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[Scott]

Broil (Having vowed to stay in Yaoundé and eat every spammer in town to gain local reputation, Snappy hit upon a plan to broil them in a steaming cauldron heaped with offal, organ meat, moths and sloth algae in order to add that indispensable umami flavour to the recipe, intoning the ancient and glorious chant "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" and letting rip with some deathly sizzling sharts as he did so!)

Roils (Snappy roils every spammer in Yaoundé with pernicious fear and dread. At least a dozen have been broiled in a steaming cauldron heaped with offal, organ meat, moths and sloth algae with abundant umami flavorings. Some are paralyzed with dread of ignominious end as mere sizzling sharts. A local shaman advised intoning the ancient and glorious chant "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" in hopes of securing divine protection from a marauding croc.)

 

[LaManuka]

Roils (Snappy roils every spammer in Yaoundé with pernicious fear and dread. At least a dozen have been broiled in a steaming cauldron heaped with offal, organ meat, moths and sloth algae with abundant umami flavorings. Some are paralyzed with dread of ignominious end as mere sizzling sharts. A local shaman advised intoning the ancient and glorious chant "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" in hopes of securing divine protection from a marauding croc.)

Foils (With his legendary cunning and guile, Snappy foils all pushers of Cameroonian spam when he dupes the local shaman into believing that chanting the ancient and noble incantation "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" will keep crocs away. Quite the opposite! Indeed the truth is that crocs are inexorably drawn from all over the planet by it's pulsating, irresistible and rhythmic vibrations!)

 

[Scott]

Foils (With his legendary cunning and guile, Snappy foils all pushers of Cameroonian spam when he dupes the local shaman into believing that chanting the ancient and noble incantation "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" will keep crocs away. Quite the opposite! Indeed the truth is that crocs are inexorably drawn from all over the planet by it's pulsating, irresistible and rhythmic vibrations!)

Fools (Only fools believe the ancient and noble incantation "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" keeps crocs away. Snippy also uses legendary cunning and guile to arrange chant broadcast stations on every continent. Soon every croc on the planet is drawn to Yaoundé for Hunger Games style competition.)

 

[LaManuka]

Fools (Only fools believe the ancient and noble incantation "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" keeps crocs away. Snippy also uses legendary cunning and guile to arrange chant broadcast stations on every continent. Soon every croc on the planet is drawn to Yaoundé for Hunger Games style competition.)

Stool (The stool-softening qualities associated with a good half hour's chanting of that ancient and noble incantation "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" are legendary. Not even the most solidly backed up stoolage can resist the relieving oscillations caused by it's pulsating, irresistible and rhythmic vibrations for long!)

 

[Scott]

Stool (The stool-softening qualities associated with a good half hour's chanting of that ancient and noble incantation "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" are legendary. Not even the most solidly backed up stoolage can resist the relieving oscillations caused by it's pulsating, irresistible and rhythmic vibrations for long!)

Boost (Community chanting of the ancient and noble incantation "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" proven to boost digestive effects with pulsating, and rhythmic vibrations. Stoolage is superheated and jolts out of cloacas at scalding temperatures, leaving skidmarks of twenty feet/six meters length.)

Speaking of skid marks....
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[LaManuka]

Boost (Community chanting of the ancient and noble incantation "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" proven to boost digestive effects with pulsating, and rhythmic vibrations. Stoolage is superheated and jolts out of cloacas at scalding temperatures, leaving skidmarks of twenty feet/six meters length.)

Toots (With a few melodious toots from his rectally inserted nose flute, Snappy plays musical accompaniment to Snippy as she solemnly intones that ancient and glorious mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu", enticing Cameroonian spam marketeers from miles around, who leave many many skid marks in their haste to gaze upon Snippy's ravishing beauty and to ply Snappy with their spammy wares!)

 

[Scott]

Toots (With a few melodious toots from his rectally inserted nose flute, Snappy plays musical accompaniment to Snippy as she solemnly intones that ancient and glorious mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu", enticing Cameroonian spam marketeers from miles around, who leave many many skid marks in their haste to gaze upon Snippy's ravishing beauty and to ply Snappy with their spammy wares!)

Scoot (Rectally inserted nose flute music and soothing intonation of that ancient and glorious mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" induces trance state causing thousands of Cameroonian spammers to scoot their bums on streets and sidewalks. City cleaners went on protest strike, diaper sales surged.)

 

[LaManuka]

Scoot (Rectally inserted nose flute music and soothing intonation of that ancient and glorious mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" induces trance state causing thousands of Cameroonian spammers to scoot their bums on streets and sidewalks. City cleaners went on protest strike, diaper sales surged.)

Scott (Himself enraptured by chanting that cosmic and mystical mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" and thus reaching a state of blissful Nirvana, Super Moderator Scott is now so seduced by Snippy's ravishing beauty that he allows her to feed him Spam tacos, lovingly made to her own special offal, organ meat, moth and sloth algae recipe, regardless of the dire consequences for his own delicate micro-biome!)

 

[Scott]

Scott (Himself enraptured by chanting that cosmic and mystical mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" and thus reaching a state of blissful Nirvana, Super Moderator Scott is now so seduced by Snippy's ravishing beauty that he allows her to feed him Spam tacos, lovingly made to her own special offal, organ meat, moth and sloth algae recipe, regardless of the dire consequences for his own delicate micro-biome!)

Toast (Snippy's ravishing beauty and lovingly made Spam tacos from special offal, organ meat, moth and sloth algae recipe totally seduced Scott. A torrid romance ensued, rendering Snippy's relationship with Snappy toast. Scott and Snippy constantly chanted that cosmic and mystical mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" as protection from an insanely vindictive Snappy.)

 

[LaManuka]

Toast (Snippy's ravishing beauty and lovingly made Spam tacos from special offal, organ meat, moth and sloth algae recipe totally seduced Scott. A torrid romance ensued, rendering Snippy's relationship with Snappy toast. Scott and Snippy constantly chanted that cosmic and mystical mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" as protection from an insanely vindictive Snappy.)

Roast (Snippy further enchants Scott with more of her culinary masterpieces, including an amazingly succulent and scrumptious Cameroonian Spam Roast! Scott's carefully cultivated microbiome is completely laid waste by the onslaught of Snippy's formidable cookery and in desperation he intones that cosmic and mystical mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" in a last ditch attempt to rescue his gut flora as it faces extinction!)

 

[Scott]

Roast (Snippy further enchants Scott with more of her culinary masterpieces, including an amazingly succulent and scrumptious Cameroonian Spam Roast! Scott's carefully cultivated microbiome is completely laid waste by the onslaught of Snippy's formidable cookery and in desperation he intones that cosmic and mystical mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" in a last ditch attempt to rescue his gut flora as it faces extinction!)

Boast (Snippy may boast her succulent and scrumptious Cameroonian Spam Roast is masterpiece, but it totally laid waste to Scott's gut flora. Each bite meandered undigested through his digestive system, rendering him emaciated and malnourished. Chewed morsels passed through his cloaca as recognizable bits and happily consumed by homeless chanting that cosmic and mystical mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" in gratitude of Snippy's culinary excellence.)

 

[LaManuka]

Boast (Snippy may boast her succulent and scrumptious Cameroonian Spam Roast is masterpiece, but it totally laid waste to Scott's gut flora. Each bite meandered undigested through his digestive system, rendering him emaciated and malnourished. Chewed morsels passed through his cloaca as recognizable bits and happily consumed by homeless chanting that cosmic and mystical mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" in gratitude of Snippy's culinary excellence.)

Coast (So disappointed is Snippy in Scott's apparent disdain for her cookery skills that she dumps him like a hot potato and goes running back to Snappy's loving embrace. Together they take a romantic cruise along the scenic coast of New Zealand's Coromandel Peninsula, communing with their whānau whilst intoning that ancient and glorious chant "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu". Their loud and rambunctiously romantic reunion caused quite the scandal on the Coromandel!)

 

[Scott]

Coast (So disappointed is Snippy in Scott's apparent disdain for her cookery skills that she dumps him like a hot potato and goes running back to Snappy's loving embrace. Together they take a romantic cruise along the scenic coast of New Zealand's Coromandel Peninsula, communing with their whānau whilst intoning that ancient and glorious chant "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu". Their loud and rambunctiously romantic reunion caused quite the scandal on the Coromandel!)

Casts (Scott drank gallons of Cornish Scrumpy Cider to purify innards and rebuild gut flora. Snappy and Snippy's rambunctious tryst during cruise angered their whānau with raucous, putrid cloacal eruptions. Guests began to chant that ancient and glorious chant "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" which casts dreadful spell conjuring Emperor Iridiot Floridian the Seventh.)

 

[LaManuka]

Casts (Scott drank gallons of Cornish Scrumpy Cider to purify innards and rebuild gut flora. Snappy and Snippy's rambunctious tryst during cruise angered their whānau with raucous, putrid cloacal eruptions. Guests began to chant that ancient and glorious chant "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" which casts dreadful spell conjuring Emperor Iridiot Floridian the Seventh.)

Cases (Cases of finest NZ pinot noir are swilled by Snippy and Snappy aboard their luxury yacht as it cruises along Aotearoa's scenic coastline. Meditating upon that ancient mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" and basking in the afterglow of their raucous, putrid cloacal eruptions, they are taken unawares by the stirrings of Emperor Iridiot Floridian the Seventh and the petrifying perils he poses!)

 

[Scott]

Cases (Cases of finest NZ pinot noir are swilled by Snippy and Snappy aboard their luxury yacht as it cruises along Aotearoa's scenic coastline. Meditating upon that ancient mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" and basking in the afterglow of their raucous, putrid cloacal eruptions, they are taken unawares by the stirrings of Emperor Iridiot Floridian the Seventh and the petrifying perils he poses!)

Bases (Luxury yacht crew was compelled to insert computer chip suppositories into the renegade crocs cloacas in effort to mollify their raucous, putrid eruptions. Ships captain inadvertently summoned shape shifting Lizard People from their subterranean bases by improperly chanting that ancient mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu."

 

[LaManuka]

Bases (Luxury yacht crew was compelled to insert computer chip suppositories into the renegade crocs cloacas in effort to mollify their raucous, putrid eruptions. Ships captain inadvertently summoned shape shifting Lizard People from their subterranean bases by improperly chanting that ancient mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu."

Abuse (Snappy hurls abuse at the ship's captain for improperly chanting that noble and ancient mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" which threatens to summon the putridly petrifying Emperor Iridiot Floridian the Seventh and once again engulf the galaxy with his malodorous mankiness!)

 

[Scott]

Abuse (Snappy hurls abuse at the ship's captain for improperly chanting that noble and ancient mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" which threatens to summon the putridly petrifying Emperor Iridiot Floridian the Seventh and once again engulf the galaxy with his malodorous mankiness!)

Beaks (Snappy hastily chants that noble and ancient mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" to summon predatory Pterodactyls from the fifth planet of Emperor Iridiot Floridian the Seventh's realm. Their beaks eviscerated the ship's captain and crew, provided sumptuous tartare banquet for the famished croc duo.)

 

[LaManuka]

Beaks (Snappy hastily chants that noble and ancient mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" to summon predatory Pterodactyls from the fifth planet of Emperor Iridiot Floridian the Seventh's realm. Their beaks eviscerated the ship's captain and crew, provided sumptuous tartare banquet for the famished croc duo.)

Basks (Snappy basks with his whānau from Whitianga in the warm afternoon sunset over the Coromandel, that noble and ancient mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" echoing in his fictitious crocodilian brain, as the eviscerated remains of his former ship's captain and crew slowly makes it's way through his lower intestine and out of his malodorous and misshapen cloaca.)

 

[Scott]

Basks (Snappy basks with his whānau from Whitianga in the warm afternoon sunset over the Coromandel, that noble and ancient mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" echoing in his fictitious crocodilian brain, as the eviscerated remains of his former ship's captain and crew slowly makes it's way through his lower intestine and out of his malodorous and misshapen cloaca.)

Masks (Several hours later Snappy's completed digestive process unleashes sheer dread among the whānau from Whitianga as they don protective masks, smear menthol oil below nostrils, and chant that noble and ancient mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" seeking olfactory relief. His malodorous and misshapen cloaca releases dozens of briquettes in rapid fire manner at velocities approaching speed of sound, predictably resulting in injury and occasional death within 5 mile/8km radius. Local customs permit the feeding of dead to Snappy and Snippy as appeasement.)

 

[LaManuka]

Masks (Several hours later Snappy's completed digestive process unleashes sheer dread among the whānau from Whitianga as they don protective masks, smear menthol oil below nostrils, and chant that noble and ancient mantra "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi pukakapiki maungahoronukupokai whenuakitanatahu" seeking olfactory relief. His malodorous and misshapen cloaca releases dozens of briquettes in rapid fire manner at velocities approaching speed of sound, predictably resulting in injury and occasional death within 5 mile/8km radius. Local customs permit the feeding of dead to Snappy and Snippy as appeasement.)

Skuas (Skuas, those most formidable of sea birds, are irresistibly drawn by the new food source provided by the release of Spam, offal and organ meat briquettes emanating from Snappy's misshapen cloaca as they fire from the bow of his luxury motor yacht like clay pigeons released from a skeet shooting machine!)