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[LaManuka]

Nears (Snappy's hideous pimply pustules begin to heal as he rapidly ages across 35 light years of the cosmos and nears the Cloaca system. A speedy Saturn V rocket overtook his miraculous green snot propulsion and delivered cargo of precious Yolngu patented quandong paste. Ingenuity of Cloacans transformed Earthling gifts into gold and platinum which was promptly returned with sinister ulterior motive. Newly rich whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā doubled intake of Spam, offal, and organ meats with resultant heft. Snippy began to translate a Cloacan manuscript beginning with "To Serve Whānau...)

Fears (Energised by their recent sojourn to the Cloacal Solar System, Snappy and Snippy return to Earth bearing ancient and arcane Cloacal manuscript "To Serve Whānau". Long-suffering and faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā fears that the title may have fatal implications and hopes that the meaning has somehow been lost in translation!)

 

[Scott]

Fears (Energised by their recent sojourn to the Cloacal Solar System, Snappy and Snippy return to Earth bearing ancient and arcane Cloacal manuscript "To Serve Whānau". Long-suffering and faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā fears that the title may have fatal implications and hopes that the meaning has somehow been lost in translation!)

Years (Snippy and Snappy toil long hours and translate ancient and arcane manuscript as cookbook! Long-suffering and faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā consult astronomers and are assured they have many years before famished Cloacans return to harvest their glutenous, fattened bounty. A large Black Hole has developed in the vicinity of Cloaca system and not forecast to move for decades.)

 

[LaManuka]

Years (Snippy and Snappy toil long hours and translate ancient and arcane manuscript as cookbook! Long-suffering and faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā consult astronomers and are assured they have many years before famished Cloacans return to harvest their glutenous, fattened bounty. A large Black Hole has developed in the vicinity of Cloaca system and not forecast to move for decades.)

Bears (As the Cloacan Black Hole slowly but inexorably makes it's way across the Cosmos towards the Earth, astronomers consulted by the faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā observe that it is winking and blinking, almost as though it was being controlled by a massive, intergalactic sphincter, equivalent to that of many bears as they defecate in local wooded areas. These recipes and many more can be found in the Cloacan cookbook manuscript titled "To Serve Whānau...", available in all good bookstores, and a lot of really rubbish ones.)

 

[Scott]

Bears (As the Cloacan Black Hole slowly but inexorably makes it's way across the Cosmos towards the Earth, astronomers consulted by the faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā observe that it is winking and blinking, almost as though it was being controlled by a massive, intergalactic sphincter, equivalent to that of many bears as they defecate in local wooded areas. These recipes and many more can be found in the Cloacan cookbook manuscript titled "To Serve Whānau...", available in all good bookstores, and a lot of really rubbish ones.)

Stare (Astronomers engaged by the faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā stare at the cosmos and reach stunning conclusion! Winking, blinking Cloacan Black Hole is located near tail and sphincter of Great Bear Constellation aka Ursa Major aka Big Dipper. Ejected energy analogous to a bear defecating on the universe. Snippy and Snappy complete translation and realize Cloacan cookbook titled "To Serve Whānau..." poached their favorite Spam, offal, and organ meat recipes.)

 

[LaManuka]

Stare (Astronomers engaged by the faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā stare at the cosmos and reach stunning conclusion! Winking, blinking Cloacan Black Hole is located near tail and sphincter of Great Bear Constellation aka Ursa Major aka Big Dipper. Ejected energy analogous to a bear defecating on the universe. Snippy and Snappy complete translation and realize Cloacan cookbook titled "To Serve Whānau..." poached their favorite Spam, offal, and organ meat recipes.)

Smart (Smart astronomers engaged by faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā who wish to keep their heads quickly reimagine Ursa Major constellation to something more in keeping with the form of their fearsome Crocodilian Overlord. Snippy conveniently locates translation in arcane and mysterious cookbook for recipe which includes ingredients such as Spam, offal and freshly harvested astronomer organ meats just to ensure they never forget who's boss!)

 

[Scott]

Smart (Smart astronomers engaged by faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā who wish to keep their heads quickly reimagine Ursa Major constellation to something more in keeping with the form of their fearsome Crocodilian Overlord. Snippy conveniently locates translation in arcane and mysterious cookbook for recipe which includes ingredients such as Spam, offal and freshly harvested astronomer organ meats just to ensure they never forget who's boss!)

Meats (The faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā ordered astronomers to rename Ursa Major as "Cloacas Maximus Crocodillus" to honor their fearsome Crocodilian Overlord. Snippy is persuaded to strike all reference to astronomer organ meats from arcane, mysterious cookbook and begin another with vegan ingrediants.)

 

[LaManuka]

Meats (The faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā ordered astronomers to rename Ursa Major as "Cloacas Maximus Crocodillus" to honor their fearsome Crocodilian Overlord. Snippy is persuaded to strike all reference to astronomer organ meats from arcane, mysterious cookbook and begin another with vegan ingredients.)

Amuse (Snappy is most pleased by tribute paid by astronomers in renaming Ursa Minor in his honour, however Snippy's attempts to veganise Spam, offal and freshly harvested organ meat recipes in the glorious Cookbook fail to amuse! Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā run and duck for cover as evil sharts of displeasure explode from his Cloacas Maximus Crocodillus!)

 

[Scott]

Amuse (Snappy is most pleased by tribute paid by astronomers in renaming Ursa Minor in his honour, however Snippy's attempts to veganise Spam, offal and freshly harvested organ meat recipes in the glorious Cookbook fail to amuse! Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā run and duck for cover as evil sharts of displeasure explode from his Cloacas Maximus Crocodillus!)

Fumes (Snippy bravely prepares feast from glorified Cookbook of Vegemite with hints of Spam, offal, and astronomer organ meats. Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā nervously bide their time anticipating vile retribution. A few hours later bursts of jasmine, lavender, and rose fumes burst from Cloacas Maximus Crocodillus to delight of audience.

 

[LaManuka]

Fumes (Snippy bravely prepares feast from glorified Cookbook of Vegemite with hints of Spam, offal, and astronomer organ meats. Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā nervously bide their time anticipating vile retribution. A few hours later bursts of jasmine, lavender, and rose fumes burst from Cloacas Maximus Crocodillus to delight of audience.

Fuels (Snappy not happy with addition of Vegemite to his staple diet of Spam, offal and freshly harvested astronomer organ meats. Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā source a limitless supply of jasmine, lavender, and rose floor cleaner for Snappy to gargle which fuels delightful fumes bursting forth from his Cloacas Maximus Crocodillus and has added benefit of ridding taste of Vegemite from his mouth!)

 

[Scott]

Fuels (Snappy not happy with addition of Vegemite to his staple diet of Spam, offal and freshly harvested astronomer organ meats. Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā source a limitless supply of jasmine, lavender, and rose floor cleaner for Snappy to gargle which fuels delightful fumes bursting forth from his Cloacas Maximus Crocodillus and has added benefit of ridding taste of Vegemite from his mouth!)

Flush (A final flush with jasmine, lavender, and rose floor cleaner results in transformation of Snappy into a devilish flame throwing croc with vengeful heart. Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā observe twenty foot/six meter bolts of lightning backfire from Cloacas Maximus Crocodillus, reminiscent of RAAF F-111 "fuel dumps." Air quality across the Coromandel reeks from burnt Vegemite.)

 

[LaManuka]

Flush (A final flush with jasmine, lavender, and rose floor cleaner results in transformation of Snappy into a devilish flame throwing croc with vengeful heart. Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā observe twenty foot/six meter bolts of lightning backfire from Cloacas Maximus Crocodillus, reminiscent of RAAF F-111 "fuel dumps." Air quality across the Coromandel reeks from burnt Vegemite.)

Hulas (Final flush with jasmine, lavender, and rose floor cleaner imbues Snappy with new found aromas of bouquets of fresh flowers and mirthful spirit to match! Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā look on in disbelief as he hulas his way across the Coromandel, ridding the land of the alien reek of burnt vile Vegemite!)

 

[Scott]

Hulas (Final flush with jasmine, lavender, and rose floor cleaner imbues Snappy with new found aromas of bouquets of fresh flowers and mirthful spirit to match! Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā look on in disbelief as he hulas his way across the Coromandel, ridding the land of the alien reek of burnt vile Vegemite!)

Clash (Snappy hulas his way across the Coromandel, causing epic clash of stench as fresh flower aroma tangles with alien reek of burnt vile Vegemite, yielding a witch's brew of skunk crossed with human B.O. Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā yearn for the days of Snappy's cloaca fecal blasts while rubbing Vicks menthol rub around nostrils for relief.)

 

[LaManuka]

Clash (Snappy hulas his way across the Coromandel, causing epic clash of stench as fresh flower aroma tangles with alien reek of burnt vile Vegemite, yielding a witch's brew of skunk crossed with human B.O. Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā yearn for the days of Snappy's cloaca fecal blasts while rubbing Vicks menthol rub around nostrils for relief.)

Class (Snappy hulas his way across the Coromandel, propelled by epic sharts reminiscent of the combined odours of burnt Vegemite and Vicks Vaporub, flinging fragrant SPAM bouquets towards rapturous and faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā because he is, after all, a class act )

 

[Scott]

Class (Snappy hulas his way across the Coromandel, propelled by epic sharts reminiscent of the combined odours of burnt Vegemite and Vicks Vaporub, flinging SPAM bouquets towards rapturous and faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā because he is, after all, a class act )

Scats (Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā queue up in advance of Snappy's hulas across the Coromandel, alerted by Vegemite + Vicks Vaporub stench and epic sharts. Classy Snappy runs out of Spam bouquets and improvises by flinging freshly pinched scats from his bloated cloaca.)

 

[LaManuka]

Scats (Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā queue up in advance of Snappy's hulas across the Coromandel, alerted by Vegemite + Vicks Vaporub stench and epic sharts. Classy Snappy runs out of Spam bouquets and improvises by flinging freshly pinched scats from his bloated cloaca.)

Scars (Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā secretly pleased that Snappy has begun flinging freshly pinched scats from his bloated cloaca rather than Spam bouquets, it'll give the scars left from being belted in the head with fast-moving Spam cans time to heal!)

 

[Scott]

Scars (Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā secretly pleased that Snappy has begun flinging freshly pinched scats from his bloated cloaca rather than Spam bouquets, it'll give the scars left from being belted in the head with fast-moving Spam cans time to heal!)

Carbs (Snappy's freshly pinched scats from his bloated cloaca proven lower carbs and higher protein than Spam bouquets. Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā began to lose weight once they kicked eating Spam with added benefit of avoiding head scars from Spam can pelting.

 

[LaManuka]

Carbs (Snappy's freshly pinched scats from his bloated cloaca proven lower carbs and higher protein than Spam bouquets. Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā began to lose weight once they kicked eating Spam with added benefit of avoiding head scars from Spam can pelting.)

Scabs (Scabs forming over injuries from Spam can pelting mean that fictitious but faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā are well on the road to recovery from latest beating at the claws of their similarly fanciful crocodilian overlord. History would indicate however that likelihood of ability to stick with low-Spam diet and sustained weight loss both highly improbable!)

 

[Scott]

Scabs (Scabs forming over injuries from Spam can pelting mean that fictitious but faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā are well on the road to recovery from latest beating at the claws of their similarly fanciful crocodilian overlord. History would indicate however that likelihood of ability to stick with low-Spam diet and sustained weight loss both highly improbable!)

Slabs (Crocodilian chef extraordinaire Snippy mixes raw scabs freshly plucked by Wekas with Spam, offal, and organ meats to create slabs of tasty high calorie meals for the masses. Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā balloon their girth so rapidly they resort to fashioning temporary clothing from stockpiled mylar.)

 

[LaManuka]

Slabs (Crocodilian chef extraordinaire Snippy mixes raw scabs freshly plucked by Wekas with Spam, offal, and organ meats to create slabs of tasty high calorie meals for the masses. Faithful whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā balloon their girth so rapidly they resort to fashioning temporary clothing from stockpiled mylar.)

(oh dear, this is very silly - and very gory!! :jumping40

Balls (Ok, deep breath, here we go. Freshly plucked raw scabs prove to be the secret ingredient that makes Snippy's gourmet briquettes of Spam, offal and organ meats utterly irresistible, resulting in ballooning girths of whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā. Not enough meterage of mylar available in stockpile to fashion clothing large enough to cover all those acres of flesh so Snappy devises exercise programme for them to follow. Fashions silvery beach balls out of mylar and pumps them up with noxious gases sourced from his own malodorous and much abused cloaca. Whānau takes them to play on the beautiful beaches of the Coromandel for some much needed physical activity!)

 

[Scott]

Balls (Ok, deep breath, here we go. Freshly plucked raw scabs prove to be the secret ingredient that makes Snippy's gourmet briquettes of Spam, offal and organ meats utterly irresistible, resulting in ballooning girths of whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā. Not enough meterage of mylar available in stockpile to fashion clothing large enough to cover all those acres of flesh so Snappy devises exercise programme for them to follow. Fashions silvery beach balls out of mylar and pumps them up with noxious gases sourced from his own malodorous and much abused cloaca. Whānau takes them to play on the beautiful beaches of the Coromandel for some much needed physical activity!)

Flabs (Wekas picked up the pace delivering freshly plucked raw scabs as the highest protein, lowest carb constituent of Snippy's gourmet briquettes. Snappy's exercise program utilizing silvery mylar beach balls a spectacular success with steady reduction of flabs over a three month period. At end of each exercise session, Australian pelicans cruising the Coromandel pierce the balls, giving exhausted whānau from Whitianga, Whangapoua and Whangamatā refreshing recharge of malodorous cloaca gases.)