Working with animals. Emotionally draining

[TurquoiseMel]

I have nowhere else to talk about this
I'm pretty socially awkward..nervous n whatnot. I just started work at an animal shelter. I figured I'd be better off there since at least I'd be dealing with animals. I'm never nervous around animals. I'd rather be doing kennel work to be honest but they've got me in the front office. I can answer phones pretty okay. But when people come in & esp since I'm new & don't rly know much (been workin there two days) my mouth gets dry I'm really nervous & when I talk it's like I don't even know what I'm trying to say.
Anyway this was like I said my second day there. The shelter's understaffed & somehow on day 2 I ended up at the shelter ALONE for almost two ours of my 3 hr shift. !! Everything was pretty slow & then out of nowhere back to back came in four different groups of people. One was a family they weren't so bad & another were some teens, also not so bad. But these two really biiig weird.... and I mean weird guys came in one after the other & wanted to look at the dogs. (They came in separately tho)
In the past I've been sexually assaulted in the 2nd degree & while these guys were there all I could think of was how the shelter is located in the middle of NOWHERE by a cementary, & has absolutely NO cameras anywhere. & how I'm a 115lb 20 year old female & these guys are like 6'3 and probably have over 200lbs on me. One was all tatted up and southern lookin the other claimed to be an animal trainer and was really pushy in wanting to take out several dogs. I was so flippin scared & nervous. I mean why the **** would you leave the new chick alone at the shelter anyway!!? How do you know I can be trusted how do you know I won't mess something up? That's just bad management to begin with. I'll have to talk to my boss I guess & tell him I REALLY don't know enough to be left to run things on my own. I don't know if I should talk about my fear or about my past??? What should I do??? What would you do?? You think it would affect my job standing??
... I still can't even stop shaking or thinking about it. I got off work at 3pm & its 10pm. I've struggled for 3+ yrs to get over what happened to me & I was just feeling like I was getting over it..just feeling confident enough & decided to stop living in fear & actually go out n get a job only to find I'm still terrified of it happening to me again. I'm crying & shaking right now. I've been feeling emotionally detached since I got home & been really snappy w family members & I can't help it. Idk what's going on. All I really want is a hug & I'm just pushing everyone away & writing about it online instead... My mind is probably trying to cope I think.. Idk what to think..
I mean not only is the place depressing to be around. It's a really outdated shelter, The building is falling apart, it's filthy tho I try my best to clean up real good, everything is just old and falling apart & honestly if it were up to me I'd tear the whole place down & start over. There's so many things that could be done better.
I've always had this idea of my own shelter/pet store/groomer where all the money from the products the store sells & the groomer makes would go running the shelter. & the dogs would be housed if possible in a more natural setting as opposed to kennels & the cats would be cage-free. I have so many ideas. I've been thinking it up since I was little. kind of like Colorado's AspenShelter or this other one I saw online in CA somewhere. A self-sustainable shelter. Not one that relies on handouts. But now working here & seeing the animals & even going home and seeing them everytime I close my eyes I feel like it's just too much for me. Working with animals & getting to a point where I could make that idea of mine come to life would just not be worth it for me if it's putting me thru so much already. It's all hopeless. We'll never find homes for all of them it's impossible.& even tho were trying to help them what we're really doing is imprisoning them. Tell those sad longing puppy eyes thru that kennel door that he's there for his own good. God on & try. It's the hardest thing in the world.
I come home to my dog & just hug him so tight coz I know in a shelter his spirit would be broken. Can you just imagine it? My tiny Romeo in a kennel 80% of his day crying for me. They have no idea why they're there or when they are leaving. imagine how confused, frustrated and alone they feel? They don't even have the comfort of the other dogs as they're all housed separetly.
I know to everyone euthanasia seems like a horrible thing for these dogs & these cats (the shelter I'm at is very low kill) but sometimes I can't help but wonder if they'd be better off with the Lord instead of here endlessly hoping and dreaming for someone or someday that may never come. They call a lot of shelters rescues but all the animals I've seen there are still waiting to be rescued..
Mind you, I've only been there two days...thats it.

I don't know how long I'll last there.
As soon as I got there I've just had this feeling of not being able to make sense of the world anymore. It shakes you...the unfairness of life.
Might go to a Petco or something next..I've heard animal horror stories there but at least they've got cameras ....... ..


Hope I didn't depress anybody with this it just had to come out somehow.

 

[BillsBirds]

I cannot address your personal phobias. In regards to the animals, I know how you feel. I worked for the SPCA for many years. First, in the shelter, then as a cruelty investigator. Talk about horrible situations! If you want to work with these kind of animals, in this situation, you have to learn to detach yourself somewhat from the obvious conditions. Many times I wanted to beat people to death for what they did to their poor pets. But, I reminded myself that I was there to save the animals from further abuse. And knew that the law would take care of the people. And did my part to ensure just that. I saw horrific things that will never leave my brain. And eventually had to retire because after years of witnessing the neglect and abuse, I needed to stop. I know that I saved hundreds of dogs, cats, birds, horses, and other animals from their lives of misery. Most times they moved on to new loving homes, sometimes it was better to end their suffering, and sometimes we arrived too late. If you want to continue doing this, remember why you are there, and do your best to help these poor creatures to move on to a better life. And show them that all people are not abusive or uncaring. We cannot save them all, but, try to be a help to the ones that you can. And focus your mind on that. Or it could eat you up inside. I know.

 

[Sadie]

if it helps in any way...i do know how you feel.
i was always socially awkward as well, lump in throat dry mouth when strangers came up to me. And after they left going over the conversation a million times in my head thinking how dumb i sounded or maybe this would have sounded better. i was 22 when i finally got the courage to get a job and 25 when my husband decided i should "retire" and be a stay at home mom. i still hate crowds and would rather be home all day. Anyways, that being said
The animals:
i too feel more comfortable around animals and everyday my heart aches for the ones that i cant save. For 5 yrs i use to do a 2 hour drive to a gassing pound in ohio with only 16 kennels and LOTS of strays and surrenders. Every friday was gassing day and every dog that was surrendered or been there 3 days unclaimed was gassed to make room for next weeks souls. With no funding the group told me which dogs were slated in carol county dog pound and my husband and i would make the drive and stuff up to 6 dogs into our little g6 and bring them to pa. i can tell you it never got easy. every thursday night i got the lump in my throat and i would be shaky and naseated knowing i was going to have to walk in there and see them. It was cold, they barked for their second chance and you could see in their eyes they knew what their fate was. and i would go in and be the strongest person i could and take my 6 knowing i couldnt help them all. I had to stop because i needed to focus on my girls it honestly mentally and physically drained me.
So believe me i know and being in animal rescue is one of the hardest things you can do. you do it because you care but caring makes it hurt so much more....
You will have some people in that make you sick to your stomach and others that will restore your faith in humanity. just take it a day at a time and remember how bug of a difference you are making to those animals!
when im feeling overwhelmed by it all i give my pups a big hug and think of that starfish story

A young girl was walking along a beach upon which thousands of starfish had been washed up during a terrible storm. When she came to each starfish, she would pick it up, and throw it back into the ocean. People watched her with amusement.

She had been doing this for some time when a man approached her and said, “Little girl, why are you doing this? Look at this beach! You can’t save all these starfish. You can’t begin to make a difference!”

The girl seemed crushed, suddenly deflated. But after a few moments, she bent down, picked up another starfish, and hurled it as far as she could into the ocean. Then she looked up at the man and replied,

“Well, I made a difference to that one!”
Good luck and thanks for everything you do for the fur babies!

 

[Mare Miller]

Ohhh, if I were there with you, you would be getting a BIG ol' hug! I think that you should definitely talk to the management about your fears and let them know that you are not comfortable being there alone. It sounds, to me, like you might be better off maybe working for a vet or a pet store, there would be less heart ache.

 

[RescueMe]

I too have had my struggles with fear, I was raped and beaten by my ex husband and am working on myself daily to recover. If you are uncomfortable in that situation you need to get out!! Even if nothing happened the emotional toll is too much. I rescue and was a vet tech for 4 years, you do what you can for the one in front of you, then you do it all over again. I feel blessed t care for such amazing creatures, but I sacrifice a lot to do it. If it is worth it to you then you will find a way to make a difference. Look into other shelters in your area and maybe volunteer if you can afford it so that you have more flexibility to maintain your comfort level. You will continue to grow, so don't despair. Take a deep breath.

 

[KatherineI]

I suggest bringing up your concerns with your boss. You don't have to go into details as to why exactly you are uncomfortable, but discuss your concerns and how you would prefer to never be left alone in the front office. If they cannot understand, and aren't willing to work with you, then perhaps this isn't the right location for this type of job for you? I hate saying that, but it may be true.

A lot of people start working at shelters or volunteering and think that they're going to get to handle animals all day long when in reality, there's a lot of cleaning that has to be done behind the scenes. Cleaning kennels and feeding the dogs/cats isn't the most fabulous thing in the world, so many people end up quitting because it's not what they thought it was going to be. Some would even LOVE to be doing what you're doing, as the front office isn't cleaning cages.

 

[happycat]

1st off, I dont think they would be better in Heaven now, because they could get a home and die peacefully of old age.
I think you really need to quit. It dosent sound like its worth the money. I feel so bad for those animals I hope they get good homes.
Hope everything turns out ok

 

[TurquoiseMel]

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts. I really just needed to vent.
I did talk to my boss & he said he doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable but that if I'm working office hours there's always a chance the animal control officer on duty w me would have to go out on a call & I'd be left alone...
He also said if I felt anyone was strange or acting weird that I could say I'm not authorized to handle the dogs without a manager in or something like that to get rid of them.
Since then I've had more training & did that after hrs shift which is walking all the dogs, feeding them and the cats, cleaning kennels & litter boxes. Which I don't mind at all ! There's a lot of land behind the building & the dogs get a 20-30 min walk 3times a day. It's got to be my favorite part of the job. I love spending time & playing with them. I thought it was gonna be hard for me to handle the bigger dogs since I'm so small but it's really not that bad! I'm sore after but I don't mind. My body should grow stronger and get used to it the more I do it.

It's still a really sad job.. I'm glad our shelter is different from others in that we give them a LOT more time to find homes and that we try to not keep them locked up 24hrs a day but in order to do that & be low/no kill means we turn away a LOT of animals as well. I could get fired if I take in an animal that I'm "not supposed to"... but I can't help but wonder that if we won't take them & an owner does not want to risk putting the dog in one of the neighboring high kill shelters won't that just ENCOURAGE people to abandon their animals in the streets and hope someone calls the Animal control officer to pick them up instead?? :/

I mean idk, I know we can't save everybody but it's just a thought. It's also so sad seeing animals that have been their literally their whole lives (theres a cat we have who will not leave his cage ever even when we open up the cages for them to roam for a few hrs bcoz all he knows is that cage)... or when old pets come in. It just breaks my heart. It's amazing they don't hold anything against people afterwards. That's probably what breaks my heart the most.
I have to admit I was in a messed up mood when I first posted and feeling scared. I think the only one who would probably understand the fear is RescueMe (thank you for sharing that personal info with me here <3). I wouldn't say "phobic" as BillsBirds said coz phobia is defined as an irrational fear, for someone who has been beaten up by a man & attempted rape any man who gives off that energy or anything that reminds you of the event is enough to give you a healthy dose of fear to escape the potential danger of being caugh in that situation again. To me it's a perfectly rational fear. For you it probably isn't. It may not be healthy but it's not irrational.sorry. The animal control officer got back while the second guy was there & said himself that somethin wasn't right about him & that he'd never give that guy a dog. He had to reprimand him for how rough he was being with one of our puppies and told him to leave. In the ACO's words the guy was a "nutcase" so again I do not feel my fear was irrational or that my judgement was flawed at all with these two guys due to my past it was more due to the energy I was sensing from them. The ACO for example is a large male & I have no fear associated with him at all; never felt uncomfortable alone with him or any of my bosses for that matter but with these guys I did.
Anywayyy, I'm feeling better about the job & I'm gonna try to maybe take the after hr shifts more often where I deal more with the animals than with the people but I'm a cute face and they hired me to be behind the desk for that purpose...(sense the irony yet?-__-) so we'll see how that flies.

Thanks again for all your kind words and your sound advice.
I love the job & I'm already in love with all the pets there so quitting isn't an option for me. I know I'd rather be there than anywhere else, coz even when I'm picking up phones n all the office junk at least I'm doing it for the animals. I'd hate to be at a job and have my only motivation be money. If it were that kind of job then I probably WOULD quit after being scared that bad lol.

-Mel

 

[BillsBirds]

I'm sorry if you took offense at my use of "phobias". I only meant fears, anxieties, whatever. I was not making a psychological assessment. Being uncomfortable, for any reason, or to any degree, is not good. I only wanted to address the Animal Welfare side of your post. Please accept my apology.

 

[TurquoiseMel]

BillsBirds, that's fine. No need to apologize, I'm sorry if I made you feel like you did I just wanted to explain since it's really hard to understand unless you've been there. But thank you for your comments all the same.

 

[PetoftheDay]

Be patient with yourself, okay? I am glad you talked to your boss, and he gave you an alternative "script" to follow if you end up there alone. If it happens again, think of it as an acting job. "Act" firm and say "These are the rules, I am not allowed to do this. I do not want to get in trouble. The animals will still be here tomorrow, you can come back then." Do your best "stern teacher" impression, and hold your breath if necessary to feign calmness. Then once the scary people are gone, you can relax, shake it off, laugh and count it job well done! Life is a stage and all of us merely players, right?

And you are there for all the right reasons. The animals need you, and you need them. Day by day, bit by bit, this can work.