RainbowRose
Member
- Aug 6, 2014
- 318
- 0
Tiki died last Monday. It's been a week and a half so yes it is still recent. I was suffering depression while he was sick. He died IN MY HANDS. Breathing so heavy I had to help him go a little faster so it would be quicker and not drawn out. Watching the life leave his eyes was the worst most traumatizing thing I've ever experienced. I can't stop picturing it. I cry at random in public out of nowhere it just happens. I felt depression, then guilt. Guilt that I shouldn't have helped him go quicker because it makes me look like a killer I don't know. (I didn't do anything vulgar, I just kept him warm in the blanket against my chest while stroking his head and just covered him a bit more so the lack of oxygen he was ALREADY SUFFERING FROM would just go quicker. I made him comfortable and it was quicker than it would have been. Not instant of course, because that would involve something brutal. I don't condone any animal cruelty. I'm glad it was with me rather than getting euthanized but I feel guilt like maybe I'm the reason he died (even though that morning he was visibly different and about to die, so by that night he was on his way out.) my friends and family said I did what I needed to do and what I thought was right and best for him. But I feel guilt like maybe I could have done something more. He was on medicine from the vet visit not even a week before. I feel like I should have done more but I spent nearly a grand on him with no answers every time. The Kakariki breeder I met actually bred Tiki and he said it was probably slow internal bleeding from an injury which would explain his weird drooping of one side at one point... But yea, depression, guilt, and now this terrible rage and anger at I don't know what. I'm hysterically crying right now angry and hurting. I can't believe this is actually real. I don't want it to be real I want him back and I hate that I tried hard to save his life over months and months and all my paychecks straight to the vet. I am distraught. I have never felt this way before about any pet. I don't know what to do but it is interfering with my daily life. I can't focus and I spontaneously cry or get enraged now. I am so pent up. When will I ever accept his death. I feel like he led me to his family so that I now have his sister, but it's not the same. She's not him. She has his blood and it was a miracle I found out that the breeder I met actually owned Tiki from day 1 before the exotic bird store got him. But it's not the same and I can't take it anymore I feel like I am losing my mind. I'm sorry for this long rant I just need to get this off my chest because no one understands. Why is this happening and when does it end? Why all these weird combination of feelings?please I am in desperate need of advice. I obsess over old videos and photos of us and I dwell on his death. I feel unbearably destroyed and hurt I feel stuck and don't know what to do.
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