How to Cope with Premature Death?

[Sheryl]

Oh my dear. Just cry it out. Then think of Sam flying free now. I just know he is. It's us left behind that endure suffering. His is over now. He is advanced -- like Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Sincerely.

 

[BirdyMomma]

Dear Sam4,
Your story is so touching, both sad, and wonderful, because of the long life you enjoyed with Sam. I lost my first bird, a Lilac Crowned Amazon, after only having him for four months, and it was devastating. I unintentionally caused an accident, which took his life, and I will never forgive myself. Every day, I deal with what I would have, should have or could have done, and the fact that I am responsible for depriving this little creature who I loved, the term of his natural lifespan- the guilt is un imaginable.
I think you did everything for your baby, and that he did have a long and happy life. I don't think that you did anything that contributed to his death.
I still keep Bacci's (my Amazon) photo on my phone. I have HUNDREDS of photos of him, but the only one I can look at is on my phone. I tried looking the other day, at some photos of him and I together, and I just had to stop. My heart hurts.
It has been seven months since his death. That's almost twice as long as he got to live. You go on living, because you have to. You feel guilty for enjoying the slightest things. They pop up in your mind suddenly, and at any time..... And you don't want to push the thought away, out of respect, or love. I still have dreams about him, and cry. I am crying now. I can imagine how hard this is going to be for you. My little bird changed my life in only four months. You never knew life without Sam.
I will be thinking of you and Sam, and wishing you comfort and peace of mind. If you ever need someone to listen to you, or to talk to, someone who knows what it is like to be loved by an Amazon, please feel free to contact me.
Michele.

 

[sam4life]

Thank you Joe, and Sheryl, and Michele (and everyone else) for your kindness. I was fortunate to be able to spend 39 years with such an amazing creature, and I'm grateful for our time together. While there were things I would have done differently in retrospect, I don't think I ever took Sam for granted (e.g., I always sang him little songs and told him I loved him and gave him lots and lots of attention--after he got sick I even set up a camera so I could watch him whenever I left the house!).

I know many of you had far less time with your much loved feather heads, and I'm very sorry about that. Part of me thinks I shouldn't be so greedy and focused on the time I didn't have when I had so much more time than others.

But the pathologist's report has seems to put me back at square one in my grieving process. Except for the pulmonary fibrosis and some mild atherosclerosis, sam was in pretty good shape. From what I can tell, Sam's pulmonary fibrosis was probably caused by a combination of his age, species, and environmental factors, i.e., pollution. And the last thing was something I could have done something about either by moving (which, admittedly, would have been very hard), or doing more about the air quality in my apartment (which probably wouldn't have been so hard). I did have a purifier, but I had stopped using it recently because I wasn't convinced it was really doing anything and I had some concerns about it actually drawing in pollutants from outside and neighboring units. But I keep going over and over how he died and how I so wish I had done more to stop the polluted air from coming into my apartment. I should have done more research and had an expert come in here and set me up with the best possible system. If I had done that, Sam would probably be alive today.

I just keep going over and over it in my mind. It is now 6:00AM and I haven't yet gone to bed because I keep reading about this disease and its causes and what I could have done differently. I'm off work until early July which is good since I just cry and cry, but it is bad because I spend all my "mothering" energy trying to understand this awful disease that took my Sam from me and what I could have done to prevent it.

 

[Sheryl]

Sweetie, I had my little BFA, Bergie, for 25 years -- my husband and my whole life together. We always joked we had a baby before we were married since we got her when we moved in together. Neither one of us ever had children so Bergie Baby was our first. As a couple, we don't know life without her. I killed her with a Christmas toy. I didn't remove the toxic zinc bell. I gave it to her on Christmas day and on January 18th she was gone. The joy of Christmas giving will always be scarred for me. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching since and it is surprising where I find solace. I heard a grief counselor say that counseling is not for answers, it is so we can continue to function in the world. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe if you plan a little memorial it will channel your thoughts in a less-guilt-ridden direction and take up your sleepless nights. That's what I did. Most sincerely.

 

[noblemacaw]

sam4life, I am sorry for your loss. Sam was such an important part of your life and it will take time for you to work your grief. I had a therapist say "Be gentle with yourself" and I believe we all need to do this more.

Diego my Illiger's macaw died from a massive stroke in June 2011. He was fine and 45 mins later he had died. While rushing him to the clinic my sister was driving us in and I was holding him. He had trouble breathing so I breathed for him in desperation to help him. He did make it to the clinic but died while the avian doctors took heroic measures to save him. I took his death so hard because it was so sudden so unexpected. Diego was 9 years old. Way to young for a mini macaw to lose their life.

I have learned by being with my parrot while in the process of dying the bird will suddenly stiffen up and the head will almost touch the back end giving the impression of a kind of violence. I was able to be with my Eclectus Joaquin when he passed and in his last moments he did display this reaction I am trying to describe. Even though it was painful to be with Joaquin when he died I was very thankful and blessed to be able to be there for him during his last moments. He died in my arms knowing he was loved while I was singing his favorite song to him. I cannot sing this song to this day. I lost Joaquin in Dec 2005.

I understand the grief you are going through the guilt and how hard it seems to be able to get though your day. If need be talk to a professional to get help if you think you are having too hard of a time dealing with Sam's death. There is no shame in talking to someone as I had to do this after Diego died. I got to the point I could not move on and was very stuck.

My heart hurts for you and I hope the support from everyone on this form helps you even if its for a little bit.

Be gentle with yourself. Take care.

 

[sam4life]

Thank you Sheryl and noblemacaw for taking the time to share your stories. While I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, it does help me feel less alone.

Sheryl, I'm so sorry your sweet Bergie died from zinc poisoning after 25 years together. Of course, you didn't "kill" her--you were just being a loving mommy! There is hidden zinc in so many places; I only happened to learn that one of Sam's carriers was plated with zinc when he managed to peel off a strip of coating from what looked to me like solid steel. I contacted the manufacturer and they told me that all the metal parts on their carriers are zinc plated. I also learned that one large retailer of pet products actually instructs its suppliers to use zinc instead of stainless steel to save money! And this is for bird-specific products. (I had ordered a perch from a supplier in CA. After installing it, I realized that the hanger bolts were zinc even though it was advertised as having stainless hardware. I contacted the supplier, and he told me that it didn't matter; he was told that it didn't matter by the vets working for this major pet retailer. Which to my mind fails to take into account the fact that many parrots climb on the outside of their cages and chew things....) Anyway, I'm terribly sorry about your loss of Bergie, but from my perspective it is obvious that you have nothing to feel guilty about. But maybe we are just bound to feel guilty since they are so dependent on us.

noblemacaw, thank you for sharing your stories. Yes, that posture you describe sounds very much like the movement Sam was making--I had never seen him contorted like that before and the image is just burned into my mind. Like you, I tried to comfort Sam and sang him a song that my mother always sang to him. I am grateful I was with him, and I would have hated it if he had died alone or in the hospital without me. But the whole night was so terribly traumatic, and I think that's part of what is making my grief so intense. Literally all I do is cry and do internet research on pulmonary fibrosis. Despite the pathologist's report, Sam's vets are still claiming that he died of atherosclerosis, but I don't understand why since his atherosclerosis was described as mild. I think they are all sick of me at this point, and my request for an explanation has gone unanswered. It feels important for me to know exactly why and how Sam died, but maybe I'll never know...

 

[noblemacaw]

My noble macaw Mihijo died of a heart attack Oct. 2012 two months before Valentino was due to come home from the breeders. He was 17 years old. When Mihijo was 15 during his well bird check up he presented with such high cholesterol (1328) the blood draw showed his blood a strange pinkish red. A droplet looked like alien blood as I have never seen pink blood before. I really didn't think he would see his 16th hatch date. Dr. Blair diagnosed Mihijo with heart disease including atherosclerosis.

Through severe diet changes I was able to lower his cholesterol to 650 but it was only after I added in hot peppers I was able to get the cholesterol to lower to about 250. All his other numbers fell back in line when his cholesterol went back to normal.

It was my roommate who found Mihijo dead on the bottom of his cage. She was very attached to him and we both took his death very hard. I was somewhat prepared because with all the work Dr. Blair and I did for him and I in a way accepted when Mihijo died because of that constant worry I was going to lose him. After that well bird check up and the alarming numbers his tests came back with I was in such fear he was going to drop dead before we had the chance to help him left me so paralyzed I cried for days and carried depression for a long time with acceptance of his diagnoses.

Upon his necropsy Dr. Blair expected to find plaque on his great vessels but they were CLEAR and healthy looking. We did not expect that at all. As you are doing research on Sam's diagnoses I had and still do research heart disease in parrots. After Mihijo was diagnosed with heart disease I did all I could to learn about this disease in parrots. I changed his diet severely because it had to be done as Mihijo LOVED food, any foods. The change in diet did help Mihijo as I was able to reverse the troubling results of the blood tests. Also his X-rays over time showed the figure eight of the internal organs (on the view where the parrot is on the back of x-ray) began to degrade and on his last x-ray you could hardly see a figure 8 anymore. Mihjo also always had a larger than normal heart all his life. His father died at an early age but the breeder never told me why the father died.

I believe in Mihijo's case it was a crap draw in the genetic deck of cards. We were very fortunate to have Mihijo for almost 18 years. He was well taken care of, loved very much and he really did have a good life with us. My nieces and nephew grew up knowing Mihijo and each person has their own special memories of the little parrot that loved to perform for them.

I wanted to tell you Mihijo's story because he also presented with good great vessels on necropsy but had heart disease. I believe there is still a lot to learn and find about parrots and heart disease. I hope my story helps you understand more about parrot heart disease. There is still so much more to learn.

Remember to be gentle with yourself during these difficult times.

 

[sam4life]

Noblemacaw,
Thanks very much for your post. Yes, apparently I made a mistake in not having Sam's entire body sent out to a specialist for necropsy. Instead, I had a bird-experineced, but non-avain vet do the gross necropsy, and I then had tissue samples sent out to a pathologist. (I thought about sending his whole body in, but you can't do this with FedEX openly, and I was so worried that his body would be confiscated or lost) As you point out, the arteries in the heart can be clear, but the other arteries can be clogged. So I guess I can't know for sure what killed Sam (he had normal cholesterol and triglycerides, but I don't think that always means no atherosclerosis).

So far, none of this information has helped me with my intense sadness and guilt. I can find very little information about pulmonary fibrosis in parrots, and this leads me to think I must have done something very wrong for Sam to develop this condition. From what I have seen in the studies on humans, air pollution is a huge risk factor for both conditions. I feel so terrible that I didn't do more on this front, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself (I wasn't smoking or anything, but I live next to a building with boiler problems).

 

[95talongirl]

My goodness, what a wonderful life you gave Sam! How many parrots out there can say that they got to spend their entire life with their chosen person? 45 years is amazing! The photos of you as a child with the bird are adorable!

Loosing a loved one is hard no matter what. Please don't feel guilty over it. I honestly do not think you did anything wrong. As mentioned, all living things are different, so naturally things are going to happen to some that won't to others.

I also lost a parrot much to soon. My beloved Kalani. I adopted her from a local rescue organization and expected her to be with me for many, many years. Well, she developed a cyst that got out of control, which required surgery. (Funny to be typing this, as I found the bill from the vet's office today for this procedure.) She didn't make it. That was the worst phone call ever. I cried for days. I only had her for 9 years. And yes, I went through a stage where I questioned everything, and tried to figure out what I did wrong. The vet even told me that sometimes weird things just happen and there's nothing that could have been done to prevent it. It's life, and we all know how unfair it can be sometimes. So I've learned to just celebrate her life, and try not to dwell on all the what if's. Chances are there wasn't anything you could have done.

*hugs*

 

[sam4life]

Thanks for the note 95talongirl.

I try to focus on the fact that Sam and I had an number of good years together, and I know that many parrots lack the kind of stability that Sam had. I took my responsibility to him very seriously, and I tried to be a good owner. But this is precisely what makes his death so difficult for me. All the research I've done is pointing to poor air quality as what caused his conditions, and this is something that I could have done something about. And if I had done something about that, he would probably had many more years ahead of him. (The terrible thing about the necropsy was learning that other than the lung fibrosis and mild atherosclerosis, Sam was actually in very good shape for a bird his age).

The pathologist's report made things worse since I read it but don't have the background to fully understand it, and my vets didn't take the time to explain it to me, which then started me down a rabbit hole of researching things on my own.

I'm just stuck in this horrible spiral of guilt; I go over and over everything again and again and do tons of research and read veterinary journals, and email people, etc. I think on some level I must believe that if I figure it all out, then I can undo it. But of course that is crazy irrational, and there is nothing I can do to bring Sam back. It's just so sad.

I don't have insurance at the moment, but later in the summer, if I'm not feeling any better, I think I will try a grief counselor. Thanks for all the support!