The Parrot and the Burglar Joke

[Jasmine333]

A burglar broke into a home and began filling his bag with loot while holding a flashlight. After a few minutes he hears a voice quietly say "Jesus is watching you". The burglar is unfazed and goes on looting.

A few more minutes pass and again the quiet voice breaks the silence with "Jesus is watching you". This time the burglar is concerned and flashes his flashlight around and sees a parrot in a cage. "Did you say that"? he asked the bird, and he said said "yes I did".

So now the burglar is amuzed asked "what is your name"?, whereby the bird says "Moses". "Moses, what kind of people name a parrot Moses"? asked the burglar. Then the bird replies and says "the same kind that names a Doberman Jesus".

 

[LaManuka]

It’s an old joke but your timing is impeccable

This is an old one too -

Q. Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?

A. Coz the parrots eat ‘em all!!

 

[SailBoat]

Sadly, Parrot Forum has become a No Cold or Hot Beverage Site!!!
Cause the Humor just keeps on Rolling, as do the members -- on the floor -- in laughter.

- Oh, yaaa: "the same kind that names a Doberman Jesus". Face Picture of Burglar is limited due to the size of the eyes!!!

- A Joke that only a Parrot owner or any individual bitten by a Parrot can relate to: "A. Coz the parrots eat ‘em all!!"

Floor Slammers, in deed!!!

 

[Noahs_Birds]

Here's a good one....

There once was an Irish Bird breeder, he was a sinner, an alcoholic and a dirty man
One day, in one of his alcohol induced rambles, he accidentally let out his prized pair of extremely rare finches out of their aviary
In sheer desperation, he fell to his knees and started to pray....
'Oh Lord, I may be a sinner, alcoholic and a dirty man, but PLEASE, bring back my birds, and I'll be forever in your debt and give up all my sins'
All of a sudden, his birds came back and flew straight back into the aviary, and he quickly shut the door
He looked up in disbelief and said 'Don't worry God, the birds came back by themselves, no need to listen to what i just said'

Thanks
Noah Till

 

[SailBoat]

Spoken like a True Sinner!!!

 

[Noahs_Birds]

oho, i' on fire with the bird jokes.....

A pet store had a parrot they were selling as a "talking bird." A customer walked in and asked, "What does this parrot say?" The store owner replied, "Light a match under the parrot's left foot and see for yourself." The customer did and the parrot started singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way..."
"Now try the right foot," said the owner. The customer moved the match under the parrot's right foot and the parrot started singing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas..." "That's neat," the customer said. "But what if I hold the match BETWEEN the parrot's feet?" "I don't know," said the owner. "Try it." So the customer lit another match and held it between the parrot's feet. The parrot hesitated, then started singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."

here's another...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle.

They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1,000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Stuff dat. Dis budgie jumping is too stuff'n dangerous for me!"



Wait there's more.



Moment's later, Seamus arrives at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis." Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"



It's not over yet ...



Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Stuff dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. . . And now Sean and his Stuff'n hengliding! "

Thanks
Noah Till

 

[Jasmine333]

Very good LaManuka and Noahs Birds. Post more if you like, and anyone else.. Love good jokes.

 

[Jasmine333]

Blonde Horseback Rider

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, a Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
...... And you thought all they did was say Hello.

 

[Noahs_Birds]

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven ess. I will try to correct my behavior." David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

 

[Noahs_Birds]

Ohoho, i love this one

A blind man was walking down the road with his 'guide parrot' strapped into one of those fancy harnesses that you see in the glossy bird magazines

Approaching a busy corner the parrot launched into a torrent of traffic, dragging the man behind him

The blasts of horns and screeching of tyres is earsplitting as motorists narrowly avoid running down man and bird

The pair eventually reached the safety of the other side, where after a few minutes of gasping for breath, the man took a couple of sunflower seeds from his pocket and gave them to the bird

A bystander is amazed . . "Why on earth are you rewarding your parrot, after what has just happened? You were both almost killed!"

"I'm not rewarding him," said the blind man. "I'm just finding out which end is his head, so I can give him a good kick up the Ar$@#$

 

[Jasmine333]

A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.

The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner."

"Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

 

[Scott]

Ronnie goes to the auction. He notices a parrot that was on auction. Ronnie decides to bid for it and so Ronnie starts off with 50 Dollars.
Auctioneer: 50 Dollars
Voice: 100 Dollars
Ronnie: 200 Dollars
Voice: 300 Dollars
Ronnie: 400 Dollars
Voice: 750 Dollars
Ronnie: 800 Dollars
Auctioneer 800 going once, twice and the parrot is sold.
Ronnie to the Auctioneer "I hope this Parrot can speak as I have spent a lot of money on it."
Auctioneer Laughing: "Who do you think was bidding against you.

 

[LaManuka]

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"