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Old 06-18-2014, 05:34 PM
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Letter to Mother-In-Law : too harsh?

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My Mother-in-law called me last night and she started talking about our newborns name we chose.... we get along for the most part. I tolerate her opinions and 'advice', but she is very opinionated and she doesn't just state her opinion.. She tells me/her children/ just about everyone what to do and how to do it, and she's always right.

Here is an amusing example of what happened many months ago:

HER: Cockatiels are the best pet birds for everyone. You should breed THEM.

ME: Cockatiels are lovely little birds i agree! But i prefer my Conures. Conures tend to be a bit more challenging but I prefer that.. Well 'I' prefer Conures.

HER: No. Cockatiels are better.

Mind you shes only ever been around 1 bird in her entire life, a very sweet Cockatiel.


is a letter i just wrote to her, does it come across harsh or is it ok?

"Dear '**' (Mum),

I've been very tolerant lately of the things you have said, and I understand that you are going through a hard time at the moment with your menopause. I am sorry for my comment the other day regarding your menopause and pregnancy (I'm sure you remember), I wasn't thinking.

You have done so much for us and we are very appreciative. However there are some things I personally will not tolerate any longer.

I am very very happy that Chad is a boy and I love him with all that I am just the way he is. His name is and will remain ** 'Chad' ** ** . It is 'him' and I must admit, as odd a name as it is it suits him.

I am very glad we didn't have a girl, because I am no longer fond of the name Belaraine and therefor I would have been under far too much pressure to name her that. I quite like it however as a name for a hand-raised female Eclectus.

Yes I do want ** in his name, but it's not needed. He will always be a Suasua to me, and I can just make him Suar toys etc.

I am not ashamed of his name. Chad may be blunt but it suits him, and in all honesty I actually like it, I'm just not 'over the moon' about it.

I have no doubt he will get teased, as will the other 2. Teasing occurs everywhere to everyone for everything. It's our job and responsibility as parents to prepare them to be able to deal with all the nastiness of the the world. And we will do all we can to the best of our ability to prepare our kids to one day venture out into the world and know how to cope.

Many people in this world are incredibly self-centred, proud and egotistical. Why on earth would I rename my son to avoid the harshness of such people? Why should I worry what others may think? No matter what his name would be, there will always be people to make fun of him and bully.

I will not be forced to go against our wishes as a family because of a fear of bullying/teasing. That would be so selfish of me.. to change his name purely because others may tease him for it only because it is different. I will not live in fear of others thoughts.

(God) wishes our son to have this name, (husband) wishes it, and now so do I.

In my opinion to disrespect a childs name is a form of bullying done behind their back. ** 'Chad' ** ** is his name. If you don't like it that is not my problem, it is yours.

From now on I will not tolerate 'opinions' of this sort. You may state your opinion, but to tell a Mother what to name and/or what not to name her child who has already been named, is in my view very disrespectful, mostly to the child themselves.

I request that you not tell me (or husband) what we should and shouldn't call our son. Nor do I wish to hear our child's name being put down because you may be embarrassed by it.

I apologise if i have offended you or caused you harm of any sort. I must however stand up for our children in every way, shape and form.

-with love, Liana"
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Old 06-18-2014, 05:49 PM
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Re: Letter to Mother-In-Law : too harsh?

I think opening the letter by talking about her menopause sounds aggressive and like you're trying to dismiss her.

All in all I think the letter is.. well.. aggressive. I think you could state your point much more simply by just telling her that you've chosen a name and are sticking with it. I think it is fine to tell her that it hurts your feelings when she makes fun of the name, but this is more of a smack-down than a gentle sharing of your hurt and wish for peace with the name.

I am also a little confused by the letter (I'm sure she won't be since she knows the situation) but I can not tell if you are naming your son Chad or Suasua?
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Old 06-18-2014, 05:49 PM
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Re: Letter to Mother-In-Law : too harsh?

Oh wow- I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your mother in law. Family disagreements are always the worst.
I don't think your letter was harsh, though. Hopefully it opens her eyes.
I also recently had a rather strong disagreement with a family member(grandfather on my dad's side.) I wont get into the details here but just know that I can(somewhat) identify with you. If you ever want to rant or anything feel free to PM me.

Best of luck with the mother-in-law.
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Old 06-18-2014, 05:54 PM
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Re: Letter to Mother-In-Law : too harsh?

I guess I'm really unclear what is wrong with the name "Chad" in the first place. It's a fairly common boys name. I think the letter is respectful, but still makes the point. Personally, I would prefer to address her in a face-to-face conversation or phone call, but if she's more the type to respond to a letter, I think it's a very good one.
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Old 06-18-2014, 06:00 PM
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Re: Letter to Mother-In-Law : too harsh?

I think that the letter should be run by your husband first, since it is his mother.
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Old 06-18-2014, 06:00 PM
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Re: Letter to Mother-In-Law : too harsh?

She was the one who told me she had menopause and wouldn't stop talking about it and i sympathise/d with her, which is why i didn't tell her off over the phone for what she said regarding our son. (she was rather rude about it and was trying to guilt trip me into naming him something SHE wanted to name him.) i think im also angry with her for how shes treating her daughter (who is also my best friend). Her father/her mums ex died in an accident overseas recently and long story short, he did bad things when he was young but started trying very hard to be a good Dad a few years back) so my SIL is obviously traumatised.. And her mum my MIL keeps swearing at her and telling her how horrible she is and disrespectful to be posting things on fb like "I wish my Dad was here..".. My MIL has been horrifically nasty to my SIL lately... I think ive just had enough of tolerating her.


His nickname is Chad (suasua is short for another name i like, just not sharing real names on the net)

Yeah..family troubles aren't fun..
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Old 06-18-2014, 06:02 PM
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Re: Letter to Mother-In-Law : too harsh?

Wow, your MIL sounds like MY mom! She also has very strong ideas and opinions about things.

Gosh, what's wrong with the name Chad? It's a nice name. I think your letter is pretty good, very respectful and to the point. I agree, you probably shouldn't mention the menopause. OH, and the line where you said, "as odd as the name Chad is, it suits him." I would say, "as odd as it is to YOU, it suits him." because Chad isnt an odd name at all, that is HER perception.

I doubt if she will change her opinionated personality from reading your heartfelt letter, but maybe she'll realize that the name is non-negotiable, and shut up about it. Good luck!
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Old 06-18-2014, 06:13 PM
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Re: Letter to Mother-In-Law : too harsh?

kiwi - she works full time and is always busy and lives in a different state, and when shes on the phone she doesnt listen she just talks over the top... :/

That is a very good point Terry. Thank you

Hows this? Or should i open it with a more appreciative tone?

"I've been very tolerant lately of the things you have said, and I understand that you are going through a hard time at the moment.
"

Last edited by Kinny; 06-18-2014 at 06:20 PM.
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Old 06-18-2014, 06:27 PM
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Re: Letter to Mother-In-Law : too harsh?

Thank you Agapornis. That sounds better! I changed it to an unaccusing sound though.. ^^ yeah.. I just want it to get through to her that some things just aren't open for negotiation >.>
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Old 06-18-2014, 06:31 PM
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Re: Letter to Mother-In-Law : too harsh?

I actually think the letter is fine, but I'd skip the menopause part. I've had experience in that area

I agree, I don't get the problem with Chad. I know a few and it's a perfectly nice name.
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