OMG...I have to leave him

[ZoeS]

Also, if possible, move your kids and pets out first, quietly. Abusive men may turn to abusing children and pets to force you to stay with them.

 

[Blancaej]

Oh Phoebe, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please do not feel embarrassed or stupid! This is NOT your fault!! You have nothing to blame yourself about here. He is to blame. And you do have friends! We may be far away, but we all care about each other here on the forum.

You definitely need to leave him. I know, easier said then done! Doing it is the hard part, but once it is done you will be so thankful you did! You can make it without him. You don't need anyone in your life that treats you that way.

I know you can do this. Please, dig deep and find the strength to leave him for your sake and your children. Sending many hugs your way. We will all be thinking of you. Keep us posted.

Update: Just saw that he is supposed to move out. I really hope that goes smoothly. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Good idea to have the kids stay at your mom's that day. Just in case.

 

[forbey]

I've waited before adding my 2 cents. My father and my first stepfather were both abusers. At present we're dealing with another family member & in-law who has the same personality.

YOU need to understand, there isn't anything you did or can do to justify him physically or mentally abusing you, your kids or even your pets. The typical abuser will cry a river in between abuse occurances, promise to never do it again, then down the road do it all over again. (And frequently worse) Another trick played by these cowards is to try and convince the abused that if they had done something diferrently, or better, they wouldn't have had to resort to abuse.

Let's just say you won't find a bigger pile of BS on a cattle farm.

Whether the abused is a wife, child (or husband) the abuser will attempt to convince you that you should feel blessed that they (the abuser) are in your life. They may tell you if you tell anyone else it will get worse.

I don't know how anyone can convey this any stronger, CALL THE POLICE, FILE A COMPLAINT, GET A RESTRAINING ORDER, and most importantly, get yourself some detailed, extended councelling. The "vicitm", unless addressed by a professional, is more likely to give in, bring back the abuser, or worse, go out and find another one as bad or worse as the previous one.

Surround yourself with friends who will stand by you ... (I recommend you find some chivilrous military types if necessary. US Marines do quite well.)

God Bless you! I hope this all works out for the best.

Jay

 

[Merlee]

First of all get all the professional help you can get. File the police report, get a restraining order, a counselor to help you go through all the steps appropriately so that you do not lose your home. One good thing is that you have a job. Many women are trapped in their marriages because they do not have any financial ways to support themselves.

 

[Chelle]

I agree!!! Having the police there is a GREAT IDEA!!! And they will do it... I know of people who have done this before. DO NOT BE THERE ALONE! It will NOT go well!!!! Have a plan and stick to it... be safe for your kids.

 

[faeryphoebe1]

Forbey, what you said really struck a chord with me. I definitely need counseling. I'm the abused wife in that vicious cycle who keeps believing his promises. It's embarrassing to admit that but it's true.

We've been together 18 years and he's mostly been verbally abusive and controlling with me. He would humiliate me in front of the kids at times.

Last year, after I found out about his affair is when the physical abuse began.

I feel powerless and my self esteem is totally, totally gone. My kids, fids, dog & cat are the only things that bring me joy and he constantly complains about our pets.

My mother says that I'm stupid and need to leave him and lose weight.

Ugh. I've had trouble sleeping all week and I've been having panic attacks.
The police won't force him to leave. Been there, done that.
I don't have any bruises this time, so I didn't file a police report. My back is feeling better. Truthfully, I was too embarrassed to go to the ER.
I don't have $5,000 up front to see an attorney.

Maybe counseling would be a good place to start.

 

[SpotsandSally]

Forbey, what you said really struck a chord with me. I definitely need counseling. I'm the abused wife in that vicious cycle who keeps believing his promises. It's embarrassing to admit that but it's true.

We've been together 18 years and he's mostly been verbally abusive and controlling with me. He would humiliate me in front of the kids at times.

Last year, after I found out about his affair is when the physical abuse began.

I feel powerless and my self esteem is totally, totally gone. My kids, fids, dog & cat are the only things that bring me joy and he constantly complains about our pets.

My mother says that I'm stupid and need to leave him and lose weight.

Ugh. I've had trouble sleeping all week and I've been having panic attacks.
The police won't force him to leave. Been there, done that.
I don't have any bruises this time, so I didn't file a police report. My back is feeling better. Truthfully, I was too embarrassed to go to the ER.
I don't have $5,000 up front to see an attorney.

Maybe counseling would be a good place to start.

Well, your mom is partially right. Your not stupid nor fat, but you DO need to leave him.
Can you move in with a friend? Just, disappear one night. Tell the kids when they go to bed, fake sleep until ~2am (depending when you get home), then haul the birdies and kids into the car, and just go to a friends house. Quiet, no one knows. But make sure it's not a super close friend (like one your husband would know and look for you at). Or, and I know money is tight it sounds like so it might not be an option but, you could disappear into a pet friendly, cheap-ish hotel?
I know, it's scary, but you have to leave him, sooner than later. Its either leave him SOON, and be safe than sorry, or leave him later, and risk seeing if it gets worse.
We're here for you honey ((hugs)) stay strong

 

[Billy29]

Did you try marriage counseling?

 

[crimson]

my mother in law worked as a social worker at an abused shelter for women.
most women who walked thru the door in the early hours of the morning, had been badly beaten, with kids in tow, in their pyjamas clutching their teddy bears.
they had nothing, and they left everything to save their lives.
Often these shelters exist only under secrecy, they are average homes, with no signs, but with a revolving door for abused and battered women and children.

Only the police/ambulance & fire dept. know where these places exist.
they are highly protective of the women & children, they really are a safe haven.Most are equipped with surveillance cameras, the doors are always locked, and are very secure.

they feed you, get you clothing, you have a warm place to sleep, and treat you with respect. the counselling is top notch and they help you get back on your feet. some mothers can stay for up to a year or more, depending on the situation.
But most of all they support you in many different ways. most of these women who walk thru the doors, are at the end of their rope, and have no where else to turn. MOST of them do NOT want the police involved.

I'm not saying you have to stay there, it's only an option if need be. If you can find out where a shelter is in your area, you could call them to find out what your options are, if you don't want the police involved.

I am only to assume once a woman starts the process you have to trust the system.
womens shelters specialize in this area and know the laws inside and out. They also have to file a report with the police, so rather than you going to the police, now you have back up, and support.

Phoebe, if you DON'T file a report it will be your word against his...

 

[SoCalWendy]

Forbey, what you said really struck a chord with me. I definitely need counseling. I'm the abused wife in that vicious cycle who keeps believing his promises. It's embarrassing to admit that but it's true.

We've been together 18 years and he's mostly been verbally abusive and controlling with me. He would humiliate me in front of the kids at times.

Last year, after I found out about his affair is when the physical abuse began.

I feel powerless and my self esteem is totally, totally gone. My kids, fids, dog & cat are the only things that bring me joy and he constantly complains about our pets.

My mother says that I'm stupid and need to leave him and lose weight.

Ugh. I've had trouble sleeping all week and I've been having panic attacks.
The police won't force him to leave. Been there, done that.
I don't have any bruises this time, so I didn't file a police report. My back is feeling better. Truthfully, I was too embarrassed to go to the ER.
I don't have $5,000 up front to see an attorney.

Maybe counseling would be a good place to start.

Your NOT stupid, your an abused woman! And its not your fault. I don't know your mother/daughter relationship but sounds like she is either too close to the situation, or she is apathetic to it. In both cases obviously she isn't much help to you.

Counseling is a great place to start. Many will see clients on a sliding scale. I suffer from PTSD stemming from past violence that happened to me when I was 16-19, and into my early 20's. I am now 48. There is no shame in talking about it, in fact the more you do, the better you will feel.

I have been dealing PTSD for a long time, I went to counseling off and on and just last year for a few months, so I could learn to 'cope' with my reactions to certain stimuli, which is usually when I feel like I am not in control of a situation. Many times I have no control over how I react, but as soon as I get myself under control, I can usually focus on the 'present' and that I am not in danger.

I also have fibromyalgia. My nervous system is shot. When my muscles tense, it feels like I am being stabbed all over my body because my brain tells my nerves to tell my muscles to react. I have no control over it. I do take certain nervine herbs, and they do help. ALOT! Most of my friends know not to approach me from behind, or to let me know where the are. The fist time I knew I had a problem was when coming home from my honeymoon we stopped off at the store to bring home a few things. When I was bending over to get some 7-up my 'then' husband grabbed me from behind. I hit him so hard I knocked the wind out of him. I was horrified, as stood there watching him he was trying to catch his breath. It was a total freak accident. As the years went by, I had panic attacks, and many other problems. I had no idea where it was all coming from. I was trying to 'cope' and he was shutting down, eventually we divorced. We were married 8 years. Don't get me wrong I never abused him, rather he ended up abusing me. I left him. It was one of the hardest things I could do, but I knew if I didn't leave I would die and that would leave my child without a mother.

While I was going through my divorce, I was also being sexually harassed at work. I was one angry woman. It wasn't until I met and married my current husband that I realized that I had PTSD. When I was 16, I was kidnapped at gun point. 16-19 I was physically abused by a boyfriend. He was a total control freak, and I had no self esteem. I won't go in to the details other than I still have a broken bone in my face. In my 20's I was abused by my ex husband. It doesn't bother me anymore to talk about it, especially if my story can help someone else.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia when I was 31. Now at 48, I can only take it one day at a time. Which is all we are supposed to do. And that's all you can do right now too, is to take it one day at a time. Right now all you can see is what it right in front of you, and it's a mess. But as you take it one day at a time, the mess with eventually clear up and you will gain focus, self esteem, and power.

Sorry this was so long, but it kept coming out. (((Hugs)))

 

[Featheredsamurai]

It breaks my heart to know so many members on here have suffered mental and physical abuse Only good thing is how many of you have found happiness and turned your life around.

Only you can decide what is right. If he's hurt you more than once it will happen again, you've already seen that his word means nothing from the broken promises he's already made about changing. A husband is supposed to be one of your best friends, someone you can talk to openly without being judged. A friend who protects you while you protect them.

 

[SoCalWendy]

It breaks my heart to know so many members on here have suffered mental and physical abuse Only good thing is how many of you have found happiness and turned your life around.

Only you can decide what is right. If he's hurt you more than once it will happen again, you've already seen that his word means nothing from the broken promises he's already made about changing. A husband is supposed to be one of your best friends, someone you can talk to openly without being judged. A friend who protects you while you protect them.

When Pheobe first posted, I sighed and my heart sank. She is so brave, a lot braver then she thinks right now. To reach out is the first step, even if it's in the form of a forum like this one. Many are suffering from abuse, and the long term affects of it. I thank my God everyday for the people in my life that have stood by me all these years. To my husband and my children who may not always know what to do, but they are tender towards me during my moments of insanity. My son was so young (9) but he knew, and for a long time he would ask questions. I would try and satisfy is answers while not trying to ruin the relationship he had with his dad. I never spoke ill of his dad (it was not reciprocated) but I knew it was the right thing. Finally last year, he is 28 now, he brought it up again, and I was finally able to discuss some things in more detail with him. It cleared something's up for him to have some closure. Kids are resilient, but they know and it does affect them.

 

[faeryphoebe1]

SoCalWendy, your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing what you've been through. Maybe I can be brave. Your message gives me hope!

I'm afraid of two things: him and my mother.

Over the last 2 days I actually considered staying with him so that the kids could stay in their school, but deep down, I know that he will physically hurt me again and that I'll never be safe if we live together.

My mother does a lot for me and the kids but she's going to lose it and get verbally abusive if I pull them out of school to homeschool them.

However, I really do believe that it's what I need to do. I have a Bachelor of Science in nursing, so I know that I can do this (even if my mother says that I can't). I can even ask my supervisor if she can schedule my 4 work days per week together (I work 32 hours/week), so that I can homeschool 3 days in a row. I might need to hire a tutor if I run into trouble with Physics or Calculus, but other than that, I'm pretty solid with Science, English Social Studies and History. I think that I can handle Algebra and Geometry fine, as well. Daughter is 9th grade and son is 5th.

I'm looking at some homeschool curriculums now.

Wendy, I also have Fibromyalgia and PTSD.

Bill, we went to marriage counseling for several months last year but it didn't help with his violence.

Edit: I forgot to add that on my work days, we can do a few hours of homeschooling.

 

[ruffledfeathers]

You can work it out! Keep believing yourself, listen to your inner voice like that and know that you are totally capable. Your last post just sounds more confident already.

 

[MikeyTN]

I'm still checking up on you! It's the first thing I think about doing in the morning is to check up on you!

 

[Chelle]

I'm still checking up on you! It's the first thing I think about doing in the morning is to check up on you!

I feel the same as Mikey! I find myself constantly wondering if you are ok! **HUGS**

 

[faeryphoebe1]

Thank you so much, Ruffled, Mikey, Chelle and everyone. There are so many kind, caring people here!

It's been a bit tricky acting normal at work when I feel like I'm going to cry, but I'm taking it day by day, like someone on here advised.

Sunny has been kind of grumpy because I haven't taken him outside since last weekend. I'm gonna try to take him out tomorrow before I go to work, if it's not too cold.

 

[MikeyTN]

I think you just need a friend to sit there with to talk to and have a good cry. Get it out of your system and take better care of yourself!!!

 

[drlisaort]

My heart surely goes out to you! Your story tugged at my heart reminding me of my story many, many years ago. It wasn't easy to leave but it was the BEST think I ever did. I didn't have a job, my mortgage was four months behind (which I didn't know!) and I had a little baby and my entire family lived many states away. Today, my baby is graduating law school in May and I'm married to my prince of over 20 years and life is filled with peace. I found Women in Distress (not sure if you have this where you live) and they helped me tremendously and slowly I began to pull my life together and went on to get higher education which led to a higher income and the rest is history. It sounds like you have had enough and now it's your turn to live life in peace. You can do it!

 

[getwozzy]

Over the last 2 days I actually considered staying with him so that the kids could stay in their school, but deep down, I know that he will physically hurt me again and that I'll never be safe if we live together.

My mother does a lot for me and the kids but she's going to lose it and get verbally abusive if I pull them out of school to homeschool them

I made the mistake of going back to my ex once, thinking he changed. Boy was I wrong! He never changed, and in fact things got worse. Please don't change your mind about leaving him

And your mom can say whatever she wants, but the bottom line is- YOU'RE their mother and you're doing what's best for them and you. There's nothing wrong with homeschooling. My SIL has 5 kids (11, 10, 8, 5, 2, and one on the way) and she homeschools ALL of them...well, except the one still incubating All of those kids have different ways of learning, ADHD, etc but they actually do better being homeschooled than going to public schools.

You can do it. I know you're doubting yourself, and everything is really stressful and anxiety levels are out the roof right now, but you can do this.