Here we go again...

[henpecked]

I'm sorry you are going through this. But I also have to look at both sides of the coin too. Take it from someone who has been married for 40 years to the same significant other that there needs to be compromise on both sides. Yes, 5 birds is very demanding, especially when you add macaws in the mix. It was almost a full time job taking care of two birds, so I can imagine how it would be with 5.

If the strain truely is the birds and the devotion you spend with them then the choice would be a sad but easy one for me to make. Although they are family members, the birds are still animals and should not have the same comparison or take the place of human relationships.

Although i can agree with much of what you say. I have to point out the fact that many of my birds are still with me ,and a huge part of my life, the wives have come and gone. So have the kids, but the birds are still here and my "shelter from the storm" as Bob Dylan would say. Yes ,compromise is an important part of any relationship, but could giving up your passions cause resentment later? IMO,yes. BTW if you break up,,,carrying your Fids around in public is a great way to met girls, LOL. Worked for me.

 

[TessieB]

Very true! You partner should not ask you to give up your passion. Maybe your partner is not upset at what you are doing, maybe she's upset at what she's NOT doing. If you like to take your parrot for a walk in the park. Bring the spouse, too.

I remember the time the hubby brought home this desperately-needing-restoration 66 Mustang. In my eyes this thing was hideous. The cheap paint job pointed out every defect in the body work and the rusted top looked like a mangy toupee. What a waste of money! I know my husband. He has a tendency to 'forget' his restorations. And sure enough, the car ended up getting pushed to the back of the garage, and ended up taking valuable space.

So, I did some research about this particular model of car and learned this thing did have some value if restored correctly. Although this car was now a pimply powder blue, research indicated that car had been a custom order way back when and was pink in color with white leather interior. Ew, who wanted a pink car?

Anyway, I fired up the wrecker and pulled the mustang to the front of the shop with the announcement that this car was next in line.

"For what?" asked the husband. "You are not taking it to the junkyard. She's vintage!"

"Nope. You are going to restore her like you said," I informed.

"With what? That's gonna cost a pretty penny."

We argued hotly over why in heck did he buy the car? We stomped about and carried on for a few days then decided to stop knocking heads and see what we could do. The internet had not been invented yet, so I had to man the phone to get parts for this car. The hubby did much of the engine work, structural work, but he insisted I do the body work.

I balked like a scalded cat. Me? Do the body work? OMG! We argued over that for a few days and finally settled on allowing me to sand down the rear fender. (We had a spare just in case I sanded a hole in the thing). Dang, I liked the work! I felt like a sculptor. With the hubby's help we completed the prep for painting.

Next we discussed what color to paint the car. Since everything else was back to original specs I decided to go with the original color: Pink. Ew.

Of course we argued over that and the hubby sent the car to the paint shop with the order to paint the car candy apple red. Eh, well, I lost that battle. A few days later the paint shop owner called and spent a few minutes talking to the husband. I heard them discussing chrome options and so forth. Still miffed about the color choice, I wandered off.

It took us over a year to restore this mustang, and I wasn't really surprised it took over a month to get the car back from the paint shop-this guy took his time to do the job right-and apparently Ford was very specific on the Candy Apple Red variation and it took some time to get the tint just right. At least that is what I was told.

Eventually, I was told to use the wrecker to get the car, and Lord have mercy I arrived to see a pink mustang sitting patiently in the sunlight. I laughed as I loaded her on the wrecker and took her to get her insides re-done. I laughed when I returned home without the car.

"She's pink!" I declared. "Just like when she was new!"

"Well?" asked the hubby. "Does she look nice?"

"Well, if my name was Barbie, I'd think I was in heaven."

I still smile when I think of the Pink Mustang. No, we didn't keep her as her original owner tracked her down after a picture of the 'Tang in a Hot Rod Magazine caught his attention. He was stunned to find her. So was I, as to the only reason he still had information about the was because of the divorce. The wife divorced him, got the car, the house, and all the information had been kept for legal reasons.

Well, at least he got his car back. I wonder if 'Barbie' is a chick magnet for him? Of course now days people might get strange ideas about a guy cruising in a pink mustang.

She sure did bring the husband and I closer. The lug nut that he is. After all that arguing and carrying on we managed to create a beautiful car. Gotta love a guy who paints a car pink.

 

[Terry57]

Tessie, what a great story and an inspiration! Thank you for sharing

 

[Birdman666]

A PINK MUSTANG?! (in and of itself, does not compute.)

...AND HE WANTED IT BACK?! (Things that make you go Hmmm.... )

Great story.

Bottom line: My birdies are not going anywhere. I told her from day one that this was not negotiable. I couldn't live with myself if I did that to them, plus I love them too much... My birds are spoiled rotten. They probably wouldn't adjust well to being caged up, even if I found them a good home. They are bonded to Sarah and I, and they are bonded to each other as a flock... I just couldn't!!!

What this shows me is that we still have some serious issues to work on in the coming months. Hopefully this is just a bad patch, and we will work through it. I don't want to lose her. I love her too much, too!

 

[getwozzy]

Tessie what a wonderful story!!! My husband had a 67 but wrecked it in a ditch driving around like a mad man when he was a teen now he has a '51 Ford F1 truck that's on the verge of being street-legal.


My husband recently told me "I'm so glad you like birds..."

"lol what???? What does that mean?!"

"because I had birds when I was younger and I loved them SO MUCH! And now I get to have birds again because you love them too!"

"be careful what you wish for...next thing you know the house will be FULL of birds " HAHAHAH

 

[MikeyTN]

Tessie,

I LOVED your story, it give me a chuckle reading it. I for one couldn't imagine myself driving in a pink car.....lol......

When my partner and I first got together we used to have huge arguments but as the years goes on, friends laugh at us as we argue like old married couple. But now days we just yap yap here yap yap there but then we get over it as we no longer have heated arguments after 10 years. Birds was new to my partner as they were my thing. But my partner learned to love them over time. They bring me joy and everyone around me can see that. My partner wanted cats and I was very allergic to cats at one point. So we rescued some cats, the second one made me sick for a month then I was over it one day after taking benedryl daily. I haven't been allergic to them since. So now we have cats. I wasn't a fan of them but I got to love them over time especially since my partner wanted them. Compromising is the key, if you can not compromise there's no relationship!

 

[Birdman666]

Tessie,

I LOVED your story, it give me a chuckle reading it. I for one couldn't imagine myself driving in a pink car.....lol......

Compromising is the key, if you can not compromise there's no relationship!

Yeah, that's one of those cars that should come with a warning label:

"Warning: Being seen driving this car may cause shrinkage!"

Compromising is the key, but it's also about what you are both willing to compromise on...

 

[SandyBee]

It's about understanding and respect.

You need to get to the truth of why she feels that way and if there is anything you can help to do to solve this, that you are willing to do.

She has to understand what your birds and lifestyle mean to you and respect that.

It's about communication and working together to find solutions. If you can do that then you have a strong team working towards a common goal, if not..........

 

[Birdman666]

Well, the issue is I spend too much time with them, number one.

They are messy, number 2. So the three hour cage cleanings also take away from the time I have to spend with her. (That is 100% MY responsibility.)

And Number 3, she is a tad upset that I appear to be more affectionate towards them than I am towards her... (i.e. jealousy.)

One of the bones of contention is that the first thing I do is greet the birds, and calm them down. (If I don't they go off until I do!) She gets miffed because they should wait, and she should not have to... (I kinda get that one.)

Unfortunately... the way it works, is that if you don't want them to start screaming, you gotta give them five minutes first, and then they go right back to self entertaining. Otherwise, the macaw/amazon vocal competition for "you haven't said hello to me yet" will begin... [The bird that yells the loudest wins!] Anyone who has a pair bond bird probably knows they don't tolerate being ignored very well...

If I greet them when I walk in, that simply never happens. So, actually, by calming them down first, I get more "at peace" time with her... She doesn't get that part of it. Her response to that is "Ummm... No! I am not playing second fiddle to a bird."

So, one day I didn't. And three of my birds had a loudness competition...
My CAG, on the other hand, couldn't win that particular competition, so he climbed down from the play stand, and waddled over to me and sat there with one foot up in the air...

"UMMM... NO! Doesn't work... "

At that point, she wanted quiet, so I gave them five minutes of my time, and everyone immediately calmed down... [except her. She was pissed.]

So, that's kind of the dynamic.

And I'm a creature of habit just like they are. I've been greeting them/greeted by them the minute I walk in the door for over a dozen years. It's ingrained at this point. My birdroom is in the entryway of the house... I gotta go through them to get to her... I never quite make it all the way through without stopping and scratching heads.

"You love them, more than you love me!"

I LOVE ALL OF THEM... IT'S JUST DIFFERENT.

 

[Nakiska]

Aaaahhhhh...the "I don't come first" syndrome! I have personal experience in this department.

First off, I am a PASSIONATE pet owner of many pets...I love them all sooo much! I am guilty of walking in the door and yes...our birds...demand instantly with their flock calling...my/our undivided attention for the first few moments we come home...or else the flock calling will not stop. So in this...I totally understand! It is not a behavior you will change.

We also have 3 horses, 4 dogs and 2 cats.

This story is mostly about our dog named Snickers. She's owned us for 6 years now. She's a boston terrier, beagle and absolutely ADORABLE!!!

She is incredibly in tune to our emotions and takes it upon her self to be our stress relief. We often joke about her being our marriage counselor...if we get to talking to loud to each other, she will think we might get in a dispute, so she will go to the person who is seemingly the instigator...with her Wilson (her tennis ball) and DEMAND playtime. You can't ignore her...you can try, but it doesn't work.

3 years into our relationship..my husband accepted a promotion at work which requires him to travel...A LOT! I have my job commitments, so I can't join him as much as I'd like...I'm still learning to accept this...3 1/2 years later.

I have my hands full with our farm and pets. I SHOULD be happy....I have everything I could possibly want...and more!

As much as I hate to admit it, his excessive traveling...was taking a toll on us. Sometimes I feel like I'm just the "work horse" while he's off relaxing in "Luxury Land" all over the united states, dressing up, going to meetings, attending events, social dinners/drinks, relaxing in 5 star hotels...I feel VERY left out! (He travels between 30-50,000 miles per year.)

Already struggling to accept all this traveling, one evening I realized that every time my husband would come home from where ever he was, he'd walk in the door drop his stuff and Snickers would be all over him...sooo excited that "Daddy" was home and he would give HER his UNDIVIDED attention, hugging her, talking to her, petting her, playing the entire rotation of "Their special games" together...both happy as can be! For 5 - 10 minutes, meanwhile our birds are all flock calling to him, excited to see him as well...THEN he'd walk over big smile on his face "Hi Dear! Give me a hug and a quick kiss" walk off to get settled back at home with Snickers on his heels.

It seemed to me that I was simply an after thought...at first I'd stand there...watch this production with some amusement, usually smirk, roll my eyes and walk off to finish the dishes....or what ever I was doing...and later, we'd crack up about Snickers and her enthusiasm.

But eventually, this "home coming production" started to get under my skin. I'm NEVER FIRST...it's ALWAYS the dog! He'd say...I can't help it...she DEMANDS it! Or sometimes he'd walk in and make a BIG production of making ME first and making Snickers wait! This, however is VERY rare, because Snickers makes a HUGE production about coming in 2nd to "daddy's" home coming. ROFLOLOLOL!!!!

I should add, in all honesty...when my husband came home and gave me "first attention" it didn't fill me with pride, I didn't feel better about his home coming or feel more loved or important to him...I was too busy being mad about something else...like the fact that...he got to leave, relax, socialize, see new places, tour, and there I am...taking on ALL the responsibility of our home/farm going to work, coming home, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, taking care of the pets...day after day after day, the routine seems the same.

I had nothing new to talk about, because every day my life is the same...I got to the point, I didn't want to hear about his trips or see his pictures, because I didn't get to go...how stupid and selfish is THAT!

As I said before, it's been going on for 3 1/2 years and learning to cope with our new life has been hard for me.

One day about 6 months ago, I had to ask myself..."What is it that I want, what is it that I expect...what am I REALLY upset at?"

I love to draw, paint, (you can see some of my art work in my profile albums) read, play with our horses, play with our dogs, and birds, snuggle with our cats and a good book, I love having internet time to be on parrot forums, horse forums, art forums or play a game, watch silly you tube video's...etc.

And here I was...TRYING to make an issue of jealousy over OUR dog, whom we EQUALLY LOVE...because my husband get's to travel. Yep, makes perfect sense!

I can tell you, with near absolute certainty, that the issue ISN'T YOU. And it ISN'T your parrots. It's with in HER...it sounds to me like she's in a "funk" and is looking for a reason to BE in that "funk" and rather than look within herself for that reason, she's using your birds as the excuse.

Snickers is the excuse I used to be in MY "Funk" when my husband would come home.

Things changed for me when I realized this, I became accepting of his travels and happy to see him come home and laugh with him over Snickers antics to keep his undivided attention.

I realized, I didn't HAVE to be home every time he came home from a trip, it was OK for me to be out riding our horses, or visiting friends, or taking a walk with our dogs. And when it happens that he's home and I get home AFTER him...guess what...that "home coming" role is reversed! Because contrary to my selfish belief...Snickers really loves me too!

When he's gone (as well as when he's home) it's OK for me to take a break and participate in hobbies I truly love and fill me with joy. My husband wasn't making me the "work" horse, I was CHOOSING to take on that roll in an attempt to make him feel bad for being gone all the time.

I can also tell you...with most certainty...there isn't much you will be able to do, say, or change to make her happy. You will most likely find that even if you did walk in the door and go to her first...eventually...her "funk" will be something else.

At least that's how I was, why?? Because it's all I was looking for, I was TRYING to make him feel guilty for being gone, I was trying to get him to say...okay...I won't go this time...but he didn't...and now...I'm glad he didn't!

I have hobbies, I have pet's who LOVE ME and I LOVE THEM, and I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, that I LOVE my husband and HE LOVES me and WE Equally LOVE our pets...all of them! And when the schedules work out and my daughter is available to house sit...I DO go with my husband.

I should also say, that when we come home from somewhere together, Snickers runs to both of us, I give her a quick hello and pet, the birds are calling out in excitement and I realize...I ALWAYS walk over to them ASAP, and he ALWAYS go's through the "Drill" with Snickers, while I go out to check up on the horses.

What can I say?? I realize...It's our balance.

Maybe you can encourage her to look within her self for the answers she is seeking...ask her what it is she wants, what she expects, what she feels she is missing.

Does she have hobbies? I'm absolutely AMAZED at how many people I meet that have NO HOBBIES! And guess what...every one of them are in some kind of "funk!" and looking for an excuse...TRUE!!!

I know this is super long winded and if you got through it WOO HOO....or no hard feelings if you preferred to skip straight to the bottom to hear me say:

GOOD LUCK! I'm rooting for you! And in this situation I am confident that rehoming your parrots and even adjusting how you interact with them is NOT an option. PERIOD.

Take care,

Toni

 

[Terry57]

Toni, what a wonderful and insightful post! I am so happy that you are feeling better about your hubby being gone now. Thank you for sharing some very good advice

 

[henpecked]

Wow , that say's a lot.Sure you don't need a husband??

 

[BoomBoom]

If it's meant to work out it will.
If it wasn't the birds it would be something else, never lose yourself for a relationship and always give it the best of what you've got.

This sentence might sound cliché but it is the absolute truth. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Relationships with humans are not easy, but it shouldn't be impossibly hard.

 

[Agapornis]

Toni, what an amazing story! I totally related to it, as I am married to a firefighter who is gone most of the summer, and for days at a time in the winter while he's on shift. I was in a slump too, and took it out on him. What you said was SO TRUE about people needing to have hobbies! Now I have some hobbies, along with 2 little bratty birds, and am RARELY in a slump.

I hope things work out for you Birdman. It sounds like you really love her a lot. But you can't get her out of that slump, she has to figure it out herself.

 

[Maria_Metropolis]

Birdman,
You really need to think of the long term prospects of being with this woman. Of course on a bird forum we're going to all say, "choose the birds first!!," but to be jealous of animals???? To be upset because you're cleaning their cages???? I mean, what if you two get married one day and you have kids, and she complains about you not being around enough for the kids, and you have birds to take care of too???

If you end up with her, it seems inevitable that the birds will have to go one way or another, or you'll break up. I think you need to find a person who is more understanding, or more of a bird person, like yourself. JMO. She could even help you clean the cages, and interact more with the birds, if she were more understanding. I think she's being a bit selfish, sorry.

 

[Birdman666]

Well, first of all, we are both in our 50's and well beyond our childbearing years... Hers are adults. Mine will be 18 next December, so that isn't a concern. (Getting my daughter over the hump and into a productive adulthood is the next challenge...)

The cage cleaning thing has to do with the fact that I am usually too tired after working all week to do it in the Evenings, and I spend all friggin' day doing housework, usually wearing myself out in the process...

She wants to do more weekend stuff on the weekends. So, it's not the birds per se... it's what goes with them. And she's right. It takes a lot of friggin' time, but that's the commitment I made when I took them in, that takes away from some of the other things we could be doing.

The jealousy/insecurity thing is something that I think will come with time and reassurance... It's emotional baggage, and we all have that.

So, we obviously have stuff to work on.

We had a long talk last night, and I think we have straightened out some of this stuff.

At least for now.

Beyond that we shall see.

I think we can all peacefully coexist.

At least that's my goal.

 

[Birdman666]

Toni, what a wonderful and insightful post! I am so happy that you are feeling better about your hubby being gone now. Thank you for sharing some very good advice

Yes it was.

Thank you.

 

[SoCalWendy]

This is a great article, nothing to do with birds or anything but, though I'd share it here:

He said he was leaving. She ignored him. - The Week

 

[Nakiska]

Well, first of all, we are both in our 50's and well beyond our childbearing years... Hers are adults. Mine will be 18 next December, so that isn't a concern. (Getting my daughter over the hump and into a productive adulthood is the next challenge...)

The cage cleaning thing has to do with the fact that I am usually too tired after working all week to do it in the Evenings, and I spend all friggin' day doing housework, usually wearing myself out in the process...

She wants to do more weekend stuff on the weekends. So, it's not the birds per se... it's what goes with them. And she's right. It takes a lot of friggin' time, but that's the commitment I made when I took them in, that takes away from some of the other things we could be doing.

The jealousy/insecurity thing is something that I think will come with time and reassurance... It's emotional baggage, and we all have that.

So, we obviously have stuff to work on.

We had a long talk last night, and I think we have straightened out some of this stuff.

At least for now.

Beyond that we shall see.

I think we can all peacefully coexist.

At least that's my goal.

I did wonder about the age factor last night when I was writing my long winded post...I'm glad to hear it's comparable to me...I'm going to be 43 in April and my husband just turned 50 last week.

I just want to point out something...and hopefully make it quick...

Do you believe it's "Jealousy/insecurity" or is it "Control?"

You see...I wanted to believe I was just jealous of my husbands newly found "Luxury Land" lifestyle representing his employer 2 - 3 weeks a month at these conferences all over the united states.

But when I FINALLY opened up to the suggestion, which a friend of mine pointed out to me...she said...and I quote. "Maybe the problem isn't him...maybe it's you." I said, "right...and what do you mean by that?"

She said...well...you are having a hard time with things you can not control.

I laughed out loud and told her that was ridiculous...then I IMMEDIATELY popped off with excuses...Really...control? I don't think so, If I was trying to control him, I wouldn't be letting him go! PERIOD! It's just not fair! He's moving on and I'm stuck in the mud! I had every single excuse in the book to be "Jealous" and every REASON that it was OK to take this "jealousy" out on my husband and our DOG!

I told her, I'm ticked because I'm working a job I can't get time off from because we are short handed, I'm stuck taking care of everything, while he's off on "vacation" and he doesn't have to worry about a thing...but IF I get to go somewhere even just over night..I can't just pack my bag and leave...NOOOO I have to arrange for...blah blah blah...all he ever has to do is pack his bag and leave...no arrangements necessary... and the list went on and on and on!

One day there I was when it hit me...All the things my friend tried to point out to me hit me like a ton of bricks! As I thought long and hard about things that bother me...I realized...it really IS a control issue. I have "controlling" tendencies and make excuses.

I realized, it didn't matter what HE did, I was going to find another reason to be mad. I couldn't control his schedule, what time he went to bed, what he watched on TV, I had no say in what he did when he was gone, things he gets to see, places he get's to go. He certainly wasn't asking me for permission to leave his hotel room...but essentially...I realized with a shock....that's what I was secretly expecting from him!

When I realized that my friend was right, I felt no control and I started to analyze myself, I see these tendencies in nearly every aspect of my life.

That's when I realized I was "Nit-picking" him constantly, because I was trying to gain some aspect of control.

And it wouldn't matter what he did to try and please me, because if I didn't feel in control, I wasn't happy. But I wasn't seeking happiness...I was seeking control...THINKING that was going to bring me happiness.

WRONG!!!

I know now...I still fight my controlling tendencies...a prime example is when I decide it's bed time...I'm tired I want to go to bed and internally I EXPECT him to go to bed too! NOW! And I have to tell my self...It's okay!!!

He's not one of my children for crying out loud...whom when I said...okay it's time for bed...they got ready and, (on good nights) went right to bed

I didn't used to be this way I've grown into it, my first marriage was awful, no compromise, no say in anything that went on...then I was single and raising our 3 kids for 7 years, as I healed from our divorce, I realized I was in complete control of every aspect of my life. That was a GLORIOUS feeling! Our kids and I were sooo happy! We did so much, hiking, horse back riding, rodeo's, camping, fishing, picnic's, friends...etc. IT was just them and I and the world!

Then my current husband came into my life (we were childhood friends) my kids and I struggled learning to share our lives with someone else.

When you are ready...analyze your relationship. What else tends to bother her, then ask your self...truthfully...is it jealousy, insecurity or lack of control?

That's why I asked about hobbies...because that's my healing...I have to turn my controlling tendencies into a positive. I can control myself and only myself. I can use that control in a negative, or a positive and I NOW choose a positive...re-kindling my loved outdoor activities, gathering up my, mostly grown children...my youngest is 15...for an "adventure" day, horse back riding, visiting family, friends and neighbors, drawing, painting, writing, reading, of course...spending one on one quality time with our birds.

When I was in my "Funk" I wasn't engaging in ANY of my hobbies and I was miserable. Now that I've redirected my attention back to myself, I am a MUCH happier person and my husband is relieved that he can once again tell me about his trips and even show me pictures, without ME having a bad attitude...Oh and YES...Snickers still comes FIRST when hubby walks in the door...we wouldn't have it any other way!

Toni

 

[Birdman666]

Well, we both had crappy first marriages, and I think there is some fear-based baggage component to this...

We work in most ways... this is the first real rough patch, and we are both transitioning to now jobs, and soon, new living arrangements... and I think it's just a little overwhelming and frightening. It comes out in things like this...

We talked a lot of the issues through last night, and we're still talking...

My birds, her bird, and her cats are not negotiable. They have been with us for decades, they are staying. PERIOD! No one gets displaced...

And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. We try and fail. And we've both tried and failed before...

But if we don't even try, then we totally miss out, and become slaves to fear... and that's really the end of life as we know it...

I'm a skydiver. We generally don't let fear get in the way... I think our brains have a manual over-ride switch. "Fear switch Off." It changes the way you look at the world. I should take her jumping with me when the weather warms up... that oughta blast her out of any funk she may still be in by then!