How to Cope with Premature Death?

[getwozzy]

At first I couldn't bear to look at his cage or stuff and had to put everything in storage

I didn't know that story Shirre, thanks for sharing <3

Shirre has a good point, move the cage ASAP, we could not look at it without breaking down

Joe

Putting his stuff in storage killed me inside- but looking at his empty cage was unbearable. We ended up getting a galah a couple weeks after Jackie's death- some may say that's too soon, but for us it wasn't... We used the same cage, and it still reminds me of him, but she brings me so much joy -having her has helped my heart heal. (If you saw the tears streaming down my face at the moment you might think otherwise!)

Always loved, never forgotten.

 

[GW.Joe]

looking at his empty cage was unbearable

Always loved, never forgotten.

:smile015: Always Loved, Never Forgotten :smile015: Very True!!

The day we brought my daughter home from 17 days at the hospital she was VERY susceptible to having seizures (anything that upset or worried her in the least)

I kept the cage covered so she didn't know, she was still very sick and had to stay on the sofa (I had to be by her side 24 hours a day to monitor her breathing, pulse, and seizures)

That night I took the cage to the basement so she would "forget" about it, she didn't and asked about it, I lied to her and told her I put the bird in another room so it did not disturb her

About three days later she said she "just knew" something was not right

We told her as gently as possible, she almost had a seizure (came VERY close) Sadly that's how I really knew she was getting better, because with my coaching about breathing and controlling herself she was able to just hold on....

 

[sam4life]

Hi Joe,
I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go though the death of Poe and your daughter's illness at the same time! That must have been a terrible situation, and I hope your daughter is now doing better. I hate to ask, since it probably won't really help anything, but your handsome Poe must have been up there. Was he in his 60s or 70s when he died? (This is probably more of a Private Message question, but I don't have those privileges yet).

Hi everyone else,
Thanks everyone for the support. I'm a little worried that I'm stuck in the guilt stage of grief. I don't think I'll adopt another parrot, so it doesn't seem like there is anything I personally can learn from Sam's death that can be put directly to good use.

My mother quickly moved to sell Sam's cage after he died (I had been visiting another state for work and brought Sam out with me in early February [should I have brought him out? Maybe he would have been better staying with my mother for four months and I could have flown back each weekend, but she couldn't take him out of his cage and he hated her...the guilt just goes on and on]; I donated the cage he was using there to a local rescue). I still have his photo on my phone, and now that I'm back in town, there are reminders everywhere. I know I should probably take his picture off my phone, but it feels like a betrayal...

 

[getwozzy]

Sam was a part of your family, a part of your life- keep the picture on your phone. Celebrate his life, think of all the wonderful memories you made with him....

In the long run, he was probably better off with you than with someone he disliked, and I bet that rescue is very grateful for his cage

And even though you may not feel ready for another parrot right now, some day you might wind up with a another feather butt by your side don't feel ashamed or guilty if you want to even visit birds at stores- Sam will NEVER be replaced, but the love and joy these little guys bring could possibly help your heart heal.

 

[MacawLoverOf3]

I am so sorry for the heart ache your are going through.

Please don't feel guilty. I went to a seminar a couple of years ago with the well respected Dr Susan Clubb and something she brought up was the ages we have been told birds live to is not 60-70-80 years but rather 30-40 years. Granted, there are lots of birds out there that can and do live into their 80's, that is just not the norm.

 

[Allee]

sam4life,
I just read this thread for the first time and I am so very sorry for your terrible loss. Your story and your lifelong companionship with your bird really touched my heart. Those precious pictures of you when you were a toddler speaks loudly of the wonderful journey you shared. I think your story has quite a lot to say to people. A bird can be so much more than just a pet. Sam was so lucky to be loved so very much and he had so many happy years with you. I know the pain is terrible and the grief is brand new and it will take time to heal but I hope in time you will want to share your life and your knowledge with another special bird. My thoughts are with you.

 

[BEWolf]

I read your story and read it again and I can find no fault in what you did with Poe. You did not put the fluid in his lung and I am thinking that that and the heart condition is what killed him. Most of the meds that are being used on birds, today, with heart conditions have the side effect of causing a build up of fluids in their lung.

I am so very sorry for your friend Poe and for your loss.

 

[RavensGryf]

Please don't feel guilty. I went to a seminar a couple of years ago with the well respected Dr Susan Clubb and something she brought up was the ages we have been told birds live to is not 60-70-80 years but rather 30-40 years. Granted, there are lots of birds out there that can and do live into their 80's, that is just not the norm.

That is what I've heard also. That is ALSO pretty much what my vet says too! Textbook age is the potential, not the norm.
Just like you can say the human life span is 90-100. While that's true, MANY of us just don't make it til then.

 

[goalerjones]

Because of my beliefs I look at lifespan a bit differently.

When my conure George died at the age of 7, I was unprepared. Did it hurt me? Of course. We all know what kind of emotional Velcro these guys are made of. After the grief however, there was perspective. I shared my life with him the whole time I had him. But in Gods economy, he had exactly that much time, and no more.

 

[GW.Joe]

I hope your daughter is now doing better. I hate to ask, since it probably won't really help anything, but your handsome Poe must have been up there. Was he in his 60s or 70s when he died?

Rissa is fine now, turns out she had a slight brain swelling from a fall, they could not figure it out

We figure Poe was 40 or so, he was with my dad for about 20 years and then with me for about 20 years

Don't feel like you have to take his picture off the phone OR like its bad to take his picture off the phone
A Good Friend recently told me to follow my heart about my parrot problems
Just follow your heart, in time maybe your heart will feel different about some part of this that you are struggling with right now

Joe

 

[sam4life]

Hi everyone,
Thank you for all your replies--they are all so helpful and have been a real source of comfort at this awful time. While I think more and more people recognize how important dogs and cats are to people, I've gotten the incredulous "but he was just a bird" look from many people lately...

MacawLoverOf3 and RavensGryf: thank you for your posts about lifespans. So many places seem to offer what looks like false information about lifespans. I just googled "Lifespan Parrot" and the first result states "95 years on average"! This is so clearly false it is almost laughable, but I guess it is understandable why some people, like me, have expectations which are out of whack. And it is made even worse by the fact that you often read things like, "*With good care*, parrots will live to be 80." But if that's true, then it would follow that all these parrots that don't live that long aren't receiving good care, and I imagine this causes much misery.

goalerjones: Thanks for sharing your perspective. Interestingly, I have a non-religious friend who said something very similar to me last week. She believes that everyone has his or her "time," and when your time is up, it is up. I think one of my vets also believes something like this because he has spoken of "Sam's time" in the past. I wish I could share this outlook--it would certainly help with these feelings of guilt and sadness. Unfortunately, I don't think I can will myself to see things that way, even though I wish I could.

 

[Freespin]

I know the look... people I worked with at the time found it hilarious when they found out about my luck and laughed in my face saying "you have to admit, it's pretty funny". That hurt a lot. I eventually got them quiet but I had to get nasty first.

In regards to the time up part I strongly believe everything happens for a reason even when you can't see it at the time. Your baby must have been needed elsewhere but I'm sure he is at peace.

 

[sam4life]

Hi Everyone,
I received the pathology report. While Sam did have some atherosclerosis, it was actually mild. He died of a condition called Pulmonary Interstitial Fibrosis (PIF); it is basically a scarring of the lungs that, over time, renders the lungs non-functioning. There are a few journal articles on how this condition affects Amazons, but nothing definitive is known about its cause at this time. There is no cure or any established treatment options. I may make a post about this in the general health section at some future date.

In some ways, this information helps to resolve a bit of my guilt: I had been going over and over the night Sam died in my mind: what if I hadn't given him a bath, what if he hadn't flown, what if I had taken him immediately to the emergency vet or tried harder with the CPR (I did attempt to give him CPR but I was all alone and so freaked out that I did a very poor job of it). Maybe he would be alive today. But the pathologist told me directly that none of what happened that night mattered one way or another. The bath debacle might have hastened his death by hours, not days or months, and even if I had rushed him to the emergency vet, he would have died that night or within a day. My poor, sweet baby Sam simply did not have enough functioning lung tissue to survive.

Of course, now I have to deal with what caused the PIF in the first place. I fear it may have been brought about by pollution in my apartment (the building next door has a faulty boiler that has led to soot problems in the past). And I really wasn't as good about giving Sam baths as I should have been--he hated them so much!

So while some of the guilt has dissipated, new guilt has taken its place....

 

[RavensGryf]

I'm sorry about the necropsy findings. Unfortunately you might never know the "reason" he developed the condition. He could have just been genetically susceptible to it, who knows. Why do some people or pets develop cancer and others don't.

I wouldn't blame yourself for 'air pollution'. I have heard several accounts before of birds (Amazons) living for YEARS in a smoking household believe it or not, and still lived to be very old. I just think each individual has a different make up, just like us humans. Some just live longer than others despite good care or not.

 

[GW.Joe]

I have heard several accounts before of birds (Amazons) living for YEARS in a smoking household believe it or not, and still lived to be very old. I just think each individual has a different make up, just like us humans. Some just live longer than others despite good care or not.

As Julie said, no guilt in that finding, I know MANY an old couple that still smoked HEAVILY and had their Amazon live a full life

Very likely he was genetically predisposed

Keep your chin up we're all here for you!!

Joe

 

[sam4life]

I made a mistake and looked at some message boards with discussion of this disease in humans, and several people remarked that it is the single worst way to die (I don't know if that's true; I'm just reporting what several people said). And poor Sam didn't even have the benefit of oxygen or morphine that people get at the end. I just feel so devastated. I wish I had been able to take away what must have been such awful, awful pain and fear. If only I had known what it was ahead of time he could have died peacefully through euthanasia.

 

[goalerjones]

Sam, I am a hospice nurse and as such I have a different perspective. The fear and anxiety that accompanies humans in part comes from the understanding we ascribe to longevity, fairness, loss, and other issues like those we will leave behind and how they will cope with our passing.

Animals possess none of that baggage. He would have experienced fatigue, dizziness, and then as the Co2 levels rose in his bloodstream (quite rapidly due to their smaller hearts and increased heart rates), unconsciousness. His passing would have occurred after he was unconscious.

 

[sam4life]

Dear goalerjones,
Thank you so much for your compassionate response. I wish I could PM you but I don't have those privileges yet. I take your point about him not having the same kind of anxiety that people have since he didn't have the concepts that humans have, so that's just me adding something in that wasn't there. But it wasn't a gentle death; he was all bent forward and gasping for breath for the last few minutes and I can't get that image out of my mind. I'm so sorry to burden everyone with this, but that picture of him gasping and the feeling of his feet tightly gripping my hand keeps coming into my head. I don't try and think about it. But it just comes. At least two or three times a day. I've never seen any creature die before and it was just so awful. Somehow knowing the details of what killed him makes it harder--I know that's irrational since nothing about the experience has changed but I'm just so heartbroken that I couldn't protect him from those last moments.

 

[GW.Joe]

He would have experienced fatigue, dizziness, and then as the Co2 levels rose in his bloodstream (quite rapidly due to their smaller hearts and increased heart rates), unconsciousness. His passing would have occurred after he was unconscious.

I was going to let you know this also, it would be VERY similar to getting dizzy and passing out (which I have done) You don't even know what happened, you just wake up and feel like you were sleeping

Please don't think of it any differently

*HUGS*

Joe

 

[Sheryl]

Yes, I too, have heard that living in captivity shortens their lifespan and the longevity we hear of is based on their flourishing in the wild. But I know how you feel. My little one's life was cut short because of my stupidity. She was 25 and healthy. She did not have to die. I keep her picture on my phone. I watch videos of her. I want things around me that keep her with me. My husband removed her leg band for me when we buried her and thought I might turn it into jewelry later. I guess this process is very individual.