Need advice, keep crying

RainbowRose

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Aug 6, 2014
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Tiki died last Monday. It's been a week and a half so yes it is still recent. I was suffering depression while he was sick. He died IN MY HANDS. Breathing so heavy I had to help him go a little faster so it would be quicker and not drawn out. Watching the life leave his eyes was the worst most traumatizing thing I've ever experienced. I can't stop picturing it. I cry at random in public out of nowhere it just happens. I felt depression, then guilt. Guilt that I shouldn't have helped him go quicker because it makes me look like a killer I don't know. (I didn't do anything vulgar, I just kept him warm in the blanket against my chest while stroking his head and just covered him a bit more so the lack of oxygen he was ALREADY SUFFERING FROM would just go quicker. I made him comfortable and it was quicker than it would have been. Not instant of course, because that would involve something brutal. I don't condone any animal cruelty. I'm glad it was with me rather than getting euthanized but I feel guilt like maybe I'm the reason he died (even though that morning he was visibly different and about to die, so by that night he was on his way out.) my friends and family said I did what I needed to do and what I thought was right and best for him. But I feel guilt like maybe I could have done something more. He was on medicine from the vet visit not even a week before. I feel like I should have done more but I spent nearly a grand on him with no answers every time. The Kakariki breeder I met actually bred Tiki and he said it was probably slow internal bleeding from an injury which would explain his weird drooping of one side at one point... But yea, depression, guilt, and now this terrible rage and anger at I don't know what. I'm hysterically crying right now angry and hurting. I can't believe this is actually real. I don't want it to be real I want him back and I hate that I tried hard to save his life over months and months and all my paychecks straight to the vet. I am distraught. I have never felt this way before about any pet. I don't know what to do but it is interfering with my daily life. I can't focus and I spontaneously cry or get enraged now. I am so pent up. When will I ever accept his death. I feel like he led me to his family so that I now have his sister, but it's not the same. She's not him. She has his blood and it was a miracle I found out that the breeder I met actually owned Tiki from day 1 before the exotic bird store got him. But it's not the same and I can't take it anymore I feel like I am losing my mind. I'm sorry for this long rant I just need to get this off my chest because no one understands. Why is this happening and when does it end? Why all these weird combination of feelings?please I am in desperate need of advice. I obsess over old videos and photos of us and I dwell on his death. I feel unbearably destroyed and hurt I feel stuck and don't know what to do.
 
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I'm so sorry *hugs!* PLEASE stop second guessing yoruself and thinking you should have done things differently. You did everything you could, and with love. At that point it was already inevitable.

The sorrow is bad enough, don't beat yourself up on top of it please. This will take a while to go through, and it's tough. But you will get through it and have some happy memories I promise.

Before I had Raven my Bronze Winged Pi (about 8 years before) I had a female BW Pi named Adrion. After she passed (euthanized) it took me a very long time to get past it. I'd burst out crying uncontrollably and unexpectedly no matter where I was. The tears would just come when it came into my mind. This happened for maybe a year after? But would we rather risk putting ourselves through this type of intense heartache and pain, than stop having pets altogether? Of course!! I hope there is a little comfort knowing that others know what you're going through. Take care...
 
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I'm sorry you are experiencing an uncomfortably deep period of grieving, but know that it is a reflection of the intense bond and love you shared with Tiki. Revisiting the memories of the past few weeks leaves you with a feeling of helplessness and despair as you relive the details, but please understand you did the very best possible, far more than most would do.

It is important to share your feelings with friends, family, and with folks here who have walked this path. May I suggest you start a simple journal, placing your thoughts on paper and keeping them in an envelope with one of your many pics of Tiki? Visualize that as a place of safekeeping for this difficult period. As the next few days turn into weeks, shift more time to bonding with your new birds; they will never replace Tiki but I am confident they will help brighten your mood and lead you through the grief process. I did this for one of my hardest losses, and have read the pages perhaps twice over the last 14 years, but it remains a source of comfort.
 
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Your a good mother to you babies. It should hurt to lose one. You have to remember that you were the best thing to happen to Tiki. Nobody would have done better. But only time will help deal with this. It's very tough losing someone you love. I believe that evertime you think of Tiki it's his way of telling you that he is fine and still woth you. You found his sibling for a reason.
Godspeed.
 
Don't beat yourself up and the past is the past you can't change it. I say that because that helped me when I had to make the decision to euthanize my schnauzer. I spent several thousand on her and the vet could not identify what the root of the issue was. I stayed with her when it happened, I yelled at the vet because she was in pain when it happened and I lost it. I'm even tearing up now. At the time, two days after I had to take a flight for work and was not doing well, I cried in the airport, on the plane the entire time telling myself to straighten up because I didn't want to be flagged for being too emotional. It took several weeks for me to stop crying. Grieving is normal and that's what you are going through. The time it takes to work through the grief is different for everyone. Focus on the good times and focus on the present. Keep yourself busy to help you get through and hugs.
 
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I'm so sorry *hugs!* PLEASE stop second guessing yoruself and thinking you should have done things differently. You did everything you could, and with love. At that point it was already inevitable.

The sorrow is bad enough, don't beat yourself up on top of it please. This will take a while to go through, and it's tough. But you will get through it and have some happy memories I promise.

Before I had Raven my Bronze Winged Pi (about 8 years before) I had a female BW Pi named Adrion. After she passed (euthanized) it took me a very long time to get past it. I'd burst out crying uncontrollably and unexpectedly no matter where I was. The tears would just come when it came into my mind. This happened for maybe a year after? But would we rather risk putting ourselves through this type of intense heartache and pain, than stop having pets altogether? Of course!! I hope there is a little comfort knowing that others know what you're going through. Take care...

I had Tiki less than a year myself so it's amazing how in such a short time an intense bond can form. I feel like a piece of me died inside as well. I hope I can get a handle on things soon because I burst into tears on the train to NYC, I burst into tears last night in grad school (had to leave class), it just happens out of nowhere.


Reading all of these made me feel better because it makes me feel not alone and I feel lonely without him so it helps. I've never experienced this before so I need someone I can relate to to feel better :/ thank you all, again I'm sorry for the long rant I just feel like I'm running around an emotional circle looking for an end
 
I had Tiki less than a year myself so it's amazing how in such a short time an intense bond can form. I feel like a piece of me died inside as well. I hope I can get a handle on things soon because I burst into tears on the train to NYC, I burst into tears last night in grad school (had to leave class), it just happens out of nowhere.


Reading all of these made me feel better because it makes me feel not alone and I feel lonely without him so it helps. I've never experienced this before so I need someone I can relate to to feel better :/ thank you all, again I'm sorry for the long rant I just feel like I'm running around an emotional circle looking for an end

We've all been through similar events with a devastating halo of sorrow and dread. No need to apologize for expressing your feelings amongst friends; the alternative of keeping your emotions bottled-up in a vacuum is unhealthy. Grief is a process without schedule nor finite ending, but there is an accommodation that will leave you emotionally balanced.
 
We've all been there - consider us your support system.

As for sharing your grief, remember - a problem shared, is a problem halved. We all need to share to help us cope until the time is right to welcome another little one, that also desperately needs our love, into our lives.

Rest in peace, little Tiki. You were loved beyond measure.
 
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See and I got two new birds but they are terrified of me. I can't even get anything sticks pencils perches let alone my hand for them to step up. I kept my hand in the cage for an HOUR today with seed. One bite. They are the opposite of Tiki and it's frustrating :(
 
I read this last night but wanted some time to phrase my answer.

I am a hospice nurse. And as such I see grief all the time. There are different kinds.

There's the kind that wants to see their loved one not suffer any longer.
There's the kind that wants your own suffering to end.
The kind that wants to spare children the pain of seeing something they aren't equipped to handle.

But distancing oneself from the outcome, the actual ending of a life, is critical.

While nothing can be undone or rewound, I will take this opportunity to caution everyone against direct intervention. Please use a professional if your pet is suffering, to end thier lives.

There is a tremendous bond that develops between companion pet and owner. I don't look at Hahnzel as an ornament for my home, but rather a member of our family.

Guilt, remorse, pain and haunting memories will happen anyway, but how much more when it comes by our own hands? I won't even do Hahnzels beak, nail and feather trims. I want to be the good guy. And, as for myself, I wouldn't want my hands to be the ones who made that decision.
 
Dear RainbowRose,
Please don't blame yourself. Grief and tears are a normal reaction to your loss. You did the best you could for your little friend, and what you are going through right now is only confirming your love. I was 16 when my little doggy was killed by a reckless motorcyclist, and I had to spend long time in a hospital because I got very ill after the initial nervous breakdown. It kept coming back for 3 years making me disabled and sending me to hospitals again. Be careful with your health - I know it maybe sounds egoistic, but there are other creatures who need your love, like little Tiki's sister. She needs your love NOW, and there is no her fault in what had happened. She senses your grief, but she doesn't know the reason. Depriving her from your love at this moment is unfair, I think. I know it's easy to say, but hard to do.

Hugs, hugs, hugs!!!
 
So sad to hear of your loss...no words can take away your pain and the length of time spent with our loved ones is irrelevant whether one year or fifty. Grieving has no time frame...it's individual. Take all the time you need...and be kind to yourself...
 
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Thanks for ur input goalerjones. I don't think ppl should be taking things into their own hands in serious matters like illness etc either, but I would rather him go with me holding him then leave him alone to struggle and die. A vet would have been able to do nothing because after $1000 all tests and treatments got us nowhere. He was terminal and I hate that it was his time. I just feel guilt I wish I could have done more but I wouldn't classify my situation as unjust intervention. The vet was also closed it was late, we would have never made it regardless. It really is situational I guess. I always took Tiki to the vet and I was planning on maybe euthanize my him the week before but I STILL said ok I'll try ONE more thing (like I always did.) it was just his time :( I am sad
 
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Dear RainbowRose,
Please don't blame yourself. Grief and tears are a normal reaction to your loss. You did the best you could for your little friend, and what you are going through right now is only confirming your love. I was 16 when my little doggy was killed by a reckless motorcyclist, and I had to spend long time in a hospital because I got very ill after the initial nervous breakdown. It kept coming back for 3 years making me disabled and sending me to hospitals again. Be careful with your health - I know it maybe sounds egoistic, but there are other creatures who need your love, like little Tiki's sister. She needs your love NOW, and there is no her fault in what had happened. She senses your grief, but she doesn't know the reason. Depriving her from your love at this moment is unfair, I think. I know it's easy to say, but hard to do.

Hugs, hugs, hugs!!!

Thanks, this sounds a lot like my reaction. I want to spoil my new babies esp Tikis sister it's just difficult because they're not tame they are so unbearably wild (both parent raised) so they are skittish. Tiki was a warm friendly bird so I start to compare which is wrong of me. I should not compare them. Yes they are not him, but they still are my pets I bought them. I will love and spoil them just as much, I just get impatient and need instant gratification sometimes :/ I hope they tame down fast...

Thanks again everyone. It's helping me vent
 
So if they are wild and skittish, they are probably lonely, scared and missing their parents! Try to imagine yourself in their shoes. They need a lot of your love and attention - it's great that they can distract you from your grief. YOU have to be their parent now no matter how difficult it is.
Believe me, the distraction is extremely important to keep you sane and be able to move on with your life. I've gone through one of the deepest griefs of suddenly loosing a parent… Only making myself extremely busy and taking classes kept me sane, until I ended up in a hospital again. I'll never have my health back again as it was before, and pain is my every day companion. :( The grief can affect your physical health very seriously - so please try to make yourself busy with other things and find a meaning in life. It is possible and it is necessary.
 
Please contact your local hospital and ask about any grief support groups that are around you and go. Right now you need the support they can help give you.
 
Please contact your local hospital and ask about any grief support groups that are around you and go. Right now you need the support they can help give you.

I think that's a great idea. However, if she tells people it's a bird she's grieving about, other people might not be so nice. You know how non-bird people are... Clueless! Say it's your relative. :54:

Check out the Peaceful Paws website (pet cremation and services). Peaceful Paws | Lake Elsinore Pet Cremation, Memorials | L.A. Pet Urns
Both my avian vets use them, and I can tell you they are a top knotch company. Look under the section for loss support. They have meetings out here, but I know you're on the other side of the country. You can call, maybe they have a webcast or something? Maybe they have grief counselors to speak to?
 
What you are going through is perfectly normal.

January of 2012, I lost Kalani, a blue front amazon that I had for 9 years and meant the world to me. She developed a cyst that ended up needing to be surgically removed. I dropped her off at 8am. Around 11am I get a call form the vet. I was sitting in the kitchen at my parent's house. I could tell by the tone of the vet's voice that she was gone. And she was. I immediately burst into tears. Couldn't even talk to the vet, I was crying so hard. It was embarrassing; but the overwhelming feeling of sadness just takes over! I miss that bird dearly. I went though the phase of what-if's, what else could have been done, ect. But the truth is, none of that will bring her back. The vet sent out a card and little memorial piece in the mail. I cried when I read it. Even right now, the thought of her is bringing tears to my eyes, and this is almost three years later! Death is never easy to deal with it. Even when its a beloved pet. It is ok to cry and to "let it out". It helps to also have people to talk to. Don't blame yourself, or think about the what-ifs. Just cherish the memories of little Tiki and the joy he brought you. Focus on the positive times. I wish you the best!


I also lost Kimi back in March of this year to PDD. Although I only had him around for 11 days, it was excruciatingly hard. Tried everything to help him, but it was just too late. That was one of the worst weeks ever.
 
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Please don't blame or second guess yourself...you did everything you possibly could for Tiki, including making the hard decision at the end. My thoughts go out to you, and I pray you are soon able to find some peace. I hope you are able to take some solace in the fact that Tiki was so loved, and he felt that each and every day he was with you.
 
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Thanks everyone. I reread your messages and they help a lot. And I am starting therapy this Wednesday at my local medical center. I'm glad I can go there cause there really is no time in my schedule I am already swamped in graduate school let alone work. So it's easy that it's local. Ya know I really just didn't expect to react like this! Just lots of what ifs are going through my head so I want them to go away so I can just move on.

On a slightly happier note, I went to Comicon and an artist made Tiki flying away into a rainbow as opposed to his other requests like super heroes and other scifi things :) It reminded me of pets going over the rainbow bridge (the poem for the loss of pets) so it was comforting :) and just coincidentally he didn't draw his face :52: so that was actually ironic and good for me because my issue was that I keep picturing his face in his last moment.. So... That was decent for me. Here is a photo:



I thought it was cute; I am going to frame it and put it next to a photo of him and I and his little tin of ashes will go in front of them. And he will be on the nightstand next to my bird cage so he will be right there all the time when I go to see my birds :) I am feeling heartache thinking about it but it is comforting me to do this stuff!

And thank you again for the posts, like I said I reread them and remind myself of what is.
 

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