone elses. I know parents have to make some sacrifices for their kids, but this sounds like a "put your own oxygen mask on first" situation.

If you need scripts to help you have difficult conversations, I highly recommend CaptainAwkward.com and the Friends of Captain Awkward Forum They are filled to the brim with useful advice, and wonderful people who are wise and helpful.

 

[sonja]

Have you talked to a lawyer about your options?
If you and your husband split up, he is still financially responsible for them. That includes any special schooling they need. Get legal help and there is no reason they can't continue in the school they need.
And, stop talking to your mom about this stuff. She's NOT helping.

 

[Featheredsamurai]

Net time your mother or sister complain about the home schooling tell THEM to pay for their private school if they want them to stay so bad. Hopefully that will shut them up! They are worrying about the wrong thing

Have you sat down with Brandon and explained what is happening? I think it's better to take them both out, before your husband tries to sucker himself back into your heart again. Explain to Brandon that it's not a perminant situation, and think of something special to do to make it less hard on him.

 

[Echo]

Have you talked to a lawyer about your options?
If you and your husband split up, he is still financially responsible for them. That includes any special schooling they need. Get legal help and there is no reason they can't continue in the school they need.
And, stop talking to your mom about this stuff. She's NOT helping.

That was my understanding as well about the kids not being disturbed too much in these situations which would include keeping their school as is. The father will always be responsible for half of his kids needs money wise, isn't it right? A lawyer should definitively be involved for counsel.
Sorry about your situation....I don't have experience in the matter but you have my support.

 

[Blancaej]

You definitely should stop talking to your mom too much about what is going on. She is just adding on more stress and making these decisions 10 times worse.

I too think you should pull them both out. Your life is not worth keeping them in and causing you more stress and pain. I would definitely talk to a lawyer, because as they said in an earlier post, he is still responsible for his financial end of this bargain if you divorce. You may be able to keep them both in school. Keep doing what you are doing and do some research. You can do this, it will just take some planning and action on your part. And please please please don't be embarrassed! It's your husband and your mother that should be embarrassed for their behavior!

Big hugs!

 

[Birdman666]

The first order of business is to talk to a lawyer. A good divorce attorney will find a way to make this easier on you and the kids... the obligation to pay for your children's schooling does not end with a divorce...

And I still don't understand why home schooling is your only other option.

 

[MikeyTN]

Like everyone have said already. He is still financially liable to pay for the schooling and child support. Just get some good advice through a good lawyer. You can do it!!! And please ignore your mom and sister, they're being ignorant.

 

[SandyBee]

Oh Honey, please don't be embarrassed and stop being hard on yourself.
Get some legal advice as everyone has said. Also I understand how hard it is to make this decision regarding your sons school since he is doing well in school and that is a great thing with Aspergers. My son also has aspergers, their is a support group on facebook that you might want to check out, not only for the schooling issue but as support as you go through this seperation/divorce/change to help your son and you.

Keep yourself and your kids safe by whatever means you deem necessary, get support and listen to your heart. Make sure you have women's crisis numbers handy and an emergency plan. Remember there are people that care and will help but you need to reach out and let them know you need it.!!

 

[SoCalWendy]

I'm embarrassed to say this, but it's taking me longer to get rid of him than I expected. The reason is because I'm stuck with whether to pull one or both kids out of school. If I pull them both out, then I will be able to get rid of him sooner. I will have the $$ to pay our bills and kick him out.
If I withdraw only one kid, then I will need my husband's financial help for about 6-8 more weeks. The kid that I would leave in school would be my son who has Aspergers and ADHD. He loves his school (he tried public school, a different private school and this is his 3rd school and the first one that he's truly been happy in).

I feel tremendously guilty about pulling them out and cry several times a day about it. My chest hurts and I'm so nauseous with all the worry.

Meanwhile, my mother has been scolding me over the phone and telling me that she will only "allow" me to homeschool them for a year. Like it's even up to her? She broke my confidence and told my older, "know it all" sister, when I'd already asked my mother not tell any family members what was going on.
Now mom and sister are trying to set up a homeschool intervention.

Husband threatened to take me to court over the homeschooling. I called his bluff and said, "go ahead". He broke down and cried and said that he wouldn't really do that, but that he wished he hadn't screwed up the kids' lives and that he didn't want to lose me because he loved me."Yeah, right".

One good thing is that my daughter says that she's actually looking forward to being homeschooled. On the other hand, my son really wants to stay in his school.

This is where I'm stuck. For this particular private school, I had to sign a contract to keep them there for the entire school year. To withdraw them, I have to submit a letter of intent to withdraw. The school board has to approve the withdrawal before I can pull them out. I did speak to one of the administrators and told her what was going on, so I do believe that this withdrawal will get approved.

I'm so conflicted. The only way to keep them both at their school is to stay with my husband. After putting up with his cruelty for so long, I finally, FINALLY am ready to get rid of him. So that scenario isn't going to happen.

So, this is where I'm at. Stuck between typing out one or two names on that "intent to withdraw letter". I've cried and cried about it. Will I totally screw up my kids? Am I capable of homeschooling Brandon, too? He's mostly socially awkward with black and white thinking. Will Brandon forgive me if I pull him out of his school? This is so difficult. :5_sad:

If your daughter looks forward to homeschooling, that's really good then homeschool her. If your son would rather stay in school, then so be it. I wouldn't homeschool a child who really loves being in regular school. You really have a win/win situation. If later he would rather be homeschooled then that's ok too. Work with what your situation will allow.

 

[SoCalWendy]

Net time your mother or sister complain about the home schooling tell THEM to pay for their private school if they want them to stay so bad. Hopefully that will shut them up! They are worrying about the wrong thing

Have you sat down with Brandon and explained what is happening? I think it's better to take them both out, before your husband tries to sucker himself back into your heart again. Explain to Brandon that it's not a perminant situation, and think of something special to do to make it less hard on him.

I agree have them pay for the private school, since they are making a big ol stink. Personally, I would tell my mother and my sister to back off. This is not their life being thrusted in to a washing machine, and therefore not entitled to an opinion unless asked for it. Unsolicited advise is the worst.

 

[faeryphoebe1]

I'm gonna turn in the withdrawal letter Monday. It will give me a few more days to really crack down and be brutally honest with myself about my finances, with regard to whether I'll seek to withdraw one or both kids.

Financially, I basically support us all. My husband makes enough to pay the utility bills and cable, but even his full monthly income would barely pay their combined tuition.

He makes enough to pay rent on an apartment, pay his light and water bills and get groceries. Maybe he'll have enough to pay his auto insurance. He definitely can't afford health care coverage. I currently pay for that.

Birdman, we tried the public school system in my area a few years back with my son (he attended for 2 yrs). The experience was quite traumatic for him and negatively impacted his self esteem. He came out believing that he was a loser, a failure and stupid. It broke my heart. It took several years of therapy and some positive, caring teachers in private schools to turn that around.

The public schools around our neighborhood just aren't very good. They are still rampant with bullying despite what's portrayed in the media. I'm not ready to set my kids free to navigate around gang members and drug dealers (not that I'll ever be). These kids already stick out from among other kids with their ADHD and my son's Aspergers, so they can't just fade in the background and hope to be overlooked by the bad element.

If we lived in a better neighborhood with better public schools, then I wouldn't hesitate to send them.

 

[faeryphoebe1]

Fudge! I'm still stuck and I need to turn in the withdrawal letter tomorrow. I spoke with my son over the weekend and he was quite understanding about the possibility of being homeschooled. Sadly, he knows that his Dad can be dangerous to my health.

Anyhow, I've got 2 letters typed out. One to withdraw both kids and one to withdraw only my daughter.

I did my budget. Financially, if I leave my son in school, then my husband will have to stick around 'til about March '14 due to some debt. If I pull both kids out, then I can get out of this debt sooner and my husband can leave by about January. Then I will have $$ to take both kids to their much needed dental appointments and I might finally have $$ to see my doctor, because my blood pressure may be high (been dizzy at times, heart pounding in my ears at times, severe headaches and BP was measuring high a month ago).

If Brandon stays in school then I will have to wait until January to purchase the curriculum that I really want to use for my daughter. Meanwhile, we would be using a curriculum that's completely on a computer. This curriculum seems okay, but not as challenging as I want for her.

If Brandon stays in school, then he will continue to mingle with other Aspergers kids on a daily basis. He will see his friends every day. If I pull him out, then he will mingle with other kids that are homeschooled, but only several times a month, as I plan to join a couple of homeschool groups. Also, if I withdraw him, then I plan to sign the 3 of us up with the local astronomy club, to peak his interest and give both kids an opportunity to make friends. In addition, it may take some time to find a good curriculum that fits his learning style.

This is so difficult! I've been so stressed out and on the verge of tears daily. Ugh.

Edit: Found a homeschool group that meets monthly. They have park day, a monthly field trip, art exhibit and a book club as well as holiday parties. Next Monday I will be attending their monthly meeting for the first time.

 

[ruffledfeathers]

Thanks for the update. We are all still behind you and it sounds like you have had a lot on your mind, a lot of planning and thinking. I'm sure you are more stressed than you even realize. But hopefully soon it can be better for everyone.

 

[Featheredsamurai]

Maybe he could get the information from his closest friends at school, it would be sad if Brandon completely lost touch with them. Couldn't they still have play dates on the weekends?

Thankyou for the update!

 

[faeryphoebe1]

Yes, I agree. My daughter has gotten phone numbers from her friends and I can ask Brandon to begin getting his. It looks more and more like I will pull them both out.

This is such a difficult decision. I feel like my head is in a guillotine and I'm waiting for the blade to drop!

 

[crimson]

hang in there Phoebe, I can't even image how difficult this is for you and your children.

As long as you provide continued socialization for your kids, they will be fine. It sounds like you found a good homeschool program, I'm sure that comes as a relief.
thanks for the update, we are all here for you, even though we are thousands of miles away from each other ((HUGS))

 

[faeryphoebe1]

Thank you so much, everyone. It truly means so much to me to hear (read) your words of encouragement. As daunting a task as this is, I am also excited about a fresh start.

 

[MikeyTN]

Fresh start is always good to have!!!!!!!! I'm behind you 100%