how to manage grief

[HeadlessH00ligan]

hello all. here’s a brief summary of what happened, but this post will be a little long..



a month and a half ago, i lost my baby girl Mango. i won’t go into too much detail, but she had complications with her first egg, and was bleeding internally. she was doomed from the moment that egg started growing in her. i was not able to be there to say goodbye, as i had work when she was brought into surgery, and she passed shortly after being put under. the vet said that she held on so long because she was so well loved and taken care of, but the anesthesia allowed her to pass. i was unaware until i was on my way home..it was rainy, and a double rainbow appeared in front of my house across the street. i knew that was my baby saying her last goodbye to me. my parents were standing in the driveway as i pulled in. they told me then..



ever since that day, life has felt like it just dulled. mango’s siblings ( 2 other green cheek conures and a quaker ) are taking it better than expected, so i’m grateful for that. me and the quaker ( pebbles ) are slowly bonding, and the conures ( navi and link ) are a pair, so they are always preening and with each other…but the thing that absolutely crushes me is mango was my baby..she would always come to me and cuddle me, and follow me everywhere. we were so close, and she was my first bird, so she felt like my true baby. she was there for me during very dark and scary points in my life.

so, as i either am holding pebbles on her own ( navi and link do not get along with her, so i am really her only friend right now ), or as i watch navi and link preen each other, i just find myself always trying not to break down infront of them, because i lost my little cuddle buddy. no more cheek rubs, no more boops, no more kisses and little games. just emptiness and soul crushing grief.



i had mango cremated, and i now have her ashes in a little box, and in a necklace that i store next to my bed so i can bring my girl with me to places, and so i can talk to her every night. i tell her about my day for the moments that she is not with me, and sometimes i just cry holding her in my hands..wishing she wasn’t just a necklace. we play this game every night, where i ask her if she does want to go with me anywhere that day around my neck , to please give me a sign, and if she doesn’t, then don’t give me a sign. i don’t want to force her everywhere with me just because i want her with me. i know i most likely sound over the top, but to be completely honest, it helps me just a little bit to talk to her, even if there’s no more responses…i just want to believe that she is there with me in spirit..at least with me in that sense. i just hope she knows that i love her, even now.



and so this is where my question lies..is there at all a way to ease the soul crushing guilt and sadness, even if it’s just a little bit? how am i able to even begin to tackle this.. i am filled with guilt for not being there for my sweet baby. i dont even know where to begin to dig myself out of this hole.



thank you so much to whoever read this post through, i appreciate your time so much. i apologize for the length of this post, as i am very tired as of writing this, so i am putting everything that im feeling out onto this, lol..

any advice would be so appreciated..have a good day / night.

 

[Jcas50]

I’m so sorry for your loss of Mango . I have had many animals in my life which unfortunately means I have had to say goodbye to many animals as well so I know the feel of that crushing grief. First, know this: there is no “ right” or “ wrong “ way to grieve. If wearing a necklace and talking to Mango helps, that’s okay. Cry if you need to, talk to the other birds about her, whatever you need to do. Second: I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but it will get better. Eventually You’ll find you have a good hour, a good day, a good week and gradually you’ll realize that thinking about Mango brings good memories of your time together and not just the feeling of sadness and emptiness that you feel now. And never, ever feel guilty for having those moments of happiness. I know Mango was a happy soul and would want you happy as well. Hang in there; it will get better and I know the people on this forum will support you every step of the way

 

[LaManuka58]

@HeadlessH00ligan, NOTHING you have said here is "over the top", and you have done a very good thing to help your heart in pouring your emotions out in your post. Losing your heart bird is one of the hardest things any of us will ever go through, and it takes an awfully long time to get through it. When I lost my GCC named Baci, I cried every day for a solid year. Even though I got my Lilly a few months later who quickly became my next heart bird, sometimes I would cry for Baci to the point where I couldn't breathe. And then when I lost Lilly I was thrown right back there again, and I don't even what will happen when it's Lovejoy's time, because he is my little snuggle buddy. I agree with everything @Jcas said, there is no right or wrong way to process grief like this, we just have to let it run it's course. But the one thing you must not do is in any way blame yourself.

Birds are beautiful, miraculous little souls who love unconditionally, and they know when they are loved and that we do what we do out of boundless love for them, whatever the outcome may be. I lost both Baci and Lilly at the vet clinic, they both had the very best avian vet in the country caring for them but I lost them anyway and, as with you, the grief was utterly crushing. Honestly though, when I think about it now, even though it still makes me cry now to write about them, I think I would STILL have felt just as awful even if they had died here at home. Somehow we ultimately do get through it though, and just being part of this community helps enormously too, because there are so many who do not understand how devastating this kind of loss is, but we do here.

I have moved your post to our "Bereavement" sub-forum - you'll find a number of "sticky" threads at the top there which may help to ease your heart, even if it's only just a little, because little by little is how we get by. There's one in particular by a gentleman called John Farrell that I found on Fb that helped me put a few things into perspective after Lilly died, I will reproduce it for you here in hopes that it helps you too

"Attend these words. When your pet is called home, cherish your memories until you see them again. All too often I see people second guessing themselves. What if i had done this? What if i had done that? Was it the right time? and so on. None of us have crystal balls do we? If I had kept her in my house that night would she have lived another ten years or longer? Who knows? But I do know this - they had the best years of love and care with you that they could ever have wished for, so torturing oneself is totally unwarranted. Whether it be by advancing years, illness or accident, some things are not in our control. They are controlled by the One who gave them to us, and His ways are not our ways. Whatever or however, their journey is mapped out before we get them into our lives, so never entertain your doubts or uncertainties. The promise was fulfilled when you received them, and one day the promise will be fulfilled to you. And there's no doubt or uncertainty in that."

 

[kme3388]

I’m so sorry for your loss. Complications from eggs in female parrots is devastating. I’m going to be honest… there is nothing that helps that soul crushing grief. There’s no perfect words, or actions to make that go away. You have to allow yourself to grieve fully. Do your best to maintain routines. There is no world where you will ever get over the loss of a loved one. Time only shows a lasting memory, and a source of affection. The immediate shock won’t be as strong. Don’t feel bad for how you handle grief. There is no normal way.

 

[osklvste54]

Truly there is nothing to ease the loss of a beloved parrot. It's been nearly 3 decades and I still miss #1. I even occasionally call his name. Oddly he was a true pain. He embarrassed me so many times. At the time they were annoyances. I wondered why I even got him. But now I see the amusement and enrichment. Example. On a shower rod in a motel in Georgia, he began screaming a woman in duress from some movie. I ignored him
Finished our shower. A few minutes later security and Georgia's finest were knocking on my door looking for that woman in duress. I invited( they kinda insisted)them in. Naturally I prayed he didn't say anything. They were going room to room. If they found out a bird did it maybe I'd be evicted or had to pay thier rates. Mourn the loss. Remember the good to keep the grief from gaining control. I know it can be difficult at times. Especially with non bird people around.

 

[AMD52]

The Older I get, the more I have had to work thru the loss of my beloved pets. It is a process that each one of us has to work thru in our own way. I try in my good moments to think of all my beloved pets being together and being in good health. My point is that it is okay for you to greive, and only time will help the pain to ease. My heart goes out to you, and hoping that each day becomes a little easier.